Tag: gold diggers

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013

If you have to actually spend money on puck bunnies, you’re doing it wrong…

You get what you paid for…

Toronto, ON Saying that the subject of money was brought to the surface during the 2012 NHL Lockout is an understatement. Hockey fans became all too aware of the greediness of both the players and the League over the past few months. Not shockingly, the efforts of a select few players to cry poverty during the Lockout fell on deaf ears. We the public are well aware of the humungous payouts these guys receive for lacing them up for 6+ months of the year. We also know just how common it is that players can blow all their money on being stupid, and, quite frankly, it angers us that we are supposed to pity them for wasting it all on frivolous luxuries.

Of course, the one thing that is more irritating than the message from the media that it is “understandable” why professional athletes blow all of their money, is the message that women are largely to blame for their “poverty.” All women are vilified in sport largely because professional athletes purposely involve themselves with terrible human beings. If you want some advice for hanging onto your cash, guys, maybe you should start thinking twice about only approaching the women with the fake boobs, fake tans, fake lips, fake nails, and etc. Any woman can spend a lot of time and money to look “hot” by trophy wife standards, but most of us have more important things to do, and have a different set of values. (FYI it only takes a spray tan and a wig to make me look like Bambi, and it’s quite disgusting how my “attractiveness” to men is instantly raised by putting on that not-so-crafty disguise). Anyway, this “trophy” percentage of the female population invested a lot of money into their appearance, much like hockey parents likely invested a lot into their child’s hockey development – hey, them titties ain’t free! Naturally, like with any investment, these women are looking for a return on that investment – and professional athletes, with their obscene salaries, are easy pickings!

Before we move on, I feel that we must first look at the definition of a true gold-digger. You see, I’ve always felt that there was a difference between puck bunnies and groupies, and groupies and gold-diggers:

Puck Bunnies: In their truest form, the puck bunny is a woman ONLY interested in hockey players. Now, this interest, I feel, is not usually motivated by money, but rather by status. These women essentially want the bragging rights of getting with hockey players, who are socially raised in Canadian culture. Many of them are not interested in trapping their targeted hockey player for more than a night or two, unless they are young and think that putting out is the key to getting a boyfriend. Since puck bunnies can ONLY be interested in hockey players, it is hard to find true puck bunnies at the professional level. That is, when money becomes a factor and the source of motivation, hockey players will generally find themselves involved with women, who are just as willing to jump NFL bones when called upon.

Groupies: Women who fall into this category are often a cross between puck bunnies and gold-diggers. Many of these women are motivated by the fame associated with getting involved with any sort of prominent individual whether they be athlete, celebrity, politician, or wealthy business man, for example. Essentially, they are name droppers. Now, I’m not saying that some of them aren’t trying to get that money for themselves in the manner of the gold-diggers, but generally those that fail at their money driven endeavours are forced to retain their meager groupie rank.

Gold-Diggers: Gold-diggers are money motivated groupies that succeeded in their mission. The reason they likely succeeded is because they spent a lot of money on personal trainers, plastic surgery, tanning beds, and clothes to look the part. Like they say, “You gotta spend money to make money,” and that’s definitely the situation here. They put in a lot of money to look that way, and now they want a rich man to pay off the creditors. It seems to me that hockey players complain a lot about gold-diggers, and yet only consider gold-diggers to be worthy of their time, attention, and (obviously) money. So, really, why should we pity them for knowingly making bad choices? P.S. They all look exactly the same, so I personally have never understood why they are considered more attractive than anyone else. All hockey players are like sheep I guess – can’t date someone that doesn’t look exactly like the other WAGs on the team. BAAAA!

I don’t want to further vilify women in sport because obviously not ALL women are puck bunnies, groupies, or gold-diggers, but, unfortunately, this post does apply to SOME women. Furthermore, all puck bunnies, groupies, and gold-diggers should be judged on a case by case basis. Just look at me. I’m accused of being a puck bunny and unsuccessful gold-digger by people all the time. I’m not going to deny that I have been involved with hockey players in my lifetime, so if that makes me a puck bunny, then I guess I am one. However, to me, involving myself with a hockey player is not something to be proud of, and if that’s how my stories have come across, then I’m sorry for the miscommunication. I wasn’t bragging, I was complaining.

