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Top 10 Tuesday Category

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Glorious Google Hits.

Over the nine months that Psycho Lady Hockey has been up and running, I have had thousands of Google hits from all over the world. After filtering through the standard searches for me, Sean Avery, and the Phoenix Coyotes’ wives, some of the more abstract keywords really make me laugh. This week’s Top 10 Tuesday lists some of my favourite Google searches that have led the unsuspecting Internet user to my precious blog. If any of these hits are from you, then you are to be commended on your tremendous web browsing skills, and you should feel proud that you made my list this week! Enjoy!

10. Gongshow huge lipper.
Landing Page:
Main Page
Hey there, Tier II hockey star! Killing time after curf with the old Internet machine, eh? Here’s your Surgeon General’s Warning

9. The world’s biggest tittiest.
Landing Page:
All Star Games are the anti-Viagra.
Not here, buddy! I don’t have implants.

8. Old lady shakes finger at Flyers Penguins game.
Landing Page:
Philadelphia (Days 1 & 2): Toronto is not a state!
This came up a few times. Did I somehow miss this during the game?

7. I have a bunny skin on my head.
Landing Page:
Hockey fan or puck bunny? The answer is skin deep.
I’m happy for you…*clap clap*

6. What hockey players have you slept with?
Landing Page:
Down the Rabbit Hole: Puck Bunny Quiz
Who was this person even asking? If they aren’t 30 goal scorers, why bother bragging?

5. Do the psychics say Balsillie gets the Coyotes?
Landing Page:
May Archive
Well, I know what my psychics say about it, but I’m going to keep that to myself for now WINK!

4. How can I get lady for sex without money?
Landing Page:
Will NOT have sex for carbs or money!
Hmm…even hand lotion costs money. Guess you’re screwed, and not in the way you’d like to be.

3. What to do about underage puck bunny?
Landing Page:
Main Page.
My blog got a surprising amount of jail bait related Google hits. Guess online predators really do exist! P.S. Look how cute the bunny is!! He’s just small!

2. Does Taylor Pyatt sleep with puck bunnies?
Landing Page:
Main Page
Back off, bitch, he’s mine! Just KIDDING! I wouldn’t sleep with him, I’d just SNUGGLE with him! Re: #1

1. Why do hockey players have blue balls?
Landing Page:
When your friends don’t like hockey…
Yes, I am the reason.

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Hockey lookalikes.

It’s that time of the week again! As mentioned on last night’s episode of the PredsOnTheGlass radio show, today’s Top 10 Tuesday lists some of the most distinct hockey lookalikes. I think I probably could have made a Top 30 Tuesday for this entry, so I will have to revisit this topic again on another week – perhaps, Top 10 Tuesday: Hockey players that look like stuff? Anyway, as usual, feel free to comment with your own suggestions! Enjoy! P.S. I was too lazy to actually do a good job when making the comparison pictures. This shouldn’t surprise you.

10. Daniel Briere & Jack White
When I was searching for a picture of Briere to use for this list, I found a lookalike photo comparing him to Paul McCartney. You wouldn’t think it, but they DO look alike! Anyway, I always thought Danny looked like Jack White, so that’s what you get!

9. Mats Sundin & J-Roc
You know what I’m saaaaayin’??

8. Mark Messier & Jim Balsillie
I know you don’t want to believe it out of spite over the Coyotes, etc, but the resemblance is there!

7. Dany Heatley & Turd Sandwich
I was going to go with Giant Douche, but he looked more like the Turd Sandwich; must be the hair.

6. Scott Hartnell & Oggie Oglethorpe
Fear the fro!

5. Mike Ricci & Fabio
I can picture him on the cover of the next Danielle Steele, can’t you?

4. Gary Bettman & The Penguin
I can’t be the only person who has thought about this uncanny resemblance!

3. Wanye Gretzky & Princess Diana
I have always thought that these two looked alike, but I was pleasantly surprised to hear a Sabres fan at the Coyotes game last season yelling, “Gretzky looks like Princess Di!” Finally! I’m not the only one! Don’t lie, you see it, too!

