My make-it-or-break-it Coyotes game happened on January 2, 2011 at the Xcel Energy Center in Minnesota. Nothing bad happened, in fact, the opposite of bad is probably a better description. However, these positive occurrences actually enraged me, and I decided I wasn’t willing to go back to the way things were prior to last season. I’m not in the habit of living in the past. Anyway, I decided it was time for a new team, and all I could think of was the Leafs. Maybe it’s the fact that I came home from Korea, and I kind of want to cling to things close to Toronto while I recover. For the past month I was busy weighing the pros and cons of joining up with the Leafs again. One downside is that switching teams this late in the season disrupts my goal of heading to the Western Canadian rinks this year. The Leafs don’t play there, but the Coyotes do! So, maybe I’ll see the Coyotes play again this season, but if I do, please note that they are no longer MY team.

This week I was finally ready to make the change. I was planning to go to the Atlanta game earlier in the week, but I had a hot date, so, you know. Then when my trip to New Jersey and Philadelphia was canceled for this weekend, the Devils game in Toronto seemed like a perfect place to start. However, being the Psycho Lady that I am, I feel like this change will not be official until I see at least one Leafs game on the road before the season ends! So stay tuned for that! Now, let’s get to what actually happened in my first official game as a Leafs fan since 2006!

First of all, I have to tell you that I don’t think I have ever been so pumped for a hockey game in such a long time. I was legitimately bouncing up and down in the car as I drove to the Air Canada Centre that day. I started the night off in the Platinum Club, ogling the talent and drinking the most potent margaritas I have ever had. Not only was I smashed for the warm up, but I was still tipsy well into the second period. I know this because closer to the end of the game, I stopped being strangely attracted to Pierre McGuire! I really have NO IDEA what happened in the first period – AT ALL. I kept trying to order food to absorb some of the tequila, but the ACC must have laid off some of their Platinum in seat servers because I barely ever saw mine! “WORKER!!!!!!”

I also had the creepiest guy ever sitting next to me. He was taking his kid to the game, and the poor little guy was clearly just so happy that Douchey Dad had made some time for him on his birthday. I should also note that DD kept referring to his kid as, “The Boy,” which I found a bit too George Foremany for my taste. Anyway, the whole Operation: Hit-On-Girl-Sitting-Next-To-Me began with him telling me that he gets to take The Boy into the Leafs dressing room after the game, which then turned into him trying to ditch the kid so he can smoke while I take him into the dressing room, and would, therefore, have to hang out with him afterwards. Now, hey, I’m all for some naked hockey players, and I’m definitely not above blatantly sizing up their assets while they look on in awkward discomfort, but this kid was clearly heartbroken that his Douchey Dad kept trying to convince him to let me go in with him instead.

Finally, DD topped the creeper scales when he suggested that he tell the ACC staff that I’m his daughter. Yeah… if I’m young enough to be your daughter, then how about you stop trying to touch me inappropriately! Honestly… I don’t think you know how much I hate public displays even when I actually like the guy, so you can imagine how uncomfortable I was in this situation. Where was the Leafs security when I needed them? This would have never happened in Philadelphia! Once two guys were getting all paparazzi on my ass while I was at… a Devils game, actually…and they were immediately ejected! Toronto FAIL! Anyway, this guy kept putting his arm around me and trying to hug me while I’M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME!!! You know how I feel about people disturbing my hockey experience! The pièce de résistance was when he finally left with his kid, and the mother fucker KISSED ME! Puuuukkkkeeeeee! This was definitely one of my worst hockey experiences ever! Here’s a sample of some of that crap I had to listen to for three periods of regulation AND four minutes and thirty-seven seconds of overtime!

“You’re HOT…you’re a HOT girl!”
OK.
“You should have boyfriend…you’re so HOT!”
Really…
“I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend…”
Mmm hmmm…
“You have to give me your phone number.”
Do I?
“Why don’t you have a boyfriend??”

And so on. Now if I was of the pig-variety then I probably would have gone for the DD creeper with season seats in the Plats at the ACC, who likes to give $10 tips for a $2 purchase, but I’m not. So, Creep Show got shut out. A word of advice: if you actually plan to get anywhere with me, then DON’T annoy me during a hockey game. That goes for the players, too!

Despite my unfortunate seating location, I really enjoyed the experience, and I’m glad to be back. I need to brush the dust of my old Leafs jerseys now! And I know some of you are probably wondering how this affects the whole Arizona thing, well it doesn’t really. I’ve decided to take the lost child approach with this prophecy. I think it’s better that I just stand still and wait for Arizona to come to me! Anyway, enough about that! Why should Leafs fans care that I’ve joined their ranks, you ask? Well, because if history repeats itself, then every time that I have switched teams and shadowed a new club in my adventures, then that team completely turns things around the following season. So, if you want my prediction for the Leafs, then expect them to sign some young veteran guys over the summer, and expect to pay extra for playoff tickets next spring! You’re welcome.

