We all have our hockey songs. Songs that remind us of the warm up, or play offs, a specific team, or life on the road. Naturally, puckies would have a list all their own. This week’s Top 10 Tuesday will look at my top puck bunny jams for getting down to some serious hockey player stalking business. Once again, feel free to comment with your own nominations! P.S. In case you didn’t know, clicking on the purple links will allow you to watch the video for each song. Same goes for reading the Radio sections of my 2008-2009 Yearbook.
10. Akon – Smack That
In an ideal situation the lyrics to Akon’s Smack That would describe a hockey player’s positive reception to being stalked by a puck bunny. Essentially, this song promotes that creeping will result in endless amounts of ass smacking. Gee, I suppose puck bunnies would be completely uninterested in that (sarcasm). This song was popular around the time that I ended up on a road trip with one of the biggest (and most unsuccessful) puck bunnies I have ever met. The song reminds me of driving around various parts of Pennsylvania, and coincidentally made it onto the Philly 06-07 soundtrack. A true hockey road trip song. Key Lyrics: I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow. Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo. Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo, and possibly bend you over. Look back and watch me smack that, all on the floor. Smack that, give me some more. Smack that, ’til you get sore. Smack that, oh ooh.
Both puck bunnies and hockey WAGs alike think that they have some magic formula (or milkshake) that results in all the boys being brought to their yards. I was at the Hershey Centre the night the Guelph Storm won the 2004 OHL Championship by defeating the Mississauga Ice Dogs (yes, I am aware that the Ice Dogs call Niagara Falls home now, and that the Majors moved into the Hershey Centre). Anyway, Mississauga was one of the few OHL teams to employ the services of jailbait cheerleaders. Part way through the game, it was announced that the ice girls were going to deviate from their normal routine of jazzercise and spirit fingers to bring us a special number that they choreographed themselves. Suddenly, the intro to Milkshake boomed from every speaker in the building, and the rink was suddenly transformed into amateur night at the Jiggly Room. I’m sure all the six year olds in the audience were scarred for life. Key Lyrics: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, “It’s better than yours.” Damn right, it’s better than yours. I can teach you, but I have to charge.
When this song first came out it seemed like it was every puck bunny’s MySpace song from Anaheim to Montreal. The adulterous message in the lyrics seemed to get lost behind its “lovely” sentiments. Now this song seems to be most popular with cougar puck bunnies and scary billets who believe that it’s the perfect accompaniment to mood lighting and a seductive slow grind with a pool cue in their worn out, off-the-shoulder Def Leppard t-shirt. Any hockey players, who find themselves home alone with their billet moms, should strongly consider running out of the house if they hear this modern ballad sounding from the master bedroom. Either that, or they should get excited and consider doing their I’m-going-to-do-it jig. Key Lyrics: And I never wanna say goodbye, but, girl, you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel.
7. Pussy Cat Dolls – Don’t Cha
Single hockey players are hard to come by, and so puck bunnies are almost always in competition with the evil, fake, and fake boobed hockey wives/girlfriends. Essentially, puck bunnies know that not only are they way hotter than the WAGs, but are probably way better in bed. I find this hard to believe as some hockey girlfriends are known to have sex tapes (with OTHER athletes – ouch, feel bad for that hockey player) floating around the Internet. A puck bunny can dream, can’t she? Key Lyrics: I know you want it (I know you want it). It’s easy to see (it’s easy to see). And in the back of your mind you know you should be home with me. Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don’t cha, don’t cha? Alternate Song: Dragonette – Competition
6. Nickelback – Something in your Mouth
The first time I heard this song I was driving through a deadly storm headed to Boston for what would turn out to be my last game as a Flyers fan, and the beginning of an eleven day road trip. It reminded me of the minor league puck bunnies that used to occupy entire rows at American Hockey League rinks with uniform red lollipops in fist. I was at an OHL game five years ago, and there was a puck bunny sitting in front of us who was determined to try to seduce the home team’s bench by seductively sucking on a Jolly Rancher. She made a big production of insisting that she had to have the RED Jolly Rancher, but to her embarrassment the candy ended up falling out of her mouth and hitting the glass behind the bench – major whoops! I’m not gonna lie, this song makes my ass shake to the max. And since my hips are double jointed, that’s quite the force to be reckoned with. The last time I heard this song at a game was at the Prudential Center when the Coyotes were in town. I couldn’t restrain myself. You’re welcome, New Jersey. Key Lyrics: You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out. ‘Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.
