10. Chris Isaac – Wicked Games

In high school, normal people sit in class and pass notes to each other, but my friends were not normal people. My friends used to sit in class and draw pictures and make up “spicy stories” about the local junior hockey team. Between periods, they’d catch me in the hallway or by the lockers and give me their latest creations. I really don’t know what the motive behind these pictures was. Anyway, years later, living in Toronto, I was going through a box of my old trophies and awards, when I came across a blue folder. In it were dozens of pictures, and stories, and even a homemade flag that the girls had made for me back in grade eleven. Rereading the stories made me laugh because in some of the steamier scenes music was used to set the mood. Wicked Games by Chris Isaac was the most popular choice, but other tracks included, George Michael (Father Figure, Careless Whisper), and Smashing Pumpkins (Ava Adore, Eye).

9. Border Cross/Country

Back in the day, we used to have this tradition that involved us insuring that country music was on the second we crossed the border into the States for our hockey road trips. Not sure why, but I think as 19 year olds we reasoned that country music is American, and we were in America. Usually we played Gretchen Wilson’s Here for the Party, but eventually Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy (Big and Rich) became a popular choice, and even made it on to the Philly ’07 soundtrack. Which reminds me of a text conversation I had with my mom while I was in Calgary. Me: I see cowboys! Mom: Don’t save any horses.

8. Def Leppard, Hysteria

Back during the NHL Lock Out I had to resort to supporting the next best thing in the American Hockey League. On a trip to Cleveland, Ohio to see the, then, Barons take on the Milwaukee Admirals at the Quicken Loans Arena, I was already beginning to burn through my list of people willing to go on hockey trips with me. I had to resort to scouting from the bottom of the barrel, and by that I mean I had to take my sister (that’s right, Alex!). She was still in elementary school at the time, and in her Japanese phase. Thus, she would only listen to odd metal from Japan and nothing else. She even listened to it on her iPod while she miserably watched the hockey game – who does that!? (She had only come along because she wanted to go shopping.) Naturally, being the older sister, I had to make it my mission to irritate her mercilessly during the entire five hour car ride. This involved me fully blasting Def Leppard’s Hysteria while dramatically singing along and busting out the finest upper body dance moves you’ve ever seen. If that didn’t annoy her enough, I deviated from Def Leppard every once in a while to play My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas, and ONLY My Humps! Fave Tracks: Women, Pour Some Sugar on Me, Armageddon It

7. Justin Timberlake, Future Sex/Love Sounds

Justin always seems to be in the car whenever I need to flee a situation. Initially, this album reminds me of fleeing Nashville in a great haste after an unpleasant evening locked away (in fear) in my hotel room, after a would-be John attempted to do God-knows-what to me for a(hopefully very large) fee re: Will NOT have sex for carbs or money! I think it was in my attempt to make myself feel better after such a startling night that made me turn to Mr. Timberlake’s music until Nashville disappeared in my rearview mirror. Coincidentally, SexyBack seems to be the theme song to all of my hockey related dramas and shady activities. Fave Tracks: FutureSex/LoveSound, SexyBack, Chop Me Up

6. A Night at the Roxbury soundtrack

There was a time when this soundtrack never left my car. This was the time before I started flying to my further games, and would find myself driving for twelve plus hours overnight. Generally, I would listen to poppy, fun music when I needed to stay awake. Now I’m just so used to not sleeping that I could really listen to anything and be wired for weeks. One night around four AM, while we were en route to Milwaukee for an Admirals game, we approached a toll booth somewhere around Chicago with the soundtrack blaring. We were all really hyper! I’ll never forget the look on the toll worker’s face when he saw what appeared to be a skuzzy, mobile dance club pulling up to his window. Fave Tracks: This is Your Night, What is Love?, A Little Bit of Ecstasy.

