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Tag: Phoenix Coyotes

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Coyotes@Red Wings 24 Style – Bambi Does MotorCity.

Since January 26th was the first birthday of Psycho Lady Hockey, it seemed only fitting that I celebrate the occasion with a hockey game. (Did you know that it was Wayne Gretzky’s birthday that day, too? I feel special!) I wasn’t feeling too adventurous, so I figured a game close to home would be the best. I’ve been to Detroit several times for games, including Phoenix games. It’s a usual haunt for me. So, anyone who may have “questioned” why I would have gone there would clearly have just been looking for a pointless excuse to open communication with me – I figure.

Anyway, a few days before the game, Bambi begged and pleaded with me to let her go to the game in my stead. I was pretty leery about this given Bambi has a terrible track record at hockey arenas. And I’m not talking in the sense that she is bad luck for one team or the other, but rather, sometimes, she takes the puck bunny behaviour a little too far. The last time Bambi was at a game, she was so taken with the fact that one of the players kept smiling at her (and I have to admit, he was a total babe), that, upon him scoring in the remaining five minutes of the game, she ripped her top off and started waving it around her head like a lasso. I should also point out that she neglected to wear a bra to this event. And I should also-also point out that this was a minor league game! It has been years since I have let her go to another game with good reason.

For those of you who don’t know Bambi, she is a raging puck bunny who embraces the term and the lifestyle. But don’t be fooled by that fact, she still knows a shitload about hockey. She is a bleach blonde, fake tanned, wannabe Barbie doll stripper, and that’s why we love her. She can be a bit self-centred, bitchy, and in many ways evil, but I think that’s all part of her appeal. To get to know Bambi, make sure you click here to follow her on Twitter. Don’t forget to follow Carmen as well, so the poor girl doesn’t get a complex that nobody likes a daywalker… I mean…red head.

Take it away, Bambi.

OK, so I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say here. I was told to take pictures of myself every hour, and that’s it. Whatever. I left the T-dot extra early. I had to sneak away while Carm was in the shower, so she wouldn’t cramp my style. Hello, sometimes hot guys try to pick you up on the highway, and I really don’t need a head full of ginger cock blocking me, thanks. I didn’t see too many prospects, though, there were these two guys working at the Esso when I stopped for gas that just WOULD NOT STOP STARING. Take a picture, right?

The border guard was hot, but a total douche bag. He thought I looked dangerous or some shit. He asked me if I had ever been arrested. Umm for what, buddy? All the illegal porn you’re currently fantasizing about me doing in your head right at this moment? Please, let me through already, so you can take a Jergens break. It was kind of funny that while I was crossing the border to come back to Canada, they asked me similar questions. Did I have pepper spray on me? I can see how that would be a legitimate concern. They obviously thought I needed to know how to defend myself against an onslaught of negative male attention. Little did they know that negative male attention is my favourite!

The game was wicked awesome! Psycho and Carm were texting me saying how jealous they were that I was at the Joe and they weren’t. I’d like to point out that I’m pretty sure the Coyotes won because of me. The entire friggin’ team was staring down my shirt all night! And let me tell you, what I’ve got going on down there inspires great things. You’re welcome, Phoenix.

That’s all I really have to say, I’m supposed to pick a song now for the “credits” or something lame like that…

10 AM Stole the keys from Carm and heading off to D-Rock. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, they are real.

11 AM Stopped at the ‘Rents to drop off some ish. No one was home, so I left them a friendly note on the fridge.

12 PM Attempting to take a picture of myself in the mirror. FAIL.

1 PM I don’t know why people always think I’m up to no good…

2 PM Great Success!

3 PM Psycho told me to be cautious if I felt like I was receiving some type of sign. Between 3 and 4 PM I started randomly taking pictures of the radio. I came out with three pictures: Trouble, Phoenix, Warning. How interesting.

4 PM Stopped for some Lupper just before the bridge. It’s like no matter where I go, Carmen is always right there with me!

5 PM Sitting in front of the Joe. I got bored, so I decided to send some assholish text messages to Grand Rapids with hilarious results.

6 PM Me and my Jungle Juice!

7 PMOne of the few moments this kid wasn’t all over my stuff. It was like he knew me or something. Probably in his dreams LOL!

8 PM My homeboy,Todd Bertuzzi!

9 PM Random view from my seat! HOTT!

10 PMHome again. More of me, me, me, me!

11 PM Stupid biatch working the McDonald’s behind PUCK MASTERS screwed up my order. I was too hungry and cold to go in and complain, though. Anyway, sorry people, but I lost interest in the whole “24″ project at this point. Going on road trips by yourself is HARD. I don’t know how Psycho Lady does it…seriously!

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Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

Chicago (Day 3): Snowstorms and lacy things.

I rolled out of bed pretty late on that Monday. I was feeling kind of lazy and lost the will to do anything crazy in my usual form. I had been toying with the idea of either continuing on to Minnesota, or heading south to Dallas. I think I crave the adventure maybe more than I crave the actual hockey. Unfortunately, I was ill equipped to embark upon another “mystical six game road trip” like I had spontaneously mounted last season at the beginning of March. So, I decided that a trip to Victoria’s Secret was all the excitement I was going to have that day.

I ended up checking out of the hotel way later than I had expected. I was watching HBO or something while I was packing, and He’s Just Not that Into You came on. I was very against the whole idea of that movie when I first heard about it. I really hate all that self-help dating stuff, especially considering it’s usually based on the experience of the individual, and centres around women having to modify their behaviour to be even remotely worthy of any man. I won’t go off on one of THOSE tangents, though. And, like I said, I don’t read those books and haven’t read this particular book either. All I know is that my friends that do subscribe to this brand of garbage, basically turn into walking doormats the moment a penis enters the vicinity. Whatever works, right? I’m personally not a doormat, nor do I find doormats attractive. So, I would definitely rather be without someone who wants that type of person *ahem* stereotypical hockey wife.

Anyway, when the movie was about to come on, I reached for the remote to flick it off, but had a curious change of heart. I thought that I’d see how this movie handled all the grade A advice staining the pages of the book. I was only going to watch it for twenty minutes or so while I finished getting my stuff together, but I have to admit that it was surprisingly good. Long after I had packed and put my coat on to leave, I could not pull myself away from it. I had to see how it ended. I was literally perched on the end of the bed in my winter coat, boots, and with car keys in hand for a solid hour at least! What I found interesting about the movie was that all the main characters ended up being “exceptions.” I kind of like that big F you the writers appear to have sent to the author of the book by doing that. After all, what good can the theories and “rules” be if they can’t even hold up?

At 1PM, I finally left my hotel and was bound for the big Victoria’s Secret on Michigan Ave. Surprise! They just happened to be having their Semi Annual Sale. I knew this was going to be more than a quick run in to pick up a new bra. I spent two whole hours in that place, and came away with some gems like the top photo suggests. Mine’s black, though, and it looks better on her, I’m pretty sure. It was great for me to actually have something to declare when the border guard asked me how much I spent on goods. They usually find it suspicious that I never go shopping when I’m away on my trips. Sorry, I just really HATE that activity. This time around, my border guard was a femme, and we had a nice little chat about the sale.