You see, when I get involved with a hockey player it is usually because I’ve hit a point of physical desperation, and given my involvement with the game, they are usual the guys I have available to me. (To be fair, it’s probably desperation on their end, too). To me, a hockey player is not boyfriend material. A hockey player is a guy who has a likelier probability of being an asshole and treating me badly. Hockey players (and any professional athlete) are likelier to feel entitled when it comes to women they perceive as puck bunnies or gold-diggers, and are a high risk of having the mentality that if you’re using them for their names, then they’re going to use you, too. I will say, though, that as much as I complain about them, I have definitely been lucky in terms of involving myself with generally respectful men. That said, there was one individual that still horrifies me to this day, and makes me question my level of self-respect for sticking around as long as I did (which still wasn’t that long). The guy started off so sweet and nice, but about three weeks into whatever it was we had going on, he started to show a really ugly side that I had only previously read about in puck bunny mythology.

I don’t mean to say that everyone is as innocent in their puck bunny dealings, as I am also well aware that unsavoury individuals, both male and female, are out there to leech off of anyone who has something they want, and professional athletes would definitely be a top target. I mean, I’ve even seen it happen to me all too often. I’m 27 years old and I no longer have a female friend to my name. Since I was 16 years old, an endless parade of puck bunnies have befriended me in hopes of having their own “success” with hockey players. Unfortunately, things never go as planned for them, and I often find myself stunned and totally blindsided when, out of the blue, they angrily cut me out of their lives, and start spreading malicious lies about all the tricks I have up my sleeve when it comes to actually “landing” hockey players. My male friends are far less complicated.

Actually, now that I think about it, my non-puck bunny female friends were no angels either. We’d go out on the town and they’d spend the whole night trying to get free drinks out of men. I knew girls that dated guys for what car they drove, or because they promised to take them on shopping sprees. Perhaps it was my upbringing, but I’ve never grown “damp with excitement” when my dates pick me up in fancy cars. Maybe I’m weird, but I always just think they have skewed priorities or are overcompensating for something, which, quite frankly, does not motivate me to want to take their pants off, if you know what I’m saying. Is that horrible Good Charlotte song true? Do girls only like cars and money, and I’m just insane?

Speaking of my upbringing, which is likely to be the reason why I don’t fit the classic puck bunny/gold-digger mold, my mother (21 years old) and father (23 years old) were married in 1983 while my father was stationed at CFB Winnipeg. For those of you that don’t know, being married to a soldier can be a lot like being married to a professional athlete. Ever heard of base bunnies? Women love a man in uniform, and soldiers are awarded many opportunities to act on their temptations. It’s not fair for me to comment seeing as I don’t know my father, but my mother describes him as someone who only cared about partying and playing football – sound familiar? Two years later, I was born, while my father was serving a posting at the now defunct CFB Lahr in Germany. My mother claims that my birth gave her the strength to finally walk away from the marriage. Six months later she did just that, and I was pretty much the only thing she took away from the marriage. That’s a pretty shitty deal, if you ask me!

Anyway, I don’t want to say that I feel like I had an underprivileged childhood because I don’t. I remember pitying the other kids at school with all their fancy store bought Halloween costumes because clearly their parents didn’t love them enough to take the time to make them one. I was involved in a different organized sport every night of the week, and had an almost-new pair of skates every winter. But I do know that, as oblivious as I was as a child, my mother probably had more than a rough go at making ends meet from time to time. However, people have often asked her why she didn’t go after child support, and her response has never changed, “That would be a very substantial amount of money, and I don’t want to ruin another human being’s life.” She also has very little respect for women who demand alimony payments because, “When people get divorced, they should just sort out their assets and move on.”

Maybe it’s because of my mother that I don’t instinctively think to prey on men, like professional athletes, who have things/money that I don’t have, as a way to take their stuff and make it my own. Maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to get my head around these women, who allegedly try to purposely get pregnant, so that professional athletes are forced to make child support payments. That sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. Sure, you might be getting paid, but you also have to, you know, raise the kid. Quite frankly, the exhaustion of being a single parent terrifies me more than the costs of actually raising a child. Of course, this stuff doesn’t really apply to me as I’m not the marrying kind, and single parenting freaks me out.

