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Monday, August 10th, 2009

When your friends don’t like hockey…

I’m sure that for the average man-fan, having non-hockey friends is both rare and unproblematic apart from the occasional disagreement over which sports bar to attend. However, for the female lover of the game, having non-hockey enthused girl friends can cause a lot of unnecessary drama. I’m obviously not one to shy away from the term “puck bunny,” or throw it around loosely, but when your friends don’t like hockey, and are still anxious to attend games with you, then you obviously know what they are about. Here are some of the craziest/weirdest situations I have been exposed to as a result of having friends that don’t like hockey.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they cry when you get good seats.

Back in high school, when I was first starting to go to hockey games without my sports-obsessed uncle, I recruited any and every one of my friends willing to try the game on for size. After one visit the girls were hooked. Let’s face it, it’s hard to keep good Catholic school girls away from sweaty teenaged boys. After a few games we decided to buy our tickets for the next game directly from the box office. Sure enough, our seats improved. One of my friends was so excited that she cried, “I haven’t been this excited since I got Backstreet Boys tickets!”

When your friends don’t like hockey…they chase hockey players around in their high school kilts!

Eventually, the hockey drama got the better of my high school group of friends, and a season later we weren’t friends anymore. This largely had to do with the fact that they started very odd stalking habits. One particular gem was that they would travel across town to the team’s high school during lunch in hopes that the guys would see them in their kilts. If you think Catholic school girls don’t know that you fantasize about them in their kilts, you’d be wrong. They know. They all know. I’m not sure if the players ever saw this, but they tried again the night of the high school formal, and showed up for the warm up complete with up-do’s and glitter make-up.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they peer pressure you into dating rookies!

This happens a lot. Like I said, when your friends don’t like hockey, they obviously just like the hockey players, and will do anything to get on their good side. For some reason, I tend to be the bait. I’m the one that knows enough about the game to legitimize the other girls’ reasons for being there. Ideally, I’m supposed to “get them in.” However, sometimes their plan backfires, and the player that they are chasing turns around and declares an interest in yours truly. I don’t know about you, but if a guy that knew I was after him turned around and asked me to hook him up with my friend, after I tore his throat out, the last think I’d be doing is trying to pressure my friend into dating him. Not so where puck bunnies are concerned. I can honestly say that the only peer pressure I ever experienced growing up was from my “friends” trying to force me to like hockey players that I didn’t like. Apparently, the entire team would be mad at them if I didn’t date certain guys – riiiiight.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they wear low cut shirts to hockey games!

Well, of course they do! You have to flaunt the assets during the mating game. Unfortunately, this can cause problems if you have seats behind the bench of your favourite team, as it will inevitably distract your boys. If you have a friend like this, then it’s a good idea to plan in advance and buy tickets on the opposing side. You can make money by betting the trend that your friend’s boobs will cause the team in closest proximity to lose. (Seriously, it’s sure fire!)

When your friends don’t like hockey…they want to know which players are hot in advance!

Back during the NHL Lock Out, I decided to finally check out the AHL. My friend (a non-hockey lover) and I wanted to plan a road trip together. She wanted to go somewhere with frat boys, and I wanted to go somewhere with hockey. I nominated Milwaukee since they were the defending Calder Cup Champions – and that was the extent of my knowledge of the Milwaukee Admirals. My friend asked me which players were hot. I told her I didn’t know who played on the team, as I had never seen the team play before. Before agreeing to buy tickets, she needed to see the roster. So, I found the Ads’ website and I showed her. She found one or two that she thought were alright – we all know how unflattering hockey pics are, right ladies? Anyway, by the time we saw the warm up for our first game in town, she declared that they were all hot, and she would bang any of them. (I love their reactions to their first hockey games!) After that her new motto was, “What happens in Wisconsin, stays in Wisconsin.”

When your friends don’t like hockey…they make you risk your life trying to give their number to possible convicts!