At three, I was back on the road and headed directly into the same hideous weather I hit on my initial journey to the Windy City. Luckily, I stumbled upon Easy Street somewhere in the-middle-of-nowhere, Michigan. Literally. I stopped for gas in some no name spot, which happened to be off a meaningless road with Easy St. labeled on the street sign. So, that’s where it is! Unfortunately, the streets weren’t easy for very long. I still had the 402 to conquer, and, of course, it did not falter in providing me with another one of its usual winter whiteout challenges.

What I love about driving, even in terrible snowstorms, is that the road gives me a place to think. Naturally, finding an NHL team to call my own was a major topic of internal debate during this trip. In my head there were really only three candidates, the Ducks, the Leafs, and the Coyotes. The Ducks have a lot of things that I like, but this trip made me feel like the team and I don’t have enough history to keep a long distance bond like ours alive for long. The Leafs and I go way back. They are the team I grew up with, and we’ve been through a lot. I was there when the team was hot, just like I was there when they were not. And the support was mutual. The Leafs were there for me when I had no one. I sometimes wonder what I would have done without my Saturday night Leafs game at certain points in my life. However, the home games are ridiculously overpriced and tickets are hard to come by. Granted, I’d spend more money paying for a flight, accommodations, and a hockey ticket in the Pacific Division, but the Leafs don’t satisfy the adventurer in me seeing as it only takes me ten minutes to get to the rink. Then there’s Phoenix. I don’t have much to say in their favour at this point, but something someone told me a month and a half ago has played over and over again in my mind.

A woman felt that she needed to weigh in on that whole Arizona Prophecy thing. She told me she lost me at the point that I decided to ditch the Coyotes. Basically, she felt that everything seemed to say that Arizona was where I needed to be, so, no matter what, I shouldn’t have pulled myself away. Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s not. It’s hard to know what events to pay attention to and what to filter out. She makes some sense, but I don’t know if I can really go back at this point. Going to see a team play, just so you can cheer against them, is not all that enjoyable. Trust me.

By the time I pulled into the drive way at my parents’ house, I made no decision about my new NHL allegiance. Instead, I began to get some crazy ideas in my head that I might branch out altogether. I was thinking that maybe it was time to take a little vacation from the NHL, and switch leagues for a month or so – for my sanity. Luckily, the Olympic break is right around the corner, so the timing couldn’t be more perfect. Stay tuned for details.

Roll the credits…

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Saturday, November 28th, 2009

I found more hockey shit than I bargained for on my old PC.

In 2001, I bought a fancy brand new computer. It had one of those p-i-m-p liquid gel flat screens – totally ballin’ for the times. The hope was that this little baby would last me through the rest of high school and my university career. But, as you all know, I was irresponsible in university. I chose to travel all over North America (and Europe) stalking hockey rinks, instead of going to class. Eventually, my precious PC couldn’t take it anymore, and started to break down BIG TIME. At first, I reduced my use of it. I switched over to a lap top, and only logged into the old broad if I needed to print something. Finally, one fateful day, she wouldn’t even turn on anymore. Apparently, the Apocalypse was fast approaching.

Tonight, after all this time, I was able to extract most of the files and documents from the wasteland that was my old PC. I flew into a mild rage because most of my pictures didn’t make it. I was actually hoping to see some old snap shots from back in the old days of my early hockey road trips. Oh well! I guess we’ll never know what really happened! Anyway, I was browsing through some of the files, and there were a few gems hidden away in my “My Received Files” folder. Apart from some excellent jams that I hadn’t heard in years, I also came across a couple pictures of some current NHL players like you’ve never seen them before. Don’t get excited! These aren’t scandalous pictures by any means, they are just pictures you wouldn’t find doing a routine Google Images search.

Most people’s high school yearbook pictures come back to haunt them, but I think you’d have to agree that Nashville Predators D-man, Kevin Klein, looked a lot better in twelfth grade…when he had hair. Yes, kids, this photo was straight from the pages of the 2001-2002 St. Michael’s College School yearbook. That’s an ALL BOYS school in case you were looking to get hot ‘n’ bothered tonight, and yes, they had to wear THAT uniform. P.S. I used to bust that tie out for the “jocks and school girls” parties on campus. (Un)fortunately, photos from said parties were not saved.

During the 2004-2005 NHL Lock Out, the players had a lot of time on their hands. Many opted to make use of this time by experimenting with blond hair dye. Nashville Predators forward, Jordin Tootoo, my buddy, Corey, and Phoenix Coyotes winger, Scottie Upshall. I actually remember these pictures! Unfortunately, this is the only one that made it.

My friend and I at the 2004 OHL Championship game at the Hershey Centre in Mississauga. We actually witnessed the J. Ross Robertson Cup being hoisted that night. I have yet to see another holy grail of hockey being awarded live again. Also, apparently blond highlights were all the rage, eh? I’m rocking them, too.

Of course, the hockey content I retrieved wasn’t JUST pictures. My hockey related writings all made it over as well. Not only is the original manuscript of Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies safe and sound, but so are the several chapters of the sequel! I had attempted to do a spinoff of Down the Rabbit Hole, and tell a fictitious story about the life of a puck bunny. I wrote several chapters, but stopped because the content was actually beginning to terrify me. Don’t believe that it scared the crap out of me? Here’s a sample from Chapter Eight (2004),

My quest for victims was successful beyond my wildest dreams. I began to refer to Ryan as my first kill. He paved the way for other members of the Heathburg Coyotes. I devoured their team like a lethal swarm of locusts. I branded many of them as I did Ryan – like pigs being marked for slaughter.

Wow. By the way, how fucking insane/creepy is it that I named my fictitious team the Coyotes back in 2004? I actually just really freaked myself out. SERIOUSLY! I just about died when I read that. Apparently, I was also quite fond of the term, “pig” even back then! HAHA. Anyway, I also came across a poem that made it into an anthology at the University of Toronto. We had to submit Canadian content, so naturally I chose hockey. Again, this poem is from around the same time period, a time when I was reluctant to sugar coat the hockey world the way that I do on Psycho Lady Hockey, and, therefore, it is equally fucked up. I turned bright red when I read it again for the first time in five years tonight, but whatever. Feel free to try to analyze it, though, keep in mind that I was a teenager when I wrote it, so it might not be as complex as you make it out to be. Enjoy!

Blueliner (2004)

On the blueline
dies the man,
borne again patriot
whose jagged blades and crooked spears
defend glory, land and leaf.
This knight’s armor
hides his truth,
twilight’s loveless passion,
illegitimate peewees, and
an amber addiction.

On the blueline
glides the beast,
an angel fallen for
two minute sins: pride, lust, and greed;
a national idol.
This wolf has eyes –
predacious,
on a ruthless hunt with
cannibalistic hungers for
blood and sweat, flesh and skin.

On the blueline
stands a boy
who grew too fast,
and carried the weight of
his father’s unfound fantasies
upon padded shoulders.
On the blueline
lives his dream
of victory,
and the quest for precious medal
to adorn his frozen
heart.

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Thursday, November 26th, 2009

The Coyotes Sand Storm Sale: Another nail in the Glendale coffin.