5. Britney Spears, Blackout

Like most people, the first time I heard Blackout I thought it sounded like monotonous garbage. However, my friend insisted that it was actually good, and forced me to listen to it non-stop during a November 2007 road trip to Philadelphia. I have to admit that I quickly became addicted to Britney’s crazy period album, and am instantly reminded of the Flyers and life on the road the second I hear it. Consequentially, all Philly roadies were tag lined It’s Philly, Bitch after that trip (re: Gimme More). I even have a humourous misheard lyric from her song, Toy Soldier, that I cannot for the life of me sing correctly. The line is, “I’m like a fire bottle bustin’ in your face.” Except I don’t hear “fire bottle,” I hear “Flyer.” I know, so vile, right? Anyway, my co-pilots have also noticed that I drive faster when this song is on, and put the song on repeat whenever I have to hightail it to a game. Fave Tracks: Toy Soldier, Break the Ice, Gimme More, I Got A Plan (Get Naked), Perfect Lover (uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huuuuuuh)

4. Bush(X), Sixteen Stone

Sixteen Stone is one of those amazing albums that you completely forget about until you stumble upon it while going through your old CD collection. Back when Bush first began, they had copyright problems in Canada because a Canadian band named Bush already existed. For years, Bush was known as Bush X in Canada until the other band allowed them to have the name just prior to the release of their third album. I don’t know about you, but I personally think Bush X is WAY more bad ass, but whatever. I don’t know if it’s worth anything, but my copies of Sixteen Stone and Razorblade Suitcase have Bush X on them. Anyway, back to hockey. This album has left one of those vivid imprints on my memory that immediately makes me recall driving around Detroit (Big Beaver Road *Beavis and Butthead laugh*) for my very first NHL solo roadie to see the Preds take on the Red Wings in 2006. I was really nervous for that game, and the fact that I was by myself. It was another one of those big moments that changed the way my game was played forever. Fave Tracks: Everything Zen, Comedown, Little Things, Machinehead, Glycerine.

3. Avril Lavigne – Girlfriend

On our inaugural trip to Philadelphia, my friend made a two disc compilation in honour of the momentous occasion. The playlist included a variety of gems from Dick in a Box to Layla. However, she also included a few tracks that irritated me to no end like the one mentioned above. After our first game at Wachovia Center, we somehow found ourselves lost and on a continuous circuit around the airport. My friend decided to taunt me with Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend which only contributed to the irritation level of the situation. It became the driving equivalent of circus music. Every time I saw the exit, I would miss it for some ridiculous reason. I quickly changed the lyrics to “Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your airport! No way, no way, I think you need a new one!” After spending a good forty-five minutes trapped around the airport, Avril’s terrible song is probably the first song I think of when I remember my time in Philadelphia. P.S. How did I manage to miss this song in Top 10 Tuesday: Puck bunny music at the office?

2. Super Cool Junior Hockey Gangsta Mix

Growing up in Kitchener there are really only two things to do if you are underage – hang out at the Tim Horton’s and go cruising up and down King Street. Our post Rangers game tradition involved walking over to Timmy Ho’s on Ottawa, grabbing a hot chocolate and a toasted coconut donut, then heading out for a drive around town with the windows down and the “tunes” blasting! Of course, in high school, the only music worth blasting is intrusive “deep thug” (I coined that term). Such tracks included: Xzibit (Get Your Walk On), 50 Cent (In Da Club, If I Can’t), Nelly (Pimp Juice, On the Grind), Ludacris (Game Got Switched – I hate it when there are too many rookies, not enough pros!, Southern Hospitality), Cam’Ron (What Means the World to You), N.E.R.D (Lap Dance), etc. We would occasionally change up the pace and throw on a couple Nsync slow jams (This I Promise You) to embarrass ourselves. On one evening of post game cruising, we were being followed by another car which turned out to be carrying none other than the players themselves! Back then I was never one to back down from a challenge to race. That was before Ontario approved immediate loss of licence for reckless speeding, and I realized my whole hockey livelihood would be at risk! Needless to say, I smoked ‘em.

1. Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head

Milwaukee was my very first non-OHL road trip, and being a massive event for the future of my hockey addiction, its soundtrack is the most memorable. At the time, I was listening to a lot of Coldplay. That was long before the band started to irritate me with their new stuff – ugh, Viva La Vida and other douchey songs that make me want to slit my wrists. I do like Violet Hill, though. Anyway, Coldplay’s album, A Rush of Blood to the Head makes me immediately remember driving around the Brew on my off night in town while a massive snowstorm was just beginning (we ended up getting three feet that night). I can still see the snow swirling around on the pavement as if I were there right now in the dead of January. Perhaps, my memory of this night is so vivid for another reason. Maybe it was a foreshadow to my life that I’m supposed to remember. The night before, I saw my first game at the Bradley Center. The Admirals were taking on the San Antonio Rampage (now affiliated with the Phoenix Coyotes). The night after this incident, I saw my second and last game of the trip wherein the Ads played host to the Hamilton Bulldogs. Do you see the connection? I guess we’ll know more about this by week’s end! Fave Tracks: A Rush of Blood to the Head, The Scientist, Warning Sign.

Bonus Track: Arctic Monkeys – Do Me A Favour

It’s the beginning of the end. The car went up the hill and disappeared around the bend. This song was the overall theme song from the 08-09 hockey season. I was listening to it a lot after Christmas when I knew that I was going to switch teams to Phoenix at some point in the near future. Other awesome tracks by the Arctic Monkeys: 505, Teddy Picker, Still Take You Home, Dancing Shoes, Mardy Bum

10. “You have to come watch me play.”

Have you ever seen the movie The Tao of Steve? The movie explains that any guy, even the George Costanza type, can attract any woman should he have the chance to exhibit his excellence or talent in front of her. Enter the hockey player. Unfortunately, it’s not usually the REAL hockey players that use this line; it’s usually the former AAA Bantams, playing out their careers in men’s rec. Maybe I’m just mean, but as someone who goes to NHL games for a living, why would they think that I would be interested in watching this snooze fest? Playing, maybe, but definitely not watching.

9. “My ex girlfriend is the same age as you.”

This one is for the junior hockey youngsters out there. Have you ever noticed that there are a lot of coincidences in junior hockey? Like, the hockey player who is currently pursuing you magically broke up with his ex at the same time that you broke up with yours? Yeah, that means it’s a lie, and that their mega healthy relationship is probably still going on. The same goes for that rookie player who is trying to get in your pants when you’re the same age as the over-agers! Of course he’s going to tell you that his former girlfriend was the same age as you, so you won’t feel like the Mayor of Slumsville that you so obviously are!

8. “Do you need tickets for tonight’s game?”

This is the hockey player’s attempt to own you. Some guys buy you flowers and dinner, hockey players attempt to wow you with the tickets that they get for free – cheap bastards! If you are too weak to pass up the tickets (I’ll admit that it’s my personal variety of crack), then be prepared for the follow up request of “payment.”

7. “I like your picture.”

Those of you that read my book, Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies will know that puck bunnies usually track down their prey online. That being said, it doesn’t take much more than a decent profile picture to get the attention of the hockey genus. Puck bunnies everywhere should strongly consider getting a few glam shots taken in their pursuit of hockey related copulation. The fleshier the pictures, the better.

6. “I was lucky enough to get my own room, so you can crash there.”

Don’t be fooled, this is not a nice gesture. One night I was out with my friend and we were bombarded with hockey players. Ten minutes later they had pumped about ten drinks into us. Suddenly, my thoughts turned to how I was going to drive home in this state. That’s when buddy here decided to chime in. Naturally, I feigned gratitude for the offer, but I wasn’t stupid drunk yet. Right away he got excited and whispered, “So…when do you want to go?” Umm, we were in the bar for all of fifteen minutes at that point. Easy there, tigre. (That wasn’t a typo, I said “tigre” – it’s French) P.S. I feel like I’ve told you this story before…

5. “You can Google me.”

Remember your NHL Draft day? The day that made you feel like the sky was the limit? That you could be hoisting the Stanley Cup within the year if you played your cards right? Well, now you’re in your fourth season in the A, and nothing is going your way. You have never played an NHL game, and never make it past the second cut in training camp. Poor thing. How is the hockey dud supposed to pick up the puckies? Naturally, he has to lie. He has to prey on the know-nothing puck bunnies in hopes that they are too stupid to notice that he’s never been on the roster. Naturally, Google is his only friend, as his prospect pictures will come up and prove to her that he is worth a damn.

4. “You and me sex? I flight next week.”

