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puck bunny Category

Sunday, July 12th, 2009

CASTING CALL: Pro hockey players needed to appear in a series of short films.


After the recent success of the resurrection of Down the Rabbit Hole, I am teaming up with producer Jay Gold (Hardcore Hockey Talk, UP2DATE –The Score Television Network) to produce a series of short films on the various misadventures of my beloved puck bunny. We need interested professional hockey players in the Toronto area (or willing to be in the Toronto area for filming over the off season) to star in each episode. Not to worry agents and PR people, the films do NOT cover unsavoury topics such as drugs, alcohol, or sex – think Wile E. Coyote vs. the Roadrunner. Filming will begin in a matter of weeks once casting has been sorted out, and will not last more than a day or two. Interested players or their representatives may contact Jay or I via Psycho Lady Hockey at psycholadyhockey@hotmail.com.

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Women love hockey fights? No kidding (sarcasm).


In light of the recent Garrett Klotz incident that has sparked debate about fighting in the future of hockey, the FAN590 released a statistic showing that the most popular demographic for the enjoyment of fisticuffs is female spectators between the ages of eighteen and thirty. Apparently, this wasn’t an obvious fact?

It seems the hockey fan majority, the men, seem to think that the rough stuff can only be fully appreciated by a y-chromosome and excessive amounts of Testosterone. I remember back in my WWE days, grades seven through nine, I could not understand why it was the guys in my class that liked wrestling. Let’s see, wrestling entails a bunch of big men, greased up, jumping on each other while wearing speedos…hmm. Can someone please tell me what the guys are getting out of that? It’s the same thing with UFC, though I have to admit there is nothing more unattractive than two men kicking each other (unless, of course, it’s Chuck Norris delivering a clean round house to the face!). So, when a bunch of hockey stars start sweating, and shoving, and punching with chests heaving, is it really that surprising that the women are the first ones to jump out of their seats, panties in fist?

Perhaps the shock generated among men from the release of this statistic is just more evidence that they really don’t understand women. First of all, women go crazy for violence and brutality, but there is obviously a time and a place, and a grungy speakeasy after fifteen beers is not it. The hockey rink provides a safe haven for the players to demonstrate their masculinity and brute strength without ending up on an embarrassing episode of Cops.

Women also use the fights as a way to enhance their sexual fantasies about the players. He’s a beast on the ice, but ever so tender with her in the boudoir – sound familiar, ladies? Or for some: rough on the ice, rough in bed. Either way – HOT. Not to mention that the number one puck bunny fantasy is to witness two players fighting over her in combat – seems almost medieval and romantic, doesn’t it? Sure, women may say they don’t like to date men who are prone to jealousy, but, like I said, there is a time and a place for everything. And let’s not forget what other female instinct is activated during these brawls –the maternal nurturer. If the player gets injured in battle, the tendency is to want to take care of him and nurse him back to health. Once healthy, he will be so grateful that he’d have no choice but to marry her on the spot – duh!

Also, from a more practical standpoint, hockey fights provide a way for the puck bunnies (that have not really learned the rules yet) to engage in the game. There are really only two events in hockey that cue the puck bunny for a reaction. The first is a goal, and the second is a fight. Of course, puck bunnies are predominately concerned with how they are being perceived during the game, so naturally they will jump on anything (that’s what she said) to show that they understand what’s going on.

So, for all you men out there that were surprised that it was the female fans that were going crazy for hockey violence, I hope that I have opened your eyes to the truth. Disclaimer: fighting and violence should not be used as a way to win the heart of a lady hockey fan if you are not playing hockey. Don’t try this at home.

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009

Hockey fan or puck bunny? The answer is skin deep.


Every female hockey fan has been mislabeled with this epithet at some point or another. Many find themselves wrestling with the term for the majority of their young lives. So why are some women regarded as puck bunnies while others are not? I have personally been on a mission to get to the bottom of this conundrum for the last eight years of my life. Finally, at eighteen, I produced a book which I had hoped would answer the question, but even now I feel that it has only begun to crack the surface of the puck bunny realm. In university, I went on to write linguistic and semiotic anthropology papers on the use of ‘puck bunny’ in language. This process shifted my focus from the what, the why, and the who, to the how. How are puck bunnies identified and perceived in the public sphere? Today I will try, once again, to shed new light on the subject.

