If I was to write up a screenplay for a “sophisticated” porno, it would definitely be entitled Dorian Gray’s Balls. Think about it, a guy whose balls have a life of their own. They start to sag to his knees, yet he still appears to be the tender age of 21. I might be on to the next Caligula here!
You’re probably wondering why I’ve decided to talk about balls today. No, it’s not to pitch adult films, although, feel free to make me an offer of interest. I’ll tell you right now, though, that no, none of the three psychos (not even Bambi) are willing to appear in such a feature other than for comic relief, “Dorian, my word! What’s all this racket up in the attic!” To which he would reply, “Basil is dead, but it wasn’t me, it was my murderous balls, MY MURDEROUS BALLS!” I should also inform you that Psycho Lady porns and sex tapes do not exist on the Internet! For some reason, we get a lot of traffic from people searching for these things online!
Anyway, the reason I’ve decided to write about balls was to clarify a few things. My number one blog stalker, scratch that, number two blog stalker (ahem), who would otherwise be known as my aunt, has urged me to remove a previous post that I wrote entitled, Dear Old Man Balls. She fears that my future husbands and boyfriends will be terrified of me on account of the fact that I would talk about their balls on the Internet. Now, now, human males, you can’t be worried about what I or any other girl will think about your ballage because, frankly, you should just assume it’s probably our least favourite part of your body. OMG the cat is out of the bag! Haha…bag…
Yeah…balls. There they are. Generally, they are not all that pretty (with the odd exception). Sometimes, like in the case of Mr. OMB and my X-rated vision of Dorian Gray, they have a mind of their own. Sometimes they are happy and feel like dancing. Sometimes one is displeased and decides to take a walk while the other one still wants to stick around and enjoy your company. And sometimes you lie awake at night wondering if the balls are going to creep over to your side of the bed and try to smother you to death while you sleep! They can be terrifying pieces of equipment!
See, guys, your balls are very strange and fascinating things. Kind of like a train wreck only hairier. But just because I, or we, think they are weird, doesn’t mean we are going to neglect them. So, creepy obsessed online stalkers that (by some strange turn of events) turn out to be my next boyfriend(s), have no fear. After all, it’s not like I posted OMB’s picture or real name online. In fact, I think only one of my friends even knows his real name. I just referred to him as “The Dick!” Even when I liked him! Double entendre, for the win! What you probably should be worried about, however, is me making YouTube videos of your strange nighttime ball activity while you are passed out. Hey now, that idea has silver screen potential, too! I can see it all now, Paranormal Activity 3: Ball Activity. I bet you that one would be more frightening than the first two!