They say in three months you’ll know whether you love Korea or hate it. Truthfully, I find myself disliking my life here more and more. Not that I expected Korea to be a smellier (you know, squid on every street corner) version of North America, but culturally there are some things that are hard to live with every day especially if you are the type that is prone to over think pretty much everything. Although things are starting to change here, and I’m sure in ten years South Korea will be even more Americanized than it already is, men and women in Korea are not equals, not even on paper. I don’t want to go on a rant or anything, but I will say that I tend to look a little more closely at the other westerners here because of that – especially the men. I know a few guys here that were offered jobs just walking down the street, and, while such opportunities are rare anywhere, the fact that I know that this would never happen to me here BECAUSE I’m a woman irritates me in principle. Don’t get me wrong, I would say a large chunk of Koreans that are my age and younger are less traditional, but at the end of the day, I still live in place where men feel like they have the right to follow me home and try to break into my apartment because I’m Caucasian and therefore must be a Russian prostitute (not that those actions would be OK even if I was said Russian prostitute) –zhopa!

Anyway, as I mentioned last month, the wanderlust was starting to creep up on me again. Luckily, I had my first vacation period schedule at the end of July. Sadly, there’s no hockey anywhere but Australia at this time, and I wasn’t really into making the long trek down unda for a four night stint. China on the other hand was a much easier commute as Korea is essentially China’s dick anyway – geographically speaking.

If I had any advice for people traveling to the other side of the world, make sure you have a good two weeks to dedicate to China (at LEAST). And be prepared not to have any relaxation time during your stint. I would also advise not to go on a soju binge hours before your flight, but that’s another story. There is so much to do in China. I felt like I was on the go non-stop. My friend and I never slept in later than 7:30 in the morning. Considering that we normally start work at 3PM every day, and don’t often get up before noon, this made for some minor unpleasantness. Beijing was an interesting city. At times it felt like I was back home in Toronto, and at other times it felt like I was in Cuba. The Great Wall was definitely the highlight of the trip for me. It’s one of those places that you never think you’re going to experience for yourself, so even seeing it from a distance is really incredible. Oh, and make sure you dedicate a full day to JUST the Wall, and a full day to the Summer Palace.

The food in China was really great and dirt cheap as well, but it tastes a lot different than the stuff you’d get back home, and even the Chinese food we have here in Korea. The shopping was just as cheap. Make sure you visit the markets. If everyone took a trip to China once a year to do all their shopping, they would be A LOT richer! My friend was smart, she brought a big suitcase, I didn’t as I’m not much of a shopper, but let me tell you, I became one in China! If you’re the type that likes your designer stuff, you can get some of the best knock offs in the world there for next to nothing. I actually think these people steal the real things from the factories and resell them because making any money on them is worth it, as most people don’t make more than $800 a year, which is the tragic part of China. Even little babies know how to beg for money IN ENGLISH!

So I’m probably boring you with my China adventure. I’m sure what you really want to know about is the public indecency. Well, that’s pretty self-explanatory I would think. Some of the westerners have a saying that in Korea everyone will develop two addictions. The popular choices are drinking and smoking, but I’ve not been one for those two vices – even the drinking. Back home I’d never have more than a drink or two if I went out. The problem is that a drink or two of soju will just utterly fuck you up, it’s not even funny. So we all know that hockey is my first addiction, and if I’m not one for the drugs and alcohol, then all that’s left is…………………….. Quiet! It’s a REAL disease!

Before I sign off again, I’ve given a few more Korean kids some hockey inspired names this month. Here’s the updated list:

Boys:

1. Messier
2. Bauer
3. Scotty (Bowman)
4. Ovi [New]
5. Modano [New]

Girls:
1. Darcy (Tucker)
2. Vezina
3. Quinn [New]
4. Kovy [New]
5. Souray [New]

Anyway, I wasn’t sure what to do with the account at first. I didn’t want to make a parody account either because if the NHL is going to come down on anyone for that, it’s going to be me. Luckily, no minions have been sent after me yet, but I always keep an eye on my hits from NHL Enterprises LOL! So, after giving the matter very little thought, I realized that the thing Sean Avery followers probably miss most of all is his TweetPhoto account, and the Bizarro Sean Avery Adventures were born! I’ve decided to post the inaugural collection of photos here, but keep watching the TweetPhotos at @seanaveryd0tcom for a more up to date selection. I would also recommend that you frequent SeanAvery.com for blogs and photos from the REAL Sean Avery. Enjoy!