I know I’ve gone off on another classic Psycho Lady tangent here, but I suppose the gold-digger stereotype is one that personally offends me given my history and background. Female hockey fans are always put under the microscope, as total strangers and fellow hockey fans seem to be waiting to pounce on any and every puck bunny tendency that we exhibit. Unfortunately, being a “puck bunny” is wrongly linked to being a gold-digger, as people assume that, since players have money, then that’s what we find attractive. All I’m going to say is that a true puck bunny will do it for free, so if a player actually has to put money down, then there is something very wrong with him. It is frustrating that, as the women of the rink, we are not only seen as false fans or puck bunnies, but we are also viewed as despicable leeches. If a female hockey fan was dating a guy who played beer league twice a week, you’d say they had “common interests.” The guy suddenly inks a pro contract, and magically she only likes him for his cash. Hmm…

So, to all the poverty stricken NHL players out there, you really need to start reevaluating your own choices in life. If you don’t want people using you romantically for your money, then stay away from high maintenance women, who will bleed your ass dry, and then quickly move on to the next fountain. I always thought that these guys kind of understood what they were getting into. Isn’t it the assumption that they are essentially paying these women to look good (debatable) on their arms, while they are free to screw anything that moves? Here’s an idea. Try NOT having a girlfriend! Enjoy being single without having to waste money paying people off to keep your indiscretions silent. It’s not rocket science!

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Thursday, February 25th, 2010

The Bartender Factor: Why there’s no such thing as an American puck bunny.

Don’t go getting all huffy on me before you actually READ what I have to say about this. Some of the rabble tends to freak out whenever I discuss anything relating to puck bunnies. They seem to think that my puck bunny related discussions somehow translates to me labeling ALL female hockey fans as puck bunnies…riiiight. Like when I posted the puck bunny quiz, I received a nice freak out from an uneducated anti-fan who decided that my puck bunny quiz was offensive to women because it claimed that all women were puck bunnies. Hmm…this is where those basic literacy skills come into play. You see, the quiz wasn’t titled, “Are You A Real Hockey Fan?” it was titled, “What Type of Puck Bunny Are You?” which typically implies that if you are taking the quiz in the first place, you are either under the impression that you ARE a puck bunny, or you’re just curious and reading it for fun. Isn’t it interesting how pretty much ALL of the jealous she-haters, that seem to think they know more about puck bunnies and hockey culture than the girl (me) who wrote the ONLY book on the subject, are all American?! Read on.

Like I said yesterday, and like many of my American friends have admitted, it is pretty much impossible for an American hockey fan to understand the puck bunny culture and the culture of hockey that we have here in the great white north. It goes beyond giving priority and privilege to young athletes, as I know also happens in the States with baseball, football, and basketball players predominately. In Canada, it’s like hockey is the ONLY sport. Sure, we have young football players, basketball players, etc, but you don’t typically see them get anywhere with the exception of Steve Nash and many, many low income NLL talents. Male hockey players get all the glory; they are seen as the future “heroes” of the country. There was a recent legal battle here over designated ice time at a community rink. The girls hockey team was being jerked around so the boys team could get more use of the rink. That’s pretty heavy stuff.

I was browsing a bookstore a few years back and I opened an autobiography that was laying out on one of the display tables. The very first line of the book was something to the effect of, “As a Canadian boy I knew that I would either grow up to be a hockey player or grow up to be failure.” That’s about right. As I said in my post about the Olympics, the glorification of the “hockey gods” is what really got me into the whole puck bunny culture in the first place. Professional hockey players have always been privileged. Not just in terms of getting pity grades in school, or having the entire country graveling at their feet. They all come from privileged lifestyles and good homes. I’m sure there are probably only a handful, if any, of hockey players who clawed their way up from the gutter to the NHL on hard work and dedication alone. Hockey is an expensive sport. Every winter, since they were five years old, their parents had to put up money for new skates and equipment, not to mention the fees attached to playing at a competitive level. Not everyone can afford to do this stuff for their kids, so I guess what I’m saying is that these guys are likely to have been spoiled their whole lives, not just when they made it big and had the cash to blow on the collagen injections and eyelash implants of their stripper-like girlfriends. Where is the “hero” in all of this?