One of the first problematic variables in deciphering this equation is the fact that a black and white definition of ‘puck bunny’ just doesn’t exist. To the vast majority of society, a puck bunny is simply a girl who is not interested in the game of hockey, but follows it, regardless, for less admirable reasons. The assumption is not necessarily that this puck bunny gets involved with the players, but that she does not have the capacity to understand sports and is, thus, at the arena because she either A)wants to look like she knows sports to be more appealing to men, or B) thinks the players are cute. It is a commonly held sexist viewpoint that women don’t know sports. “Don’t know” meaning “can’t know.” I don’t know how many times men have tried to talk over my head about sports to my male companions who were completely sports illiterate. It is infuriating! I’m also sure part of this misogyny is rooted in jealousy that women have the chance to experience hockey players on a more intimate level. Of course, then there are those that assume ‘puck bunny’ is the girl that “gets with” the players, or, in the very least, tries.

Self-proclaimed puck bunnies have different standards outlined in their definitions. While I was researching my book, I discovered that ‘puck bunny’ didn’t really exist as a singular entity. I uncovered nearly twenty different varieties of puck bunnies – some were guys! I now regard ‘puck bunny’ as a spectrum with two very definite extremes. The first extreme can only be described as (commonly) young girls that follow the game intensely because they have innocent crushes on the players. It is unfair to say that any puck bunny is not a sincere fan of the game. Chances are they spend more time, money and energy on the game than the average man-fan. Anyway, besides the odd attempt to get their pictures taken with the players of their choosing, these bunnies do not seriously seek a greater relationship with them.

The other extreme is home to the dirty puck bunnies. Once again, this is an EXTREME, not a set definition. These are the women that seek sexual relationships with any and every player. Although, you might be looking for these girls at the rink, truthfully they do the most damage away from the game. These are the “party girls” that go to the same bars and clubs as all the players with the hopes of getting free drinks and the chance to check another player off of their hit list. While this puck bunny claims that she is a wild child and that she can do the deed with no strings attached, she is quite often scorned when her physical relationships do not turn romantic. Essentially, these are the girls that daddy didn’t love.

Both extremes deny the authenticity of the other. The “nice” extreme claims that puck bunnies are girls that just admire the players from afar. They describe the other group as a “bunch of whores.” The “angry” extreme claims that one can’t be a real puck bunny without a track record to back it up. They often chastise the other end of the spectrum for being “little girls.”

So this is all well and good on an inner level, but on an external level all bets are off. Self-proclaimed puck bunnies and non-puck bunnies have the same difficulty with misrepresentation. Puck bunnyness has superficial tags associated with the title. These tags extend well beyond the simplistic, such as the presence or the absence of a hockey jersey or big floppy ears. ‘Puck bunny’ carries with it assumptions of age, gender, race, weight, and physical attractiveness. If I asked you to picture an NHL level puck bunny chances are you’ve immediately imagined a thin, attractive, woman in her early twenties. In your mental image, is the woman blonde? Chances are she is. Let me ask you another question, is she white? Part of this psychological association has to do with the use of ‘bunny.’ Immediately, one associates ‘bunny’ with the Playboy Corporation, and so, bleach blonde stripper-esque models are the poster children for the entirety of this group.

So unattractive puck bunnies are able to maneuver around the hockey rink without being detected, while attractive hockey fans are being ridiculed – doesn’t seem fair, does it? Often stupidity is associated with physical beauty, and so women, who already have a disadvantage at being taken seriously in sports, jobs, society in general, are burdened even more by being aesthetically appealing.

A friend of mine, who is also a hockey player, had joined a facebook hate group against women that didn’t wear hockey gear at hockey games. This group, which was run by a pair of overweight, glittery make up wearing teens, claimed that female hockey fans weren’t real fans if they wore a “nice shirt” and, essentially, if they weren’t ugly. Tell that to all the corporate clientele that pass through the Air Canada Centre. If women aren’t allowed to wear “nice shirts,” then certainly men should be forbidden to wear suits! Naturally, I had to ream my friend out for joining that group. I gave him the standard, “so I have to put a bag over my head, get fat, and spill mustard all over myself before I step foot in a hockey rink?” He left the group immediately.