While on my way to a hockey game, my non-hockey friend saw a hot guy driving beside us. She was trying to get his attention then finally wrote down her cell number and tried to pass it to him on the I-69! I had to do some fancy driving to accomplish this, but after some near collisions, we decided to all get off at the next exit. The guy pulls up beside us and my friend gives him her number. He looked at the area code strangely. “It’s Toronto….Canada” she told him. “Oh…Canada? I’m not allowed in Canada.” I just about died of laughter, and my friend’s facial expression was a combination of both shock and sheer terror. She stuttered some excuse for us to get going again, as she was internally speculating on what this guy could have done to be banned from our country. As we got back on the interstate, she said very seriously, “I hope he doesn’t call me.” However, an hour or so later she was flirting with another car.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they assault Nashville Predators!

One of my friends had a huge crush on one of the Nashville Predators. I don’t need to say which one. Anyway, she saw him waiting for the bus before one of his games, and she decided she was going to talk to him. She has a military-type upbringing, and so she doesn’t just walk, she trudges – and it’s very intimidating even though she’s such a small person. Anyway, she was trudging toward him. And I will never forget the look on his face when he saw her trudging at him. He was scared. I was running after her. I imagine a slow-motion “Noooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooooo!” coming out of my mouth. But I was too late. She got to him first. No, she didn’t talk to him, she JUMPED on him. He was even more scared. I got in there quickly trying to make up some reason for her assault, and tried to smooth things over. It worked. I let them talk for a bit, but then the bus showed up. I tried to get us out of there, but she’d have none of it. To my horror, the players started coming out to the bus and they were all smiling with those knowing smiles, like they knew what we were up to. @#$%! Anyway, the greatest line of the story was when she told the guy her name and he got it wrong, to which she just said, “Yeah, you can call me whatever you want” hahaha!

When your friends don’t like hockey…they make you declare embarrassing things at the border!

When your girl friends don’t like hockey, they tend to only buy merchandise to reflect their fondness for the hotness of their favourite players. On a trip to Grand Rapids, the Griffins were having a clearance sale and selling year-old expired team calendars for ninety-nine cents. There were a few babe-shots of my friend’s favourite player working out, so she decided to buy one. Later that night, crossing back into Canada, I announced to the border guard that she had purchased an old calendar for a dollar because she thought one of the guys was cute. The border guard laughed, but my friend got defensive. She leaned over and tried to justify her actions to the guard, “He’s Canadian, he’s from Toronto!” The border guard gave her a weird look and said, “Does that make it right? I don’t know.” Haha! It’s still one of my favourite border guard lines ever!

When your friends don’t like hockey…hockey players sleep in your bed and you had no idea they were there!

On a very crazy road trip filled with angry wives and all kinds of goodness, the girls and I retired back to our hotel room after a night of dinner and dancing. However, one of the players decided to follow us. I fell asleep while they were webcaming to some other player. Anyway, the next morning, the girls kept asking me if I slept well. I kept saying, “Yes.” And they both looked really disturbed. Finally, one of them told me, “Umm, you do know that buddy slept in your bed last night, right?” I had no idea at all. Immediately, I was both disturbed and concerned. I tend to hold on to things in my sleep.

When your friends don’t like hockey…you end up in hotel rooms with half naked hockey players!

Girls that like hockey players tend to be very good at making connections. Hanging out with them will certainly result is weird situations. For some reason, this tends to include being up way too late in hotel rooms the night before game day. In this particular situation, my friend was interested in one of the guys, so she didn’t want to leave his side, even though he was clearly passing out on the bed. Please notice the disgust on my face – what’s behind that towel?

When your friends don’t like hockey…you end up being nicknamed, Blue Balls!

The infamous All-Star weekend 2007! Imagine what would happen if you are of the attitude that hockey players are gods and you don’t deserve to be in their presence. Well, the puck bunnies I was with on this particular weekend were so intimidated by the players that they were too insecure to do their “seductive” dancing where the hockey players could actually see them – even though the goal was to actually have the players see them. I, on the other hand, am always dancing. If you see me at a game, I’m dancing. In the car, I’m dancing. In the grocery store, I’m dancing. So, I didn’t see a need to run away with some of the other girls, and since I wasn’t scared of the players, I didn’t stutter and run off whenever they talked to me. Anyway, since I was nice to them, apparently the guys let their imaginations get carried away, and my nickname that weekend was Blue Balls (allegedly). HA! Not my problem! I suppose there are worse nicknames to have.

