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Psycho Bambi’s (ACTUAL) hottest men of the NHL…

Can I just say that I have little respect for both Cosmo and the women that read it??? Month after month they produce the same shitty articles all centred around learning how to “satisfy your man” with gems like, “Say his name in bed.” Wow, thanks for the tip… NOT! Ladies, come on! A) Don’t pay money for the same shit twice, and B) if at our age you haven’t figured out how to satisfy a man, then you don’t deserve to have one. Sorry, not sorry. Anywho… Apparently pleasing men isn’t the only thing Cosmo doesn’t do well. They can’t recognize a hot hockey player when they see one either! My disgust over Cosmo’s list of the hottest NHL players has violently shaken me out of my blogging hibernation. However, my blind rage over this shamefully assembled list was far too big to contain on my own site! So here I am, and here is the REAL list of the hottest players in the NHL this season in true slutty Psycho Bambi fashion. OBVIOUSLY, my list would be too Cosmo for Cosmo! You’ll notice I only used NHL roster pics, as it takes true hotness to look even remotely decent in those shots. Oh, and special thanks to Psycho Lady for letting me use her blog for this post! xoxx

Anaheim Ducks, Sheldon Souray
Cosmo’s Pick: Bobby Ryan (I can respect this selection)
Sure, Bobby Ryan seems like the obvious Anaheim nominee since he’s, you know, actually a decent hockey player, and doesn’t have unfortunate follicle issues like SOME of his teammates. However, if you want my advice from one puck bunny to another, you really have to consider sleaze factor over skill when drafting a list like this. Look at Sheldon Souray with his rugged and mischievous good looks that practically scream, “Yeah, if I was bored I would probably fuck you.” That’s what it’s all about, ladies. You should always take the guy who appears easiest to score on. Whether you actually have a shot or not is irrelevant.

Boston Bruins, Gregory Campbell
Cosmo’s Pick: Tyler Seguin
A favourite of mine since his junior days with my Kitchener Rangers. Like his name suggests, he really knows how to make a girl’s panties get all soupy. Make sure you bring a spare set of booty shorts whenever the Bruins are in town!

Buffalo Sabres, Nathan Gerbe
Cosmo’s Pick: Patrick Kaleta (A close second)
Nathan Gerbe has the textbook proportions for modern day hockey hair, which maintains that the “party in the back” does not grossly outweigh the business cut in the front. I do love a guy man enough to have pull-worthy hair!

Calgary Flames, Not Applicable
Cosmo’s Pick: Dennis Wideman
Woof! It’s an unfortunate dog park in Calgary! I’ll make sure to sit next to the VISITING bench whenever I finally make my trek to the Saddledome. Sorry, Mike Cammalleri, but we are the same height when I’m NOT in my stripper heels. It just wouldn’t work!

Carolina Hurricanes, Tuomo Ruutu
Cosmo’s Pick: Jordan Staal (CHILDREN OF THE CORN! CHILDREN OF THE CORN!)
Yeah, I can totally see how Tuomo Ruutu was left off of Cosmo’s list. He’s only one of the hottest guys in the ENTIRE league. No big deal.

Chicago Blackhawks, Daniel Carcillo
Cosmo’s Pick: Patrick Sharp
I was really leaning toward Viktor Stalberg on this one because, well, look at him! However, every time I look at Carcillo I say to myself, “Now, there’s a man that looks like he would really know his way around a 30 clasped bustier,” and that’s a skill I need in my life, quite frankly.

Colorado Avalanche, Ryan Wilson
Cosmo’s Pick: Gabriel Landeskog
Ryan Wilson is a hidden gem of cuteness in the NHL. In high school, I was lucky enough to have season tickets for the Toronto St. Michael’s Majors on the defensive end of their bench. Therefore, I have a comprehensive understanding of the aforementioned cuteness, as I spent a large portion of time between whistles staring at him AND VICE VERSA! Shut up, Ryan! You know it’s true!

Columbus Blue Jackets, Jared Boll
Cosmo’s Pick: Jared Boll
Not too many manimals left in Columbus since the departure of one Rick Nash. I will have to agree with Cosmo on this one, or take Derick Brassard. They kind of look alike though, so I don’t see the point in bothering to make any revisions.

Dallas Stars, Tomas Vincour
Cosmo’s Pick: Jaromir Jagr
I’d probably also nominate Jagr, but I don’t feel right agreeing with the hell-beast that is Cosmo and all of Cosmo’s readers twice in a row. Vincour has a great name and commercial good looks, which probably means he has a little black book the size of the yellow pages! I generally don’t like having that much competition – but I’m the jealous type.