Now I’m definitely not saying that American women don’t throw themselves at hockey players, of course they do. Some of my hockey buddies were so pumped when they found out they were going to play in the States because they heard American girls were sluttier. Apparently, they “do more.” Whatever that means. Anyway, what I’m saying is that these women are likely not puck bunnies. Much like the anti-fans who can’t seem to grasp the basic ideas I’ve been laying out, many people cannot get past the basic stereotypes surrounding the “puck bunny” as an entity. Generally, people just assume that these are girls who have sex with hockey players just because they have status, money, and fame. Sorry, that’s not quite it. Any individual possessing those things will have groupies, like musicians, celebrities, athletes, politicians, business tycoons, etc. The puck bunny seems to be the ONLY type of groupie in existence that is attracted solely by the game the hockey player plays on the ice without the influence of money or, in many cases, tremendous skill.

When I was researching puck bunnies, I discovered that there were nearly twenty different kinds that all exist on a spectrum with varying degrees of interactions with the players. Very few puck bunnies try to have physical relationships with the hockey players. And I think this is the factor that kind of blows the mind of the average American trying to understand this concept. I had several Americans say to me, “Well, this puck bunny thing just sounds like the way girls are with all athletes.” Like I mentioned above, all athletes will bring groupies and gold-diggers out of the woodwork; money will do that. The puck bunny culture, however, is strongest at the Canadian junior level where the hockey players have local fame only and no money. In Canada, hockey players are to be revered period. Such reverence does not include blow jobs. It is simply the glorification of the player because he plays “our game.” Hell, many puck bunnies are guys!

Like I said, I’m not saying American women cannot display puck bunny like behaviour, but likely this behaviour comes from the influence of the Bartender Factor and not puck bunny culture. The Bartender Factor is what I used to describe the competitive female drive in socialized dating scenes. I don’t want to make sweeping generalizations that ALL women do this, but come on, you know you’ve seen your friends do it at least once. Perhaps it’s the fact that humans are biologically polygynous, so women naturally seem to try to compete for the best possible “mate.” I don’t know about you, but in my circle of friends we tend to refer to the guys that we are dating by their profession so we don’t get them all mixed up. I knew a girl that dated a guy that worked at a golf course, just so she could tell everyone he was a “pro” golfer LOL! But anyway, women tend to be attracted to the guy who stands out of the crowd, and I don’t mean in the sense that he’s cuter or nicer than the others, I mean in the sense that he has some type of authority over the masses. Like the bartender, for example. The bartender may not be the best looking guy or the funniest guy at the bar, but he has one thing the other hundreds of guys in the building don’t have; he’s BEHIND the bar. This area behind the bar puts him at a level of authority, and makes him a rarer and much more valuable kill. If you hit it off with the bartender, not only will your friends be “impressed,” but every other girl in the bar will be jealous of you. Plus it’s easier to say you hooked up with the bartender, than “that guy in the white shirt that said he worked in Hamilton, and I think his name was Mike.” And I’m definitely not off on this theory. The stories some of my guy friends have told me about their “bartending” days rival the dirt quality in the stories coming from the hockey player camp. Heard that expression, “I love a man in uniform?” That’s essentially the Bartender Factor talking. Essentially, even to women who may not understand the culture surrounding hockey or even care about the sport, they will still find the few guys skating on the ice far more appealing than the thousands of guys in the stands for just this reason.

Anyway, I am starting to believe that true puck bunnies have to have been brought up in the excessive hockey culture that we have here in Canada. Again, the difference between the puck bunny genus in Canada versus the gold-digger/groupie genus in the US likely is the byproduct of Canada have one predominant sport and the US having three (or four if you count NASCAR). In the US, baseball season becomes football season, and football season becomes basketball season. There is always a new sport to get into, and so one sport does not get all the attention or all the cultural significance. In Canada it is hockey season all year round. The coverage never stops even when the players are out golfing or vacationing at their summer homes.

I hope I’ve helped you understand the puck bunny culture a little more with this entry. I’m sorry my thoughts have been so scattered lately. I’ve been watching too much Supernatural over the last ten days, and I swear that show is made of crack. Speaking of…I have to get going; I think I hear Sam and Dean calling…

No white shirt wearing Hamiltonians named Mike were raped during the writing of this blog post.

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