2. This Guy & Man Meat
Well, I can’t hide it now that I was outed on POTG last night. Anyway, apparently, Google doesn’t have any images to support “man-stallion” as a keyword.

1. Daniel Sedin & Henrik Sedin
So, I took the lazy man’s out! Wanna fight about it?

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Most memorable hockey jams.

YAY, another music related Top 10 Tuesday! To clarify, this is the Top 10 list of SOME songs that I most associate with my hockey experience for whatever reason. Give me a break, I can’t control what my mind associates with random music. This is not a list of essential hockey songs or even essential road trip songs. This list doesn’t even mention some of the albums I never leave home without like, Guns N’ Roses (Appetite for Destruction), Metallica (black album), Kings of Leon (Only by the Night), Kanye West (Graduation), Nirvana (Unplugged in New York), Heart (The Essential Heart – didn’t see that one coming, did you?), just to name a few. You also won’t find bands that you are guaranteed to hear at the rink like Stompin’ Tom Connors, or, for Toronto fans, Nickelback to no end. Enjoy!

10. Chris Isaac – Wicked Games

In high school, normal people sit in class and pass notes to each other, but my friends were not normal people. My friends used to sit in class and draw pictures and make up “spicy stories” about the local junior hockey team. Between periods, they’d catch me in the hallway or by the lockers and give me their latest creations. I really don’t know what the motive behind these pictures was. Anyway, years later, living in Toronto, I was going through a box of my old trophies and awards, when I came across a blue folder. In it were dozens of pictures, and stories, and even a homemade flag that the girls had made for me back in grade eleven. Rereading the stories made me laugh because in some of the steamier scenes music was used to set the mood. Wicked Games by Chris Isaac was the most popular choice, but other tracks included, George Michael (Father Figure, Careless Whisper), and Smashing Pumpkins (Ava Adore, Eye).

9. Border Cross/Country

Back in the day, we used to have this tradition that involved us insuring that country music was on the second we crossed the border into the States for our hockey road trips. Not sure why, but I think as 19 year olds we reasoned that country music is American, and we were in America. Usually we played Gretchen Wilson’s Here for the Party, but eventually Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy (Big and Rich) became a popular choice, and even made it on to the Philly ’07 soundtrack. Which reminds me of a text conversation I had with my mom while I was in Calgary. Me: I see cowboys! Mom: Don’t save any horses.

8. Def Leppard, Hysteria

Back during the NHL Lock Out I had to resort to supporting the next best thing in the American Hockey League. On a trip to Cleveland, Ohio to see the, then, Barons take on the Milwaukee Admirals at the Quicken Loans Arena, I was already beginning to burn through my list of people willing to go on hockey trips with me. I had to resort to scouting from the bottom of the barrel, and by that I mean I had to take my sister (that’s right, Alex!). She was still in elementary school at the time, and in her Japanese phase. Thus, she would only listen to odd metal from Japan and nothing else. She even listened to it on her iPod while she miserably watched the hockey game – who does that!? (She had only come along because she wanted to go shopping.) Naturally, being the older sister, I had to make it my mission to irritate her mercilessly during the entire five hour car ride. This involved me fully blasting Def Leppard’s Hysteria while dramatically singing along and busting out the finest upper body dance moves you’ve ever seen. If that didn’t annoy her enough, I deviated from Def Leppard every once in a while to play My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas, and ONLY My Humps! Fave Tracks: Women, Pour Some Sugar on Me, Armageddon It

7. Justin Timberlake, Future Sex/Love Sounds

Justin always seems to be in the car whenever I need to flee a situation. Initially, this album reminds me of fleeing Nashville in a great haste after an unpleasant evening locked away (in fear) in my hotel room, after a would-be John attempted to do God-knows-what to me for a(hopefully very large) fee re: Will NOT have sex for carbs or money! I think it was in my attempt to make myself feel better after such a startling night that made me turn to Mr. Timberlake’s music until Nashville disappeared in my rearview mirror. Coincidentally, SexyBack seems to be the theme song to all of my hockey related dramas and shady activities. Fave Tracks: FutureSex/LoveSound, SexyBack, Chop Me Up