When your friends don’t like hockey…you’re better off going to the game alone and making new friends that do!

Posted in Hockey Players, hockey fans, puck bunnies, road trips | 4 Comments »

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

D-Listers and the hockey players who wear them.

Kellie Pickler has written the new theme song for scorned puck bunnies everywhere. Allegedly, Pickler trashes her former boyfriend, Nashville Predator Jordin Tootoo, in her song/music video, Best Days of Your Life. This song gives hope to all small-minded puck bunnies that automatically give up their pursuits when the hockey player of their dreams becomes romantically linked with a moderately famous individual. Of course, not all puck bunnies are this stupid. I’m mostly referring to the type that frequent the rumour sites and make comments like, “his new girlfriend actually has a career of her own which makes her better than all of us.” Apparently, careers are only worth something if it puts us in front of a camera. Apparently, we are bad people and failures as individuals if we have never wanted to be on T.V. Anyway, for those of us that know how to think, seeing through the D-lister/hockey player union is pretty easy. This entry will analyze some of the most notable shiny relationships around the NHL. I will be doing a surprising amount of name-dropping for someone who has never once purchased a gossip magazine in her entire life.

We’ll begin with our first set of implants, Kellie Pickler. According to Miss Pickler’s lyrics, Jordin Tootoo threw away the best days of his life by cheating on her. But how can this be?? How could a FAMOUS person get cheated on??? (Sorry, that was me playing the role of the moron-bunny). Here’s how. Is Kellie Pickler not a person? Perhaps you are forgetting that her claim to fame was not a pitiful run on American Idol, but rather an embarrassing stint on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader, in which she announced that Europe was a country and that the capital of Hungary is France. Do you think that if you were this dumb, that your boyfriend wouldn’t cheat on you, let alone dump you? Plus, she doesn’t have the face for it to be OK to be a “dumb blonde.” Obviously, as most people would in this circumstance, Tootoo thought he could get away with it – and who knows how long he was actually getting away with it. What I find more disturbing was not so much that a “famous” person could be cheated on, but rather that one of the most notable NHL tough guys allegedly did this: *clears throat to start singing* “And does she know, know about the times you used to hold me, wrap me in your arms and how you told me I’d be the only one?” PUKE! Unfortunately, by writing this VERY original song, it is obvious that Kellie is not over the whole thing, and that her brief stint as a Preds girlfriend was actually the best days of HER life.

Moving on to the Alyssa Milano of the National Hockey League, Elisha Cuthbert. Elisha is a terrifying example of the Canadian puck bunny turned celebrity. Miss Cuthbert exerts her minor-league fame on what appears to be any and every NHL hockey player she can. You will notice that the common trend in the land of hockey player/celebrity relationships is that the celebs are typically of the D-List variety and that the hockey players are generally not superstars. Elisha Cuthbert has done so little as of late in the acting department, that she is becoming more known for her NHL exploits than anything else – not that she’s ever really contributed to anything worth a damn anyway. She has been romantically linked to Sean Avery, Mike Komisarek, Dion Phaneuf, and who knows how many others. Ok, so Dion Phaneuf is one of the best D-men in the league, but perhaps you are forgetting that he also looks like a mule. Luckily for Elisha, her shiny D-list status allows her to get around the NHL where the non-celebribunny would surely fail.

Before returning to our list of celebriwhores, we will pause a moment to honour Sean Avery. Avery is the poster child for the hockey player/D-lister relationship. Sean Avery is probably the most notable active NHLer in the world, as he often makes trashy mag headlines based solely on the minor celebs he nails. Playing for LA was the worst thing that could have happened to Sean because once he got a taste of what it feels like to date a celebrity, he couldn’t get enough. Avery goes from minor celeb to minor celeb, as this will make him a big name player where his mediocre hockey skills and poorly thought out on-ice antics could not. Arguably, Avery uses D-listers as a beard for both his hockey career and possible small penis. I can’t confirm this, but if the small penis buzzer is going to go off at any time during this entry, it’s right now. Come on, he even dated one of those creepy Olsen twin aliens.

