You get what you paid for…
Toronto, ON Saying that the subject of money was brought to the surface during the 2012 NHL Lockout is an understatement. Hockey fans became all too aware of the greediness of both the players and the League over the past few months. Not shockingly, the efforts of a select few players to cry poverty during the Lockout fell on deaf ears. We the public are well aware of the humungous payouts these guys receive for lacing them up for 6+ months of the year. We also know just how common it is that players can blow all their money on being stupid, and, quite frankly, it angers us that we are supposed to pity them for wasting it all on frivolous luxuries.
Of course, the one thing that is more irritating than the message from the media that it is “understandable” why professional athletes blow all of their money, is the message that women are largely to blame for their “poverty.” All women are vilified in sport largely because professional athletes purposely involve themselves with terrible human beings. If you want some advice for hanging onto your cash, guys, maybe you should start thinking twice about only approaching the women with the fake boobs, fake tans, fake lips, fake nails, and etc. Any woman can spend a lot of time and money to look “hot” by trophy wife standards, but most of us have more important things to do, and have a different set of values. (FYI it only takes a spray tan and a wig to make me look like Bambi, and it’s quite disgusting how my “attractiveness” to men is instantly raised by putting on that not-so-crafty disguise). Anyway, this “trophy” percentage of the female population invested a lot of money into their appearance, much like hockey parents likely invested a lot into their child’s hockey development – hey, them titties ain’t free! Naturally, like with any investment, these women are looking for a return on that investment – and professional athletes, with their obscene salaries, are easy pickings!
Before we move on, I feel that we must first look at the definition of a true gold-digger. You see, I’ve always felt that there was a difference between puck bunnies and groupies, and groupies and gold-diggers:
Puck Bunnies: In their truest form, the puck bunny is a woman ONLY interested in hockey players. Now, this interest, I feel, is not usually motivated by money, but rather by status. These women essentially want the bragging rights of getting with hockey players, who are socially raised in Canadian culture. Many of them are not interested in trapping their targeted hockey player for more than a night or two, unless they are young and think that putting out is the key to getting a boyfriend. Since puck bunnies can ONLY be interested in hockey players, it is hard to find true puck bunnies at the professional level. That is, when money becomes a factor and the source of motivation, hockey players will generally find themselves involved with women, who are just as willing to jump NFL bones when called upon.
Groupies: Women who fall into this category are often a cross between puck bunnies and gold-diggers. Many of these women are motivated by the fame associated with getting involved with any sort of prominent individual whether they be athlete, celebrity, politician, or wealthy business man, for example. Essentially, they are name droppers. Now, I’m not saying that some of them aren’t trying to get that money for themselves in the manner of the gold-diggers, but generally those that fail at their money driven endeavours are forced to retain their meager groupie rank.
Gold-Diggers: Gold-diggers are money motivated groupies that succeeded in their mission. The reason they likely succeeded is because they spent a lot of money on personal trainers, plastic surgery, tanning beds, and clothes to look the part. Like they say, “You gotta spend money to make money,” and that’s definitely the situation here. They put in a lot of money to look that way, and now they want a rich man to pay off the creditors. It seems to me that hockey players complain a lot about gold-diggers, and yet only consider gold-diggers to be worthy of their time, attention, and (obviously) money. So, really, why should we pity them for knowingly making bad choices? P.S. They all look exactly the same, so I personally have never understood why they are considered more attractive than anyone else. All hockey players are like sheep I guess – can’t date someone that doesn’t look exactly like the other WAGs on the team. BAAAA!
I don’t want to further vilify women in sport because obviously not ALL women are puck bunnies, groupies, or gold-diggers, but, unfortunately, this post does apply to SOME women. Furthermore, all puck bunnies, groupies, and gold-diggers should be judged on a case by case basis. Just look at me. I’m accused of being a puck bunny and unsuccessful gold-digger by people all the time. I’m not going to deny that I have been involved with hockey players in my lifetime, so if that makes me a puck bunny, then I guess I am one. However, to me, involving myself with a hockey player is not something to be proud of, and if that’s how my stories have come across, then I’m sorry for the miscommunication. I wasn’t bragging, I was complaining.
You see, when I get involved with a hockey player it is usually because I’ve hit a point of physical desperation, and given my involvement with the game, they are usual the guys I have available to me. (To be fair, it’s probably desperation on their end, too). To me, a hockey player is not boyfriend material. A hockey player is a guy who has a likelier probability of being an asshole and treating me badly. Hockey players (and any professional athlete) are likelier to feel entitled when it comes to women they perceive as puck bunnies or gold-diggers, and are a high risk of having the mentality that if you’re using them for their names, then they’re going to use you, too. I will say, though, that as much as I complain about them, I have definitely been lucky in terms of involving myself with generally respectful men. That said, there was one individual that still horrifies me to this day, and makes me question my level of self-respect for sticking around as long as I did (which still wasn’t that long). The guy started off so sweet and nice, but about three weeks into whatever it was we had going on, he started to show a really ugly side that I had only previously read about in puck bunny mythology.