We Canadian hockey fans love to believe that our nation is what makes this game great. Yeah, it probably is, but let’s not forget some of the European countries that have contributed greatness to the league and the Hockey Hall of Fame – the Russians, the Czechs, the Swedes, the Finns, etc. What would our game be like without them? Unfortunately, off the ice, these guys have little in terms of skill. This has a lot to do with the fact that there is no room for subtly where the language barrier is concerned, as you can plainly read.

3. “I didn’t get a goal tonight, but I feel like I could score right now.”

OK, you got me! I’ve never actually heard this pick up line; so much as I’ve fantasized about it. I BET you’d love to know who skated into my dreams with this cheesy line!

2. “Do you drive?”

Here’s another helpful hint for the junior hockey groupie. Want to know the secret to finding out if a junior hockey player likes you, or, at least, likes your picture? If he does he will ask you if you drive or have a car. This means that he is already assessing your ability to get to him as soon as his billets fall asleep, so that he can sneak away with you into the scandalous darkness of a nearby, abandoned parking lot. Well done!

1. “I play hockey.”

One of the most common Canadian pick up lines used by both hockey players and non! In this country, if you play hockey, it means that you are entitled to something, and by “something,” I mean p****! You’d be surprised how often this works…not on me…but on many. For further examples, check out: Since when did, “I play hockey” become a pick up line?

9. Kelis – Milkshake

Both puck bunnies and hockey WAGs alike think that they have some magic formula (or milkshake) that results in all the boys being brought to their yards. I was at the Hershey Centre the night the Guelph Storm won the 2004 OHL Championship by defeating the Mississauga Ice Dogs (yes, I am aware that the Ice Dogs call Niagara Falls home now, and that the Majors moved into the Hershey Centre). Anyway, Mississauga was one of the few OHL teams to employ the services of jailbait cheerleaders. Part way through the game, it was announced that the ice girls were going to deviate from their normal routine of jazzercise and spirit fingers to bring us a special number that they choreographed themselves. Suddenly, the intro to Milkshake boomed from every speaker in the building, and the rink was suddenly transformed into amateur night at the Jiggly Room. I’m sure all the six year olds in the audience were scarred for life. Key Lyrics: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, “It’s better than yours.” Damn right, it’s better than yours. I can teach you, but I have to charge.

8. Hinder – Lips of an Angel

When this song first came out it seemed like it was every puck bunny’s MySpace song from Anaheim to Montreal. The adulterous message in the lyrics seemed to get lost behind its “lovely” sentiments. Now this song seems to be most popular with cougar puck bunnies and scary billets who believe that it’s the perfect accompaniment to mood lighting and a seductive slow grind with a pool cue in their worn out, off-the-shoulder Def Leppard t-shirt. Any hockey players, who find themselves home alone with their billet moms, should strongly consider running out of the house if they hear this modern ballad sounding from the master bedroom. Either that, or they should get excited and consider doing their I’m-going-to-do-it jig. Key Lyrics: And I never wanna say goodbye, but, girl, you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel.

7. Pussy Cat Dolls – Don’t Cha

Single hockey players are hard to come by, and so puck bunnies are almost always in competition with the evil, fake, and fake boobed hockey wives/girlfriends. Essentially, puck bunnies know that not only are they way hotter than the WAGs, but are probably way better in bed. I find this hard to believe as some hockey girlfriends are known to have sex tapes (with OTHER athletes – ouch, feel bad for that hockey player) floating around the Internet. A puck bunny can dream, can’t she? Key Lyrics: I know you want it (I know you want it). It’s easy to see (it’s easy to see). And in the back of your mind you know you should be home with me. Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don’t cha, don’t cha? Alternate Song: Dragonette – Competition

6. Nickelback – Something in your Mouth

The first time I heard this song I was driving through a deadly storm headed to Boston for what would turn out to be my last game as a Flyers fan, and the beginning of an eleven day road trip. It reminded me of the minor league puck bunnies that used to occupy entire rows at American Hockey League rinks with uniform red lollipops in fist. I was at an OHL game five years ago, and there was a puck bunny sitting in front of us who was determined to try to seduce the home team’s bench by seductively sucking on a Jolly Rancher. She made a big production of insisting that she had to have the RED Jolly Rancher, but to her embarrassment the candy ended up falling out of her mouth and hitting the glass behind the bench – major whoops! I’m not gonna lie, this song makes my ass shake to the max. And since my hips are double jointed, that’s quite the force to be reckoned with. The last time I heard this song at a game was at the Prudential Center when the Coyotes were in town. I couldn’t restrain myself. You’re welcome, New Jersey. Key Lyrics: You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out. ‘Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.