Just a quick one today to talk about the Coyotes latest ticket sales stunt. I mentioned in the offseason that, as someone with previous experience in ticket sales and marketing strategies for a hockey team, I would be beside myself if I were in charge of fixing the Coyotes attendance situation. In previous seasons, the Coyotes organization has tried almost everything. In 2003, they built a beautiful new facility hoping that the Jobing.com Arena wow-factor would be the major draw that it should have been. Instead, local “fans” felt inconvenienced by the 15 minute commute along the 101 Loop. Does this relocation justify abandoning your team? The Senators don’t play in Ottawa, instead they face off in the pain-in-the-ass-to-get-to no frills Scotiabank Place in Kanata, Ontario. Perhaps, you’ve never been to Kanata, and therefore, have never seen the bitch mother traffic on the 417. Let’s just say leaving your downtown hotel at 5PM will often make you late for a 7PM puck drop. Yet, the Sens fans are packing the barn night after night.

Sorry, that turned into a little rant unintentionally. I just can’t believe that a facility as nice as Jobing.com Arena is being under appreciated. Mind you, I wouldn’t want to go there now, what with the whorey Swine Flu making a nightly appearance. Anyway, it should be said, before I keep going, that no one thinks Coyotes fans aren’t real fans. The people being targeted are the non-fans; people who can’t be bothered to check out the team in the first place. We all know you exist; unfortunately there aren’t enough of you. (But that’s another very long headache of an argument.) As you will learn, this sale isn’t going to help you in that department.

Anyway, back to previously failed sales attempts. In the 2007-2008 season, the Coyotes decided to go overboard with the giveaways approach – the old, “Let’s try to get people in the doors by giving them shiny collectibles.” That season, the Coyotes hit their peak deficit and found themselves $117M in the red for that year alone. Last season, the Coyotes appeared to try the opposite approach. I was at their fan appreciation night, and let me tell you, they chose to “appreciate” their fans by giving them nothing at all – not a puck, not a towel, nada. They even allegedly had a free booze night! What is left for them to do? How about give away all their tickets?

This week, the Coyotes announced their Sand Storm Sale. Essentially on Black Friday until “Cyber Monday” (whatever that is), hockey starved fans can purchase lower bowl tickets for all remaining home games for only $25! Sounds good, right? Fans will start flocking to Jobing.com Arena, and all will be right with the world, yes? Wrong. No, you’re not crazy; this is the same sales trick the ‘Yotes tried for their home opener this season, except they did that one the right way. They positioned their “Welcome Back White Out Sale” as a way to welcome the fans back, after a very long and trying offseason, by giving them a break on ticket price for the home opener. Of course, it’s not hard to see that they were trying to draw in new blood, and wine ‘n’ dine prospective new season ticket holders. However, FAIL, after the home opener, attendance dropped drastically to average major junior hockey club numbers.

You see, cheapening the product, which is what giving away tickets, or a drastic drop in ticket price will do to both the value of the product and the value of the team and the players, is what, those in the business would call, “a last resort.” Sure, there may be asses in the seats for the remaining home games this season, but at what cost? Here are a few:

• Most current season ticket holders will become enraged by the major discount “non-fans” are receiving. And season seat holders are the most valuable fans to any sports team, and they know that they deserve to appreciated as such.

• The sales team has valued the Coyotes on par with the San Antonio Rampage, and most other AHL teams (some teams charge a lot more than this), by reducing prices this drastically.

• Prospective new customers/fans will regard the value of NHL/Coyotes hockey as $25, and will not be so quick to start paying full pop once the sale is over. Basically, they are targeting the “cheap entertainment” crowd, and NHL hockey is a luxury for everyone. We already saw proof of this after the White Out.

Anyway, although I don’t agree with this sales approach, that’s not to say that I wouldn’t take advantage of it. My lower bowl ticket for the Coyotes game last season was $180, but it also included free food, free booze, and Vince Vaughn. So, I could get seven games in for the price of one with this promotion. Of course, I’m avoiding Arizona like the disgusting diseased pig that resides there, but that’s not to say that you shouldn’t jump all over this tomorrow. Unfortunately, the only people who will benefit from this are the players. I’m sure it will be a lot easier to play in front of a full house.

Should the Coyotes lower their ticket prices? Absolutely. Five hours along the I-10 in Anaheim, I could go and sit, and have sat, in the same seats for exactly half the price, and that’s the same price range for most hockey teams around the league. I’m not really sure what they are doing down there in the Coyotes sales department, but to be fair, they did try to give away free tickets on certain nights that the Coyotes won at home. Unfortunately, they forgot the major part of the equation – the Coyotes had to actually win. So, if you want to plan a golf trip to Pigland, I mean Scottsdale, then check out http://Coyotes.NHL.com for details.

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Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Replay Edition.

I heard about this reality show called, Replay, which brings together the members of former sports teams to play a rematch of the pinnacle games of their careers. It’s a really cool idea for a show! I have often thought about the defining moments in my career as a hockey addict, and I can’t help but wonder what my life might have been like had certain things not happened, or had I not gone to certain games. So, for this week’s edition of Top 10 Tuesday, we look at the games/moments that eventually led to the birth of Psycho Lady Hockey, and my hockey adventures around the world. Whether you are thankful things happened the way they did, or you’re a hater, and wish I had stayed home on these days is up to you. Get ready! You are about to embark upon a lengthy walk down memory lane. Enjoy! Top Photo: My first REAL Coyotes game. Look you can see my shirt! Haha!

10. Team Canada vs. Team Finland (December 31, 2002)

ACK! What I wouldn’t have given to have had actual plans on New Year’s Eve that year. For the first and only time in my life, I was experiencing constant peer-pressure. Let’s not discuss what it was pressure over, but the IIHF World Junior Championship games turned out to be the only rare occasions that my, then, friends would let up on trying to get me hooked on their ideas of who I should become entangled with. Some of them had a crush on the captain of Team Canada. I was so overwhelmed at the time that I didn’t notice him, but my most vivid memory of that time period was of his picture being on TV, and my friends letting up on me for a few brief moments just so they could gush over him. I guess the picture was ingrained on my mind as a type of safe haven, even though I had no idea who this player was (apart from his name), or where he played during the regular season. For years, I never actively thought of him again, but, like I said, his image would be the first memory that would come to me the moment I thought of this traumatic experience. I never knew or cared about what became of this guy, but sure enough, our paths would cross again and again and again in my hockey history. Anyway, I watched that game twice that night, nervous as Hell, and not absorbing a thing apart from one commentator’s strange remark, “Ruutu hammers Tootoo; two to Ruutu!” Try saying that five times fast! Replay: If I had plans on this NYE, had I been out of town, or far, far away from where I was; things would be different. I wouldn’t have learned the cold hard truth about puck bunnies, and the value of friendships when hockey players are involved. As a result, I never would have written Down the Rabbit Hole, and I likely would not be as involved with studying the culture of the game as I am today.

