Tag: puck bunny

Thursday, September 26th, 2013

The Legend of the Male Puck Bunny

The mythical male puck bunny seems to exist on a hypothetical plane. I mean, you’ve probably considered that some degrees of bromance could fall into the puck bunny category. However, the true male puck bunny comes from a much larger demographic than the small pool of occasional man-crushes that got way out of hand.

Unlike female puck bunnies, the male puck bunny is not characterized by his “unsavoury” desires, but rather what he is lacking, namely knowledge of the actual game of hockey. Now, you might be quick to call the male puck bunny a casual fan, and you wouldn’t be wrong. However, since the only true and unifying trait on the puck biter spectrum is artificiality, either in knowledge and/or intention, the casual fan would definitely qualify as one.

To be fair, I have only encountered a true male puck bunny once in my entire history of hockey adventures, but just like the mystical leprechaun and the great unicorn before him, you only need to see one to know that they are out there. I’ve met some casual sports fans in my day. You know, the people who “support the arts” until Super Bowl Sunday, and then suddenly they are the biggest fucking sports fan on the god-damn planet, or the unknown hockey fans who flooded my Facebook timeline with a lot of Leafs love for the first time in 9 years (and possibly ever) this past May. Festivities and fairweathery are not, however, the motivations of the male pucky. The male of the species seems to support the game because he feels his natural propensity to not like hockey is somehow holding him back socially, as, perhaps, the lack of hockey playing boyfriend and/or toyfriend may be holding the she-bunny back in her mind.

My male puck bunny was a sweet guy, but his love of hockey seemed to come out of nowhere. He was a textbook geek. He was nerdy and awkward, but not exactly the brightest bulb. In fact, he was pretty much the Christmas bulb that just would not light no matter how many times you changed it. I theorize that he hit a point in his life when he realized that a good majority of men and his friends devoutly practiced the religion of sport. So, he decided to fake it till he too witnessed a miracle by the hands of the hockey gods. He started buying up hundreds of jerseys, going to as many games as he could, and he essentially just sat there watching without actually knowing what was going on. I’m sure he has picked up a bit of hockey on the way, but back then it was really odd to see so many games with a non-fan, especially when other guy fans would instinctively try to talk shop with him instead of me, only to be met with blank stares and the nervous smiles of a guilty poseur.

If you think about it, the male puck bunny is like the perfect “ugly friend.” The “ugly friend,” according to Hollywood, is apparently the unattractive friend that girls go out with so that they will look better by comparison and get all the attention from prospective penile injections. For many she-bunnies, hockey knowledge comes second to the business of getting into those jock straps, and since the first rule of the Puck Bunny Code is to deny said title, the male puck bunny can really help the ladies look good. He is, after all, the one guy in the whole arena who probably knows less about the fundamentals of hockey than they do, and, therefore, he starts to make them look like the real fucking deal.

Complete lack of hockey knowledge aside, pretty much ALL male hockey fans have their puck bunny moments. Did an actual, honest to fuck, NHL star check our YOUR girlfriend during the warm up? Did an actual, honest to fuck, NHL star laugh at your witty in-game signage? Yep, these are just a couple of the instances that male hockey fans get all gushy and starry eyed.

Back in my Milwaukee days, a local friend of mine used to pretty much get off on the fact that the guys on the ice would stare at me. Hell, he noticed it 1000000x more than I did. Although there was nothing romantic or sexual going on between the two of us, it was like he prided himself on the fact that he was out with a girl that actual, honest to fuck, AHL players were starring at. I was disappointed in him. He was from Detroit, so I expected more from a Wings fan.

However, the fun extended well past Milwaukee and many more man-crush moments were had and lives made. Another story I found funny was from a playoff trip to Philadelphia. While looking for a place to park, I pulled a U-y and ended up in an awkward standoff with one of the Flyers and his fancy pants “whips.” Of course, when the other car stopped abruptly and the driver clearly knew and recognized the driver of my vehicle *ahem* me, my male friend/passenger practically melted. He claimed that the “U-turn Incident” was the best part of the whole trip. Yes, even better than a second round match up between the Flyers and Habs!

As for the male puck bunny, I’m not quite sure how they are received by hockey players. I mean, with she-bunnies it’s pretty much a 50/50 split. Hockey players either embrace them or renounce them (but only on paper). Oddly enough, my male puck bunny endured many dirty looks from prospective on-ice penile injections. One player even made a point to have a serious discussion with me about “that guy at the games.” It seemed like he was legitimately concerned, which I never understood. I guess that’s the difference between the male and female hockey fans. When you’re a guy, you’re a fan until proven otherwise, and when you’re a lady, the whole thing gets horribly reversed.

