Toronto, ON The long awaited change has finally happened, and this Psycho Lady has once again pledged her allegiance to the Blue and White. After I moved back from Korea, I announced that I would give Phoenix one final game to see if I was still interested in shadowing them for my Psycho adventures around the National Hockey League. For me, personally, it’s nice to follow a single team to all the ports around the League. It’s much better to feel like you belong to a specific community of hockey fans, than to just see random games between teams you don’t care that much about. However, my interest in Phoenix was beginning to flounder, and I’m sure a lot of you can guess why.
My make-it-or-break-it Coyotes game happened on January 2, 2011 at the Xcel Energy Center in Minnesota. Nothing bad happened, in fact, the opposite of bad is probably a better description. However, these positive occurrences actually enraged me, and I decided I wasn’t willing to go back to the way things were prior to last season. I’m not in the habit of living in the past. Anyway, I decided it was time for a new team, and all I could think of was the Leafs. Maybe it’s the fact that I came home from Korea, and I kind of want to cling to things close to Toronto while I recover. For the past month I was busy weighing the pros and cons of joining up with the Leafs again. One downside is that switching teams this late in the season disrupts my goal of heading to the Western Canadian rinks this year. The Leafs don’t play there, but the Coyotes do! So, maybe I’ll see the Coyotes play again this season, but if I do, please note that they are no longer MY team.
This week I was finally ready to make the change. I was planning to go to the Atlanta game earlier in the week, but I had a hot date, so, you know. Then when my trip to New Jersey and Philadelphia was canceled for this weekend, the Devils game in Toronto seemed like a perfect place to start. However, being the Psycho Lady that I am, I feel like this change will not be official until I see at least one Leafs game on the road before the season ends! So stay tuned for that! Now, let’s get to what actually happened in my first official game as a Leafs fan since 2006!
First of all, I have to tell you that I don’t think I have ever been so pumped for a hockey game in such a long time. I was legitimately bouncing up and down in the car as I drove to the Air Canada Centre that day. I started the night off in the Platinum Club, ogling the talent and drinking the most potent margaritas I have ever had. Not only was I smashed for the warm up, but I was still tipsy well into the second period. I know this because closer to the end of the game, I stopped being strangely attracted to Pierre McGuire! I really have NO IDEA what happened in the first period – AT ALL. I kept trying to order food to absorb some of the tequila, but the ACC must have laid off some of their Platinum in seat servers because I barely ever saw mine! “WORKER!!!!!!”
I also had the creepiest guy ever sitting next to me. He was taking his kid to the game, and the poor little guy was clearly just so happy that Douchey Dad had made some time for him on his birthday. I should also note that DD kept referring to his kid as, “The Boy,” which I found a bit too George Foremany for my taste. Anyway, the whole Operation: Hit-On-Girl-Sitting-Next-To-Me began with him telling me that he gets to take The Boy into the Leafs dressing room after the game, which then turned into him trying to ditch the kid so he can smoke while I take him into the dressing room, and would, therefore, have to hang out with him afterwards. Now, hey, I’m all for some naked hockey players, and I’m definitely not above blatantly sizing up their assets while they look on in awkward discomfort, but this kid was clearly heartbroken that his Douchey Dad kept trying to convince him to let me go in with him instead.
Finally, DD topped the creeper scales when he suggested that he tell the ACC staff that I’m his daughter. Yeah… if I’m young enough to be your daughter, then how about you stop trying to touch me inappropriately! Honestly… I don’t think you know how much I hate public displays even when I actually like the guy, so you can imagine how uncomfortable I was in this situation. Where was the Leafs security when I needed them? This would have never happened in Philadelphia! Once two guys were getting all paparazzi on my ass while I was at… a Devils game, actually…and they were immediately ejected! Toronto FAIL! Anyway, this guy kept putting his arm around me and trying to hug me while I’M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME!!! You know how I feel about people disturbing my hockey experience! The pièce de résistance was when he finally left with his kid, and the mother fucker KISSED ME! Puuuukkkkeeeeee! This was definitely one of my worst hockey experiences ever! Here’s a sample of some of that crap I had to listen to for three periods of regulation AND four minutes and thirty-seven seconds of overtime!
“You’re HOT…you’re a HOT girl!”
“You should have boyfriend…you’re so HOT!”
“I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend…”
“You have to give me your phone number.”
“Why don’t you have a boyfriend??”
And so on. Now if I was of the pig-variety then I probably would have gone for the DD creeper with season seats in the Plats at the ACC, who likes to give $10 tips for a $2 purchase, but I’m not. So, Creep Show got shut out. A word of advice: if you actually plan to get anywhere with me, then DON’T annoy me during a hockey game. That goes for the players, too!
Despite my unfortunate seating location, I really enjoyed the experience, and I’m glad to be back. I need to brush the dust of my old Leafs jerseys now! And I know some of you are probably wondering how this affects the whole Arizona thing, well it doesn’t really. I’ve decided to take the lost child approach with this prophecy. I think it’s better that I just stand still and wait for Arizona to come to me! Anyway, enough about that! Why should Leafs fans care that I’ve joined their ranks, you ask? Well, because if history repeats itself, then every time that I have switched teams and shadowed a new club in my adventures, then that team completely turns things around the following season. So, if you want my prediction for the Leafs, then expect them to sign some young veteran guys over the summer, and expect to pay extra for playoff tickets next spring! You’re welcome.
Oh, and one more thing. My sympathies to the awesome Ducks fans back in Anaheim. We’ll take good care of your Big Sexy!
P.S. I’m sure some of the pigs are going to start inventing some new rumours now that I’m back with the Leafs. If you do, might I suggest Mike Komisarek? I think I’d probably go there WINK!