Bizarro Sean Avery dressed in a traditional “China girl hat.” The locals called it that, not me.

BSA is rewarded for making it to a height of 1 km – great work!

Here’s my attempt at a disclaimer: @seanaveryd0tcom is not a parody Twitter account or an account intended to impersonate Sean Avery or his former Twitter account @seanaverydotcom. @seanaveryd0tcom and Psycho Lady Hockey are not in any way affiliated with Sean Avery, SeanAvery.com, or the New York Rangers.

Psycho Lady Hockey: Before we get into this whole Twitter thing, what have you been up to over the off season? Anything scandalous?

Paul “BizNasty” Bissonnette: The off season has been good. The way most guys do it is when the season ends they take about 4 to 5 weeks off. No training, no working out, just relaxing. I also take that approach, maybe to a different level. I went to Vegas with four teammates a week after our season had ended, and had a blast. I wore a Speedo at all the pool parties. That started a rumor on the net – not true. After Vegas I came back to Phoenix for another 3 weeks and partied and golfed. When it was time to go, I packed my truck and drove back to Canada with Taylor Pyatt. All the ladies reading this probably just got wet [Psycho Lady: I actually did!]. Then when I got home I started training Monday through Friday. On the weekends is when I have my fun in the off season. I go to Toronto, I went back to Vegas *laughs,* London, Ontario, and Muskoka. As for the rest of summer, August is quiet. I’ll skate 3 times a week and train. I go back to Phoenix in late August.

Psycho: Aww you just made me homesick! So what happened with your Twitter account exactly? Are you planning a comeback?

BizNasty: The reason I had to delete my account was because my agent was worried about the Kovi comment. I understand where he’s comin’ from. I had a lot of fans laughing, and it was all in good fun, but some people take things to heart – whatever. I’m gonna lay off Twitter, but plan on coming back early in the season with an account. The fans need it.

Psycho: That’s great! But will you have to make changes to the way you tweet to ensure that your new account is more permanent?

BizNasty: As far as toning down my tweets, I’ll say, “Yeah,” but probably not.

Psycho: Hahaha excellent! OK, can you talk a little bit about your new #freebiznasty campaign for the homeless?

BizNasty: The #freebiznasty campaign is a “charity” that I’m starting, very small, for the homeless. If you followed me on Twitter, you would know how much I love the homeless. I buy them food when I see them. Usually try not to give them money ‘cause homeless people tend to hit the booze. Basically, I do it because they live a hard life on the street. We don’t know their story and their struggles. So, help them out, baby!

Psycho: Wow that’s awesome. The shirts are great, by the way. So, why do you think @PaulBizNasty was so popular with the hockey community on Twitter?

BizNasty: Why do I think mine was popular? Because I put myself out there. I know if I was a fan, I’d wanna see the cool stuff that athletes do with their leisure time. I have fun with showing the crazy shit that I do.

Psycho: Very true. I’m sure most fans get bored reading about the morning skate every day. Well, we all know that your fans are suffering from @PaulBizNasty withdrawal, but how are you coping with the lack of Twitter? Are there any particular accounts that you miss following?

BizNasty: It blows. I’ve had so much funny stuff that has happened since. I still take pictures just in case, but it’s not the same without it. It’s like I lost my first child *laughs.* I didn’t really have a favourite Twitter to follow. I didn’t find anyone’s entertaining enough. I found it way better having fans tweet me directly telling me to check out cool websites like dontevenreply.com. I love that site now. The fans would tell me to check stuff out all the time. It was a two way street.

Psycho: Since you won’t be back on Twitter for another month or so, can I get a @PaulBizNasty style tweet for your fans and followers who are still having the shakes over the loss?

BizNasty:

Thanks to Mr. BizNasty for sharing his sparkling personality with me. Fans who are still trembling on the bathroom floor because Paul is not on Twitter, can dust off the old Facebook machine and connect with him that way. Click here to add him as a friend on the Face. Also, make sure you check out saucehockey.com to order your BizNasty T-shirts in support of the #freebiznasty campaign. I want one. Does anyone know if they will ship to Korea?!