Oh, and one more thing. My sympathies to the awesome Ducks fans back in Anaheim. We’ll take good care of your Big Sexy!

P.S. I’m sure some of the pigs are going to start inventing some new rumours now that I’m back with the Leafs. If you do, might I suggest Mike Komisarek? I think I’d probably go there WINK!

Har Har Har! We all had a good laugh when we heard about the fan that paid through the nose for a lower bowl seat at the Leafs game on December 20, just to hurl a box of frozen waffles onto the ice during play. What got the attention of the hockey world was not that this fan was subsequently thrown out of the ACC, it was the fact that he threw a BOX of WAFFLES! It was just so bizarre! I mean it’s not like we’ve never seen frustrated fans throw things onto the ice after a horrible loss before – but we sure as hell have never seen someone premeditate a waffle toss. I love the reasoning behind the waffle, too! Waffle rhymes with awful… bra-vo. Apparently, he was just so frustrated that his absolute favourite BFF hockey team has been sucking so badly that he needed to make a statement, and apparently it’s in his right to do that.

Now I would hope that Mr. Robb is the ONLY hockey fan that thinks he has been mistreated by the MLSE organization, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are a lot of blind supporters on his side. So, here’s a quick lesson on respect of the game of hockey. If you are a legitimate fan of the game, then not only would you respect the game, the other fans, and the governing powers controlling the League as a whole, but you would also be, in my opinion, very cautious about doing ANYTHING to disrupt your relationship with the sport and your privilege to enter and exit hockey facilities at will. Period.

Blue Waffle went on the record to say something to the effect of how the Canucks or Redwings, for example, wouldn’t treat their fans as badly. Umm…yeah they would, and so would any other pro or semi-pro sports franchise. You can’t waltz into a hockey arena with this kind of agenda, and actually believe that it won’t be the last time you see the ice, taste the beer, or hear the goal horn again, which is exactly my point! As a fan, are you willing to give all that up for poorly thought out and meaningless activism? Look, I’m not Miss Play-By-The-Rules or anything – I’ve been banned from entire countries after all! But there is absolutely nothing that I can imagine to be worth the price of losing my front row access to the game that I love. I’m pretty sure my life would be over if I didn’t have the game day experience anymore. And TRUST me there have been times when I would have loved nothing more than to jump the glass and bitch slap someone (or other), or, in the very least, flip someone off, but these compulsions must be controlled because at ANY hockey facility you can be banned for simply saying the F-bomb too loudly! It’s common knowledge! So, when I hear this story, I don’t really feel any type of sympathy towards this guy because he can no longer see his “beloved” Leafs play live. Instead I just roll my eyes at his pleas, and wonder what kind of fan this guy could have actually been if he was all too willing to take a gamble and pay the ultimate price for a box of waffles.

That night the Leafs decided to do a “homecoming game” wherein they honoured the likes of Alyn McCauley, and basically anyone who has ever played a game with the Leafs, up to and including a goalie who once had a “period shutout” in the 80’s – that’s right, a period shutout, as in he let in goals during that game. Legends. Now, to be fair, they did honour the same big names they always honour, such as Wendel, and Darryl, and Johnny Bower for the millionth time this season alone. I guess Dougie was too busy living it up in the O that night.

The problem is not the ceremonies themselves (however lame), the problem is what said lame ceremonies do to an already fragile Leafs crowd. We all know that a large portion of the in house Leafs fans are of the corporate persuasion. And while I’m not one to judge who is or is not a “real” fan, I have always noticed that there is a much larger percentage of patrons at the Air Canada Centre that seem to just be non-fans simply enjoying a night out. Seems kind of unfair when you think that there are lifelong, true blue, and loyal as all @#$% fans out there that would pay top dollar to be sitting in those seats. So, when the game day crowd is already not as enthusiastic as, say, the crowds at the Front Street pubs, and in man caves across the country, then these unnecessarily emotional tributes will only succeed in sucking the life right out of the entire building.

And it sure did.

I also noticed that the amount of red jerseys in the crowd was a lot higher than it used to be. Sure, there have always been a tonne of Montreal fans at these tilts in the past, and loads of blue jerseys at the Bell Centre when the Leafs come to town, but I was actually taken aback by how the red seemed to be taking over the ACC that night. I guess more and more disgruntled Leafs fans are jumping ship to Montreal, which is kind of shocking to me. If being a diehard Leafs fan is in your blood, then it’s practically blasphemy to start an affair with the Habs. I would have thought it was impossible, but I understand the influence of Hal Gill can be too much to handle at times.

The game, once again courtesy of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment Ltd, was a bit of a snooze as to be expected. The Leafs (somehow) shamed the Habs with a final score of 3-1. The third goal was an empty netter, and the first two were scored in the first period, so… you know… The highlights for me were drinking my first rootbeer since Korea, using the MLSE bathroom instead of the public ones like some scrub, when my friend outbid one of the aforementioned scrubs for a Maurice Richard autographed puck and photo majig thingie, and the free parking.

