Top 10 Tuesday: Nice things I could have if I wasn’t addicted to hockey!

I think a lot of hockey fans like to throw the term “hockey addict” around without really being at the addict level. An addiction is a problem. Like drugs or alcohol, it is difficult to control without help or intervention. For me, hockey is pretty much everything. I live for my next game. The waiting period between road trips often feels like limbo. I’m home, but I’m not really here. During my entire university career, hockey came before school, and pretty much everything else. Hockey is my loving husband, but he’s also the insensitive prick that teases me then keeps me waiting by the phone hoping that he’ll finally call me. I really believe that someday I will need to appear on Intervention in order to get over my cravings for puck. Perhaps some of you thought that I was joking when I called myself Psycho Lady. Anyway, with this entry I decided to put a monetary value on my hockey addiction. Ready? Brace yourself, here it comes! In the 2008-09 hockey season, I spent an estimated THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on my hockey misadventures! OK, now that you’re completely disgusted, here’s my Top 10 Tuesday list for things I could buy if I wasn’t addicted to this wonderful game.

10. 2010 Toyota Prius

I’m sure the very first thing that came to your mind when I dropped the $30K bomb was that I could have bought a car with that. Trust me, I’ve been VERY aware of that fact for a very, very, very long time – particularly while I was car shopping this off season, and realized that I could have had a much nicer car if I didn’t have this life controlling addiction. Anyway, in the $30K price range, we have not just any car, but a virtuous third generation, industry leading hybrid. Of course, the catch 22 is that there is no point in having a fuel efficient hybrid, if you aren’t packing on the miles from taking her on far too many hockey road trips. Sorry, environment, this is one sacrifice I’m just not ready to make.

9. Law School Tuition (4 Semesters)

On another note, I could have used this money to expand my mind and my career. $30K would have covered my tuition for two years at Osgoode Hall Law School (one of the top, if not the top law school in Canada – alright, York U, we’ll give you this one!) Of course, hockey (being an addiction and all) pretty much screwed up any chance I had of furthering my education. Perhaps, I should have gone to class once in a while instead of spending my SIX (ahem) university years at hockey rinks across the continent (oops, and let’s not forget Switzerland – I was right in the middle of exams for that genius move*tee hee*).

8. Scandalous Vacation Avec Pool Boys

Check out this place! $30K would get me two weeks accommodation in the P-I-M-P penthouse at Las Ventanas al Paraiso in Los Cabos, Mexico for me and the two of the most scantily clad pool boys and/or struggling actors/waiters. I’d go alone, but you know…I need someone to keep me company while I’m having my Stars and Sea massage.

7. Oodles of Plastic Surgery

My major discovery making this Top 10 list was learning that plastic surgery is actually pretty affordable. No wonder so many trash bag 20 year old, wannabe bikini models are able to get work done. Anyway, if I had saved my money from the 08-09 season alone, I could have undergone every necessary procedure needed to get boys to like me, including the fake boobs, lips, lipo, and botox. Plus, I’d still have enough money left over to keep a steady supply of peroxide on my roots for four years. See, I should have just done this, then bagged myself one of those idiot implant-totting hockey players so that I’d have unlimited hockey tickets for the rest of his career. BAH! Sometimes I just don’t think things through…

6. Licence to Stalk the Jonas Brothers

It’s hard for me to think of a life that didn’t involve me traveling from town to town stalking my favourite hockey team. So, let’s say I traded in my hockey tickets for something similar…like tickets for the Jonas Brothers’ concerts (cue 12 year old giney tickling scream). OK, this wouldn’t be my “band” of choice to stalk, but I’ve heard a lot of crazy stories about mothers taking their tween daughters all over the States trying to meet the Jonas Brothers. Anyway, last season’s hockey expenses would exchange for about 90 tickets to see the Jonas Brothers, or any major artist, perform live. P.S. If you didn’t get the “giney tickling” reference, then I am deeply saddened and disappointed in you.

5. Lap Dances and Chicken Wings

Mmm… I *heart* chicken wings…and mens (no, really, I said “mens” there.) $30K would buy me an endless supply of the spiciest chicken wings, and 500 lap dances from the finest man-strippers working the VIP floor at The Golden Banana. Yeehawwww!

4. Keeping the Ocean Safe

With the money I spent on hockey last season, I’d be able to save the day in all three Jaws movies by paying that Quint guy off to kill the great white. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for hire after the first one, but whatever. $30K will get me “the head, the tail, the whole damn thing” three times over.

3. Living the Good Life in the Trailer Park
If TV has taught me anything, it’s that the trailer park is a pretty awesome and happening place. To put things in perspective, not only could I have afforded to buy a car last season, but I could have also bought a home. According to my half-assed research, my hockey money could have bought me the trailer as well as lot fees for three years! Maaf*ck, you know what I’m saaaaaaaaaayin?

2. 2010 Harley Davidson CVO Fat Bob (with the hellfire flames…yessss!)

Ohhh, baby! I think this one needs no explanation! Vrooooooooom! Now I’m sad, damn those pesky Coyotes!

1. Charitable Goodness

On a more serious note, I could have made significant global strides if I gave my dirty hockey drug money to a prominent charity. I used to work for UNICEF Canada, so I’ll plug them a little here. A $30K donation to one of UNICEF’s global relief programs can provide emergency health kits with medical supplies and drugs to cover the basic health needs of 750 people for a year, or 3000 people for three months! Think of the children! So…do I have any volunteers to be my sponsor at Hockey Addicts Anonymous, yet?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 at 8:43 PM and is filed under female hockey fans, hockey addicts, hockey fans, Top 10 Tuesday. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.