Because everyone loves a good Top 10 list, and because if I do another “romance on the road” entry, people are going to start to think I’m a skank! Happy Valentine’s Day!
# 10 Too Much Puck: there are nine NHL games scheduled for V-day in such a way that the love starved could conceivably watch four full games between lunch and bedtime! So veg out on the couch, bust out the Ben and Jerry’s, and stay there all day. I suggest: Iles@Flyers (1 PM), Oil@Kings (4 PM), Caps@Bolts (7:30 PM), and Flames@Coyotes (10 PM). I might just order some Mexican take out for two (for one) and do this myself!
#9 Kiss Cam Overload: the Kiss Cam will be earning time and a half at all of the active rinks today! While watching all the happy couples smooching may make you wish that you had something in your purse sharp enough to slit your wrists with (blasted security bag checkers!), have no fear! Lean into the cute boy sitting on your left and trick the cameraman into thinking you’re together. Once the camera is on you, you’re golden. He can’t wuss out in front of his buddies – SCORE!! It’s happened to me, it can happen to you!
#8 Warm Up: groin stretches…enough said!
#7 Five for Fighting: tired of the excessive amount of couples around the rink today rubbing it in your face that they are getting some and you aren’t? Well flaunt your sex right back at them! Pretend you’re at the Golden Banana and go rabid for those hockey fights! Annoying people is fun!
#6 Man-Fans: who needs eHarmony, find out what it feels like to be matched based on REAL compatibility on the grounds of like hockey fandom! Scour the rink and/or sports bar for a dashing young man sporting your team colours! Or, if you are of the attitude that opposites attract, then keep an eye out for enemy uniforms. Aww, think of all the hockey related teasing that will ensue! I’m picturing erotic tickle fights and scandalous game day wagers!
#5 The Following Coach Dilves: Guy Carbonneau, Craig MacTavish, Paul Maurice, and John Stevens. They give the bench that extra something-something. Raaaaaawwwwwr!
#4 Penalty Box Seats: for those of you lucky enough to have tickets to one of the V-day games, specifically in seats overlooking or next to the sin bin, then have a couple drinks and find out how funny it is to greet every penalized player with, “You’ve been a baaaaad boooooy!” (A shoulder shake is required when saying this!)
#3 Beer: for those of you who would much rather wallow in self-pity over being single on yet another Valentine’s Day, isn’t it convenient that beer and hockey go hand and hand? Have a few extra. No one will notice. Drink ‘til he’s hot! Disclaimer: the preceding activity should not be attempted by any patrons of the Air Canada Centre wishing to avoid bankruptcy!
#2 Body Checks: the players are violently pushing each other’s bodies against the boards – it’s not hard to picture naked. No…thank YOU!
#1 Single Hockey Players: the very definition of hope. (Damn you, Carrie Underwood!)
*For the record, I did not photoshop the above picture. I found it floating around MySpace, and thought it was hilarious!