6. A Night at the Roxbury soundtrack

There was a time when this soundtrack never left my car. This was the time before I started flying to my further games, and would find myself driving for twelve plus hours overnight. Generally, I would listen to poppy, fun music when I needed to stay awake. Now I’m just so used to not sleeping that I could really listen to anything and be wired for weeks. One night around four AM, while we were en route to Milwaukee for an Admirals game, we approached a toll booth somewhere around Chicago with the soundtrack blaring. We were all really hyper! I’ll never forget the look on the toll worker’s face when he saw what appeared to be a skuzzy, mobile dance club pulling up to his window. Fave Tracks: This is Your Night, What is Love?, A Little Bit of Ecstasy.

5. Britney Spears, Blackout

Like most people, the first time I heard Blackout I thought it sounded like monotonous garbage. However, my friend insisted that it was actually good, and forced me to listen to it non-stop during a November 2007 road trip to Philadelphia. I have to admit that I quickly became addicted to Britney’s crazy period album, and am instantly reminded of the Flyers and life on the road the second I hear it. Consequentially, all Philly roadies were tag lined It’s Philly, Bitch after that trip (re: Gimme More). I even have a humourous misheard lyric from her song, Toy Soldier, that I cannot for the life of me sing correctly. The line is, “I’m like a fire bottle bustin’ in your face.” Except I don’t hear “fire bottle,” I hear “Flyer.” I know, so vile, right? Anyway, my co-pilots have also noticed that I drive faster when this song is on, and put the song on repeat whenever I have to hightail it to a game. Fave Tracks: Toy Soldier, Break the Ice, Gimme More, I Got A Plan (Get Naked), Perfect Lover (uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huuuuuuh)

4. Bush(X), Sixteen Stone

Sixteen Stone is one of those amazing albums that you completely forget about until you stumble upon it while going through your old CD collection. Back when Bush first began, they had copyright problems in Canada because a Canadian band named Bush already existed. For years, Bush was known as Bush X in Canada until the other band allowed them to have the name just prior to the release of their third album. I don’t know about you, but I personally think Bush X is WAY more bad ass, but whatever. I don’t know if it’s worth anything, but my copies of Sixteen Stone and Razorblade Suitcase have Bush X on them. Anyway, back to hockey. This album has left one of those vivid imprints on my memory that immediately makes me recall driving around Detroit (Big Beaver Road *Beavis and Butthead laugh*) for my very first NHL solo roadie to see the Preds take on the Red Wings in 2006. I was really nervous for that game, and the fact that I was by myself. It was another one of those big moments that changed the way my game was played forever. Fave Tracks: Everything Zen, Comedown, Little Things, Machinehead, Glycerine.

3. Avril Lavigne – Girlfriend

On our inaugural trip to Philadelphia, my friend made a two disc compilation in honour of the momentous occasion. The playlist included a variety of gems from Dick in a Box to Layla. However, she also included a few tracks that irritated me to no end like the one mentioned above. After our first game at Wachovia Center, we somehow found ourselves lost and on a continuous circuit around the airport. My friend decided to taunt me with Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend which only contributed to the irritation level of the situation. It became the driving equivalent of circus music. Every time I saw the exit, I would miss it for some ridiculous reason. I quickly changed the lyrics to “Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your airport! No way, no way, I think you need a new one!” After spending a good forty-five minutes trapped around the airport, Avril’s terrible song is probably the first song I think of when I remember my time in Philadelphia. P.S. How did I manage to miss this song in Top 10 Tuesday: Puck bunny music at the office?

2. Super Cool Junior Hockey Gangsta Mix

Growing up in Kitchener there are really only two things to do if you are underage – hang out at the Tim Horton’s and go cruising up and down King Street. Our post Rangers game tradition involved walking over to Timmy Ho’s on Ottawa, grabbing a hot chocolate and a toasted coconut donut, then heading out for a drive around town with the windows down and the “tunes” blasting! Of course, in high school, the only music worth blasting is intrusive “deep thug” (I coined that term). Such tracks included: Xzibit (Get Your Walk On), 50 Cent (In Da Club, If I Can’t), Nelly (Pimp Juice, On the Grind), Ludacris (Game Got Switched I hate it when there are too many rookies, not enough pros!, Southern Hospitality), Cam’Ron (What Means the World to You), N.E.R.D (Lap Dance), etc. We would occasionally change up the pace and throw on a couple Nsync slow jams (This I Promise You) to embarrass ourselves. On one evening of post game cruising, we were being followed by another car which turned out to be carrying none other than the players themselves! Back then I was never one to back down from a challenge to race. That was before Ontario approved immediate loss of licence for reckless speeding, and I realized my whole hockey livelihood would be at risk! Needless to say, I smoked ‘em.

1. Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head

Milwaukee was my very first non-OHL road trip, and being a massive event for the future of my hockey addiction, its soundtrack is the most memorable. At the time, I was listening to a lot of Coldplay. That was long before the band started to irritate me with their new stuff – ugh, Viva La Vida and other douchey songs that make me want to slit my wrists. I do like Violet Hill, though. Anyway, Coldplay’s album, A Rush of Blood to the Head makes me immediately remember driving around the Brew on my off night in town while a massive snowstorm was just beginning (we ended up getting three feet that night). I can still see the snow swirling around on the pavement as if I were there right now in the dead of January. Perhaps, my memory of this night is so vivid for another reason. Maybe it was a foreshadow to my life that I’m supposed to remember. The night before, I saw my first game at the Bradley Center. The Admirals were taking on the San Antonio Rampage (now affiliated with the Phoenix Coyotes). The night after this incident, I saw my second and last game of the trip wherein the Ads played host to the Hamilton Bulldogs. Do you see the connection? I guess we’ll know more about this by week’s end! Fave Tracks: A Rush of Blood to the Head, The Scientist, Warning Sign.

Bonus Track: Arctic Monkeys – Do Me A Favour

It’s the beginning of the end. The car went up the hill and disappeared around the bend. This song was the overall theme song from the 08-09 hockey season. I was listening to it a lot after Christmas when I knew that I was going to switch teams to Phoenix at some point in the near future. Other awesome tracks by the Arctic Monkeys: 505, Teddy Picker, Still Take You Home, Dancing Shoes, Mardy Bum

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Nice things I could have if I wasn’t addicted to hockey!

I think a lot of hockey fans like to throw the term “hockey addict” around without really being at the addict level. An addiction is a problem. Like drugs or alcohol, it is difficult to control without help or intervention. For me, hockey is pretty much everything. I live for my next game. The waiting period between road trips often feels like limbo. I’m home, but I’m not really here. During my entire university career, hockey came before school, and pretty much everything else. Hockey is my loving husband, but he’s also the insensitive prick that teases me then keeps me waiting by the phone hoping that he’ll finally call me. I really believe that someday I will need to appear on Intervention in order to get over my cravings for puck. Perhaps some of you thought that I was joking when I called myself Psycho Lady. Anyway, with this entry I decided to put a monetary value on my hockey addiction. Ready? Brace yourself, here it comes! In the 2008-09 hockey season, I spent an estimated THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on my hockey misadventures! OK, now that you’re completely disgusted, here’s my Top 10 Tuesday list for things I could buy if I wasn’t addicted to this wonderful game.

10. 2010 Toyota Prius

I’m sure the very first thing that came to your mind when I dropped the $30K bomb was that I could have bought a car with that. Trust me, I’ve been VERY aware of that fact for a very, very, very long time – particularly while I was car shopping this off season, and realized that I could have had a much nicer car if I didn’t have this life controlling addiction. Anyway, in the $30K price range, we have not just any car, but a virtuous third generation, industry leading hybrid. Of course, the catch 22 is that there is no point in having a fuel efficient hybrid, if you aren’t packing on the miles from taking her on far too many hockey road trips. Sorry, environment, this is one sacrifice I’m just not ready to make.

9. Law School Tuition (4 Semesters)

On another note, I could have used this money to expand my mind and my career. $30K would have covered my tuition for two years at Osgoode Hall Law School (one of the top, if not the top law school in Canada – alright, York U, we’ll give you this one!) Of course, hockey (being an addiction and all) pretty much screwed up any chance I had of furthering my education. Perhaps, I should have gone to class once in a while instead of spending my SIX (ahem) university years at hockey rinks across the continent (oops, and let’s not forget Switzerland – I was right in the middle of exams for that genius move*tee hee*).

