Somewhere on the Eastern shore of Japan You know it must be the offseason in Canada when sports media turns its attention away from the American NHL clubs that are still in Stanley Cup contention, and start focusing on the non-news surrounding the game. This week their focus seems to be, once again, on the over-privileged and tanorexic looking Paulina Gretzky.
If her father wasn’t the greatest hockey player to ever live, you’d probably take very little notice of Paulina. She’s a carbon copy of all the other fake tanned, eating disordered, big sunglasses wearing, bratty, stick insects that are running around L.A. these days. You know, the people that make a living off of being grossly underweight? Oh wait, what am I talking about? Of course you don’t know! You’ve been brainwashed into believing anorexics are actually what passes as “healthy” and signifies a “girl that takes care of herself,” and who wouldn’t want that, right? *Vomits (in a non-bulimic way)*
Don’t get me started on that… I have issues with it. A girl I knew in high school lost nearly 100 lbs from literally NOT EATING A THING. All her hair fell out, and she even attempted suicide. Eventually, over years, she became obsessed with her body, and took it perhaps too far, and started down the “body building” path (food slowly and moderately being reintroduced into her diet). Years later I saw her in an ad for diet pills. There was the picture of her at 215 lbs (at age 14, though the ad claimed it was from a year ago) and the picture of her at 125 lbs, and a whole little heartfelt story about how the pills changed her life, as she was the fat kid in our school that had skinny popular girls (bulimic as they later confessed) running around in our Catholic school girl uniforms, and this made her soooo sad. Then after just 6 months of taking these magical pills, she was down to 125 lbs without lifting a finger! LIES! Umm, NO, idiot, you starved yourself, and nearly died. I have never felt such moral outrage in my entire life. She became some self-obsessed bimbo that wanted to cash in on the misery of women who are just like she was at her heaviest, by giving them false hope that they, too, can lose 90 lbs if they just keep popping these magical and super expensive pills. I don’t TOTALLY blame her, of course. I blame society, and all the men of questionable heterosexuality that give life to today’s standard of fat free and curve-less, mannish beauty.
But back to Paulina. Miss Gretzky has found herself in hot water with Daddy Gretzky again over posting “racy” photos of herself on the internet (Instagram) even after Papa specifically told her not to, and banned her from using Twitter. I don’t know about you, but if I was to care enough to analyze this for more than half a second, I might think there were some issues at home. So, let’s do that shall we?
I recently watched the film We Need to Talk About Kevin, and I am now reading the book. The story is a mother’s account of how she is dealing with the consequences after her son facilitated a Columbine-esque high school mass murder. The mother essentially believed that her son, Kevin, was evil from birth, and questions if her inability to love him was the underlying reason he grew to be a killer. So let’s look at Paulina in a similar light. Daddy asked you once to tone down your ridiculousness, and keep the Gretzky brand as pristine as the old time NHL image USED to be in the days before NHL clubs overpaid hockey players who are more interested in shopping, meeting celebrities, and screwing the aforementioned tanorexic models, than actually improving their on ice presence. So, if Daddy said no, you have to wonder why Paulina suddenly slapped him in the face with more outrageous public images of her bikini clad stick bug frame. What’s that? Daddy said, “No” to you? Daddy wouldn’t buy you a new Lamborghini because you’ve barely touched the Lamborghini he bought you last year? “But DADDDDDY I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaant it!” Poor thing. It must be hard being Paulina. She sure got him back though, didn’t she? Expect a Paulina Gretzky sex tape sometime in the immediate future, likely after Wayne refuses to buy her the island rumoured to be overrun with unicorns.
Of course, I can’t close this post without commenting on Wayne’s stand on all of this. Should he be such a hard ass about his daughter posting bikini shots online? Maybe not. But clearly it’s unsettling to him and his precious reputation. What did he think was going to happen? His WIFE was in Playboy for God’s sake! Did he really think her offspring was going to be a nun? Let that be a lesson to all you hockey players out there. Marry the skanky “model” with the nude pics and the sex tape, but be prepared for how your potential daughters turn out, because let’s face it, most of you are FAR from saintly.