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The Puck Bunny Bullshit Detector

Toronto, ON The older I get the more I realize that puck bunny cliches and general puck bunnyism is not merely a stage of immaturity in a young hockey fan’s life. The older I get the older the puck bunnies are that I encounter, but shockingly their attitudes and experiences haven’t changed at all from that of their 16 year old selves. As a result of this lack of evolution, I find myself continuously disheartened by the fact that my ongoing attempts to enlighten others on this subject are clearly not registering. Now, I haven’t been striving to prevent puck bunnies from making the usual mistakes all rookie puck bunnies make, but rather I was hoping to change their attitudes about them, so that said mistakes don’t end with them flying off the rails emotionally. However, along the road of my hockey misadventures, I continue to encounter puck bunnies who try to feed me (and everyone else) the usual puck bunny bullshit and lies that puck bunnies have been spewing since they first hopped into existence. Sadly, this perpetual need to tell stories leads me to believe that absolutely nothing has changed, and it probably never will. That being said, it is probably beneficial to everyone in the hockey community to review some of the typical puck bunny bullshit, so that you won’t be duped the next time you encounter a puckie with a nose as long as Pinocchio.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks...

The first thing you need to remember is that most puck bunny bullshit is aimed at deflecting the puck bunny label. Sometimes this is innocent enough, and comes in the form of the uber paranoid hockey fan, who avoids doing pretty much everything out of fear of being misrepresented. They won’t sit in the lower bowl, wear a pink jersey, attend hockey games alone, visit an autograph table without an overly rehearsed speech about why they want the autograph in the first place, and the list goes on. Furthermore, they are also the first to point the furry finger of puck bunny judgement at any woman doing any of the above mentioned items. Of course, they “just love the game,” and “would never date/do a player,” but what you really have to ask yourself when faced with this level of bullshit is, “If she really isn’t a puck bunny, why does everything she do revolve around being (or not being) one?” Besides, no rational woman wouldn’t take a chance on a great guy (assuming there are genuinely decent hockey players out there) out of fear of being mislabeled a puck bunny by total strangers.

The one that got away…

Chances are, if you’ve been faced with puck bunny bullshit, it was likely very grandiose. Chances are you’ve encountered a woman who claims to be the long lost love of some NHL superstar or several. Of course, they never actually went on a date because she is too good for him, which is (again) quite interesting considering he is the only person she ever talks about. This puck bunny will tell you elaborate stories straight from the pages of any romance novel clearly written by someone who knows nothing about professional sports. She often draws from the repertoire of stereotypical puck bunny fantasies. These fantasies include: multiple superstar teammates competing for her attention, which naturally results in heated conflict and one or more of them being traded, players getting themselves purposely thrown out of a game in order to ask her out on a date, and other general ridiculousness. I don’t think I need to tell you that NHL players aren’t being paid millions of dollars to fuck around on the ice and jeopardize their team’s success in order to ask some anonymous girl in the stands out on a date. I don’t think I need to tell you that no matter how pretty she is, these guys get plenty of girls, so another pretty face probably isn’t evoking much more than a, “Meh, I could eat” response. Besides, if they were really motivated to meet her, they MIGHT send someone NOT on the ice to approach her on their behalf, but even that would generally be perceived as bad behaviour *AHEM.* I’m not entirely sure what the motivation is for these puck bunnies. Surely, if you were to feel self-elevated as a result of the attention/love of professional athletes, then you might like to give one of them a shot, or in the very least a pity coffee date! That would, of course, be the obvious decision made by anyone who was even remotely flattered by the attention. That is, if the option/attention was actually on the table, which it probably isn’t.

The pathological liar…

It is actually crazy how many puck bunnies I’ve met who take the bullshit to a pathological level. It is one thing to make up a story about hockey players, and quite another to ONLY make up stories about hockey players. In my years of hockey travels I have encountered several women who would related anything and everything to a time when a hockey player had hit on them in some way. There was one girl that will always stand out in my mind. She used to always talk about how guys on the local team would hit on her, one guy even asked her father permission to ask her out on a date, but he “like totally got nervous and never went through with it” *rolls eyes.* I remember after I started seeing someone on that team, I had seen her at one of the games as I usually did. I remember telling her I thought she was wearing a nice shirt, and she proceeded to tell me about how *my guy* always comments on the shirt whenever she wears it. Unfortunately, *my guy* had never met her. A couple years ago there was a weirdo on Twitter who used to tweet about how she was dating pretty much everyone in Toronto pro sports. She seemed to take particular interest in the guy I was… uhhh… “involved” with at the time. She even claimed to be out on a date with him at the same time that I was… uhhh… “visiting” him. We laughed. I don’t think I need to tell you that he also didn’t know who she was. Anyway, I could go on with other examples, but I think I made my point. Now, although these lies seem innocent enough, and aren’t as delusional as the “experiences” of those that got away, the fact that these women feel the need to incorporate made up events in their day-to-day lives is more than a little unsettling.

Anyway, typically, one can use common sense when detecting puck bunny bullshit. However, there are also people that just believe that everything any girl says is bullshit on account of the fact that they stupidly believe that hockey players never take down anything that isn’t consider a “10” by Plastic Today magazine. Whether your bullshitty puck bunny is all about “wheeling” or “just waiting till he hangs ‘em up,” there is definitely one thing that is true in their house of lies. They could all use a good reality check and a crash course in being original.

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One Response to The Puck Bunny Bullshit Detector

  1. Mare says:

    I sure do love being the puckbunnie that I am….and I have crossed with you and many other bunnies a couple of times and friendships have grown and memories are great!! _ Hope to see you at an arena or partae sometime this year, games planned this year are in Philly, Toronto, Buffalo,NY, Dallas, and Florida soooooooo gimmie a text 506-470-2246 and let me know girl! – love the reads btw!!

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