9. Kitchener Rangers vs. Guelph Storm (March 28, 2002 – Game 4)

The funny thing was the Kitchener Rangers were swept in the first four games of the 2002 OHL Playoffs, but ended up taking the Memorial Cup in 2003. Earlier that season, I was introduced to OHL hockey, and started introducing my friends to it as well. By this final game of the 2001-2002 season, one of my friends decided to meet up with a girl she knew from one of her extra-curricular activities (and I mean that in the non-dirty sense). This girl, and her friends, went to high school with the team, and they were full blown pucks. One girl had a webpage, you remember those homestead accounts people used to have, on which she posted a picture of every player she had relations with and what she did with them. Unlike the rumours people started about my site, this chick actually posted this stuff (and only this stuff) on hers. Anyway, these girls were in the habit of waiting for the players after the games, and they introduced my friends to this ritual. I remember how awkward I felt standing there. I never understood what they were after. They didn’t want autographs. They didn’t want pictures. They just wanted to be seen. I stood there pressed up against the concrete wall, looking down at my running shoes, and praying that the next thing out of someone’s mouth was, “OK! Let’s get out of here.” That offseason, I moved to Toronto to finish high school, and left my former hockey buddies behind to mingle with the likes of the locker room lurkers. On the weekends, when I started coming home again, I was horrified to learn that my friends had grown closer with the type of girls discussed above, and that they were now in the habit of waiting after every game. I remember fiddling with my keys, trying not to make eye contact, yet somehow some of these guys ended up with my phone number and email address. Replay: Had we decided not to go to this 2002 playoff game, my friends would have likely lost interest in the Rangers after my relocation to Majors territory. But since this didn’t happen, this behaviour eventually led to my very traumatic, and life defining experience during the 2003 WJC tourney the following season.

8. St. Michael’s Majors vs. Kitchener Rangers (February 10, 2002)

Of course, I already knew all about the Ontario Hockey League when I was a kid. I even sang the national anthem with my choir at one of the games back in grade school. However, it was my uncle who took me to my first REAL junior hockey game. I was really obsessed with the Leafs and never missed a game. This was before the horrid LeafsTV era. My uncle decided to introduce me to the O because he thought I would probably love it just as much. I did love it. I loved sitting so close to the ice and being able to get a sense of the size of the players and the quickness of the game. I never sat closer than the second last row of the upper bowl at the Air Canada Centre or Maple Leaf Gardens. Replay: Sometimes I wonder had the Rangers not been the team visiting St. Michael’s College School Arena, if I would have sought out the team when I was back home in Kitchener with my fellow Catholic school girl friends.

7. Employment with Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment Ltd. (2005-2006 Season)

Leafs fans have been put through a lot like, a repeating history of horribleness, and a total scarcity of game tickets. That being said, they are loyal as Hell. The Leafs were my homeboys. They could do no wrong in my eyes, until the fateful day I accepted employment in an MLSE front office. After my dream job turned into a nightmare, I couldn’t stand the sight of the Leafs or any MLSE team. Thank goodness, the Rock and the Jays are independent of MLSE! Replay: Had I not gotten the job with MLSE, I know things would be different. To this day, I would still be a die-hard Leafs fan, albeit a sad one. I would have likely never began my NHL road adventures, and I’m sure I would have been more than content being a hometown, blue jersey wearing, Labatt drinking hockey fan. I would have never seen the things that I’ve seen, met the people I’ve met, or had the adventures I’ve had. Had I not taken this job, maybe I’d have all the things that a life on the road has prevented me from having. Maybe I’d have a boyfriend. Maybe I’d be married…with kids? Eek. This one really makes me wonder about how normal my life could have been.

6. Grand Rapids Griffins vs. Milwaukee Admirals (January 29, 2005)

The NHL Lock Out was a difficult time for all hockey fans. I decided to seek out the AHL as a substitute for my beloved Leafs. One night, my friend and I discussed wanting to go on a road trip. Neither of us cared where we went, so I nominated an AHL city because, being a Leafs fan, supporting the Hamilton Bulldogs seemed wrong. I nominated the Milwaukee Admirals on the grounds that they were the defending champs. I didn’t know much else about the team at the time, but after my first game at the Bradley Center on January 20th, 2005, I was hooked. We saw two games in Milwaukee, but on the way back to Toronto, fate intervened. Not paying attention to the road, we found ourselves on the I-96 headed toward Grand Rapids. It was at that moment that we realized how close some of the other AHL teams were to Toronto, and decided to see the Ads play there the following weekend. Replay: Had I not been so into the music, and noticed the off ramp in the left lane, I doubt I would have gone to another Milwaukee game every again. This would have stopped the wanderlust, which eventually turned into Psycho Lady Hockey, from developing.

5. Colorado Avalanche vs. Phoenix Coyotes (November 4, 2009)

This was the game that killed my feelings for the Phoenix Coyotes for good. When I visited the Pepsi Center for the first time, I realized that I couldn’t go home again. The Coyotes were all I knew. As much as I was starting to despise them, they were comfortable. After this game, I was very disillusioned about the Arizona Prophecy and fate in general. I guess, in time, I’ll learn about what the point of this Coyotes misadventure was, but for now it’s a mystery. Replay: What would have happened if I didn’t book this doomed vacation? Would I still be a Phoenix fan? Or was it only a matter of time before everything fell apart at the seams?

4. Buffalo Sabres vs. Philadelphia Flyers (February 20, 2007)

After my employment with MLSE, I was at a loss for a team for a couple of months. I had an idea to check out a game in Buffalo, as that was the closest NHL team to Toronto, so it made the most sense for me. They were going to be playing the Philadelphia Flyers on the night in question. I kept asking my friends if they wanted to go, but I was getting denied at every turn. Finally, I had given up on the idea, and just decided to be content with my hockey-less life. One day, the day my scouted Sabres tickets were set to expire on ebay, my, soon to be, hockey partner in crime sought me out. That night we won the tickets, and as it would turn out, they were a couple rows behind the Flyers bench. Instead of becoming a Sabres fan, my friend and I became fast Flyers fans, and scheduled our first trip to Philadelphia for less than two weeks later. Replay: Had my now friend (we had only met twice before that) not contacted me for that game, I never would have become a Flyers fans. I never would have had some of the best, and my most cherished, hockey years of my life with some of the craziest fans in the league. I also wonder if the Arizona Prophecy would have found me if I wasn’t wearing a sparkly black and orange target on my chest.

3. Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Hartford Whalers (1994ish)

My uncle decided I was old enough for my first NHL game at the Gardens. I was too lazy to look up the actual date of this game – sorry. At that time, my game experience was limited to Jays games at the SkyDome. I’d only ever see the one game at Maple Leaf Gardens, but the experience had a lasting effect on me and was, obviously, a defining moment in my hockey history. Replay: Had my uncle decided to take his friend to this game instead, I wonder if hockey would have been the thing I turned to in my teen years to keep me sane and stave off adolescent anxiety. I think it’s likely that I would have never found hockey on my own, if it wasn’t for my uncle’s influence in the sports department. It really makes me wonder what kind of life I could have had if I was completely untouched by the fastest sport on ice.

