I was warned that the Jack Gatecliff Arena was really run down (it’s the oldest arena in the league), so I was pleasantly surprised to discover that it wasn’t nearly as bad as they were making it out to be. I’ve definitely seen worse in my day! I got there an hour before the gates opened, so I got a special VIP tour of the facility and all the young men doing their pregame workouts, etc. It’s funny how, “They’re only 17!” can change to, “Well…they COULD be 19!” with but a few sweaty laps around the track.

Before the game started, I had scouted out the usual locations the puck bunnies were said to frequent at this arena. But they didn’t show up. Not even the girlfriends seemed to be in attendance that night. Was the fact that it was a school night a factor in this absence? Have I just lost touch with what modern day, authentic puck bunnies actually look like? Or is there another reason for the scarcity of puck bunnies at the three OHL rinks I have visited this season? These are the questions and topics I will be addressing as Puck Bunny Month continues. I want answers!

There was actually one question that I posed in an earlier post about the effect the lack of puck bunnies would have on this new wave of junior hockey players. Junior hockey clubs like to celebrate scholastic excellence in their players. Last night, they honoured Freddie Hamilton, one of two Hamilton brothers on the Ice Dogs team for his overall, COMBINED average for his most recent term in high school. The kid’s effing average was ninety-eight percent, putting his brother’s ninety-seven to shame! HOLY FUCK! I think we just discovered one of the MANY byproducts of puck bunny scarcity. Nothing to screw? Let’s do homework instead!

The game itself was full of drama. Exactly twenty seconds into the first period, a hard check into the boards caused a panel of Plexiglas to come loose. Twenty minutes later it was finally fixed. And that wasn’t the only mishap of the game. With 13:06 left in the third, the power completely went out. It was actually pretty amusing to see how quickly people whipped out their cell phones and started waving them around like they were at a rock show. Eventually, the fans hurled their Great Wolf Lodge squishy pucks onto the ice in protest. I was OUTRAGED. Back when I worked for MLSE, we has a few of those squishy stress pucks floating around the office, and we used to fight over them These people clearly did not understand the value of the squish.

The Dogs were only up 2-0 at the time of the outage, so with over thirteen minutes to go, it wasn’t fair to the Gens to call it because ANYTHING can happen in that kind of time. Not to mention the fact that the OHL playoffs begin in a few short weeks, and both teams are battling for a spot. The commissioner said if the lights weren’t back on at 10:30 PM the game was going to be called. At 10:29 PM on the nose, God said, “Let there be light!” And the game was to resume. However, the power had been out for almost an hour at this point, and all but maybe a hundred people had bothered to stick it out.

With the excess removed from the stands, it was easy to see the handful of puck bunnies that had been camouflaged before the blackout. But still, the girls had no game. One group was complaining because the players had been sent back to the locker rooms, and they felt that during this time of uncertainty the players should have either just been skating laps around the rink looking for them pressed up against the glass, or actually walking around on foot (making them easy targets). Another group had baked cookies, but got so excited about the fact that they could sit ANYWHERE now that everyone had left, that they started to cry. Sitting RIGHT beside the bench was too much for them to handle, and they vacated immediately. I just sat their shaking my head, “No game; no game at all!”

This power outage was the best thing that could have happened to a puck bunny. Not only could you sit wherever you wanted when the game resumed, but the players were given another warm up! Two warm ups in ONE game, that’s puck bunny heaven if I ever heard of one. But these young pucks just didn’t know how to properly utilize the situation. Granted the Ice Dogs have only been calling the Niagara region home since 2007, but come on! Am I just the most lethal puck bunny that ever lived? Not in the sense that I am one, but in the sense that after years of studying the most extreme cases, have I managed to put together the most deadly game plan around? And why have I never used it? Perhaps, my next book should be a self-help book for aspiring bunnies.

Maybe you are thinking that I’ve lost my touch. Maybe these girls I identified as puck bunnies, aren’t actually puck bunnies. Shall I now direct your attention back to the top photo. The sign says, “I want a Gen in my underwear.” Wow. I didn’t make that sign. A threesome of pucks were holding it up all game. They had made the trek to St. Kitts from Oshawa, and let me tell you, that’s quite the hike for a bunch of young drivers. When the game ended, they discarded the sign, which gave me the opportunity to steal it, and take a picture with it. No…we didn’t fish it out of the garbage or anything… Oh, the things I’ll do for a laugh.

Roll the credits…

(Alexisonfire another product from St. Catharines, Ontario)

So, to kick off the festivities, I’ve decided to repost the puck bunny quiz as seen in the pages of my book Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies (2004). The quiz was a big hit when it was originally posted in the summer. I think I had something like 200 new followers on Twitter that day! That was a big deal at the time because I had only been on the Twitter train for a few weeks at that point! Anyway, I hope the new wave of Psycho Lady readers will enjoy it just as much! Get excited, it’s almost Puck Bunny Month!!

1. How many hockey games do you attend per season?
[a] Less than ten games per season.
[b] One game a week. Usually every Friday home game.
[c] All the home games, and the odd road game.

2. You and your friends notice a new player on your favourite team. You say,
[a] “Was #28 on the team before?”
[b] “#28 was just traded here a couple days ago. He’s 6’2,” 205lbs, and a Scorpio.”
[c] “Wow, #28 is cute! I bet his dick is huge!”

