Gentlemen take polaroids…
Somewhere on the Eastern shore of Japan It is by pure coincidence that Psycho Bambi, in her infinite bitchdom, made an unprovoked rant on poor Mike Zigomanis a few weeks ago, wherein she spewed, ‘Besides, who knows what diseases come along with a guy that basically walks around with his dick out, while asking the world, “Who’s hungry?” Gross.’ Who knew that “walking around with his dick out” was something Mr. Zigomanis was actually quite fond of doing?! I know I sure didn’t…
Hockey fans in Toronto and all over the internet were given an extra fright on the days leading up to Halloween when dick pics allegedly belonging to Mike Zigomanis surfaced online. I say allegedly because, as you can see, his face is conveniently [Psycho Bambi: and thankfully!!!] absent from the photos, but if you want my *uninformed* opinion, those effeminate yoga pants are very incriminating. Sadly, or rather, hilariously, this is the second incident in recent years that Toronto hockey fans were overexposed to some of the Leafs’ part time players. Poor things. I’m sure your eyesight was still recovering from the Jiri Tlusty incident before the Zigomanis penis likely made you blind for life.
Anyway, before I actually comment on the hockey species’ apparent love for taking disturbing iPhone photos of their mini sticks/stripper poles, I would just like to ask the world who these total bitch-whores are that leak these photos in the first place?! Seriously, how mean are you? I mean, I am a TOTAL CUNT with a mean streak longer than 50 Zigomanis penises. But that being said, even I can’t imagine fucking someone over this badly. Besides, who is dumb enough to upload a private picture when that person will know exactly that you were the recipient, and, therefore, the culprit? In theory, of course. After all, some guys probably have a standard go-to shot that they send to all of their prospective lays.
Back to the hockey players. Guys, what’s wrong with you? Perhaps the fact that you haven’t made the TSN highlight reel in, well, ever, or that you didn’t get your name in the paper for the GWG you definitely didn‘t score has made you forget that you are still a member of a professional hockey organization, and that your risque behaviour reflects badly on your employer and teammates. So, get your head, or rather camera, out of your ass! Next time you get that familiar urge to give an unsuspecting puck bunny a peepshow she won’t soon forget, ask yourselves these questions:
1) Am I still (or ever have been) a member of a multimillion dollar hockey organization?
2) Did I just meet the puck bunny I’m about to flash, and do I barely know her?
3) Am I planning to fuck over the puck bunny I’m attempting to lure with my candid cock shot by either using and abusing, and/or fucking and chucking her?
4) Will I be embarrassed or on thin ice if my mother or wife/girlfriend was to discover this picture?
If you answered YES to any of these questions, then step away from the camera for the love of God! It’s not rocket surgery!
In the case of Mike Zigomanis, I have to wonder, given his Tweet feed, if he actually leaked his own dick pics as an attempt to get laid. You have to admit, it kind of fits. I guess the world will never know. Now, as for the rest of you camera loving hockey players out there, remember these wise words the next time Mr. Happy is ready for his close up:
If you have to resort to taking a picture of your penis in order to get a date, then obviously you ain’t all that above the waist, and, more importantly, on the ice.
There. That should make Mr. Happy one sad panda.