Stanley Cup Viewing Party « Psycho Lady Hockey

Tag: Stanley Cup Viewing Party

Thursday, April 28th, 2011

Things you should know about the Stanley Cup, but don’t because you’re not me.

It’s no secret that I get around hockey leagues faster than Chlamydia in a sorority house (looking at you, AOPi), so it should be shocking to no one that I’d have a lot of insider info of the semi-inappropriate nature. But, hey, what good are inappropriate stories, if you can’t share them with the Internet? So, to honour the first day of the second round of the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs, I will share some true stories that I have been privy to regarding the Holy Grail of Hockey. Strap on your skates, Gordie. You’re about to discover a few new meanings to the term, “Cup Crazy.” Enjoy! Oh, and for the record, I’m proud to say that I survived university without contracting an STD… or is it STI now?!

World’s worst travel buddy.

I know how easily offended some of you people can be, so I’ll ease you into these stories with some non-inappropriate ones. As you know, there are multiple Stanley Cups. The real one, and the fakes that you’ve probably seen at the Hockey Hall of Fame in the heart of downtown Toronto. The real Stanley is off doing promotional and charity events all over the world during the regular season, and it’s truly a miracle that he arrives on time at all. Cup escorts will report that Stanley ends up in the mysterious dimension of lost luggage several times a year. Cup escorts will also report shitting their pants the first time this happens on their watch. Rookie move, obviously.

You won the Cup, buddy, that doesn’t make you the Lord of the skies.

Yes, every player gets his Day with Stanley in the offseason following their season as the best in show. However, there are rules governing what a player can and cannot do on his special day. For instance casinos and strip clubs are off limits, but pretty much everything else gets a green light… within reason. A few seasons ago, one player, lacking all common sense, announced that he would take the Cup skydiving. The Hockey Hall of Fame quickly put the kibosh on that one. This would go down in history as one of the few times the HHOF would cock their heads, and think, “I know you took a couple pucks to the head, but really?!”

Umm… I can see your boobs…

However, what one dumb hockey player can’t achieve, a 23 man roster, surely can. Hmm can I say what team this is, or not? Let’s just say a certain Western Conference team decided to find a way to bend the no strip club rule when they celebrated their Cup win as a collective bunch. If you can’t take the Cup to the strippers, you can take the strippers to the Cup. They referred to this act as, “Nipples on the Cup.” Bravo. Way to use your thinking caps, boys! Proud of you.

Mini Stanley – Not just a name for your penis anymore!

A random fact most people don’t know about winning a Stanley Cup. The players, or hockey gods as you might call them, don’t just get really elaborate and scary rings, they also get siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick mini replicas of the Cup. Mini Stanley is about 18 inches tall (but don’t take my word for it, I’m a girl after all, and have had several men try to convince me that 3 inches was actually 8), and is engraved with team name, 23 man roster, and the year they won. It’s a nice, compact version of the Stanley Cup that is a lot easier to lift and fondle than the real one, especially when you’re wearing nothing but stripper heels. Not that I ever did that…

In the presence of the Grail, boys become men, and women become… really, really cheap dates.

What is it about the Stanley Cup that inspires not only greatness but madness from players and fans alike? Beats me! All I know is that the Cup can make you do a lot of crazy things… things you told yourself you wouldn’t do, or at least, not until he put a ring on it… I guess a Stanley Cup ring is a worthy substitute for an engagement ring, especially when you have a commitment phobia. Seriously, where did those moves come from? Stanley Cup inspiration is otherwise known as the Stanley Cup Treatment. You’re just so excited to be fondling Mini Stanley, that you don’t care that he thinks Rihanna is appropriate go-to music… among other things. The SCT is reserved exclusively for Stanley Cup winners…or if a player has gone deep enough… into the playoffs that is, and has the beard of a Stanley Cup Champ… or so I’ve been told… GuesS yoU’re out of luck, eh? To be fair, taking down a Stanley Cup Champ is the closest thing any of us girls are gonna get to actually winning one. Sad, but true.

Top Photo: Good thing Crosby has a Cup because you know he ain’t gettin’ the SCT for that sad attempt at a playoff beard!