Top Photo: When I think Paul Bissonnette, I think black water manties. You’re welcome, ladies!

9. Maxim Lapierre & Antoine Vermette

Purely cosmetic additions to the Twitter world. These two would unlikely do a great service to the hockey “tweep” community unless they were to get a little trigger happy with the TweetPhoto application. Gots ta love those French-Canadian mens.

8. Ray Ferraro

With on air statements about sticking fingers in dykes, Ray Ferraro is quickly becoming the new generation of Pierre McGuire-esque colour commentators. One can only assume he’d be able to deliver similar gems in 140 characters or less.

7. Don Cherry

I can see it all now, Don Cherry’s online Twitter hockey tutorial for the kids at home! 140 characters, no 5 second time delay.

6. Jeremy Roenick

Jeremy Roenick has one of the biggest personalities in the hockey community, so one can only hope that he’d bring his presence to the Twitter realm. However, I think JR might fall under the same hypothetical influence as Mark Messier.

5. Scott Hartnell

Scott Hartnell always knows just what to say whether he’s at the breakfast table, or warming up for a game. It’s a guarantee that his Twitter feed would be non-stop hilarious, so long as he doesn’t fall into the game day tweet pattern as so many nondescript NHL accounts before him.

4. Pierre McGuire

Yes, I am aware that there was a fake Pierre McGuire Twitter account, and there is even a hilarious @ShitMcGuireSays feed as well, but one can only assume that the imposters wouldn’t have shit on the real deal.

3. Bobby Ryan & Ryan Getzlaf

I mean, come on, have you seen this?!

2. Paul Bissonnette

Bissonnette was strong-armed into deactivating his insanely popular Twitter account @paulbiznasty, and his fans are still devastated by the loss. @paulbiznasty gave fans an insight into what an NHL player REALLY does on a day to day basis without all the sugarcoated BS we are fed from the other NHL accounts. We can only hope that he’ll be up and running again soon. Since his deactivation, Bissonnette has mounted a Twitter inspired campaign to raise money for a homeless shelter in Phoenix. Click here to buy one of his saucy T-shirts!

1. Sean Avery

As I mentioned before, if one NHL player NEEDED to be on Twitter, it’s Sean Avery. And I’m not referring to the entertainment of the fans online either, Avery gave up his best promotional tool when he shut down his account. Therefore, I decided to keep his account warm for him, and resurrected @seanaveryd0tcom. I do not pretend to be Sean Avery, but instead try to provide the public with tweets of his quality. Follow me! I have big things planned *grins.* More to come on this later. P.S. No, I’m not a Sean Avery super fan!

Avery is no stranger to controversy. He has received a lot of bad press for his outlandish statements and actions both on and off the ice. However, given that he has numerous non-hockey ventures that he should be promoting to the public, such as, his website, and his Tribeca area restaurant, Warren 77, Avery’s decision to delete his account on the best social networking site on the web is clearly as poorly thought out as his decision to step in front of the cameras at the Saddledome in Calgary back in the 2008-09 season. But whether he’s freaking out over Twitter or his sloppy seconds, no Sean Avery style dick move/melt down would be complete without comedic benefits.

It’s hard to say what pushed Sean over the edge to the point of deleting his Twitter account, but I would say that it’s a safe bet that he was fed up with the smack talk from his anti-fan followers. You would think that if any hockey player in the National Hockey League would have thick skin, it would be Sean Avery. After all, he made a name for himself as the biggest pest in the game, and, quite frankly, one could argue that his saucy mouth is what keeps him both a fan favourite, and gainfully employed in the NHL. Of course, there are a lot of irritating “self-righteous fans” out there that turn up their noses whenever a player gets his hands dirty with an on ice brawl, or off ice foul; irrational people who believe that hockey players are upstanding men in pastel cardigans with no hair on their balls. Naturally, these fans would not think too highly of Mr. Avery, and by putting himself in the public domain with Twitter and his website, well, like all athletes, he opened up the floodgates for optimal dick access (that’s what she said). A lot of sports fans like to make themselves feel important by calling out athletes from the safety of their PC, so it’s not surprising that Avery of all people would get an F-tonne of smack. However, as I mentioned before, the shocking thing is that Mr. Chirpy McChirpington himself couldn’t handle the abuse from his anti-fans (read: nobodies), when he likely encounters the same treatment from his opponents on a regular basis.