5. The Police – Every Breath You Take

Puck bunnies are stalkers. That’s all you need to know. Sure, they know that they are stalkers, but they don’t like to hear it out loud. If you want to ensure that your testicles stay attached to your body, then don’t EVER accuse a puck bunny of “chasing” a hockey player. Whenever this ultimate stalking song comes on the radio, the puck bunny will either shy away from it, or completely identify with the lyrics and wonder how The Police were able to understand the inner workings of her soul. Some call it stalking, I call it love. Key Lyrics: Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. Every single day. Every word you say. Every game you play. Every night you stay. I’ll be watching you.

4. Kanye West – Gold Digger

FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT SONG!!!! Puck bunnies and hockey girlfriends both embrace this song and throw it back in the others’ faces because both parties are certain that the other group has unsavoury gold-digging motives for getting at the hockey gods. “I’m not a gold digger, I LOVE him for who he is (when he’s buying me things and taking me to Paris).” It’s my sneaking suspicion that both groups enjoy this song as one of their guilty pleasures because it is satisfying for them to think that they are somehow flying under the radar. I’ll admit this is another surefire ass shaking song on my end. Key Lyrics: 18 years, 18 years. She got one of yo’ kids, got you for 18 years. I know somebody payin’ child support for one of his kids. His baby momma’s car crib is bigger than his. You will see him on TV, any given Sunday. Win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai.

3. Michael Jackson – Dirty Diana

Speaking of gold diggers, Dirty Diana is the ultimate groupie song, and so you definitely cannot have a puck bunny playlist without it. Thought I was going to go with Billie Jean, did ya? Just listen to the lyrics. How is this not about every puck bunny you have ever met? Coincidentally, this is my favourite Michael Jackson song of all time. It’s also the best Michael Jackson song of all time! What, wanna fist fight me on it? SLASH, baby! That’s all I have to say. Key Lyrics: She waits at backstage doors for those who have prestige, who promise fortune and fame – a life that’s so carefree. She’s saying that’s ok, hey baby, do what you want. I’ll be your night lovin’ thing. I’ll be the freak you can taunt. And I don’t care what you say. I want to go too far. I’ll be your everything, if you make me a star.

2. Dragonette – I Get Around

My ultimate road trip theme song with a double entendre! Dragonette’s Galore album has never been absent from one of my NHL road trips since the 07-08 hockey season. One of my most exciting moments was when I heard the song being played at the Bell Centre when the Flyers were in Montreal. You can imagine how I physically reacted. Naturally, I *only* identify with this song on the basis that I am the Carmen Sandiego of the National Hockey League and literally get around. Of course, you can see how this song might work for some of the more successful (and diseased) puck bunnies out there. Key Lyrics: 9 AM in your bedroom. The radio alarm clock is set for soon. I know you friends and you know mine too. You don’t tell on me, I won’t tell on you. I get around.

1. Blondie – One Way or Another

The most essential puck bunny anthem. One Way or Another is both creepy in its lyrics and in the way they are preformed. It’s the perfect chase music for following the team or a player around after a game or practice. Come on, the song even talks about stalking the bus – you can’t get much more puck bunny than that. Last season, the band playing at the Flyers Wives’ Carnival performed this song. It made me laugh, then shake my ass. Key Lyrics: One way or another, I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha. One way or another, I’m gonna win ya. I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha. One way or another, I’m gonna see ya. I’m gonna meetcha, meetcha, meetcha, meetcha. One day, maybe next week .I’m gonna meetcha. I’ll meetcha. And if the lights are all out, I’ll follow your bus downtown, see who’s hanging out.

Bonus Track: Lady Gaga – Paparazzi

I’m your biggest fan. I’ll follow you until you love me. Papa-paparazzi. Baby, there’s no other superstar. You know that I’ll be your papa-paparazzi.