Which brings me to the last question, “What do hockey players think of puck bunnies?” What I have come to understand is that hockey players generally regard puck bunnies as a bad thing. Even though, it takes two to tango, if you get my drift. Hockey players only reserve the term for women that have fallen out of favour with them. As long as he wants you, you’re not a puck bunny. Hockey players in general are idiots about women. They date women that “don’t like hockey” because they believe that women that do like it are just using them for their money – because hockey fans are the only people that know how much hockey players make, right? Too many pucks to the head.

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

Is that a groundhog in your pocket?


So, Phil the groundhog of Punxsutawney, PA may have seen his shadow today, thereby predicting another grim six weeks of winter, but luckily for all of you vacation starved, frost bitten, -21o celsiused, fellow northeast divisioners, I have a more accurate measure for predicting the impending spring. I call it the “Hot for Hockey Players” condition, a hormonal swing in the female hockey fan’s biological make up that occurs when the weather begins to get warmer.

Have you ever noticed that once the snow begins to melt the attractive male population on campus triples? Or that an army of cute boys suspiciously moves into your building every year around March? No, no, you didn’t have snow blindness – they were around all winter long, you just didn’t want them. Why? Because Mother Nature didn’t kick in and make you a breeding machine, that’s why.

Female hockey fans tend to notice this swing earlier than most. All season long we sit around the rink cheering for sweet passes and booing the linesmen, but after the All Star Break something changes. Suddenly, hockey fights become more exciting, and some would say, erotic, we start to notice the hockey players’ faces and skate sizes instead of just the numbers on the back of their jerseys, and our hometown enforcers, with their toothless grins and black eyes, start to creep into our dreams on a nightly basis. Enforcers and the majority of hockey players are probably the ugliest bunch of guys (next to UFC fighters, of course) on the planet, so falling for them requires a significant hormonal hike. I’m sure if you’d ask the likes of Tie Domi and Mike Ricci, they’d tell you that they got the most ass coming down the final stretch of the regular season!

Now I know what most of you guys out there are thinking, “real hockey fans don’t check out the players only puck bunnies do.” So before I castrate you, I will just say this: love the game as we do, you can’t fight biology. If you really think that any woman watching a group of forty guys sweating and shoving each other is NOT going to take a minute and at least assess the talent, then you are either incredibly stupid, or one of those double standard douche bags. I’ll be sure to keep this in mind when I question the authenticity of your passion for beach volleyball in the off season.

So, is spring coming soon? I vote: yes, yes! And what better way to celebrate than by checking out tonight’s Anaheim match up against Paul Gaustad… I mean Buffalo. Oopsies! See, it’s practically spring already!

*The preceding blog entry should not in any way be considered medical or scientific fact.

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009

All Star games are the anti-Viagra.


I watched maybe ten minutes total coverage of the NHL All Star festivities last weekend. My feeling is, if you’ve seen one All Star game, you’ve seen them all. Don’t get me wrong, all the 2009 NHL All Stars deserve “mad props” for their wicked hot skills, but that doesn’t mean I want to watch them float around on the ice for two and a half hours.

All Star games offer three things: high scoring, low to no penalties (Komisarek’s hooking penalty was the first penalty called in an ASG in nine years!), and massive egos. Maybe I’m just an all around horrible person and detest seeing other people happy, but there is something deeply unattractive about grown men skating around with their noses turned up and pompous ha-ha-ha, country club smiles on their faces. Where’s the passion?! Where’s the intensity?! I want more Testosterone – am I right, ladies?

It’s not JUST All Star players that turn me off, it’s pretty much any type of special event teams that make me wish that I was cleaning gutters, doing calculus, or having unnecessary surgery instead of sitting in my seat. This past summer, the Kitchener Rangers were hosting the 2008 Memorial Cup. Part of the celebrations included a Mem Cup Alumni Game (all the alumni from Rangers squads that have made it to the Cup were invited). My friend and I thought it would be fun to check out this game for nostalgic reasons, and relive our days of hanging out at Tim’s and cruising up and down King street to the likes of Nelly, 50, and even a few NSYNC slow jams. After all, we were there front row centre when Kitch made it to the Mem Cup in 2003.