2. Boston Bruins vs. Philadelphia Flyers (March 3, 2009)

I wasn’t supposed to go to this game in Boston. Early on in the second half of the season, I had limited myself to only going to the Flyers game in Boston on February 7th. However, the trip went amiss, and I decided to give Boston another go. For some reason, Boston had always seemed very significant to me in terms of the Prophecy. Replay: Of course, I was thrust into my unexpected mystical six game road trip the day after this game. I wonder if I hadn’t been in Boston at the time, if I would have bothered to follow the predictions and switch teams to Phoenix as thoughtlessly as I had. I think it is more likely that I would have finished off the season with Philadelphia, and may or may not have reassessed things over the offseason.

1. Boston Bruins vs. Phoenix Coyotes (March 5, 2009)

Seeing that I was still in Boston on March 4th, I felt the call to the Arizona Prophecy after I received word that one of the predictions had fallen into place. I was supposed to be getting on a plane to Buffalo, and heading back home to Toronto. I was at a literal crossroads and I didn’t like the sane option. If Phoenix was the path I was supposed to go on, then I wanted to be able to either confirm or rule the Prophecy out by my own efforts – see (or not see) with my own eyes. It was the most romantic thing I ever did, the only strange thing about it was that I didn’t know who the guy was that I was running to. Replay: The safe bet would have been to get on that plane, but instead I ended up running out of Logan International and back downtown Boston. If I hadn’t received that text message, and got on that plane as scheduled, MAYBE I would have gone to the Coyotes game in Buffalo on the 6th, but I think it was likelier that I would have talked myself out of believing the psychics and searching for the possible man of my dreams. Maybe I would have been responsible and gone to class, instead of embarking upon a “money is no object” trip to find my destiny. I don’t know if there is something to the Arizona Prophecy, as far as I know I found nothing in the desert but heartache. Who knows what the point of all of this was, all I can say is that if I was a little more sane and a little less impulsive, I would have been a lot happier for the last nine months of my life. Oh well, at least I have the story to tell.

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Friday, November 20th, 2009

Ducks@Red Wings 24 Style

Finally! After this post I will be all caught up with my previous game entries. Last Saturday, my friend and I decided to embark upon a last minute trip to Detroit to see my potential new-boyfriend team, the Ducks, take on the Red Wings. The Ducks and I aren’t official yet. We’re just seeing each other. I’m not sure if they are the team that I can take home to meet my parents. You see, there are too many “fans” on the Ducks team. I know it’s great for my material, but I can’t help but think that they are going to turn into another obsessive headache like Phoenix became. OK, I don’t normally bring this stuff up, but I have to this time just because. During the game one of the “fans” skated over and licked his lips at me. YES…LICKED!! Really? In front of everyone? I would have loved to see my face when he did this, but something tells me I wasn’t as horrified as I normally would have been on account of winter being around the corner, so you know…

Anyway, we used to do Michigan trips in a 24 style photo album. And by “used to” I mean we did it once. Essentially, we take a picture every hour that we are on the road and let that tell the story of the trip. Of course, we weren’t gone for exactly 24 hours, so you won’t get a full day’s worth, but you’ll get the idea of what we were up to. So before I turn it over to my terrible photography skills, there are a couple strange things I want to mention about the trip.

I woke up in the morning on game day, and I felt a strange connection to the heinous beasts, the Coyotes. Did I miss them? What was happening? This connection carried on throughout the day, and some “Phoenix” signs started to reappear. The biggest sign, which may or may not have stopped my heart for a moment, was the return of that evil Scottsdale sign. You remember back during my mystical six-game road trip last season, I wandered into the restroom at Nassau Coliseum on Long Island, and an ad for immigration to Scottsdale stopped me in my tracks, and caused me to book my trip to Scottsdale/Phoenix/Glendale in April. Well, I have been to several games since then. I have even been to two games at Joe Louis Arena, and I never saw this sign again…until Saturday night. I had been in and out of that washroom several times, and I never noticed any advertisements.

For some reason, as I was walking out of the little girls’ room before the third period, I saw it in the corner of my eye. Again, I stopped in my tracks, but this time I wasn’t awestruck, I was mad. “Oh no!” I thought, “I’m not playing this game.” As much as I would have loved to stick around Phoenix for the sake of the Arizona Prophecy, that path is far too difficult now. It would literally take a miracle or something drastic or dramatic to get me back now. I think the most likely thing is that I am being universally fucked with. Seriously, it’s not funny. I can’t go back to the Coyotes, so stop trying to convince me that I should. From now on I’m going to be highly suspicious or any and all possible “signs.”

Roll the credits then enjoy my 24 style photos…

10 AMish

“Sorry I’m late! I missed the exit for your house and it may or may not have had something to do with Savage Garden being on the radio.” What was more embarrassing was that the song was Truly, Madly, Deeply.

11 AMish

Dear Rockstar Energy Drink people,
I give you far too much publicity on my site. It’s time to sponsor me!
Yours truly,
Unemployed University Grad.
(Taken after I failed at yet another attempt to teach Amanda how to pump gas.)

12 PMish

In a moment the passenger in this car will get out of his seat, turn around, and sign us his phone number with his hands. We texted him. He was from Sudbury. The interesting thing was that this wasn’t the last time this would happen on the way to Detroit.

1 PMish

Pit stop at Timmy Ho’s! This was probably the most Canadianized Tim Horton’s I’ve ever seen. Directly to the right of it was a cow farm, and directly to the left was a hockey rink.

2 PMish

Finally approaching the Ambassador Bridge in Windsor, ON. Our border guard was…interesting. She knew her girl stuff! Hahaha

3 PMish

The strange limo that interrupted our lunch at the Hockeytown Café.

4 PMish

We contemplated ditching the Red Wings and going to this concert instead, but the ticket agent was going to charge us extra to sit in the no spray zone.

5 PMish

Stealing wireless and doing some work in the car before the gates opened. I still feel so satisfied when I come across an unsecured wireless network!

6 PMish

St. Jude decided to come out of my cleve for awhile and pose in front of the ice.

7 PMish

Random Ducks/Wings shot #1

8 PMish


  • The view of the Ducks bench from our seats.

    9 PMish

    The Red Wings celebrating their 4th of 7 goals in their 7-4 victory over Anaheim.

    10 PMish

    Waiting in a massive line to cross back into the homeland. Damn American underage kids going to drink and gamble the weekend away! LOL

    11 PMish

    Amanda falls asleep again. This is actually the fake picture. She discovered I took the picture and deleted it when I wasn’t looking. This is her pretending to sleep.

    12 AMish

    Yesssss! I won a McDonald’s Monopoly muffin! Too bad it expires MONDAY!

    1 AMish

    At one point Lynxie became possessed and started flashing potential weather conditions at me on the dashboard. He’s never done that before. He kept saying, “Ice Possible!” I tried to get a picture of it, but my cam takes too long to go off…piece of trash!

    2 AMish

    Descending upon the Greater Toronto Area….look what came on the radio again….

    3 AMish

    The package has been delivered.

    The end.

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    Thursday, November 19th, 2009

    Anaheim (Day 5): Game Day #3 Coyotes@Bronze Adoni – My belt is the one that says, “Bad Mother Fucker.”