It was the off season, and I was headed a couple hours outside of Toronto to visit my friend for the weekend. We had planned to go out to one of the two bars in town that night. She took me to this intense country bar, and I introduced her to the Awesome (a drink my friend made up: Amaretto, pineapple, and cranberry – tastes like candy!). After I’ve had a couple Awesomes, I noticed this guy just STARING at me. He looked familiar, so I was trying to figure out how I knew him, and it looked like he was trying to do the same. Finally I realized he was one of the Leafs. He must have recognized me from my brief stint with MLSE because you KNOW I definitely don’t go to enough Leafs games for him to recognize me that way!

Anyway, once I realized he was a Leaf, my peripheral suddenly expanded and I noticed that there were about fifty hockey players standing right in front of me. As it turned out, the local OHL hockey team was having their alumni reunion that weekend, which was funny because that summer I think I crossed paths with about three different teams’ reunions – including the night before. A few of the guys talked to me that night, which led to a lot of irritating messages during the season whenever their team beat the Flyers. However, I was lucky that the Flyers did finally win one of the match ups.

One guy was from Toronto, and he wanted to “go out sometime.” So, two weeks later we went out for drinks, etc. (Don’t get excited that’s not a scandalous “etc”). The drinks went well until we had to leave and I ran into one of my sorority sisters – eek. I don’t like to introduce dates to people I know until I’m sure if I like them or not – definitely not a first date thing. (I’m eccentric, whatever. Are you just figuring this out now?) After drinks, we went to another place to get dessert where I was forced to set my phone on silent so he wouldn’t notice my friend texting, “Who’s the hot guy?!?!?!” every five seconds.

We were being seated in a backyard patio, so we didn’t see who our waitress was until it was too late – too late for him that is haha! Our waitress comes over and, to my surprise, they know each other. He didn’t look impressed, but he was being civil. So, we order our dessert and beverages and she takes off. Naturally, I had to ask him what that was all about. He says, “She was one of the puck bunnies back in [OHL team city]. *lowers voice* You know, one of the baaaad ones.” I started laughing and told him we could go somewhere else if he was uncomfortable. He didn’t want to go and began regaling me with tales of the girl’s (and her friend’s – he claimed that the bad puck bunnies always travel in twos) extra-curricular activities…if you catch my drift. He only interrupted himself every so often to lie to me and tell me that TSN just announced that they traded my Flyers crush to the Kings to piss me off. Apparently, it’s unpatriotic of me not to follow a Canadian team – you can probably guess where he plays (or played at the time).

The waitress was definitely rattled by the fact that he was on a date as well. She was reading a lot into the situation, and you know she was hiding in the kitchen texting her partner in crime and telling her how ugly and gross I looked lol. We had each ordered our own dessert, but she only brought out one. She obviously assumed we’d want to be coupley and share – boo, I wanted to eat all the cake! Grumpy. Way to make my evening even more awkward than it already was.

If the puck bunny situation wasn’t bad enough for the guy, he was crashing and burning on top of it. This guy was pulling out all the lines. The “you’re so much different than other girls,” and some others that are so embarrassing, I can’t even type them or remember them with a straight face. One of the best parts was when he assumed that I must read a lot, and tried to convince me that he is the same way. He told me there was this book he was planning to read someday haha, which, I’m not going to lie, it did mildly impress me at the time. It sounded like a ridiculously long textbook-esque book that I don’t think I’d ever touch in a million years, and definitely wouldn’t read for pleasure while I was in the height of my university career.

The end of the night was the most awkward part, though. While walking back to the cars, buddy has his arm around me and wouldn’t you know that I would run into the guy that I was currently (mildly) into – noooooooooo! To make it more uncomfortable, he was too scared to even try to kiss me. But he was trying to desperately work up the nerve. We were seriously standing there for twenty minutes (awkward) while he was concentrating intensely on how to make his attack. I was naturally standing there with my most taunting Clint Eastwood make-my-day face. Twenty minutes later he finally gave up and settled for the hug haha! He is still scared of me to this day, but continues to entertain me with his “romantic” lines.

