So, Phil the groundhog of Punxsutawney, PA may have seen his shadow today, thereby predicting another grim six weeks of winter, but luckily for all of you vacation starved, frost bitten, -21o celsiused, fellow northeast divisioners, I have a more accurate measure for predicting the impending spring. I call it the “Hot for Hockey Players” condition, a hormonal swing in the female hockey fan’s biological make up that occurs when the weather begins to get warmer.
Have you ever noticed that once the snow begins to melt the attractive male population on campus triples? Or that an army of cute boys suspiciously moves into your building every year around March? No, no, you didn’t have snow blindness – they were around all winter long, you just didn’t want them. Why? Because Mother Nature didn’t kick in and make you a breeding machine, that’s why.
Female hockey fans tend to notice this swing earlier than most. All season long we sit around the rink cheering for sweet passes and booing the linesmen, but after the All Star Break something changes. Suddenly, hockey fights become more exciting, and some would say, erotic, we start to notice the hockey players’ faces and skate sizes instead of just the numbers on the back of their jerseys, and our hometown enforcers, with their toothless grins and black eyes, start to creep into our dreams on a nightly basis. Enforcers and the majority of hockey players are probably the ugliest bunch of guys (next to UFC fighters, of course) on the planet, so falling for them requires a significant hormonal hike. I’m sure if you’d ask the likes of Tie Domi and Mike Ricci, they’d tell you that they got the most ass coming down the final stretch of the regular season!
Now I know what most of you guys out there are thinking, “real hockey fans don’t check out the players only puck bunnies do.” So before I castrate you, I will just say this: love the game as we do, you can’t fight biology. If you really think that any woman watching a group of forty guys sweating and shoving each other is NOT going to take a minute and at least assess the talent, then you are either incredibly stupid, or one of those double standard douche bags. I’ll be sure to keep this in mind when I question the authenticity of your passion for beach volleyball in the off season.
So, is spring coming soon? I vote: yes, yes! And what better way to celebrate than by checking out tonight’s Anaheim match up against Paul Gaustad… I mean Buffalo. Oopsies! See, it’s practically spring already!
*The preceding blog entry should not in any way be considered medical or scientific fact.