    The dreaded Coyotes game finally arrived Saturday. I was up early that morning so I could be ready to meet up with the KingsCast boys in Los Angeles at noon. I was late. This was the first instance that I have experienced a GPS system taking me to the wrong destination even after I specifically crunched in the address. Kind of annoying, especially when you consider that I actually vaguely knew how to get to Staples Center, but decided to use the GPS so I wouldn’t get lost. Oh, did I mention that I was driving a MINI VAN! Yeah, when I got to LAX on the Wednesday, my car wasn’t there, so I was stuck with the hockey mom mobile. At least it was black, and I did make some sweet risky moves with it. I figured everyone would assume I had kids in the car, and would back off and let me be an asshole. My most overused phrase of the trip was, “There are kids in the car, bitch, yeah, that’s right!”

    I had a blast with the guys from KingsCast despite looking like ass for that episode of Overtime. It was revealed later that my Team Canada shirt was the problem. You aren’t supposed to wear red on camera because it negatively distorts your appearance! Oh well, now I know better. Anyway, those guys are hilarious! If you don’t watch the KingsCast webcast, you should. I’m always dying of laughter whenever I tune in!

    After we wrapped up in LA, I headed straight to IN-N-OUT for round two, then met up with Lauren to go for a cruise down PCH (Pacific Coast Highway). There was really not enough time to go to the beach before the dreaded main event at the Honda Center that night. I got to The Pond at 6PM, but not before stopping at IN-N-OUT a third time to get a Neapolitan shake – secret menu HAZZAH! I opted to avoid the Coyotes and take in the warm up on the Ducks end. My seats were behind the Ducks bench, but Honda Center is one of those rare arenas that don’t have gaps between the benches, so I was practically behind the Coyotes bench as well.

    That game was something special. The source of my TV material was out in full force with his obsessive behaviour. I really hope the appropriate people were watching this game of his, because I know that people all the way up in the 400s were greatly entertained by it for the entirety of the game. Trying to fit those last longing gazes in, eh? Or maybe he misinterpreted my death stare as unbridled desire – FAIL! Do all guys act without thinking? I’d really love to know. I had some great lines, too. “Put your eyes on me again, and I will come after you in the night, and not in the way that you’d like me to!” Anyway, I really enjoyed cheering the Ducks on during this game. Kind of funny how the most entertaining Coyotes game I’ve ever seen was a game that I was cheering against them!

    I like the Ducks. There are many “sources of material” on that team. Not to mention that a few of my old crushes are on that team now. Steve Eminger was one of my Kitchener Rangers crushes back in high school, and Sheldon Brookbank was a Milwaukee Admirals crush. It’s funny how my taste in men has changed with age! Mind you, as I mentioned in Day 3, I do appreciate the golden tans that all the Ducks seem to have. Typically, I don’t like tans on men in general, but the Ducks have “the perfect tan” if you will. Not like the smelly Coyotes with their sunburns and leathery faces. At most games I want to fling a bottle of aloe vera based moisturizer at them. Can someone please get them some sunscreen! Actually, don’t. Let them all get skin cancer (and die?). Well, not ALL of them, and especially not you, Taylor Pyatt! I want to see SPF-75 on you at all times.

    Anyway, enough Coyotes ranting. I made sure I was wearing my BMF belt so everyone knew I meant business at that game. Seriously, you don’t mess with this belt! It’s studded! I was sitting next to Chris for the game; she’s a great hockey buddy! I love the fans in the southern markets. Maybe there isn’t A LOT of them, but they remind me of junior/amateur fans. They really get behind their players in semi-parental roles. I love it! There is a lot of name screaming going on!

    The Ducks won 4-3 – a satisfying victory for me. After the game, Lauren and I went out for some intense mac ‘n’ cheese! There was chicken and bacon in it, and you know how I feel about bacon and cheese! Later that night, I retired back to my quarters to pack up my stuff. I was heading back to LAX at 4AM to catch my flight back to the motherland. This time around, I cannot express how happy I was for this trip to finally be over. I felt so relieved to be back, that, if the Toronto streets weren’t so dirty and urine soaked, I may have actually knelt down and kissed them.

    Roll the credits…


    (hahaha!)

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    Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

    Anaheim (Day 4): My desperately needed off day at Disneyland.

    I met a guy at the Denver airport who claimed that Denver was ranked the #1 most stressed out city in America. Maybe it was the altitude, but I was definitely feeling stressed the whole time I was there. I wasn’t in a conscious state of being stressed out, and by that I mean there was nothing to really trigger the stress in the first place. I always felt like I was running late for everything. I was more sluggish than usual, and found myself having to haul ass to get to my various destinations on time. From the moment I got to Colorado, I couldn’t wait to board my next flight and finally get settled in Orange County.

    Of course, a large part of the reason I was eagerly anticipating my Anaheim leg of the road trip was because my friend, George, hooked me up with a free pass to Disneyland and California Adventure. For the first time in a long time, I was excited about something that wasn’t hockey related. I had never been to Disneyland! Growing up in the East, I was a DisneyWorld kid! Not to mention the fact that I haven’t been to Disney since 1999, which means I haven’t seen all the cool stuff they’ve changed in some of the classic rides. They updated the Pirates of the Caribbean ride to include the movie characters, and they completely gut the Haunted Mansion in the fall and transform it into The Nightmare Before Christmas – eeeeee! Oh, the things you miss when you “grow up.”

    Anyway, my off day started with my first trip to IN-N-OUT Burger. I actually was not in the mood to stray into the realm of the secret menu on this outing, so I stuck to my usual two burgers and a chocolate shake. YUM! I was supposed to be going to Disneyland with Lauren, but she didn’t get off work until 5PM, so after I was signed into the park around 12PM, I decided to wander around for a bit before heading back to my hotel. I was mildly concerned that I would come across as some sort of pedophile or child abductor if I was hanging around Disneyland all by lonesome, but apparently, “people do it all the time.”

    I finally talked myself into going on a ride by myself. I go to hockey games by myself all the time, but something just seems weird about going to an amusement park alone. Anyway, I figured the Haunted Mansion was a good ride to choose because the cars are pretty private to begin with. At the top of the line, I met another lonely rider. Was it destiny? It was her birthday, so she came to the park to take advantage of the free admission. She was a local, so she knew all the ins and outs of the park, and taught me how to use to Fast Pass thingie.

    We hung out at California Adventure mostly. I nearly died of laughter on the Tower of Terror. At the first drop, my instinct was to grab onto the random guy sitting next to me, which then caused my purse to go flying five feet in the air. Sorry, to the guy I kept grabbing at in the dark. I couldn’t help it! There was no lap bar! Another awesome feature about the California Adventure park was that they actually served alcohol. I didn’t really think too much of this until my path crossed with a margarita stand. Birthday margs all around!

    After a brief pit stop back at my hotel (I figured I was going to need a sweater since the park is open until midnight), Lauren and I were back in the gates around 6 PM. I was really excited about ingesting large amounts of amusement park food, and the feeding frenzy began at a corn dog stand. I was very conscious of having to say, “corn dog,” but in a hazy bliss of corn doggie delight, I let my guard down and the P word slipped out of my mouth. Everyone around me was suddenly quite alarmed by my use of this Canadianism. Yes, all you Yanks out there, in Canada we call them, “Pogos!” I know, it’s an ugly word.

