Things you should know about the Stanley Cup, but don’t because you’re not me.

It’s no secret that I get around hockey leagues faster than Chlamydia in a sorority house (looking at you, AOPi), so it should be shocking to no one that I’d have a lot of insider info of the semi-inappropriate nature. But, hey, what good are inappropriate stories, if you can’t share them with the Internet? So, to honour the first day of the second round of the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs, I will share some true stories that I have been privy to regarding the Holy Grail of Hockey. Strap on your skates, Gordie. You’re about to discover a few new meanings to the term, “Cup Crazy.” Enjoy! Oh, and for the record, I’m proud to say that I survived university without contracting an STD… or is it STI now?!

World’s worst travel buddy.

I know how easily offended some of you people can be, so I’ll ease you into these stories with some non-inappropriate ones. As you know, there are multiple Stanley Cups. The real one, and the fakes that you’ve probably seen at the Hockey Hall of Fame in the heart of downtown Toronto. The real Stanley is off doing promotional and charity events all over the world during the regular season, and it’s truly a miracle that he arrives on time at all. Cup escorts will report that Stanley ends up in the mysterious dimension of lost luggage several times a year. Cup escorts will also report shitting their pants the first time this happens on their watch. Rookie move, obviously.

You won the Cup, buddy, that doesn’t make you the Lord of the skies.

Yes, every player gets his Day with Stanley in the offseason following their season as the best in show. However, there are rules governing what a player can and cannot do on his special day. For instance casinos and strip clubs are off limits, but pretty much everything else gets a green light… within reason. A few seasons ago, one player, lacking all common sense, announced that he would take the Cup skydiving. The Hockey Hall of Fame quickly put the kibosh on that one. This would go down in history as one of the few times the HHOF would cock their heads, and think, “I know you took a couple pucks to the head, but really?!”

Umm… I can see your boobs…

However, what one dumb hockey player can’t achieve, a 23 man roster, surely can. Hmm can I say what team this is, or not? Let’s just say a certain Western Conference team decided to find a way to bend the no strip club rule when they celebrated their Cup win as a collective bunch. If you can’t take the Cup to the strippers, you can take the strippers to the Cup. They referred to this act as, “Nipples on the Cup.” Bravo. Way to use your thinking caps, boys! Proud of you.

Mini Stanley – Not just a name for your penis anymore!

A random fact most people don’t know about winning a Stanley Cup. The players, or hockey gods as you might call them, don’t just get really elaborate and scary rings, they also get siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick mini replicas of the Cup. Mini Stanley is about 18 inches tall (but don’t take my word for it, I’m a girl after all, and have had several men try to convince me that 3 inches was actually 8), and is engraved with team name, 23 man roster, and the year they won. It’s a nice, compact version of the Stanley Cup that is a lot easier to lift and fondle than the real one, especially when you’re wearing nothing but stripper heels. Not that I ever did that…

In the presence of the Grail, boys become men, and women become… really, really cheap dates.

What is it about the Stanley Cup that inspires not only greatness but madness from players and fans alike? Beats me! All I know is that the Cup can make you do a lot of crazy things… things you told yourself you wouldn’t do, or at least, not until he put a ring on it… I guess a Stanley Cup ring is a worthy substitute for an engagement ring, especially when you have a commitment phobia. Seriously, where did those moves come from? Stanley Cup inspiration is otherwise known as the Stanley Cup Treatment. You’re just so excited to be fondling Mini Stanley, that you don’t care that he thinks Rihanna is appropriate go-to music… among other things. The SCT is reserved exclusively for Stanley Cup winners…or if a player has gone deep enough… into the playoffs that is, and has the beard of a Stanley Cup Champ… or so I’ve been told… GuesS yoU’re out of luck, eh? To be fair, taking down a Stanley Cup Champ is the closest thing any of us girls are gonna get to actually winning one. Sad, but true.

Top Photo: Good thing Crosby has a Cup because you know he ain’t gettin’ the SCT for that sad attempt at a playoff beard!

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2 Responses to Things you should know about the Stanley Cup, but don’t because you’re not me.

  1. darkknight9 says:

    Good thing Vinnie Paul owned those gentlemens clubs that the strippers worked at so that he and the rest of the “Cowboys from Hell” could party. Bad call on dropping it into the swimming pool from the upper level though. :D

  2. MK says:

    “Taking down a Stanley Cup Champ is the closest thing any of us girls are gonna get to actually winning one. Sad, but true.”

    Hate to say it, but you’re right. Girls just can’t win the Stanley Cup.

    I got to spend a few hours with the real Stanley Cup a few years ago, but I had to share the moment with Roberto Luongo. He wasn’t allowed to touch it (even though we got into this argument that he could…I told him he had to earn the right).

    The next year, the Cup keeper let me put my hands on the Cup. I was sooo happy. Nothing says hockey loving like being in the presence of the Stanley Cup. Buddy Oakes took photos of me touching the Cup. When I saw the pics, I realized that green dress looked horrible on…that’s why I later hired a stylist. ;)

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