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Facebook kills puck bunnies dead!

Did Facebook kill the puck bunny like video killed the radio star? It’s another crazed theory of mine that social media may be a contributing factor to the declining numbers of these lovable critters. When zoologists study endangered species, for example, one of the variables they take into consideration is the food source or the chain of command in its habitat. Whether the species in question is the hunter or the prey, shifts in hunting practices can either cause numbers in one or both species to devastate or overwhelm the ecosystem. So, it’s no surprise that hunting practices in the underworld of hockey players and puck bunnies would impact the poor showing that these ladies are putting up on game day.

So how do puck bunnies hunt? Well, there are several ways from arena lurking to speed racing to staking out in front of the players’ homes, but maybe the biggest tool available to puck bunnies is the Internet. Arguably, the puck bunny uprising coincided with the Internet/computer take over in the mid ‘90s to the early 2000s, as did the more depraved aspects of hockey culture. Websites like Junior Hockey Bible and rumour forums were key contributors in the mass spreading of unsavoury hockey player related information to the point that these doings simply became common practice. The hockey “lifestyle” was born.

Naturally, the puck bunnies evolved with the times and began using the earlier and more primitive networking tools like MSN, AIM, and, yes, even ICQ to improve their games. Puck bunnies would share player contact information with each other on the aforementioned gossip sites (don’t get excited, dear, this activity is still illegal), and players began reporting that random girls would add them pretty much daily. The players and unattractive puck bunnies alike were loving this new technological advancement. True story: I remember this fierce puck bunny back in the day. She was a…big lady….I don’t know how to say that any more delicately. Anyway, according to her bff, who was in my grade twelve economics class, she used to send the players to a personal website of a porn star, who just happened to have the same first name, so they could see what she “looks like.” Unfortunately, for the hockey stars, 2% body fat and implants didn’t show up at their billets’ front doors, but fortunately, for our festively plump friend, seventeen year old boys weren’t about to tell a sure thing to take a hike. Everyone’s a winner!

But, of course, there can be too much of a good thing. MySpace and other social media sites started to put MSN and the like to shame. Finally, when Facebook opened its doors to non-university students all Hell broke loose. It was suddenly way too easy to know everything there was to know about everyone. Seems like this would be a good thing for the puck bunnies, right? Well, it was, at first, but then Facebook started ruining people’s lives. People started losing their jobs because of questionable photos or wall posts, marriages dissolved due to public extramarital flirtations, and the conflicts were not any smaller in the puck bunny realm.

Sure, there were the traditional hockey types that used Facebook to score with puck bunnies and cheat on their girlfriends. I knew one guy that didn’t use his real name (so his girlfriend wouldn’t find out), and told his targets to “Google him” as proof that he was really an AHL player. It was fun for a while, but then everyone started getting Facebook, which meant that the girlfriends started getting Facebook. Suddenly, the hockey players were being forced to fess up to their unfortunate relationships with the dreaded “Facebook Relationship Status” lest they receive a thorough tongue lashing from the old ball and chain (and not the type they like either). These declarations only resulted in massive swagger killing and style cramping.

So, why would the online revelation that the hockey player has attached himself to a rank hag deter the puck bunnies from their prerogative? Contrary to popular belief (and the belief is only popular due to the overwhelming amount of people that seem to think that when a hockey player has been linked romantically or sexually to a woman, who isn’t his rank-ass hag, that she is somehow automatically the villain/slut in the transaction), most of the women and puck bunnies that have helped the hockey players to engage in their extracurricular affairs were actually misled, by the player himself, into believing that he was in fact single. I know you may be shocked, but some of these women actually abide by moral codes which would keep them from having any hand in adultery (but, even if they didn’t, the hockey player is the one with the relationship and the responsibility to his girlfriend, the girl isn’t).

The revelation of the aforementioned hockey hag via social media sites, like Facebook or Twitter, is slaughtering the new generation of puck bunnies before they have even matured. The ugly truth about the rank hag disillusions the puck bunny early on before her initial interest and budding attraction in the player develops into full blow motivation and desire. With the absence of sites like Junior Hockey Bible, and the dwindling popularity of the rumour boards, this new wave of puck bunnies is likely not as familiar with certain truths about the hockey world and the fidelity of the players. Therefore, when the young bunny comes into contact with the hockey girlfriend’s online avatar, she cannot be bothered to pursue him any further, and her attention turns back to the hottie in her fourth period history class. Wow, who would have thought that the ultimate online stalking tool would destroy the puck stalkers’ game completely? Perhaps, we have a whole new wave of monogamous hockey players about to enter the pros to look forward to! Yeah…you’re right… probably not…

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3 Responses to Facebook kills puck bunnies dead!

  1. David says:

    Sorry, I’m new to your site. Do you play, or just a rabid fan? Thanks.

  2. This was educational. I believed that puck bunnies hunted outside of locker rooms….

  3. Lucy Brown says:

    Rank ass hag is my new favorite phrase!

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