Back to the D-list. Hilary Duff is another prime example of the failing celebrity desperate for publicity. With a Disney career that is almost always short-lived and doomed by adulthood, Duff discovered that she won’t be able to play a high school student in a G-rated TV series forever. Likely she became poverty stricken the day that Billy Ray Cyrus met with the Disney execs for the first time. Duff grabbed onto the first NHL player, Mike Comrie, who didn’t have a problem dating a teenager despite the fact that he was in his late twenties at the time – creepy much? Yeah, it is. Since then, Hilary has contributed little to the entertainment industry, and instead prefers to bask in the glory of the Wives’ Lounge. Furthermore, Comrie fits the description of the hockey player seeking D-lister notoriety because he is unhappy with himself for not becoming a household name on his own. He is known to lavish expensive gifts, such as, new cars on his D-list queen, and probably jets her off to beaches around the world whenever he can – seems like he feels that he needs to keep up with her lifestyle. Silly boy, real women will still love you even if you give them homemade love coupons. Do you hear something? Sounds like the small penis buzzer is going off again.

Next up we have our list’s only B-lister. Carrie Underwood is currently in the prime of her career, and has bagged the handsome Mike Fisher to boot. Unfortunately, we can’t forget that Underwood also comes from blue collar American Idol origins, and is already known to have dated other athletes. Multi-sport celebribunny? Technically, where southern country music fans are concerned, Carrie downgraded when she went from an all American football star, Tony Romo, to a Canadian hockey player in Ottawa. She is currently known as the poor man’s Jessica Simpson.

Of course, on occasion, the league’s crème de la crème also bag celebriwives of their own. Yet, even the Great One can’t seem to use his hockey fame to land anything more than the star of home workout videos. However, Mike Modano’s wife, Willa Ford, is practically a non-Lister. Willa’s claim to fame was her one hit wonder, I Wanna Be Bad, which was digitally altered to the point that she could have been mistaken for one of The Chipmunks. Unfortunately for Willa, her hit song came slightly premature of the slut movement of 2002. At the time that Mrs. Modano was being bad, her superiors (Britney and Christina) were still playing the virgin card. Since then, Willa has flashed her implants around any sleazy men’s magazine that would have her. Sadly, Willa is only 28 years old, yet she resembles a 48 year old that has had far too much plastic surgery. You really have to feel for Mike Modano. By the time his wife actually turns 40, he would have paid for so much plastic surgery only to be screwing this every night: What, too soon? Let that be a lesson to all of you that think that tanning is good for you.

Other Non-listers and further examples of low-intellect hockey players prizing body over substance are the Playboy Bunnies and female sportscasters. Both parties are women consumed with what they look like, and surely have the same Willa-fate as mentioned above. Both girls dream of being models and admired for their appearance. Unfortunately, their raunchy/stubby exterior and implants keep them from ever being considered by a serious modeling agency. Sportscasters are the variety that couldn’t cut it in Playboy, and had to turn to small-time T.V. broadcasting to land a notable hubby. Female sportscasters are always featured in the sidelines giving interviews because they don’t actually know enough about sports to make it onto the panel. These women are notorious for dating athletes, however, the relationships don’t often become public news because the relationships can’t really work and are usually just @#$%ing. For the hockey players sad enough about their careers to actually date a sportscaster, the details of the relationship will be all over the internet, as this bunny will actually have people write articles about the relationship, and will Twitter their every move as a couple to the point that you wish someone would stab her in the eye and mutilate her tweeting hand. It’s amazing what effects silicone and a bottle of peroxide will have on those of dim wit.

Play me out, Kellie.

Posted in carrie underwood, celebrity hockey wives, elisha cuthbert, hilary duff, kellie pickler, puck bunnies, willa ford | 7 Comments »

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Women love hockey fights? No kidding (sarcasm).

In light of the recent Garrett Klotz incident that has sparked debate about fighting in the future of hockey, the FAN590 released a statistic showing that the most popular demographic for the enjoyment of fisticuffs is female spectators between the ages of eighteen and thirty. Apparently, this wasn’t an obvious fact?