3. Your hockey shrine consists of:
[a] A mint condition game day program.
[b] A game day program complete with team signatures, tickets from every game you have ever attended, a team flag, both home and road jerseys (also complete with signatures), homemade pompoms, newspaper clippings, a few tapes of games recorded off TV, and a framed picture of you and that hottie #8.
[c] A disc that contains naked images of you and three members of your hometown team, condom wrappers labeled with the names and numbers of the players who used them, and the pair of boxers that you stole from #8 after you slept with him…or was it #14?

4. It’s your favourite hometown hero’s birthday. To honour this occasion, you:
[a] Send him an e-greeting.
[b] Get together with your friends and bake him a birthday cake, but eat it yourselves.
[c] Give him a blowjob.

5. It’s game day, and you have front row seats. You need to look extra good. You:
[a] Brush your hair, and keep a lip gloss on hand.
[b] Schedule a day at the beauty salon.
[c] Decide that a transparent t-shirt bearing the words, “Lick Me” is best worn sans bra.

6. The best aspect of hockey is:
[a] The fights.
[b] The hot, sweaty boys roughing each other up.
[c] The well sculpted male specimens who play with big sticks.

7. History class is starting to drag. As usual, you:
[a] Chat to your friend about tonight’s game.
[b] Draw pictures of your hockey boys, and doodle their initials on your binder.
[c] Write a detailed entry in your sex diary about what you and #25 did last night.

8. The team is on the road and the hockey game is not on TV. You:
[a] Will read about it in tomorrow’s paper.
[b] Drive to the arena with your friend, for ambiance, and tune into the game on your local AM radio station.
[c] Could care less. You are at the game.

9. You like hockey players because:
[a] They are extraordinarily talented athletes.
[b] They’re cute.
[c] They have the good and know how to use them.

10. The word you most associate with hockey is:
[a] Power-play.
[b] Bunny.
[c] Naked.

11. When discussing last night’s game, you remark:
[a] “#32 got a game misconduct after he got into a huge fight.”
[b] “#32 looked at me three times during the warm up.”
[c] “I messed around with #32 last night.”

12. How many hockey players do you know personally?
[a] Two
[b] Six
[c] Twenty-nine.

13. If a hockey player were to talk to you, he’d say:
[a] “Nice to meet you.”
[b] “Thanks, you’re a cutie, too.”
[c] “Oh, that feels so good!”

14. Your pregame ritual involves:
[a] Double-checking your purse to make sure you have the tickets.
[b] Eating your favourite player’s favourite food and listening to a CD of the team’s warm up music.
[c] The removal of all “inconvenient” body hair.

15. If your hometown did not have a hockey team, you:
[a] Would get a new hobby.
[b] Don’t want to think about it.
[c] Would be a virgin.

Scoring

Mostly A’s – Puck Bunny in Denial

When people accuse you of being a puck bunny, you usually get defensive. You have a sincere love for hockey and know a great deal about it. You may have had genuine intentions when you started going to local hockey games, but had a hard time ignoring the allure of the hockey players. You are likely to educate your friends on how you are above puck bunnies because you know how to call an offside. You try to get to know a few players on your hometown team, which is okay as long as you do not throw yourself at them. You have most likely slept with a hockey player or two. You think this behaviour does not make you a puck bunny because they are the ones who came on to you. You are hurt when a hockey player uses you. You feel like he has treated you like a puck bunny, and you know that you are not one. Truthfully, you do get carried away with hockey. Sometimes it is just more fun to focus on the players than it is on the game.

Mostly B’s – Puck Bunny and Proud of It

You love being a puck bunny, and try to incorporate your bunnyism into all aspects of your life. You know a good number of players on your hometown team, and live by the things they say to you. You have an innocent approach with the hockey players. You fantasize about being their girlfriend, and all the cuddling privileges that comes with the title. You have never slept with a hockey player, or even fooled around with one. Your obsession for hockey players exceeds that of any other type of puck bunny. You keep everything related to your hometown heroes, from tickets to a piece of gum that you saw one spit out. You stay true to one team, and act as the promotions coordinator a lot of the time. You introduce everyone you know to local hockey. You sport team logos and colours everywhere that you go and in everything that you do, like decorating a birthday cake for your favourite player. In the offseason you work diligently on the fan website that you created.

Mostly C’s – Puck Slut

You may, or may not go to many hockey games, but you are well aware that you are a puck bunny. You feel that your breed is the only true form of the puck bunny, as you believe that girls are not puck bunnies unless they sleep with hockey players. To say that you have had sex with these boys is an understatement. You do whatever a hockey player wants you to, and you are not ashamed that you have been passed around the team. Members of various other hockey teams also know you. You appreciated being able to accurately picture members of both teams naked when they are being physical with each other and fighting on the ice. However, you are not made of stone. You secretly hope to be a player’s girlfriend someday. If a hockey player uses you, it hurts. To deal with this rejection, you sleep with more hockey players; perhaps hoping that the one who wronged you will be jealous. You do love to brag about all your sexual adventures with the hockey gods. You have been around the league and done things characteristic of black market porn.