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Sunday, February 17th, 2013

The Puck Bunny Bullshit Detector

Toronto, ON The older I get the more I realize that puck bunny cliches and general puck bunnyism is not merely a stage of immaturity in a young hockey fan’s life. The older I get the older the puck bunnies are that I encounter, but shockingly their attitudes and experiences haven’t changed at all from that of their 16 year old selves. As a result of this lack of evolution, I find myself continuously disheartened by the fact that my ongoing attempts to enlighten others on this subject are clearly not registering. Now, I haven’t been striving to prevent puck bunnies from making the usual mistakes all rookie puck bunnies make, but rather I was hoping to change their attitudes about them, so that said mistakes don’t end with them flying off the rails emotionally. However, along the road of my hockey misadventures, I continue to encounter puck bunnies who try to feed me (and everyone else) the usual puck bunny bullshit and lies that puck bunnies have been spewing since they first hopped into existence. Sadly, this perpetual need to tell stories leads me to believe that absolutely nothing has changed, and it probably never will. That being said, it is probably beneficial to everyone in the hockey community to review some of the typical puck bunny bullshit, so that you won’t be duped the next time you encounter a puckie with a nose as long as Pinocchio.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks...

The first thing you need to remember is that most puck bunny bullshit is aimed at deflecting the puck bunny label. Sometimes this is innocent enough, and comes in the form of the uber paranoid hockey fan, who avoids doing pretty much everything out of fear of being misrepresented. They won’t sit in the lower bowl, wear a pink jersey, attend hockey games alone, visit an autograph table without an overly rehearsed speech about why they want the autograph in the first place, and the list goes on. Furthermore, they are also the first to point the furry finger of puck bunny judgement at any woman doing any of the above mentioned items. Of course, they “just love the game,” and “would never date/do a player,” but what you really have to ask yourself when faced with this level of bullshit is, “If she really isn’t a puck bunny, why does everything she do revolve around being (or not being) one?” Besides, no rational woman wouldn’t take a chance on a great guy (assuming there are genuinely decent hockey players out there) out of fear of being mislabeled a puck bunny by total strangers.

The one that got away…

Chances are, if you’ve been faced with puck bunny bullshit, it was likely very grandiose. Chances are you’ve encountered a woman who claims to be the long lost love of some NHL superstar or several. Of course, they never actually went on a date because she is too good for him, which is (again) quite interesting considering he is the only person she ever talks about. This puck bunny will tell you elaborate stories straight from the pages of any romance novel clearly written by someone who knows nothing about professional sports. She often draws from the repertoire of stereotypical puck bunny fantasies. These fantasies include: multiple superstar teammates competing for her attention, which naturally results in heated conflict and one or more of them being traded, players getting themselves purposely thrown out of a game in order to ask her out on a date, and other general ridiculousness. I don’t think I need to tell you that NHL players aren’t being paid millions of dollars to fuck around on the ice and jeopardize their team’s success in order to ask some anonymous girl in the stands out on a date. I don’t think I need to tell you that no matter how pretty she is, these guys get plenty of girls, so another pretty face probably isn’t evoking much more than a, “Meh, I could eat” response. Besides, if they were really motivated to meet her, they MIGHT send someone NOT on the ice to approach her on their behalf, but even that would generally be perceived as bad behaviour *AHEM.* I’m not entirely sure what the motivation is for these puck bunnies. Surely, if you were to feel self-elevated as a result of the attention/love of professional athletes, then you might like to give one of them a shot, or in the very least a pity coffee date! That would, of course, be the obvious decision made by anyone who was even remotely flattered by the attention. That is, if the option/attention was actually on the table, which it probably isn’t.

The pathological liar…

It is actually crazy how many puck bunnies I’ve met who take the bullshit to a pathological level. It is one thing to make up a story about hockey players, and quite another to ONLY make up stories about hockey players. In my years of hockey travels I have encountered several women who would related anything and everything to a time when a hockey player had hit on them in some way. There was one girl that will always stand out in my mind. She used to always talk about how guys on the local team would hit on her, one guy even asked her father permission to ask her out on a date, but he “like totally got nervous and never went through with it” *rolls eyes.* I remember after I started seeing someone on that team, I had seen her at one of the games as I usually did. I remember telling her I thought she was wearing a nice shirt, and she proceeded to tell me about how *my guy* always comments on the shirt whenever she wears it. Unfortunately, *my guy* had never met her. A couple years ago there was a weirdo on Twitter who used to tweet about how she was dating pretty much everyone in Toronto pro sports. She seemed to take particular interest in the guy I was… uhhh… “involved” with at the time. She even claimed to be out on a date with him at the same time that I was… uhhh… “visiting” him. We laughed. I don’t think I need to tell you that he also didn’t know who she was. Anyway, I could go on with other examples, but I think I made my point. Now, although these lies seem innocent enough, and aren’t as delusional as the “experiences” of those that got away, the fact that these women feel the need to incorporate made up events in their day-to-day lives is more than a little unsettling.

Anyway, typically, one can use common sense when detecting puck bunny bullshit. However, there are also people that just believe that everything any girl says is bullshit on account of the fact that they stupidly believe that hockey players never take down anything that isn’t consider a “10” by Plastic Today magazine. Whether your bullshitty puck bunny is all about “wheeling” or “just waiting till he hangs ‘em up,” there is definitely one thing that is true in their house of lies. They could all use a good reality check and a crash course in being original.

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