It seems the hockey fan majority, the men, seem to think that the rough stuff can only be fully appreciated by a y-chromosome and excessive amounts of Testosterone. I remember back in my WWE days, grades seven through nine, I could not understand why it was the guys in my class that liked wrestling. Let’s see, wrestling entails a bunch of big men, greased up, jumping on each other while wearing speedos…hmm. Can someone please tell me what the guys are getting out of that? It’s the same thing with UFC, though I have to admit there is nothing more unattractive than two men kicking each other (unless, of course, it’s Chuck Norris delivering a clean round house to the face!). So, when a bunch of hockey stars start sweating, and shoving, and punching with chests heaving, is it really that surprising that the women are the first ones to jump out of their seats, panties in fist?

Perhaps the shock generated among men from the release of this statistic is just more evidence that they really don’t understand women. First of all, women go crazy for violence and brutality, but there is obviously a time and a place, and a grungy speakeasy after fifteen beers is not it. The hockey rink provides a safe haven for the players to demonstrate their masculinity and brute strength without ending up on an embarrassing episode of Cops.

Women also use the fights as a way to enhance their sexual fantasies about the players. He’s a beast on the ice, but ever so tender with her in the boudoir – sound familiar, ladies? Or for some: rough on the ice, rough in bed. Either way – HOT. Not to mention that the number one puck bunny fantasy is to witness two players fighting over her in combat – seems almost medieval and romantic, doesn’t it? Sure, women may say they don’t like to date men who are prone to jealousy, but, like I said, there is a time and a place for everything. And let’s not forget what other female instinct is activated during these brawls –the maternal nurturer. If the player gets injured in battle, the tendency is to want to take care of him and nurse him back to health. Once healthy, he will be so grateful that he’d have no choice but to marry her on the spot – duh!

Also, from a more practical standpoint, hockey fights provide a way for the puck bunnies (that have not really learned the rules yet) to engage in the game. There are really only two events in hockey that cue the puck bunny for a reaction. The first is a goal, and the second is a fight. Of course, puck bunnies are predominately concerned with how they are being perceived during the game, so naturally they will jump on anything (that’s what she said) to show that they understand what’s going on.

So, for all you men out there that were surprised that it was the female fans that were going crazy for hockey violence, I hope that I have opened your eyes to the truth. Disclaimer: fighting and violence should not be used as a way to win the heart of a lady hockey fan if you are not playing hockey. Don’t try this at home.

Posted in Hockey Players, female hockey fans, hockey fans, hockey fights, puck bunnies, puck bunny | No Comments »

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

Top 10 reasons to be a single gal-fan on Valentine’s Day!

Because everyone loves a good Top 10 list, and because if I do another “romance on the road” entry, people are going to start to think I’m a skank! Happy Valentine’s Day!

# 10 Too Much Puck: there are nine NHL games scheduled for V-day in such a way that the love starved could conceivably watch four full games between lunch and bedtime! So veg out on the couch, bust out the Ben and Jerry’s, and stay there all day. I suggest: Iles@Flyers (1 PM), Oil@Kings (4 PM), Caps@Bolts (7:30 PM), and Flames@Coyotes (10 PM). I might just order some Mexican take out for two (for one) and do this myself!

#9 Kiss Cam Overload: the Kiss Cam will be earning time and a half at all of the active rinks today! While watching all the happy couples smooching may make you wish that you had something in your purse sharp enough to slit your wrists with (blasted security bag checkers!), have no fear! Lean into the cute boy sitting on your left and trick the cameraman into thinking you’re together. Once the camera is on you, you’re golden. He can’t wuss out in front of his buddies – SCORE!! It’s happened to me, it can happen to you!

#8 Warm Up: groin stretches…enough said!

#7 Five for Fighting: tired of the excessive amount of couples around the rink today rubbing it in your face that they are getting some and you aren’t? Well flaunt your sex right back at them! Pretend you’re at the Golden Banana and go rabid for those hockey fights! Annoying people is fun!