This is why I am slightly skeptical that online bullying is really what pushed this fashion conscious tough guy over the edge. Perhaps, Avery was saving face. Perhaps, he didn’t like that “real” celebrities have follower numbers in the six and seven digits, and he couldn’t get past four. Perhaps, “something” deteriorated in his personal life, and he couldn’t take back the tweet-evidence of better times, and so, he chose to run from it altogether. I’m not trying to start rumours or anything, I’m just playing devil’s advocate again. Anyway, whatever the reason for Sean Avery to swear off of Twitter, the fact remains that the hockey “tweep” community will surely be devastated by the loss. Sean Avery is the biggest name in the National Hockey League period. I know you are probably going to disagree and throw the Kid and Ovi cards at me, but those two are really only popular in pro sports circles. Avery, on the other hand, has managed to make a name for himself in a much larger arena. So, given the nature of the beast that is Sean Avery, if he would have stuck with tweeting, I predict that he would have become the best and most popular NHL player to follow on Twitter whether his followers loved him or hated him. Oh well.

RIP @seanaverydotcom.

Remembering better days… P.S. In Korea they don’t say “sloppy seconds,” they say “vagina brothers.”

10. Ticket Prices

Especially at the Air Canada Centre and Madison Square Garden – Yowza!

9. Female puck bunnies, I mean… hockey fans… that pay good money to go to a hockey game (or not go), just so they can complain about the fact that my seats were close to the ice to rally support for their she-pig/mother-of-3 hate campaigns.

It would be more valuable for you to just focus on the game, ladies. Perhaps, you’ll learn that this season when I’m not around.

8. The Philadelphia Flyers feed on NHL Center Ice

It’s always the worst! Maybe it will be fixed when I get back.

7. Hockey wives and girlfriends

Particularly those of the rank-hag variety that are in the habit of illegally posting my personal shit online because they are insecure and have man hands and the face of a 40 year old football (only much, much bigger).

6. Liquid Gold

$13 for a domestic beer? Cripes!

5. Pre warm-up jitters.

Don’t ask me why, but before every game I have an internal freak out like I’m the one about to take to the ice in front of 20 000 people. I have not gone a single game without it.

4. The Springtime bandwagon rush.

You couldn’t be bothered in October, but now you’ll steal my tickets right from under me? Me no dink doh!

3. The “situation” in Phoenix.

Enough with the empty threats! When did Winnipeg get a second chance, let alone a million?

2. Twitter-Blog stalkers.

Among others.

1. Jock Sniffers.

“Friends” that will throw you under the bus if they think it means an NHL player might like them more if they were ever to meet.

The drive was pretty decent. I made a mental note of all the exit numbers along the I-5 that had obvious IN-N-OUT Burgers. A couple animal styles, a shake, and a gigantic Dr. Pepper is the ONLY correct way to do a California roadie. Oh baby! I think I’m gaining weight just thinking about all this North American fast foodie goodness!

I pulled up to my hotel as Limp Bizkit’s Nookie came on my iPod. I’m not sure why I had that on my Best Ever playlist, but I distinctly remember singing, “Like a chump. Heyyyy. Like a chump. Heyyyyy” as I pulled off the highway and approached the hotel. It felt a lot hotter in San Jose than it did in LA, that’s for damn sure. It was a lot sunnier and nicer, too.

By the time I was settled in I had all of three hours to kill before heading over to the rink. Once I discovered that there was a Pink Berry in town, my mission was clear. I didn’t know that Pink Berry was a chain, I just thought it was a crazy amazing frozen yogurt place in Manhattan. Now that I have made this discovery, I will definitely be adding Pink Berry to my list of places to track down on all future hockey outings. Anyway, I had a massive serving topped with my fave – sliced kiwi. You wouldn’t think kiwi would be a good frozen yogurt flavour, but it’s SHIT HOT!

Over at the Shark Tank, I was blown away by the intensity of the fans who proudly wore their ORANGE playoff shirts despite the fact that they were, well, ORANGE! I have never been in such a loud building in my entire career of hockey wanderings. I’m not sure if the playoff atmosphere had any impact on the fan quality I was witnessing that night. I asked a few people if the fans were “like this” all the time, and they told me that they were. Craziness! I love their cheers, and the chomping shark jaw that they make with their arms during penalties, even if it does resemble an alligator more so than a shark!