I don’t mean to say that everyone is as innocent in their puck bunny dealings, as I am also well aware that unsavoury individuals, both male and female, are out there to leech off of anyone who has something they want, and professional athletes would definitely be a top target. I mean, I’ve even seen it happen to me all too often. I’m 27 years old and I no longer have a female friend to my name. Since I was 16 years old, an endless parade of puck bunnies have befriended me in hopes of having their own “success” with hockey players. Unfortunately, things never go as planned for them, and I often find myself stunned and totally blindsided when, out of the blue, they angrily cut me out of their lives, and start spreading malicious lies about all the tricks I have up my sleeve when it comes to actually “landing” hockey players. My male friends are far less complicated.
Actually, now that I think about it, my non-puck bunny female friends were no angels either. We’d go out on the town and they’d spend the whole night trying to get free drinks out of men. I knew girls that dated guys for what car they drove, or because they promised to take them on shopping sprees. Perhaps it was my upbringing, but I’ve never grown “damp with excitement” when my dates pick me up in fancy cars. Maybe I’m weird, but I always just think they have skewed priorities or are overcompensating for something, which, quite frankly, does not motivate me to want to take their pants off, if you know what I’m saying. Is that horrible Good Charlotte song true? Do girls only like cars and money, and I’m just insane?
Speaking of my upbringing, which is likely to be the reason why I don’t fit the classic puck bunny/gold-digger mold, my mother (21 years old) and father (23 years old) were married in 1983 while my father was stationed at CFB Winnipeg. For those of you that don’t know, being married to a soldier can be a lot like being married to a professional athlete. Ever heard of base bunnies? Women love a man in uniform, and soldiers are awarded many opportunities to act on their temptations. It’s not fair for me to comment seeing as I don’t know my father, but my mother describes him as someone who only cared about partying and playing football – sound familiar? Two years later, I was born, while my father was serving a posting at the now defunct CFB Lahr in Germany. My mother claims that my birth gave her the strength to finally walk away from the marriage. Six months later she did just that, and I was pretty much the only thing she took away from the marriage. That’s a pretty shitty deal, if you ask me!
Anyway, I don’t want to say that I feel like I had an underprivileged childhood because I don’t. I remember pitying the other kids at school with all their fancy store bought Halloween costumes because clearly their parents didn’t love them enough to take the time to make them one. I was involved in a different organized sport every night of the week, and had an almost-new pair of skates every winter. But I do know that, as oblivious as I was as a child, my mother probably had more than a rough go at making ends meet from time to time. However, people have often asked her why she didn’t go after child support, and her response has never changed, “That would be a very substantial amount of money, and I don’t want to ruin another human being’s life.” She also has very little respect for women who demand alimony payments because, “When people get divorced, they should just sort out their assets and move on.”
Maybe it’s because of my mother that I don’t instinctively think to prey on men, like professional athletes, who have things/money that I don’t have, as a way to take their stuff and make it my own. Maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to get my head around these women, who allegedly try to purposely get pregnant, so that professional athletes are forced to make child support payments. That sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. Sure, you might be getting paid, but you also have to, you know, raise the kid. Quite frankly, the exhaustion of being a single parent terrifies me more than the costs of actually raising a child. Of course, this stuff doesn’t really apply to me as I’m not the marrying kind, and single parenting freaks me out.
I know I’ve gone off on another classic Psycho Lady tangent here, but I suppose the gold-digger stereotype is one that personally offends me given my history and background. Female hockey fans are always put under the microscope, as total strangers and fellow hockey fans seem to be waiting to pounce on any and every puck bunny tendency that we exhibit. Unfortunately, being a “puck bunny” is wrongly linked to being a gold-digger, as people assume that, since players have money, then that’s what we find attractive. All I’m going to say is that a true puck bunny will do it for free, so if a player actually has to put money down, then there is something very wrong with him. It is frustrating that, as the women of the rink, we are not only seen as false fans or puck bunnies, but we are also viewed as despicable leeches. If a female hockey fan was dating a guy who played beer league twice a week, you’d say they had “common interests.” The guy suddenly inks a pro contract, and magically she only likes him for his cash. Hmm…
So, to all the poverty stricken NHL players out there, you really need to start reevaluating your own choices in life. If you don’t want people using you romantically for your money, then stay away from high maintenance women, who will bleed your ass dry, and then quickly move on to the next fountain. I always thought that these guys kind of understood what they were getting into. Isn’t it the assumption that they are essentially paying these women to look good (debatable) on their arms, while they are free to screw anything that moves? Here’s an idea. Try NOT having a girlfriend! Enjoy being single without having to waste money paying people off to keep your indiscretions silent. It’s not rocket science!