Tag: paulina gretzky

Wednesday, January 9th, 2013

Everything wrong with hockey this week…

Toronto, ON It’s hard to believe that this could have been a bad/irritating week for hockey with the NHL Lockout ending just a few short days ago, and opening night just around the corner. Who could possibly say this was an off week? I could. So, as the eternal pessimist, who doesn’t even see the return of Don Cherry’s suits as something to smile about, please tolerate a few of my shorter rants about all the things that have irritated me in the world of hockey over the past few days. Enjoy!

The big W-T-F surrounding the Leafs decision to fire Brian Burke?!?!

OK… It’s not that I don’t understand that the era of Burke wasn’t exactly a successful one, but I for one never entirely blamed him for the Leafs extended period of suck. I mean, it seemed to me that he didn’t have much to work with or bargain away. Can we really blame him for the Leafs missing the playoffs every year that he was in charge?

That being said, rumours surrounding the decision to fire Burke include his hesitation to make a move to sign Luongo for top dollar in the days leading up to the new season. I’m not sure if that’s true, but if I ever had a criticism over anything Burke did as the GM of the Leafs, it would be his occasional style of negotiating, which seemed to involve convincing players to sign for less money to enjoy the perks of playing in Toronto. Maybe that works some of the time, but in most cases I would say a lot of players would want to be paid more for having to put up with the Toronto media scrutiny. Plus, the current young vets in the NHL are of the instant gratification generation, who think they deserve 30 goal money, for a career high of 15.

Was Burke’s stinginess with the cash (minus Kessel, of course) the key to his undoing? Maybe. One thing’s for sure, this is a bold move by the Maple Leafs so close to the start of the season. Something seems suspicious about the whole thing, but I’m sure that will reveal itself in time.

P.S. By the sounds of things in the Nonis presser, I think Luongo is definitely Toronto bound??? Is that possible? Hmmm….

The NHL Lockout doesn’t end so much as it fizzles out…

If you were like me then you were awake and glued to your phone waiting out the last few hours of the Lockout. It was hard not to stay up late over the past few months, as the reporters covering the talks in NYC really don’t appear to handle their caffeine well. Their tweets quickly turned from informative to laugh out loud amusing as soon as the clock struck midnight, which I suppose was one of the positive highlights of the senseless Lockout of 2012.

However, the way the Lockout ended was almost as blood boiling as the way it began. What that final night of negotiations meant to me was that the NHL/PA were a mere all-nighter away from getting a deal done. Why weren’t they locking themselves up in the summer?! The other thing that really enrages my beast is that no one got screwed in the Lockout and the new CBA seems to be only moderately different from the old. Call me old fashioned, but if we are missing hockey over negotiations then someone better be getting raped any and every possible way. Sadly, nobody was… Except the fans.

Paulina Gretzky lands TV show in Canada.

There is nothing worse than spoiled little rich kids getting TV shows because Mommy and Daddy threw money at a greedy network executive. The Hiltons, Kardashians, and etc are all loathsome individuals. That being said, when those spoiled brats happen to be hockey children, then that disrupts the delicate balance in my personal sphere. Sadly, not only did this ditzy, spread eagled, camera whore of a Gretzky get her own TV show, it is unfortunately also in my country. Oh God… Get me on the next plane out of here!

By the way, they interviewed her on TV the other day. What a @#$%ing moron! Of course, it was too much to hope she’d actually be intelligent and interesting. Hooray for nepotism!

The Marlies front office still can’t do anything right!

On a more personal note, this rant relates to my game experience at Ricoh Coliseum on Saturday. You see, I’ve been feeling really run down the past few weeks, and it was really hard to get out of bed on Saturday morning. Alas, I had free tickets for the Marlies game after bringing in two teddy bears for their annual Teddy Bear Toss before Christmas, and I can’t disrespect free tickets by not going to the game.

Yeah, giving out free tickets sure was nice of them. They definitely didnt have to do that. However, on the day of their tilt with the Rockford Ice Hogs, the Marlies had an unexpected sellout, and gave away the tickets that should have been designated to the Teddy Bear Toss people. We were all banished to the standing room located on top of the upper bowl all because the Marlies didn’t stop to consider that perhaps the last home game before a three week road trip would be a major seller. This isn’t the first fuck up in the 7 year history of the Marlies sales team (think pricing disaster of ’06), and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Nevertheless… I rolled out of bed that morning, absolutely exhausted and achey, with no place to sit, and dicks standing in clusters all around me. Yeah, I would have definitely stayed in bed if I had known.

Cosmo attempts to dabble in hockey, fails.