#6 Man-Fans: who needs eHarmony, find out what it feels like to be matched based on REAL compatibility on the grounds of like hockey fandom! Scour the rink and/or sports bar for a dashing young man sporting your team colours! Or, if you are of the attitude that opposites attract, then keep an eye out for enemy uniforms. Aww, think of all the hockey related teasing that will ensue! I’m picturing erotic tickle fights and scandalous game day wagers!

#5 The Following Coach Dilves: Guy Carbonneau, Craig MacTavish, Paul Maurice, and John Stevens. They give the bench that extra something-something. Raaaaaawwwwwr!

#4 Penalty Box Seats: for those of you lucky enough to have tickets to one of the V-day games, specifically in seats overlooking or next to the sin bin, then have a couple drinks and find out how funny it is to greet every penalized player with, “You’ve been a baaaaad boooooy!” (A shoulder shake is required when saying this!)

#3 Beer: for those of you who would much rather wallow in self-pity over being single on yet another Valentine’s Day, isn’t it convenient that beer and hockey go hand and hand? Have a few extra. No one will notice. Drink ‘til he’s hot! Disclaimer: the preceding activity should not be attempted by any patrons of the Air Canada Centre wishing to avoid bankruptcy!

#2 Body Checks: the players are violently pushing each other’s bodies against the boards – it’s not hard to picture naked. No…thank YOU!

#1 Single Hockey Players: the very definition of hope. (Damn you, Carrie Underwood!)

*For the record, I did not photoshop the above picture. I found it floating around MySpace, and thought it was hilarious!

Posted in Hockey Players, Valentine's Day, female hockey fans, hockey, puck bunnies | No Comments »

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

Since when did, “I play hockey” become a pick up line?

Maybe it’s all in my head, but when I go out on the town, I seem to be a beacon for quote unquote “hockey players.” Now it’s not exactly my style to wear NHL paraphernalia while I am attempting to strut my stuff around the club district. So, visually there is no way for these men to know that I am a hockey addict (and truthfully my knowledge of the game has proven to completely annihilate their swagger at times). This means that the “hockey player” approach to scoring 101 is being used on any and every woman as a lazy attempt to get laid.

Remember the good old fashioned days when a guy would tell you he loved you and then never call you again? Remember how he tried to trick you into thinking that it was going to be all about you? Why can’t the mating process be romantic like that anymore? Now women have to deal with hot shot wannabes and Central leaguers marching up to them and saying, nay, demanding, “I play hockey! Blow me!” Like possessing a basic understanding of stick handling makes them entitled – ha! So, in the spirit of the upcoming holiday of love, I would like to take a look at a few of my favourite/worst pick up attempts from alleged hockey players.

I’d like to start by looking at the night of my twentieth birthday. I was wearing the infamous stripper shirt, and I was about five tequila shots beyond smashed. That was the night I grew out of the university drinking phase that all students go through to some degree. The hangover was so bad that I vowed I would NEVER drink again. I even went a whole year without drinking anything! And, for the most part, I have not consumed more than two or three drinks in one sitting since then. Except in Montreal this season, but that’s another story! Anyway, I was dancing (possibly on a pole), when a guy comes up to me claiming to be one of the Calgary Flames. Little did he know that I A) follow hockey, B) make good use of my Center Ice package, and C) know what this guy actually looks like. “Uhh, no you’re not.” Hahaha! He didn’t even say anything in response, he just ran away with his tail between his legs – good times.

NHL players seem to promote this kind of misrepresentation. Some of them provide their “buddies” back home with extra/old copies of their NHL cards, so that they can go around pretending to be them. Honestly, though, how stupid are some of the girls that fall for this? “Oh you play hockey in Nashville? Well, it makes total sense that you are in northern Alberta in the middle of February then!” *unbuttons shirt*

More recently, this past January, I was out with a couple of my girl friends when a group of “hockey players” approached us and helped themselves to the empty seats at our table. The ringleader was the stereotypical hockey wannabe. He was wearing a hockey lace around his wrist because it was from a “team I was on that made it really far in the playoffs – third, no, second in the country!” Make up your mind, junior! Of course, I had to respond with, “If you ain’t first, you’re last!” He didn’t appreciate this comment, though he did get the reference. He then went off spewing some bull about being drafted by the Toronto Maple Leafs in the seventh round and that he was playing on scholarship somewhere in the States. Not only was this guy NOT drafted by the Leafs, he didn’t even play for that school. If you’re going to lie about being a hockey player, then at least pretend that you play somewhere good, like buddy did at my birthday party!

