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Saturday, January 3rd, 2015

Sports Guy Trumps Hot Girl

Doha, Qatar It was the perfect night for a patio bar and luckily these things actually exist in the State of Qatar. On this particularly evening the W hotel bar was overrun with tennis players who were in town for the Qatar Open. Being surrounded by all those professional athletes in such a swanky establishment reminded me of an old life I used to have once upon a time. As I looked out over the city, I imagined that I was back in NHL Land and out on the town after a game in one of those Southern Market rinks that I love so much.

My date had made the mistake of leaving me alone to go get us another round of $20 cocktails, and naturally the single men of the Gulf were immediately trying to swoop in. I will point out that the man-quality in Doha was a vast improvement over the royal idiots who frequent the most unsavoury parts of Bahrain. They are also fairly persistent. As my date returned with my champagne and raspberry cocktail in hand, my pursuer immediately turned to him to apologize for failing to recognize that I had already been marked by another man’s scent. I remember laughing to myself about that. I mean, the guy had been annoying me, yet apologized to the person I was with instead! Anyway, once the apologies were issued and they mentally hugged it out, the dick measuring contest began. And I knew right then exactly how that evening was going play out…

You see, from past experiences, if your date ends up in one of these pissing contests, and also happens to be a sports broadcaster, your romantic evening is going to be crashed by a handful (at least) of tagalongs and new best friends. Most recently it happened to me last May in Montreal after some playoff action between the Habs and the Rangers. My broadcaster date and I were having a pretty good time, but then the plethora of sports fans descended upon us, and the evening took a much more interesting turn, but luckily still ended “happily,” if you know what I’m saying.

A passionate sports fan is always looking for the opportunity to talk game and share their crazy ideas for trades or what have you. However, the chance to voice said opinions with someone who has any sort of authority on the matter (team representative, media member, players and coaches, etc), there’s no way in hell they are passing that up – even if it means infringing on your romantic evening. It’s funny how quickly the chance to talk sport with a sports guy will make a fan forget that just a few moments ago he was aggressively trying to see me naked and do unmentionable things to that nakedness!

Luckily, having your date crashed by a sports fan is generally a lot more pleasant than having it impeded by a sports groupie. Whether you’re out with a player or a media guy, etc, the objective of the sports groupie/puck bunny is to get your date to acknowledge that he’s stupidly choosing to entertain your hag-ass when he could be going home with all of her hotness. The last time this happened to me, and my player date finally dismissed the bunny, she sent us a malicious offering of delicious dessert as if to say, “Well, if you’re going to be giving it to her later, then I hope this makes her bloated and a little bit gassy!”

On the plus side, when sports fans interrupt your date with a sports broadcaster, your date is given the golden opportunity to really shine and impress you with his PR game. He finally gets the chance to prove that he is where he is because he worked hard and knows his shit, and isn’t just a pretty face they stick in front of the camera. I know I personally hit Panty Drop Mode when my date, realizing my initial pursuer was actually a native French speaker, switched over to Francais and continued the sports discussion that way. He’s not even French OR Canadian! Whaaaat?! It could have only been hotter if he was talking about hockey instead of the inferior sport which was the subject of conversation at the time. Yep, this evening, like the one in Montreal back in May, also had a very happy ending. But you already knew that I just love to ring in a new year with a literal bang.

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