Once again Cosmopolitan magazine proves they know absolutely nothing about hockey or the attractiveness of hockey players, as they released another horrible Top 30 list of the hottest NHL players. Henrik Lundqvist didn’t even make the cut! Don’t worry, our resident puck bunny, Psycho Bambi, has rectified the injustice with a Top 30 list of her own. Click here to check it out!

Top Photo: Korea. Got a parcel in the mail with the Toronto Star’s sports section. Brian Burke’s Draft Day face 2010.

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Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

We Need to Talk About Paulina Gretzky

Somewhere on the Eastern shore of Japan You know it must be the offseason in Canada when sports media turns its attention away from the American NHL clubs that are still in Stanley Cup contention, and start focusing on the non-news surrounding the game. This week their focus seems to be, once again, on the over-privileged and tanorexic looking Paulina Gretzky.

If her father wasn’t the greatest hockey player to ever live, you’d probably take very little notice of Paulina. She’s a carbon copy of all the other fake tanned, eating disordered, big sunglasses wearing, bratty, stick insects that are running around L.A. these days. You know, the people that make a living off of being grossly underweight? Oh wait, what am I talking about? Of course you don’t know! You’ve been brainwashed into believing anorexics are actually what passes as “healthy” and signifies a “girl that takes care of herself,” and who wouldn’t want that, right? *Vomits (in a non-bulimic way)*

Don’t get me started on that… I have issues with it. A girl I knew in high school lost nearly 100 lbs from literally NOT EATING A THING. All her hair fell out, and she even attempted suicide. Eventually, over years, she became obsessed with her body, and took it perhaps too far, and started down the “body building” path (food slowly and moderately being reintroduced into her diet). Years later I saw her in an ad for diet pills. There was the picture of her at 215 lbs (at age 14, though the ad claimed it was from a year ago) and the picture of her at 125 lbs, and a whole little heartfelt story about how the pills changed her life, as she was the fat kid in our school that had skinny popular girls (bulimic as they later confessed) running around in our Catholic school girl uniforms, and this made her soooo sad. Then after just 6 months of taking these magical pills, she was down to 125 lbs without lifting a finger! LIES! Umm, NO, idiot, you starved yourself, and nearly died. I have never felt such moral outrage in my entire life. She became some self-obsessed bimbo that wanted to cash in on the misery of women who are just like she was at her heaviest, by giving them false hope that they, too, can lose 90 lbs if they just keep popping these magical and super expensive pills. I don’t TOTALLY blame her, of course. I blame society, and all the men of questionable heterosexuality that give life to today’s standard of fat free and curve-less, mannish beauty.

But back to Paulina. Miss Gretzky has found herself in hot water with Daddy Gretzky again over posting “racy” photos of herself on the internet (Instagram) even after Papa specifically told her not to, and banned her from using Twitter. I don’t know about you, but if I was to care enough to analyze this for more than half a second, I might think there were some issues at home. So, let’s do that shall we?

I recently watched the film We Need to Talk About Kevin, and I am now reading the book. The story is a mother’s account of how she is dealing with the consequences after her son facilitated a Columbine-esque high school mass murder. The mother essentially believed that her son, Kevin, was evil from birth, and questions if her inability to love him was the underlying reason he grew to be a killer. So let’s look at Paulina in a similar light. Daddy asked you once to tone down your ridiculousness, and keep the Gretzky brand as pristine as the old time NHL image USED to be in the days before NHL clubs overpaid hockey players who are more interested in shopping, meeting celebrities, and screwing the aforementioned tanorexic models, than actually improving their on ice presence. So, if Daddy said no, you have to wonder why Paulina suddenly slapped him in the face with more outrageous public images of her bikini clad stick bug frame. What’s that? Daddy said, “No” to you? Daddy wouldn’t buy you a new Lamborghini because you’ve barely touched the Lamborghini he bought you last year? “But DADDDDDY I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaant it!” Poor thing. It must be hard being Paulina. She sure got him back though, didn’t she? Expect a Paulina Gretzky sex tape sometime in the immediate future, likely after Wayne refuses to buy her the island rumoured to be overrun with unicorns.

Of course, I can’t close this post without commenting on Wayne’s stand on all of this. Should he be such a hard ass about his daughter posting bikini shots online? Maybe not. But clearly it’s unsettling to him and his precious reputation. What did he think was going to happen? His WIFE was in Playboy for God’s sake! Did he really think her offspring was going to be a nun? Let that be a lesson to all you hockey players out there. Marry the skanky “model” with the nude pics and the sex tape, but be prepared for how your potential daughters turn out, because let’s face it, most of you are FAR from saintly.

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