The funny thing about this guy was that it seemed like he had this whole thing rehearsed with one of his wingmen. At one point the second guy chimed in with, “You were smarter than I was (for getting a scholarship), I shouldn’t have played in the O.” (OHL players cannot play in the NCAA). OK, I don’t even know where to begin with this self proclaimed major junior hockey star. The wingman can only be described as the nonthreatening type – a lover of poetry with a passion for crash diets, puppies, and MTV reality dramas. There was no way! There was just no way!

At one point, my friend heard the ringleader say to his friends, “I want to take these broads upstairs!” OK, Junior Hockey Bible, what exactly did you think you would accomplish on the upper level of the bar? Apparently, he thought there was a “d-floor” (dance floor) up there and he wanted us to “hit” it. Uh, no, I’m afraid this Olde English pub is lacking the standard disco ball and strobe lights – that’s a shame. Moving on.

So, I probably seem like a total bitch that shoots down any guy that comes near me, and that’s just not true. Along the way there have been real hockey players /non-liars that I don’t ridicule because they are who they claim to be. Even if some of their attempts were also lame, it’s just not as interesting because they aren’t posing. The fact that this constant posing exists, and, moreover, that it works, is just more proof of the magnitude of hockey culture. And for the record, I did let one guy get passed (eventually – I’m not some bar hussy). He was not a hockey player by my definition; meaning he didn’t play in a league that paid him enough money to not require off season employment. But he was lip bitingly gorgeous – a combination of Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Paul Walker only way hotter. I even blurted out “WOW, YOU’RE CUTE!” when he first came over to talk to me. Oh, boy.

Anyway, back to the posing. I have also seen this occur in non-scoring situations. While I was working for Maple Leaf Sports, I was assisting the Promo Team at a sales event they were doing in Oakville, ON. An eighteen year old kid peacocks his way over to us claiming that he’s too good to play in the AHL and that he’s going straight to the NHL. Did I mention he was eighteen, and the draft was seriously THAT day! I started drilling him on certain things, and the stuttering began. He claimed to play for the Ottawa 67s, and when I asked him his name he hesitated and ran away. I don’t need to tell you that he wasn’t anywhere to be found in the Hockey DB! He kept walking by all weekend waving at us like he was the hottest shizzz that ever lived. So hilarious, but not the first time I’ve witnessed this either.

Fake hockey players are popping up all over internet communities like Facebook and MySpace. Of course, I’ve come across several of these, but there are three that really stand out. The first was a guy who was drafted in the low rounds of the OHL Priority Selection. He never made the team and was actually playing junior C during the season. On top of sucking at hockey, he was also not attractive. So, instead of using his own pictures, he was using pictures of a renowned OHL ladies’ man – creepy, I know.

The second was a goalie who claimed to be in the Washington system, but playing in Europe. He claimed that he knew that next season he’d be playing in Washington (don’t ask me how he knew that), and that he was just in Europe for the year. By the way, this was not during the Lock Out. Anyway, he was fully trying to put me on; claiming that he was a huge football fan, and that he had seasons tickets to the Patriots, and that he flies in for the games (from Europe) if he doesn’t have a game – essentially, living the high life. Once again, not in the DB!

The third was an American Hockey League player (that’s nothing to sneeze at), that didn’t bother posting his picture online, but told the girls he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend with to “google” him! And it worked! He also was the first to lie to the girls claiming that he played for the big club, when, in actuality, he is STILL waiting for his first NHL game. *sigh* Silly boys. What would I do without you?

*The picture is of Boston Bruins forward, Blake Wheeler. Get it? Wheeler?

Posted in Hockey Players, mating game, puck bunnies | 4 Comments »

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