    Anyway, it was a great night at the park. I don’t think we stood in line for anything longer than twenty minutes. I also put my newfound knowledge of the Fast Pass thing to good use. Disneyland made me feel like a kid again, but even as I was literally twirling around in the line for Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, I couldn’t help but stress about the Ducks game the next day. The Coyotes were in town, and ever since that game at the Pepsi Center, I was dreading it. The clock was winding down, and the eve of the game was finally upon me. Of course, the details of that game shall be revealed in my Day 5 post.

    Roll the credits…

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    Monday, November 16th, 2009

    Anaheim (Day 3): Game Day #2 Preds@Bronze Adoni – A prophetic twist.

    Warning: Another LONG and crazy entry ahead!

    Is Adoni a word? My spellchecker and my brain say it isn’t. I was trying to invent a plural form for Adonis, you know, the Greek guy. The point is the Anaheim Ducks have this delightful glow about them, and they reminded me of a group of Bronze Adoniseseseseses. I have been referring to them as such since my first game back at the Honda Center this season. But let’s not talk about the game. There are far more interesting things to discuss like the death of the Coyotes, and what is to become of me, my love, and the Arizona Prophecy.

    I have to admit that I was beside myself over ditching the Coyotes if not for any other reason but the Arizona Prophecy. I had obviously invested a great deal in this gamble of faith. I dropped everything and went chasing a speedy white rabbit down various bunny holes across the league. If I was so sure about the prophecy enough to put my life on hold the way that I did last March, and nearly screwed myself over in most facets of my life in the process, then how could I just turn away now? It was kind of like that really bad movie that you just can’t walk out on because a small part of you is hoping that there will be a surprise twist at the end, and the film will somehow be worth that $9.95 you paid for the ticket. However, then the screen goes black and you’re left with nothing more than a hole in your pocket where your ten bucks and your dignity used to be.

    When I decided to believe the school of psychics and my own intuition and go off on a quest in search of this mystery man, I had to leave the realm of the logical, the plausible, and the realistic behind. I’ve been living in a kind of fantasy world where meaning was drawn from every seemingly mundane dream or happening. While some things seemed clearer than others, I really started to go crazy (particularly this season) with having to sift between the “Divine” and the unimportant. I always tried to keep an open mind. If the prophecy was right, then it may manifest in some strange unforeseeable way. Perhaps the point of all this was not to find my “true love” after all. Perhaps it had to do with this website, the TV show, a job – who knows?

    I know this can be both hard to read and believe, especially for those who do not have experience with this type of thing, but I always thought it was an interesting story, especially when you consider that as a hockey addict, my supposed “destiny” would be linked to the game I love. Of course, you skeptics may be right, and maybe this is leading me to nothing more than a very stressful adventure, but I guess we’ll see one way or another. Anyway, that’s why I opted to write about it in the first place because it IS connected to my hockey adventures, at least, right now.

    There were various reasons for why I started to grow apart from Phoenix, and so, I decided to try and find a new team, and I came up with the Show Me A Sign campaign in hopes that fans across the league could show me where to go next. Within a couple days, there were whispers coming from Southern California that the Ducks fans wanted to get in on the campaign with a sign of their own. When I heard this everything clicked, and I remembered part of the prophecy that I had forgotten months ago. For over a year, psychic after psychic was telling me about the Arizona boy, but then, just a matter of days before the trade deadline, something change. Now there were two guys, and I had the choice between the two of them. On the one hand, there was the Arizona guy, but on the other hand was a guy linked to SoCal. I had never been to Arizona OR California, so this was strange to me. Anyway, when the switch to Phoenix finally happened, I decided to make a very last minute trip to Anaheim (I booked the flight like twelve hours before takeoff) just in case there was another guy there.

    I had determined that the other team was Anaheim because the psychics had mentioned birds and I interpreted that as “ducks,” but, at this point, I’m more than willing to give the Kings a shot as well. Anyway, on that trip last season, strange things kept happening. My flight on Expedia wouldn’t book. Not even the travel agents could get it to work. The problem was being reported as my flight out of Buffalo, so we kept changing the departure (eight or nine times), hoping one of them would book, but to no avail. Finally, the travel agent gave up and told me that I could keep trying on my own, but she was doubtful that it would work. I decided to give it one last try, and of course it didn’t work, but this time something popped up on the screen. “Are your dates flexible? Fly back a day later.” I didn’t think this would matter considering that it was my departure that was the problem, but I decided to give it one last shot, and, of course, it booked. At the time I remember thinking that this was very meaningful. It was almost like I was meant to stay in Cali longer than I wanted to. Normally, on my hockey adventures, I want to get the fuck out of town as soon as the game is over, but in Cali I really enjoyed just hanging out. While my plane was hovering over LAX, this time around, I looked out the window, and I felt like I had finally returned home. Weird.

    My flight wasn’t the only strange thing that wouldn’t book last season. I had problems with my hotel and game tickets too. The tickets in my usual sections would vanish before I could buy them. Once again, agents on Ticketmaster, StubHub, and TicketExchange could do nothing to help me. Finally, I was forced to settle for tickets in a crappy section. The weird thing was the SECOND I purchased the tickets, the ones I had previously scouted MAGICALLY reappeared. Again, was I meant to sit in those seats? As a result of me sitting there, the Coyotes ended up driving their first of many very large nails into their coffin of my hate. It was by far the worst game of my life, and I was forced to cope with it by making a horrible life choice after the game…four times…accidentally.

    I was feeling the Ducks/Coyotes stress even last season. I was so confused; I didn’t know what to do with myself. While going through my mail one day, I came across a bumpy letter from some food company. When I opened it there were two Stanley Cup pins inside. I was kind of horrified. I couldn’t help but feel a little paranoid that some company I had never heard of knew the way to my heart. I casually brought this up to one of the psychics I know, and she revealed that she had the pins sent because there was a voucher for it in her box of popcorn, and it made her think of me. She told me she thought I would get some “sign” when the pins showed up, and immediately asked me if Phoenix was the one that I got. “Umm NO Phoenix has never made it passed the first round in the playoffs. They’ve never won a cup!” was my response. The teams I did get – Colorado and Anaheim.

    Like I mentioned in Day 2, my trip to Avs country was planned in August. My original plan was to head to Phoenix after the game, but the fear of contracting the SWINE FLU was too great, so I decided to trash that idea like the trash that resides there. When I heard about the Ducks fans and their awesome game sign, I thought it would be in my best interest to return to Honda Center since I was already going to be in that “general” vicinity for the Coyotes game at Pepsi Center. The fact that the total additional cost for travel was only $5 sealed the deal. Of course, when I looked at the Ducks schedule, who should be playing in town but the Preds and the Coyotes! The Preds are another semi-ex boyfriend team, and I’m not going to lie, I did cast the odd glare down the ice from time to time. Luckily, I stayed safely nestled and well hidden next to the Ducks bench.

    Of course, seeing that Phoenix was one of the teams in town during my visit to Cali, I figured that may be a sign that I wasn’t actually supposed to switch teams. However, the game in Colorado quickly soured any remaining feelings I had for the team. It would take a lot for the Coyotes to get me back, and the graveling would probably have to begin with a written apology addressed to my appropriate station as Ice Goddess. Anyway, I will have more to say about this; particularly, when I talk about the Ducks game in Detroit. I know, I know! I’m so behind on the road blogs right now. It feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day for all the crap I need to do. As it is I haven’t slept more than three hours in the last three days! And on that note *yawn,* I’m going to hit the sheets.