5. The Police – Every Breath You Take
Puck bunnies are stalkers. That’s all you need to know. Sure, they know that they are stalkers, but they don’t like to hear it out loud. If you want to ensure that your testicles stay attached to your body, then don’t EVER accuse a puck bunny of “chasing” a hockey player. Whenever this ultimate stalking song comes on the radio, the puck bunny will either shy away from it, or completely identify with the lyrics and wonder how The Police were able to understand the inner workings of her soul. Some call it stalking, I call it love. Key Lyrics: Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. Every single day. Every word you say. Every game you play. Every night you stay. I’ll be watching you.
FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT SONG!!!! Puck bunnies and hockey girlfriends both embrace this song and throw it back in the others’ faces because both parties are certain that the other group has unsavoury gold-digging motives for getting at the hockey gods. “I’m not a gold digger, I LOVE him for who he is (when he’s buying me things and taking me to Paris).” It’s my sneaking suspicion that both groups enjoy this song as one of their guilty pleasures because it is satisfying for them to think that they are somehow flying under the radar. I’ll admit this is another surefire ass shaking song on my end. Key Lyrics: 18 years, 18 years. She got one of yo’ kids, got you for 18 years. I know somebody payin’ child support for one of his kids. His baby momma’s car crib is bigger than his. You will see him on TV, any given Sunday. Win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai.
3. Michael Jackson – Dirty Diana
Speaking of gold diggers, Dirty Diana is the ultimate groupie song, and so you definitely cannot have a puck bunny playlist without it. Thought I was going to go with Billie Jean, did ya? Just listen to the lyrics. How is this not about every puck bunny you have ever met? Coincidentally, this is my favourite Michael Jackson song of all time. It’s also the best Michael Jackson song of all time! What, wanna fist fight me on it? SLASH, baby! That’s all I have to say. Key Lyrics: She waits at backstage doors for those who have prestige, who promise fortune and fame – a life that’s so carefree. She’s saying that’s ok, hey baby, do what you want. I’ll be your night lovin’ thing. I’ll be the freak you can taunt. And I don’t care what you say. I want to go too far. I’ll be your everything, if you make me a star.
2. Dragonette – I Get Around
My ultimate road trip theme song with a double entendre! Dragonette’s Galore album has never been absent from one of my NHL road trips since the 07-08 hockey season. One of my most exciting moments was when I heard the song being played at the Bell Centre when the Flyers were in Montreal. You can imagine how I physically reacted. Naturally, I *only* identify with this song on the basis that I am the Carmen Sandiego of the National Hockey League and literally get around. Of course, you can see how this song might work for some of the more successful (and diseased) puck bunnies out there. Key Lyrics: 9 AM in your bedroom. The radio alarm clock is set for soon. I know you friends and you know mine too. You don’t tell on me, I won’t tell on you. I get around.
1. Blondie – One Way or Another
The most essential puck bunny anthem. One Way or Another is both creepy in its lyrics and in the way they are preformed. It’s the perfect chase music for following the team or a player around after a game or practice. Come on, the song even talks about stalking the bus – you can’t get much more puck bunny than that. Last season, the band playing at the Flyers Wives’ Carnival performed this song. It made me laugh, then shake my ass. Key Lyrics: One way or another, I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha. One way or another, I’m gonna win ya. I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha. One way or another, I’m gonna see ya. I’m gonna meetcha, meetcha, meetcha, meetcha. One day, maybe next week .I’m gonna meetcha. I’ll meetcha. And if the lights are all out, I’ll follow your bus downtown, see who’s hanging out.
Bonus Track: Lady Gaga – Paparazzi
I’m your biggest fan. I’ll follow you until you love me. Papa-paparazzi. Baby, there’s no other superstar. You know that I’ll be your papa-paparazzi.