So, that’s my story. What? I told you this was a G-rated adventure, and I didn’t mean that in the, “there’s actually an X-rated version that I’m keeping to myself” way. After all, I’m not one of the “bad ones.” Until next time…keep your stick on the ice.

Like JHB, Ragetastic Voyages posts anonymous accounts of sexcapades from varying skill levels of junior hockey leagues across North America. However, don’t be fooled into chalking everything you read on this site up to the true hockey player experience. As I said, a high frequency of taboo sexual practice is often what the hockey player requires in order to feel like a real player. The hockey players most likely to participate in these doings, or, in the very least, more likely to brag about them, are the players that don’t have a promising future playing the game, and cling to the lifestyle like a security blanket to feel like they are kind of a big deal (and that people know them). These are the guys that know they aren’t going anywhere, and if they are, then they grow up to be that pathetic excuse for a pro who nobody knows outside of the home rink and who gets traded more often than a red Power Ranger pog back in 1994.

Most likely the average Ragetastic “beauty” is a poor quality Tier II hockey player with a future playing for a D3 school, or worse – a Canadian university! His puck bunny adventures are likely exaggerated, although, for the most part, true, as he feels that he needs to sexually exploit women to the limits to prove to himself that he’s important enough to get away with it. Of course, this brings us to the girls willing to get videotaped while being taken up the ass by various members of a no-name brand hockey team. Don’t let your imagination get carried away, hockey players do not bang the “hottest broads” as they’d like you to believe. The girls getting involved with Tier II hockey players are not puck bunnies, and if they are, then they are the really, really, really stupid ones that have no idea how to scout talent. Most likely, these are just regular girls with severe daddy issues, and can’t wait to be old enough to legally sign for their new implants in their adult attempts to trap a man (or hockey player re: red Power Ranger pog).

Of course, with these stories comes a certain level of myth. Ragetastic asks for new submissions to try and top the last entry, so I’m sure that these little boys insert a few additives before clicking the send button to email the revised details of their latest voyage. I’ve obviously heard hundreds of stories both in my Down the Rabbit Hole research and in my survival techniques out on the meat market. (Helpful Hint: if a hockey player is pursuing you savagely at a bar, ask him to tell you a puck bunny story. He will refuse at first, as he is trying to “woo” you, but insist upon him doing as you say. Once he finally tells you, retain that information and throw it back in his face at the most inconvenient of moments – like when he’s trying to jump on top of you! HILARIOUS!) The stories are usually outrageous. There was one that a guy told me about a girl wearing a Halloween mask while going down on five or six guys on his team in a row. One of the guys on the team was about to blow and “conveniently” decides to take off the girl’s mask at that exact moment, only to discover that he was just being serviced by his sister. Hmm, sounds a bit like an urban legend if you ask me. What do you think?

Unfortunately, the writer of Ragetastic Voyages is headed down the same path as Junior Hockey Bible, and may likely incur the same fate. Just over five years ago, Junior Hockey Bible was court ordered to shut down. JHB was in the habit of making a mockery out of women who were writing in and voicing their disgust toward JHB’s catalogue of various ways to demean and deflower women. JHB would publish the hate mail, and then translate what the girl actually intended to say. This usually involved wishing she were hot enough to actually screw around with these guys or something far more insulting. Finally, they pissed off the wrong girl. A few months later Junior Hockey Bible was back online under the guise of Gongshow Hockey. The site has cleaned up its act pretty much entirely, and the Gongshow brand is becoming more and more popular. However, whenever I see major sporting goods stores carrying the line it makes my skin crawl to remember its sordid and misogynistic origins. Anyway, like the ghosts of JHB, Ragetastic Voyages has also decided to publish their hate mail, so I guess it’s only a matter of time before it gets out of hand.

If you like train wrecks, then I’m sure you’ll love Ragetastic Voyages. I, on the other hand, prefer not to read that stuff, as I prefer not to read WAGs rumour sites of any kind. To me those sites are like nightmares. So, I refer you now to Ragetastic Voyages on the condition that you take what you read with a grain of salt, and see it for what it really is – young men trying desperately to prove to you that they can shoot a puck.

Ragetastic Voyages (Through the Junior A. Hockey Scene)