Detroit Red Wings, Carlo Colaiacovo
Cosmo’s Pick: Henrik Zetterberg (Yes, due to beard growing abilities)
Carlo Colaiacovo has been a favourite of mine since his junior years in Erie playing alongside my former heartthrob, Brad Boyes. That being said, he is also a twin (re: Vancouver). Now most of you have probably written Carlo off due to his storied career of injuries, which is a shame. Injury prone hockey players are SEXY. Think Stephen King’s Misery. OH BABY!

Edmonton Oilers, Ben Eager
Cosmo’s Pick: Jordan Eberle
Maybe it’s the fact that The Hobbit just came out last month, but I have been on a major Lord of the Rings kick. Something about Ben Eager just reminds me of one of those large footed lads from The Shire, and since hobbits are so hot right now, so is he!

Florida Panthers, Jose Theodore
Cosmo’s Prick: Scottie Upshall (Whoops… Typo…)
Scottie Upshall is the worst kind of player to have on a list like this. Scottie’s nonthreatening boyish good looks insures that he is always a fan favourite among stupid 15 year old girls and ugly-as-sin pornstar types no matter how badly he performs on the ice. Due to this plethora of female attention, players like Upshall have superstar egos trapped inside their 3rd line jock straps, which just isn’t fair. 3rd liners are a puck bunny’s bread and butter. What would we do if they all thought they could do better than us?! Thankfully, most hockey players actually know where they stand, so we still have plenty of guys to prey on. Remember, boys, having a couple pairs of city mile-d implants on your arms isn’t your ticket to the Hall of Fame. My pick is Jose Theodore. I mean, he WAS rumoured to be screwing Paris Hilton, and if that doesn’t say low standards, then I don’t know what does!

L.A. Kings, Mike Richards
Cosmo’s Pick: Jeff Carter
Mike Richards sure has grown into his Ryan Gosling-esque great looks since I first saw him take to the ice at the Kitchener Aud as a 16 y/o rookie, which means he’s better than The Gap! Hopefully his social skills with the ladies have also improved, just saying! Love ya, Mikey! xoxx

Minnesota Wild, Clayton Stoner
Cosmo’s Pick: Ryan Suter
Surely, if you were to make a selection from the Wild’s latest acquisitions, then Zach Parise would be the obvious choice with that baby face of his. Unfortunately, I am not most women, and prefer my men to look a touch more manly. That being said, my selection is pretty boy, Clayton Stoner, despite his unfortunate name and pretty boy-ness.

Montreal Canadiens, P.K. Subban
Cosmo’s Pick: Carey Price
One time I saw P.K. Subban at a Boston Pizza. Unfortunately, I decided not to work my magic on him due to various injuries I sustained from a mattress tilt with a certain goalie. Perhaps, you recall the handprint that was on my ass for nearly two weeks!? Sigh… Memories. Anyway, Carey Price is the past and P.K. Subban, the future. That is if the Habs can find a way to sign him again! He’s a total beefcake and a sharp dresser, too. And you know what they say, “Every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man.”

Nashville Predators, Hal Gill
Cosmo’s Pick: Mike Fisher
Umm… No! Players like Mike Fisher set a bad example for all the other guys on whatever team he plays for. If it isn’t irritating enough having Carrie Underwood showing up at the games, then the aftermath of her showing up is. You see, once a player marries a famous (coughAmericanIdolcough) woman, then suddenly all the other guys on the team think they can, too. As a result, we the normies start to look undesirable no matter how awesome our boobs are! Think about it… Have you noticed how MOST hockey wives look exactly the same? It’s because hockey players are so insecure, they think they will be judged for dating outside of the box. Anyway, my pick is classic Hal Gill because on a scale of 1-10 he’s an 11, and he seems like he’d be kind of a dick! I love it when they treat me like garbage!

New Jersey Devils, David Clarkson
Cosmo’s Pick: Adam Henrique
I would think that David Clarkson would be the obvious choice coming out of New Jersey. David has been a female fan favourite long before he reached National Hockey League fame, and was still driving his dusty old car around the streets of Kitchener with an unmistakable #17 drawn into the filth on the doors like a race car. I knew girls that wanted him so much that they drove to his parents’ house in Mimico one offseason, and posted pictures of it on one of those old homepage things people used to have in the days before Myspace. And for the record, no, I was in no way involved in this level of stalking! Anyway, Clarky may have dropped the #17 from the back of his jersey, but his textbook good looks remain. I’m surprised at you, Cosmo, I really am!

New York Islanders, Brad Boyes
Cosmo’s Pick: John Tavares
Sorry, John Tavares, but you’ll always be that 15 year old Oshawa General, who was beast-like enough to make it to the OHL at such a young age, in my books. Therefore, it still feels wrong and jailbaitish for me to perv all over you. I am going to have to go with my lifelong hockey crush, Brad Boyes, on this one. Here’s a fun fact. I used to cheer so loudly for Brad in his Erie days that you could hear me clear as a bell on all the Rogers broadcasts.