The novelty of the Rangers Alumni game wore off about five minutes into the warm up. After that it was a lot of country club “ha,ha,has,” “My name is David Clarkson and I just missed that shot …silly me!,” “Mike Richards, you turkey, you poked me with your stick,” “Oh, pardon me, Derek Roy, ha, ha, ha!,” and the nauseating like. Thank God, they never stopped the clock at any point in the game. I couldn’t have taken much more of that. Plus, the Aud smells like threatened virginity, and I was finding it unsettling to be in there *shudders.* However, the major highlight of the afternoon was the group of forty-something cougs sitting in the same row as us. They were clearly the product of the Rangers’ 1982 Mem Cup wave. As I watched them hoot and holler like a bunch of horny fifteen year olds on birth control pills, I wondered if I was seeing my future twenty years down the road. Let’s hope not, I’m not such a fan of the Croc Rock scene!

Maybe for some, attending the ASG festivities is exciting, but I have attended one All Star weekend and I didn’t find it anymore thrilling. Once was enough. It almost seems unfair that the league’s crème de la crème are forced to spend their break at the ASG. If you ask me, the real reason for the All Star Break is to give the players a chance to warm up and take the sluttiest, fake tittiest “girlfriend” they can find to some tropical island for a little “R and R.” Seems to me like the All Stars are being punished while the mediocrity are basking in the glow of fake boobs and fake tans. That’s justice for you.

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009

Avery Suspended: Bettman proves hockey players are not the only celebrity whores in the NHL.


Originally posted on Myspace/Facebook Decemeber 5th, 2008

OK! Sean Avery is the most *publically* hated guy in probably the entire sport of hockey. He is always saying and doing outrageous things both on and off the ice. Even I recall wagging my finger at him in a “game’s over there” kind of manner due to the freshness of the Jason Blake incident in Toronto last November. And for those of you that know me and my career past with Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment Ltd, you’ll know that defending anything in the blue and white is not a common or an easy practice for me. So that’s saying a hell of a lot.

Avery has repeatedly made racist comments and comments that are *actually* detrimental to the league and other players, yet he has never received harsh punishment for his shocking actions. However, on Tuesday morning, Avery finally opened his mouth and said something that made me stand up and applaud! He referred to his former girlfriend, talentless actress and puck pig extraordinaire, Elisha Cuthbert, as his sloppy seconds making reference to the string of NHL (celebrity whores) players, that she has (screwed) dated since the two broke up. The league decided to respond claiming that these comments are detrimental to the league and game of hockey. YEAH, OK! Sure they were, Betsy. Avery was suspended for six games and must undergo an anger management evaluation, seems a bit steep considering he got nothing for his more off-colour commentary in the past.

At the heart of this sentence is proof that the players are not the only celebrity bunnies in the National Hockey League. Bettman seems very concerned with how Miss (i-have-an-ass-on-my-face) (i-can’t-act-i-was-playing-myself-in-The Girl-Next-Door) Cuthbert will retaliate to these comments. Do you think if Avery had made these comments about a non-shiny ex-girlfriend that he’d receive any kind of slap on the wrist? Not likely. He’d receive kudos from his teammates for calling that girl the puck bunny-pig that she is and that would be that.

TSN sports analysts, former hockey players with apparent newfound degrees in Women’s Studies, attempted to defend the Commissioner’s decision to suspended Avery by calling his comment “misogynistic” and abusive to women. As a woman, and as many women I have spoken to about this issue have agreed, this is not an offensive statement. AT ALL. Quite simply, this is not a term used exclusively for women, and, thus, not sexist. What I find offensive is that the league feels it is their duty to protect the interest of this hockey whore swine (for God’s sake the beast dates anyone: Avery [the reptile], Komisarek [the day walker], and Phaneuf [the lame special ed. mule]) over its own players. So Mr. Bettman has once again made a fool of himself by not acting on things that deserved to be punished, and being too severe with poor Avery in defense of she-man Cuthbert. Bravo! I’m sure Georges Laraque, Jason Blake, Jarome Iginla, and the many French-Canadian players in the league feel that justice has been served.

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