8. Scandalous Vacation Avec Pool Boys

Check out this place! $30K would get me two weeks accommodation in the P-I-M-P penthouse at Las Ventanas al Paraiso in Los Cabos, Mexico for me and the two of the most scantily clad pool boys and/or struggling actors/waiters. I’d go alone, but you know…I need someone to keep me company while I’m having my Stars and Sea massage.

7. Oodles of Plastic Surgery

My major discovery making this Top 10 list was learning that plastic surgery is actually pretty affordable. No wonder so many trash bag 20 year old, wannabe bikini models are able to get work done. Anyway, if I had saved my money from the 08-09 season alone, I could have undergone every necessary procedure needed to get boys to like me, including the fake boobs, lips, lipo, and botox. Plus, I’d still have enough money left over to keep a steady supply of peroxide on my roots for four years. See, I should have just done this, then bagged myself one of those idiot implant-totting hockey players so that I’d have unlimited hockey tickets for the rest of his career. BAH! Sometimes I just don’t think things through…

6. Licence to Stalk the Jonas Brothers

It’s hard for me to think of a life that didn’t involve me traveling from town to town stalking my favourite hockey team. So, let’s say I traded in my hockey tickets for something similar…like tickets for the Jonas Brothers’ concerts (cue 12 year old giney tickling scream). OK, this wouldn’t be my “band” of choice to stalk, but I’ve heard a lot of crazy stories about mothers taking their tween daughters all over the States trying to meet the Jonas Brothers. Anyway, last season’s hockey expenses would exchange for about 90 tickets to see the Jonas Brothers, or any major artist, perform live. P.S. If you didn’t get the “giney tickling” reference, then I am deeply saddened and disappointed in you.

5. Lap Dances and Chicken Wings

Mmm… I *heart* chicken wings…and mens (no, really, I said “mens” there.) $30K would buy me an endless supply of the spiciest chicken wings, and 500 lap dances from the finest man-strippers working the VIP floor at The Golden Banana. Yeehawwww!

4. Keeping the Ocean Safe

With the money I spent on hockey last season, I’d be able to save the day in all three Jaws movies by paying that Quint guy off to kill the great white. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for hire after the first one, but whatever. $30K will get me “the head, the tail, the whole damn thing” three times over.

3. Living the Good Life in the Trailer Park
If TV has taught me anything, it’s that the trailer park is a pretty awesome and happening place. To put things in perspective, not only could I have afforded to buy a car last season, but I could have also bought a home. According to my half-assed research, my hockey money could have bought me the trailer as well as lot fees for three years! Maaf*ck, you know what I’m saaaaaaaaaayin?

2. 2010 Harley Davidson CVO Fat Bob (with the hellfire flames…yessss!)

Ohhh, baby! I think this one needs no explanation! Vrooooooooom! Now I’m sad, damn those pesky Coyotes!

1. Charitable Goodness

On a more serious note, I could have made significant global strides if I gave my dirty hockey drug money to a prominent charity. I used to work for UNICEF Canada, so I’ll plug them a little here. A $30K donation to one of UNICEF’s global relief programs can provide emergency health kits with medical supplies and drugs to cover the basic health needs of 750 people for a year, or 3000 people for three months! Think of the children! So…do I have any volunteers to be my sponsor at Hockey Addicts Anonymous, yet?

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Hockey player pick up lines.


Alright, so I almost forgot about Top 10 Tuesday, but I managed to crank out a half assed puck bunnyish list three hours before Wednesday in EST. This week’s list covers my top picks for pick up lines used by hockey players. The quotes I’ve listed below are real life, verbatim pick up lines that I have heard over the years. So, don’t blame me if you think these lines are totally lame – I didn’t make them up!

10. “You have to come watch me play.”