New York Rangers, Henrik Lundqvist
Cosmo’s Pick: Brian Boyle
In fairness to Cosmo, the Rangers are probably the best looking team in the entire league. That being said, with his James Bond good looks, it should still be obvious to even the most asexual individual that Henrik Lundqvist is the fairest of them all.

Ottawa Senators, Marc Methot
Cosmo’s Pick: Marc Methot
In the words of Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad, “You’re God damn right!” I, too, have been a fan of Marc’s backside since we had breakfast together prior to his game in Carolina a couple years ago. And by, ‘together,’ I mean ‘in the same room.’ And by ‘room,’ I mean, ‘buffet in the main lobby.’ Sad face.

Philadelphia Flyers, Claude Giroux
Cosmo’s Pick: Scott Hartnell
It’s tough to disagree with Cosmo on this one, as I have often found myself wondering about the skills Hartnell likely has off the ice as well as on. That being said, I envision Claude Giroux as a younger version of Scott, and younger generally means MORE STAMINA. Quite frankly, I’m tired of men in their Carlsberg years, if you know what I’m saying.

Phoenix Coyotes, Paul Bissonnette
Cosmo’s Pick: Mike Smith
For the Phoenix Coyotes, I select Paul Bissonnette for the same reasons I chose Sheldon Souray (re: Anaheim). However, now that Paul has nearly 400K Twitter followers, he likely also has standards.

Pittsburgh Penguins, Dustin Jeffrey
Cosmo’s Pick: Sidney Crosby
OK, why is Crosby on this list? Because he’s Crosby? Come on! Gretzky was Gretzky, but he still looked like Princess Diana! Think about it! I choose Dustin Jeffrey. His looks speak for themselves.

San Jose Sharks, Thomas Greiss
Cosmo’s Pick: Brent Burns
You know how I feel about goalies… And he is a great looking one.

St. Louis Blues, Patrik Berglund
Cosmo’s Pick: Patrik Berglund
OK I’m giving this one to Cosmo because Patrik and I share a birthday. If you don’t think that’s much of a reason, then you’ve clearly never seen two Geminis in bed together! Like two spider monkeys trapped in a very small cage…

Tampa Bay Lightning, Vincent Lecavalier
Cosmo’s Pick: Vincent Lecavalier
Well… DUH! Lecavalier is one of those players whose tragic hotness you can’t deny despite the fact that you are painfully aware that you’ll never, ever, ever, ever have a shot at seeing him naked unless you break into the locker room.

Toronto Maple Leafs, The Toronto Marlies
Cosmo’s Pick: Phil Kessel
In a town like Toronto hockey players are given god-like status no matter how badly they suck. Unfortunately, due to said status, the Leafs spend most of their time hiding up in their VIP loft at Real Sports, and trying to avoid mingling with those of us of lower class. The good news is that this Divine status is not bestowed on the AHL players of Toronto, and as a result these guys feel even more inferior than they would playing in non-NHL cities. In other words, they are ripe for the picking. I certainly wouldn’t mind breaking off a piece of Jerry D’Amigo and/or Mike Kostka!

Vancouver Canucks, The Sedins
Cosmo’s Pick: Ryan Kesler
You can probably guess that the Sedins are making my list solely for the fact that “twin-centric threesome” holds a prominent position on my bucket list.

Washington Capitals, Alex Ovechkin
Cosmo’s Pick: Mike Green
Ovechkin isn’t the prettiest boy in the League and that’s a good thing in my books. Ovi looks the way a real hockey player should with the textbook broken nose, missing teeth, scars and bruises. Hockey players these days spend all their time whitening, bronzing, and who knows what other extensive skincare routine they have going on. Forget trying to be GQ worthy, and try focusing on hockey for a change!

Winnipeg Jets, Grant Clitsome
Cosmo’s Pick: Evander Kane
Evander Kane should be banned from all hottest NHL player lists for life after he tweeted that sad picture of himself using stacks of cash as a phone. That said, the honourary title of Hottest Jet shall be bestowed on Grant Clitsome. If his name is any indication, then I’m sure Grant frequently finds himself in the box for diving… YAY!

Psycho Bambi is the Psycho Blog Network’s resident puck bunny.

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2 Responses to Psycho Bambi’s (ACTUAL) hottest men of the NHL…

  1. […] Psycho Lady Hockey Stalking a hockey rink near you. Oh my! « Psycho Bambi’s (ACTUAL) hottest men of the NHL… […]

  2. Emily says:

    haha loved it!! I didn’t agree with them all but they were a heck of a lot better than Cosmo’s picks!

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