It was probably my most enjoyable hockey experience in years! I was glad I got to see the Sharks come away with a 3-2 series lead, mostly so it would make the environment at Pepsi Center a little more hostile during Game 6! Yeah, I’m selfish. Oh, and a word to the wise if you are heading to San Jose in the 2010-11 NHL season: when they say “garlic fries” they mean “GARLIC fries.” Whew! Glad I didn’t have a hot date after the game, I was fresh out of Tic Tacs.

After the game, I went straight back to the hotel and crashed for the night. As much as I wanted to explore NorCal, I was planning to spend my last day in California back in the south with a friend I hadn’t seen since my early November Anaheim Ducks adventure. Sadly, the HP Pavilion would go down in the books as the 23rd active NHL facility that I have visited for an NHL game. I would leave for Korea with seven rinks unexplored and un-ravaged by the hurricane that is the Psycho Lady (eight if you count the new facility in Pittsburgh). So, in case you didn’t know, when I make my glorious return to the NHL, I’m coming for you! That’s right. Tampa, Atlanta, Carolina, Minnesota, Vancouver, Calgary, and Edmonton, I’m coming for you. I just want you to know, the Psycho Lady is coming.

Roll the credits…

Unfortunately, I think this installment of A Life Without Hockey will be just as boring as the last. Month 2 in Korea was more of the same; adapting to my new life on the other side of the world, and taking some down time from the chaos of eight years worth of hockey misadventures. What’s worse is that my camera broke on my birthday, and so I wasn’t able to take any pictures to document this past month. I’ve also been mildly concerned about my health. My body seems to react differently here. Like, for example, the other night I skinned my knee viciously on my mattress….somehow ahem……and it took days for the wound to even begin to heal! And let’s not forget that in my two months overseas, I am down 22 lbs! However, I’m sure that the majority of my medical concerns are borderline paranoia. I think after I went through the bizarre Korean physical the day after I arrived here, I decided it was not in my best interest to ever need medical assistance while I’m living in this country.

I’m sure things will start to pick up in Month 3. For starters, I’m going to China in two weeks, so stay tuned for that. I was told that hockey was pretty popular in China because of its proximity to Russia. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for hockey related stuff while I’m there. Also, while I was on the train to Busan earlier this week (visiting the Chinese consulate to apply for my VISA), I discovered a train route that claims to link up with the Trans-Siberian Railway. So, now I’m pretty much obsessed with the idea of getting to at least one KHL game this hockey season. I really hope I can make it; I’d love to see what the fans are like in the rival league.

In Korea people often want to have English names, so if you come across a Korean kid who has not been named, then they will ask you to bestow upon them the greatest name you can think of. Instead of going the standard Sally route, I decided to do our sport a great service and give these impressionable Korean children hockey names. Here’s my list so far:

Boys:

1. Messier
2. Bauer
3. Scotty (Bowman)

Girls:

1. Darcy (Tucker)
2. Vezina

I know, those are some bad ass names! And you’re welcome, National Hockey League, I’m growing the game one Korean child at a time!

Another highlight, as indicated by my top photo, was getting my first care package from my parents. They were sending back my camera. Damn you, Best Buy, and your shady warranties! You’ll recall I bought that camera while I was in Dallas in April. Anyway, my mom decided to stuff the box with sections of the Toronto Star, and in the sports section was a picture of Brian Burke’s Draft Day face! Burkie’s various facial expressions are some of things I was missing most about not being able to watch this season’s NHL Entry Draft on TV. As you can see I was a little too excited to get it; you know how I love my Dilves! Plus it didn’t hurt that there were several boxes of Cadbury Thins included in my big package!

Well that pretty much sums up my second month in Korea. Only ten months to go until I am free to reenter NHL land, but one question still remains… Ten months down the road, will I still want to come back?

10. The frozen alcoholic drink wall at Joe Louis Arena

Jungle Juice, baby!

Honourable Mention: Shit disturbing.

Couldn’t decide which pic to go with so I just gave it to Dougie hahahahaha!