Have you ever seen the movie The Tao of Steve? The movie explains that any guy, even the George Costanza type, can attract any woman should he have the chance to exhibit his excellence or talent in front of her. Enter the hockey player. Unfortunately, it’s not usually the REAL hockey players that use this line; it’s usually the former AAA Bantams, playing out their careers in men’s rec. Maybe I’m just mean, but as someone who goes to NHL games for a living, why would they think that I would be interested in watching this snooze fest? Playing, maybe, but definitely not watching.

9. “My ex girlfriend is the same age as you.”

This one is for the junior hockey youngsters out there. Have you ever noticed that there are a lot of coincidences in junior hockey? Like, the hockey player who is currently pursuing you magically broke up with his ex at the same time that you broke up with yours? Yeah, that means it’s a lie, and that their mega healthy relationship is probably still going on. The same goes for that rookie player who is trying to get in your pants when you’re the same age as the over-agers! Of course he’s going to tell you that his former girlfriend was the same age as you, so you won’t feel like the Mayor of Slumsville that you so obviously are!

8. “Do you need tickets for tonight’s game?”

This is the hockey player’s attempt to own you. Some guys buy you flowers and dinner, hockey players attempt to wow you with the tickets that they get for free – cheap bastards! If you are too weak to pass up the tickets (I’ll admit that it’s my personal variety of crack), then be prepared for the follow up request of “payment.”

7. “I like your picture.”

Those of you that read my book, Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies will know that puck bunnies usually track down their prey online. That being said, it doesn’t take much more than a decent profile picture to get the attention of the hockey genus. Puck bunnies everywhere should strongly consider getting a few glam shots taken in their pursuit of hockey related copulation. The fleshier the pictures, the better.

6. “I was lucky enough to get my own room, so you can crash there.”

Don’t be fooled, this is not a nice gesture. One night I was out with my friend and we were bombarded with hockey players. Ten minutes later they had pumped about ten drinks into us. Suddenly, my thoughts turned to how I was going to drive home in this state. That’s when buddy here decided to chime in. Naturally, I feigned gratitude for the offer, but I wasn’t stupid drunk yet. Right away he got excited and whispered, “So…when do you want to go?” Umm, we were in the bar for all of fifteen minutes at that point. Easy there, tigre. (That wasn’t a typo, I said “tigre” – it’s French) P.S. I feel like I’ve told you this story before…

5. “You can Google me.”

Remember your NHL Draft day? The day that made you feel like the sky was the limit? That you could be hoisting the Stanley Cup within the year if you played your cards right? Well, now you’re in your fourth season in the A, and nothing is going your way. You have never played an NHL game, and never make it past the second cut in training camp. Poor thing. How is the hockey dud supposed to pick up the puckies? Naturally, he has to lie. He has to prey on the know-nothing puck bunnies in hopes that they are too stupid to notice that he’s never been on the roster. Naturally, Google is his only friend, as his prospect pictures will come up and prove to her that he is worth a damn.

4. “You and me sex? I flight next week.”

We Canadian hockey fans love to believe that our nation is what makes this game great. Yeah, it probably is, but let’s not forget some of the European countries that have contributed greatness to the league and the Hockey Hall of Fame – the Russians, the Czechs, the Swedes, the Finns, etc. What would our game be like without them? Unfortunately, off the ice, these guys have little in terms of skill. This has a lot to do with the fact that there is no room for subtly where the language barrier is concerned, as you can plainly read.

3. “I didn’t get a goal tonight, but I feel like I could score right now.”

OK, you got me! I’ve never actually heard this pick up line; so much as I’ve fantasized about it. I BET you’d love to know who skated into my dreams with this cheesy line!

2. “Do you drive?”

Here’s another helpful hint for the junior hockey groupie. Want to know the secret to finding out if a junior hockey player likes you, or, at least, likes your picture? If he does he will ask you if you drive or have a car. This means that he is already assessing your ability to get to him as soon as his billets fall asleep, so that he can sneak away with you into the scandalous darkness of a nearby, abandoned parking lot. Well done!

1. “I play hockey.”

One of the most common Canadian pick up lines used by both hockey players and non! In this country, if you play hockey, it means that you are entitled to something, and by “something,” I mean p****! You’d be surprised how often this works…not on me…but on many. For further examples, check out: Since when did, “I play hockey” become a pick up line?

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