Tags: randomness, stanley cup, stanley cup treatment, Stanley Cup Viewing Party

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Friday, April 8th, 2011

OHL Playoffs Round 1: The Niagara IceDogs Story… sort of.

St. Catharines and Brampton, ON Back to the land of game entries that are surprisingly absent from Psycho Lady Hockey, we look back about a week ago to the uninspiring first round series between the Niaraga IceDogs and the Brampton Battalion. Yawn.

The series began with a Jersey Shore incident from one of those little puck bunnies in denial that like to harass all female hockey fans if they believe that they are trying to steal their men. I get this stuff all the time. I’m somehow sleeping with all the players, but at the same time none of them would touch me. Which is true, as you know, I’m saving myself for marriage or until Sami Lepisto decides that he wants to go slumming for a couple of hours (read: minutes). Anyway, what set this girl apart from the other puck bunnies in denial (and, thus, makes her blog notable) is that she went to ridiculous lengths to not only try to convince me, but all of Twitter that I’m a “joke.” She made up stories that various NHL, AHL, and OHL players were friends with her and had nothing better to do than to trash me all day, every day. Funny enough some of the guys she was mentioning were actually people I knew, and when asked, had absolutely no idea who she was. Burn. But enough about her craziness, the reason she is relevant to the story of my first round IceDogs adventure is because she kept threatening to show up at each and every game to “hunt” me down. OK, crazy, if I “stalk hockey players” and you stalk me, what does that make you, hmmm? Some sort of vigilante? She, at 5’4” (she boasts), was apparently plotting to start a fight with me. Well… I’m 5’9,” which makes me 6’2” depending on the height of my stripper heels, so good luck with that, chickie. And, yes, I always have a pair of go-to heels in the backseat of my car because, well, you never know, right? WINK WINK.

Sadly, the crazy girl never showed up to entertain me, and neither did the Brampton Battalion. Here’s a brief summary of each game in that series:

Game 1: Niagara dominated.

Game 2: Niagara dominated.

Game 3: Niagara dominated.

Game 4: Niagara dominated.

You’d think this would be a great thing for Niagara fans, but in terms of game quality it was a snooze fest. Maybe I’ve just been to way too many hockey games in my day, but in my books a hard fought battle always outweighs a landslide victory even if my team is the one winning more than Chuck Sheen at life.

My major “holy shit” moment of the series happened when I realized that Ryan Oulahen was now one of the Vice Coaches for Brampton. This realization hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I started to become very aware of my age. How OLD am I, really?! With Oulahen on the bench, every game felt like a walk of shame. Not to say that I ever took him down…I didn’t… but that’s not to say I wouldn’t, especially now that he’s a coach – I love me some coach action! Uhhhh… but not until marriage OBVIOUSLY! Another memorable moment was when Canucks prospect, Darren Archibald, had a four goal night to open up the series. He knows how to hit the back of the net like an FJ to the bumper of an unsuspecting two-door. It reminded me of a young Joffrey Lupul back with the Ducks in 2006. I know this because my second car, Lupie, was named after Lupul solely based on his performance in that playoff game. Also note that the Battalion’s rink, Powerade Centre, or “The Bunker,” became my 48th significant hockey arena visited. I did the math the other day; that number makes me feel so… average, and, consequently, quite filthy.

After Game 4 ended, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with myself for a week without Little Boy Hockey. I decided to head across town to see about the “best chicken wings” in Toronto (they really are the best). One thing led to another, beer became tequila, and suddenly I was whisked away to a Stanley Cup Viewing Party. I wouldn’t say anything normally, but it was requested that I blog and make sure to say that I learned, “the proper way to take a penalty shot” that night. Happy? Think whatever you want about that statement, and it will probably be pretty accurate. See, another reason to have an emergency pair of stripper heels in the car at all times; you never know when a Stanley Cup is just going to magically appear in front of you! The End.

Top Photo: Niagara set up a drumline behind the Brampton bench for Game 1, then they got in trouble by the League.

Tags: Brampton Battalion, crazies., Niagara IceDogs, Stanley Cup Viewing Party

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