Recently, while browsing through Twitterland, I discovered a disturbing new blog, Ragetastic Voyages. Ragetastic aims to recapture the former “glory” of Junior Hockey Bible with less of the frills. For those of you who are either too young, too old, or too American to remember Junior Hockey Bible, here’s a brief refresher. JHB was a website dedicated to cataloging the “true” hockey and junior hockey player experience, or at least the version they’d like the public to believe. Hockey players love to assert the rock star imagine, and rely mainly on wild and crazy encounters with groupies as a measure for their success as a player.
Like JHB, Ragetastic Voyages posts anonymous accounts of sexcapades from varying skill levels of junior hockey leagues across North America. However, don’t be fooled into chalking everything you read on this site up to the true hockey player experience. As I said, a high frequency of taboo sexual practice is often what the hockey player requires in order to feel like a real player. The hockey players most likely to participate in these doings, or, in the very least, more likely to brag about them, are the players that don’t have a promising future playing the game, and cling to the lifestyle like a security blanket to feel like they are kind of a big deal (and that people know them). These are the guys that know they aren’t going anywhere, and if they are, then they grow up to be that pathetic excuse for a pro who nobody knows outside of the home rink and who gets traded more often than a red Power Ranger pog back in 1994.
Most likely the average Ragetastic “beauty” is a poor quality Tier II hockey player with a future playing for a D3 school, or worse – a Canadian university! His puck bunny adventures are likely exaggerated, although, for the most part, true, as he feels that he needs to sexually exploit women to the limits to prove to himself that he’s important enough to get away with it. Of course, this brings us to the girls willing to get videotaped while being taken up the ass by various members of a no-name brand hockey team. Don’t let your imagination get carried away, hockey players do not bang the “hottest broads” as they’d like you to believe. The girls getting involved with Tier II hockey players are not puck bunnies, and if they are, then they are the really, really, really stupid ones that have no idea how to scout talent. Most likely, these are just regular girls with severe daddy issues, and can’t wait to be old enough to legally sign for their new implants in their adult attempts to trap a man (or hockey player re: red Power Ranger pog).
Of course, with these stories comes a certain level of myth. Ragetastic asks for new submissions to try and top the last entry, so I’m sure that these little boys insert a few additives before clicking the send button to email the revised details of their latest voyage. I’ve obviously heard hundreds of stories both in my Down the Rabbit Hole research and in my survival techniques out on the meat market. (Helpful Hint: if a hockey player is pursuing you savagely at a bar, ask him to tell you a puck bunny story. He will refuse at first, as he is trying to “woo” you, but insist upon him doing as you say. Once he finally tells you, retain that information and throw it back in his face at the most inconvenient of moments – like when he’s trying to jump on top of you! HILARIOUS!) The stories are usually outrageous. There was one that a guy told me about a girl wearing a Halloween mask while going down on five or six guys on his team in a row. One of the guys on the team was about to blow and “conveniently” decides to take off the girl’s mask at that exact moment, only to discover that he was just being serviced by his sister. Hmm, sounds a bit like an urban legend if you ask me. What do you think?
Unfortunately, the writer of Ragetastic Voyages is headed down the same path as Junior Hockey Bible, and may likely incur the same fate. Just over five years ago, Junior Hockey Bible was court ordered to shut down. JHB was in the habit of making a mockery out of women who were writing in and voicing their disgust toward JHB’s catalogue of various ways to demean and deflower women. JHB would publish the hate mail, and then translate what the girl actually intended to say. This usually involved wishing she were hot enough to actually screw around with these guys or something far more insulting. Finally, they pissed off the wrong girl. A few months later Junior Hockey Bible was back online under the guise of Gongshow Hockey. The site has cleaned up its act pretty much entirely, and the Gongshow brand is becoming more and more popular. However, whenever I see major sporting goods stores carrying the line it makes my skin crawl to remember its sordid and misogynistic origins. Anyway, like the ghosts of JHB, Ragetastic Voyages has also decided to publish their hate mail, so I guess it’s only a matter of time before it gets out of hand.
If you like train wrecks, then I’m sure you’ll love Ragetastic Voyages. I, on the other hand, prefer not to read that stuff, as I prefer not to read WAGs rumour sites of any kind. To me those sites are like nightmares. So, I refer you now to Ragetastic Voyages on the condition that you take what you read with a grain of salt, and see it for what it really is – young men trying desperately to prove to you that they can shoot a puck.