I probably shouldn’t let the world in on this fact, but CIBC Infinite Visa now gets you free parking at the NHLPA lot (20 Bay Street) for every Leafs and Raptors home game! This may not seem like much to fans in other cities, but in Toronto this particular lot is $20 on game night. Save some cash, and buy yourself something nice. Also, I should add that this credit card just happens to be the official card of PsychoLadyHockey.com! You’re welcome for the free promotional spot, CIBC! How about you pay my bills out of gratitude? If you haven’t noticed, I have a bit of a hockey addiction!

Top Photo: Alyn McCauley, a Maple Leaf that actually saw the post season while playing in Toronto. P.S. I’d go there…

I ended up checking out of the hotel way later than I had expected. I was watching HBO or something while I was packing, and He’s Just Not that Into You came on. I was very against the whole idea of that movie when I first heard about it. I really hate all that self-help dating stuff, especially considering it’s usually based on the experience of the individual, and centres around women having to modify their behaviour to be even remotely worthy of any man. I won’t go off on one of THOSE tangents, though. And, like I said, I don’t read those books and haven’t read this particular book either. All I know is that my friends that do subscribe to this brand of garbage, basically turn into walking doormats the moment a penis enters the vicinity. Whatever works, right? I’m personally not a doormat, nor do I find doormats attractive. So, I would definitely rather be without someone who wants that type of person *ahem* stereotypical hockey wife.

Anyway, when the movie was about to come on, I reached for the remote to flick it off, but had a curious change of heart. I thought that I’d see how this movie handled all the grade A advice staining the pages of the book. I was only going to watch it for twenty minutes or so while I finished getting my stuff together, but I have to admit that it was surprisingly good. Long after I had packed and put my coat on to leave, I could not pull myself away from it. I had to see how it ended. I was literally perched on the end of the bed in my winter coat, boots, and with car keys in hand for a solid hour at least! What I found interesting about the movie was that all the main characters ended up being “exceptions.” I kind of like that big F you the writers appear to have sent to the author of the book by doing that. After all, what good can the theories and “rules” be if they can’t even hold up?

At 1PM, I finally left my hotel and was bound for the big Victoria’s Secret on Michigan Ave. Surprise! They just happened to be having their Semi Annual Sale. I knew this was going to be more than a quick run in to pick up a new bra. I spent two whole hours in that place, and came away with some gems like the top photo suggests. Mine’s black, though, and it looks better on her, I’m pretty sure. It was great for me to actually have something to declare when the border guard asked me how much I spent on goods. They usually find it suspicious that I never go shopping when I’m away on my trips. Sorry, I just really HATE that activity. This time around, my border guard was a femme, and we had a nice little chat about the sale.

At three, I was back on the road and headed directly into the same hideous weather I hit on my initial journey to the Windy City. Luckily, I stumbled upon Easy Street somewhere in the-middle-of-nowhere, Michigan. Literally. I stopped for gas in some no name spot, which happened to be off a meaningless road with Easy St. labeled on the street sign. So, that’s where it is! Unfortunately, the streets weren’t easy for very long. I still had the 402 to conquer, and, of course, it did not falter in providing me with another one of its usual winter whiteout challenges.

What I love about driving, even in terrible snowstorms, is that the road gives me a place to think. Naturally, finding an NHL team to call my own was a major topic of internal debate during this trip. In my head there were really only three candidates, the Ducks, the Leafs, and the Coyotes. The Ducks have a lot of things that I like, but this trip made me feel like the team and I don’t have enough history to keep a long distance bond like ours alive for long. The Leafs and I go way back. They are the team I grew up with, and we’ve been through a lot. I was there when the team was hot, just like I was there when they were not. And the support was mutual. The Leafs were there for me when I had no one. I sometimes wonder what I would have done without my Saturday night Leafs game at certain points in my life. However, the home games are ridiculously overpriced and tickets are hard to come by. Granted, I’d spend more money paying for a flight, accommodations, and a hockey ticket in the Pacific Division, but the Leafs don’t satisfy the adventurer in me seeing as it only takes me ten minutes to get to the rink. Then there’s Phoenix. I don’t have much to say in their favour at this point, but something someone told me a month and a half ago has played over and over again in my mind.

A woman felt that she needed to weigh in on that whole Arizona Prophecy thing. She told me she lost me at the point that I decided to ditch the Coyotes. Basically, she felt that everything seemed to say that Arizona was where I needed to be, so, no matter what, I shouldn’t have pulled myself away. Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s not. It’s hard to know what events to pay attention to and what to filter out. She makes some sense, but I don’t know if I can really go back at this point. Going to see a team play, just so you can cheer against them, is not all that enjoyable. Trust me.

By the time I pulled into the drive way at my parents’ house, I made no decision about my new NHL allegiance. Instead, I began to get some crazy ideas in my head that I might branch out altogether. I was thinking that maybe it was time to take a little vacation from the NHL, and switch leagues for a month or so – for my sanity. Luckily, the Olympic break is right around the corner, so the timing couldn’t be more perfect. Stay tuned for details.

Roll the credits…