Yes, you read the title correctly, I’ve decided to write a half assed musical version of the 2012 NHL Lockout. The reasons for this are not simply that I am unemployed with too much time on my hands, but also that I have an active imagination, and pretty much can’t listen to any music without immediately setting a story to it. Ask my friends about getting trapped in the car with me, if you want to learn more about that. Anyway, tonight The Tragically Hip’s Boots or Hearts came on my iPod, and I couldn’t stop picturing Bettman and Fehr singing a duet to it. So, I’ve decided to put together a shitty, yet all-Hip, NHL musical for you to enjoy as CBA negotiations drag on. In Act I, Scene I we revisit all the events that have happened since the Lockout of 2004 ended. Enjoy! P.S. Yes, I know this isn’t “proper format.” P.P.S. You will have to use your imagination.
Craig Patrick approaches the podium at the centre of the stage, and taps the microphone twice to test it before speaking.
Patrick: On behalf of Mario Lemieux and the entire ownership group, Pittsburgh Penguins select, from Rimouski in the Quebec Major Junior League, Sidney Crosby…
Music begins, New Orleans is Sinking. A news reporter and Kanye West enter at opposing ends of the stage. They sashay across the stage and exit at opposite ends after delivering their respective lines.
News Reporter 1: Katrina has been upgraded to a category 5 storm. New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin, has issued a mandatory evacuation…
Kanye West: George Bush doesn’t care about black people…
Mike Myers chases after him with a horrified look on his face.
A giant NHL logo descends from the rafters. Gary Bettman hops off.
Bettman (singing): All right…
Bettman skips off into the background.
Gord Miller and Pierre McGuire enter at opposing ends of the stage and meet in front of the giant logo.
Gord: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!?!? THE ANAHEIM DUCKS ARE THE STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS!!!!!!!
Pierre: Yes, I can…
Gord gives Pierre his usual look of contempt.
Gord (under his breath): Soccer Mom…
The two exit Stage Left.
Bettman begins pirouetting around the giant NHL logo and sporadically attempts to fondle the air above his head.
Bettman (singing): Bourbon blues on the street, loose and complete. Under skies all smoky blue green. I can’t forsake a dixie dead shake. So we danced the sidewalk clean.
Dollar bills begin to rain down onto the stage. Bettman tries to catch as many as he can.
Bettman (singing): My memory is muddy. What’s this river that I’m in? New Orleans is sinking, man, and I don’t want to swim.
Barack Obama and Sean Avery sashay across the stage from opposing ends.
Obama: Yes… We… Can…
Avery: I just wanted to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds…
Obama and Avery exit. The NHL owners appear from behind the logo. Jeffrey Vinik and Mario Lemieux flank themselves around Bettman.
Vinik (singing): Colonel Tom, what’s wrong? What’s going on? You can’t tie yourself up for a deal.
Lemieux (singing): He said, Hey, north, you’re south! Shut your big mouth. You gotta do what you feel is real.
Bettman breaks free from their cunning grasps.
Bettman (singing): Ain’t got no picture postcards. Ain’t got no souvenirs. My baby she don’t know me when I’m thinking ‘bout those years.
Bettman gazes longingly across the stage. His prized cash cow, Sidney Crosby, has materialized there. Crosby looks to the rafters in his usual bewilderment.
Jeremy Roenick shimmies across the stage with 3 news reporters, entering and exiting at opposing ends.
News Reporter 2: Canadian Tycoon, Jim Balsillie, has released blueprints for a remodeled Copps Coliseum, the would-be home of the future Hamilton Coyotes…
News Reporter 3: Riots have broken out in Vancouver after the Canucks lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final to the Boston Bruins…
News Reporter 4: The National Hockey League announced today that the Jets will be returning to Winnipeg this fall…
Roenick: I’m still confused how our country will get better with another four years of incompetence…
Bill Daly enters from Stage Right and kneels at Bettman’s feet.
Daly (singing): Pale as a light bulb hanging on a wire. Sucking up to someone just to stoke the fire. Picking out the highlights of the scenery. Saw a little cloud that looked a little like me.
Bettman kicks Daly away and begins dancing once more.
Bettman (singing): I had my hands in the river. My feet back up on the banks. Looked up to the lord above and said, Hey, man, thanks! Sometimes I feel so good I got to scream. She said…
Bettman and Crosby (singing together): Gary, baby, I know exactly what you mean.
Bettman (singing): She said. She said. I swear to god she said!
Bettman begins twirling.
Bettman (singing): OOOOWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAANOOOOOW
The entire cast rushes the stage (players, fans, arena employees, etc).
All (singing): My memory is muddy. What’s this river that I’m in? New Orleans is sinking, man, and I don’t want to swim.
Bettman begins running frantically to various people on the stage.
Bettman (singing): Swim!
News Reporter 1: Isaac is set to make landfall in New Orleans on the 7th anniversary of Katrina…
News Reporter 2: The current CBA will expire on September 15, 2012. Both sides are still far apart..
Bettman keeps running until everyone has left the stage. He is alone and breathless. He pants heavily as the curtain closes.