    Roll the credits…

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    Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

    Colorado (Day 2): Game Day #1 Road Kill@Avs – The secret of my little black book.

    Dear Baby,
    Welcome to Dumpsville!
    Population:
    You.

    So, before I get into my venomous rant about the Coyotes, my now OFFICIAL ex-boyfriend team, I figure you might be curious about some of the strange things that happened during my second visit at the Stanley Hotel. The drive back to Estes Park was more enjoyable this time around because I FINALLY discovered a decent radio station. The DJs sold me on it when they made a South Park reference after playing The Cure’s Love Song. At least the music was good. I’m pretty sure there was air in the brake line of my rental car. Fabulous.

    I was warned not to “freak out” my guide the night before, so I kept my mouth shut until the end of the tour. A few strange things happened. For example, we were on what was known to be a children’s floor, and we were told to hold out our hands while we sang a children’s song. The guide said that the children were known to be attracted to individuals who work with children or have children around them, and sometimes touch them when he performs this experiment. Well no one spoke up about anything happening to them afterwards, so I decided not to say anything as well. There were a lot of skeptics in the room anyway. But, sure enough, while we were singing, something grabbed onto my thumb so tight that it actually started to hurt. For the record, I do have a history working with children. I spent some time in university as my cousins’ nanny.

    The story I’m sure that you’re all waiting to hear is the story about the painting that kept trying to grab my attention the first night. On that first night, there was another encounter that didn’t seem so exciting at the time so I didn’t bother to mention it on the blog. While we were standing on the landing of a double staircase, I kept getting drawn to one specific side. I mentioned this to the guy who was showing me around, and I have to commend him for keeping his mouth shut after I made this apparently quite massive revelation. All he responded with was, “If you ask me, I’m sure there is something going on here.”

    This time around I learned the story of the painting. The man in the painting was Lord Dunraven, a notorious womanizer and scumbag extraordinaire. He had a thing for kleptomania, and also ran a brothel in town. He was apparently always on the lookout for new talent. When the guide took us to the landing he warned the group about going up one side of the double staircase. Yes, the same side of the stairs that I was drawn to the night before. Apparently, people have reported being kicked in the leg while going up the stairs, while others have seen the guilty apparition with their own eyes. And who do you think that guilty party was? None other than Lord Dunraven. After the tour, my new guide and I theorized that Lord Dunraven must have had a bit of a thing for me (or thought I’d be a good “employee”), so he decided to follow me around the night before. Freaky, no?

    Now back to the Pepsi Center. I had planned my trip to see the Coyotes play in Denver in August, which is my own fault for disregarding my own personal limitations that I laid out over the summer. I planned to take this season game by game with the Coyotes. I figured they were only going to get more annoying as the 09-10 season dragged on, so I wanted to have the freedom to turn away at any given time. Of course, when the schedule was released, I was so excited that I started planning out a bunch of games, and locked myself in for more mindless bullshit than I could handle.

    You see, the reason I hate the Coyotes is because they’re a bunch of little bitches. They remind me of that scrawny little asshole on the playground at school that would rather go run and tell the teacher on recess duty that the big kids didn’t want to play with him, than try to speak up and make a case for himself. That’s the Coyotes. They cause unwarranted drama wherever they go because they don’t like not getting what they want. They lose the girl, they cry, they have to lie and spin it around so it looks like the girl lost them. A bunch of talentless, gutless children.

    Wow…they’re winning now. Does anyone care? The Coyotes kill the atmosphere in every rink they go to including their own. We all know that Phoenix fans are few and far between, turning up at Jobing.com Arena in numbers rivaling that of an AVERAGE Ontario Hockey League match up, but when rabid hockey fans in places like Boston, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, and everywhere else can’t be bothered to support their team on nights that the desert dogs come to town, then that should be something that actually merits a “flag” from the NHL. All I can say is that I’ve never been happier that Jim Balsillie lost the Coyotes as much as I am right now. I might have actually died of boredom if the team was nestled 35 minutes from my house.

    Where does my little black book fit in? Well, a year and a half ago I met a producer who was interested in working with me on a show loosely based on Down the Rabbit Hole. The show was put on the back burner because he had his hands full with a current show that has now been signed on to multiple seasons. The show was basically going to be written by me, so he told me to conduct some form of research while I went on my hockey adventures. Enter the little black book.

    Like any good writer, I began with character development. I had written up the blueprints for six prominent female characters, and five prominent males. Of course, I needed inspiration for some of these characters, and there was only one hockey player that came to mind as the leading man in my television universe. For five years, my friends and I have been greatly entertained by the obsessive behavior of one specific mediocre NHL player. I’m not trying to “flatter” myself, but hockey players are easily distracted. All you have to do is exist and they peacock around you like their salaries depend on it.

    Anyway, this particular player was far worse than the others. He has been doing some of the craziest, unprofessional, on-ice stunts that I have ever seen. Anyone who came to a game with me was so entertained by him that by the time the buzzer sounded to end the third, they were already browsing Ticketmaster to see when they could go to a game with me again. While the constant gazing, stick tapping, business time eyebrow raising, etc had its amusing moments, it was also quite infuriating. For starters, I could never understand why the guy bothered to try so hard in the first place…and for five years. What was the motive? Did he think that if he skated over to me before a face off, that I’d jump the glass and rip his clothes off? What was the point of making sure I acknowledged his goal? Yes, unlike you, I’m actually watching the game. I can see that you scored. Maybe he thought that warranted some type of physical reward. I could go on and on with better and more outrageous examples, but the most irritating thing of all was having to waste large portions of every game trying to convince spectators sitting around me that this guy was not married to me. This hockey player was cock blocking me from the ice!

    Since the start of the 08-09 season until now, I was carefully jotting down amusing fan and player behavior, but with the greatest focus going to the mating strategies of the aforementioned player. Yes, I have pages and pages of the most hilarious shit. HA! HAHAHAHAHA! Bet you didn’t realize that’s what I was writing down all this time. Not to mention the years of vivid memories prior to the last fourteen months of hockey.

    So, what’s the point of this big secret? Well, a few months ago my producer friend was reading my blog, and said it was in good shape to make adapting a TV series quite simple. So, I’m going to make it even easier, and I have decided to go forward and write out my vision for season one and test drive it on Psycho Lady Hockey. Don’t expect it anytime soon; probably early 2010 is more realistic, as I will have to write out every episode first. That way, if we do go forward with the TV show it will be based solely on the blog! Anyway, since Psycho Lady Hockey will be moving in this direction, I have decided to introduce a new feature to all my road entries. I have this natural habit of associating music with my stories. I did this a little bit in the 2008-2009 Yearbook, so I’m going to do that again and “roll the credits” at the end of every entry. This means that this would be the song that ran while the credits played out if every post was an individual episode. So, for the first time ever…

    Roll the credits…

    (I’m aware the song cuts out, it was the best I could do! You get the point.)

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