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Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Most memorable hockey jams.

YAY, another music related Top 10 Tuesday! To clarify, this is the Top 10 list of SOME songs that I most associate with my hockey experience for whatever reason. Give me a break, I can’t control what my mind associates with random music. This is not a list of essential hockey songs or even essential road trip songs. This list doesn’t even mention some of the albums I never leave home without like, Guns N’ Roses (Appetite for Destruction), Metallica (black album), Kings of Leon (Only by the Night), Kanye West (Graduation), Nirvana (Unplugged in New York), Heart (The Essential Heart – didn’t see that one coming, did you?), just to name a few. You also won’t find bands that you are guaranteed to hear at the rink like Stompin’ Tom Connors, or, for Toronto fans, Nickelback to no end. Enjoy!

10. Chris Isaac – Wicked Games

In high school, normal people sit in class and pass notes to each other, but my friends were not normal people. My friends used to sit in class and draw pictures and make up “spicy stories” about the local junior hockey team. Between periods, they’d catch me in the hallway or by the lockers and give me their latest creations. I really don’t know what the motive behind these pictures was. Anyway, years later, living in Toronto, I was going through a box of my old trophies and awards, when I came across a blue folder. In it were dozens of pictures, and stories, and even a homemade flag that the girls had made for me back in grade eleven. Rereading the stories made me laugh because in some of the steamier scenes music was used to set the mood. Wicked Games by Chris Isaac was the most popular choice, but other tracks included, George Michael (Father Figure, Careless Whisper), and Smashing Pumpkins (Ava Adore, Eye).

9. Border Cross/Country

Back in the day, we used to have this tradition that involved us insuring that country music was on the second we crossed the border into the States for our hockey road trips. Not sure why, but I think as 19 year olds we reasoned that country music is American, and we were in America. Usually we played Gretchen Wilson’s Here for the Party, but eventually Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy (Big and Rich) became a popular choice, and even made it on to the Philly ’07 soundtrack. Which reminds me of a text conversation I had with my mom while I was in Calgary. Me: I see cowboys! Mom: Don’t save any horses.

8. Def Leppard, Hysteria

Back during the NHL Lock Out I had to resort to supporting the next best thing in the American Hockey League. On a trip to Cleveland, Ohio to see the, then, Barons take on the Milwaukee Admirals at the Quicken Loans Arena, I was already beginning to burn through my list of people willing to go on hockey trips with me. I had to resort to scouting from the bottom of the barrel, and by that I mean I had to take my sister (that’s right, Alex!). She was still in elementary school at the time, and in her Japanese phase. Thus, she would only listen to odd metal from Japan and nothing else. She even listened to it on her iPod while she miserably watched the hockey game – who does that!? (She had only come along because she wanted to go shopping.) Naturally, being the older sister, I had to make it my mission to irritate her mercilessly during the entire five hour car ride. This involved me fully blasting Def Leppard’s Hysteria while dramatically singing along and busting out the finest upper body dance moves you’ve ever seen. If that didn’t annoy her enough, I deviated from Def Leppard every once in a while to play My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas, and ONLY My Humps! Fave Tracks: Women, Pour Some Sugar on Me, Armageddon It

7. Justin Timberlake, Future Sex/Love Sounds

Justin always seems to be in the car whenever I need to flee a situation. Initially, this album reminds me of fleeing Nashville in a great haste after an unpleasant evening locked away (in fear) in my hotel room, after a would-be John attempted to do God-knows-what to me for a(hopefully very large) fee re: Will NOT have sex for carbs or money! I think it was in my attempt to make myself feel better after such a startling night that made me turn to Mr. Timberlake’s music until Nashville disappeared in my rearview mirror. Coincidentally, SexyBack seems to be the theme song to all of my hockey related dramas and shady activities. Fave Tracks: FutureSex/LoveSound, SexyBack, Chop Me Up

6. A Night at the Roxbury soundtrack

There was a time when this soundtrack never left my car. This was the time before I started flying to my further games, and would find myself driving for twelve plus hours overnight. Generally, I would listen to poppy, fun music when I needed to stay awake. Now I’m just so used to not sleeping that I could really listen to anything and be wired for weeks. One night around four AM, while we were en route to Milwaukee for an Admirals game, we approached a toll booth somewhere around Chicago with the soundtrack blaring. We were all really hyper! I’ll never forget the look on the toll worker’s face when he saw what appeared to be a skuzzy, mobile dance club pulling up to his window. Fave Tracks: This is Your Night, What is Love?, A Little Bit of Ecstasy.

5. Britney Spears, Blackout

Like most people, the first time I heard Blackout I thought it sounded like monotonous garbage. However, my friend insisted that it was actually good, and forced me to listen to it non-stop during a November 2007 road trip to Philadelphia. I have to admit that I quickly became addicted to Britney’s crazy period album, and am instantly reminded of the Flyers and life on the road the second I hear it. Consequentially, all Philly roadies were tag lined It’s Philly, Bitch after that trip (re: Gimme More). I even have a humourous misheard lyric from her song, Toy Soldier, that I cannot for the life of me sing correctly. The line is, “I’m like a fire bottle bustin’ in your face.” Except I don’t hear “fire bottle,” I hear “Flyer.” I know, so vile, right? Anyway, my co-pilots have also noticed that I drive faster when this song is on, and put the song on repeat whenever I have to hightail it to a game. Fave Tracks: Toy Soldier, Break the Ice, Gimme More, I Got A Plan (Get Naked), Perfect Lover (uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huuuuuuh)

4. Bush(X), Sixteen Stone

Sixteen Stone is one of those amazing albums that you completely forget about until you stumble upon it while going through your old CD collection. Back when Bush first began, they had copyright problems in Canada because a Canadian band named Bush already existed. For years, Bush was known as Bush X in Canada until the other band allowed them to have the name just prior to the release of their third album. I don’t know about you, but I personally think Bush X is WAY more bad ass, but whatever. I don’t know if it’s worth anything, but my copies of Sixteen Stone and Razorblade Suitcase have Bush X on them. Anyway, back to hockey. This album has left one of those vivid imprints on my memory that immediately makes me recall driving around Detroit (Big Beaver Road *Beavis and Butthead laugh*) for my very first NHL solo roadie to see the Preds take on the Red Wings in 2006. I was really nervous for that game, and the fact that I was by myself. It was another one of those big moments that changed the way my game was played forever. Fave Tracks: Everything Zen, Comedown, Little Things, Machinehead, Glycerine.

3. Avril Lavigne – Girlfriend

On our inaugural trip to Philadelphia, my friend made a two disc compilation in honour of the momentous occasion. The playlist included a variety of gems from Dick in a Box to Layla. However, she also included a few tracks that irritated me to no end like the one mentioned above. After our first game at Wachovia Center, we somehow found ourselves lost and on a continuous circuit around the airport. My friend decided to taunt me with Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend which only contributed to the irritation level of the situation. It became the driving equivalent of circus music. Every time I saw the exit, I would miss it for some ridiculous reason. I quickly changed the lyrics to “Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your airport! No way, no way, I think you need a new one!” After spending a good forty-five minutes trapped around the airport, Avril’s terrible song is probably the first song I think of when I remember my time in Philadelphia. P.S. How did I manage to miss this song in Top 10 Tuesday: Puck bunny music at the office?

2. Super Cool Junior Hockey Gangsta Mix

Growing up in Kitchener there are really only two things to do if you are underage – hang out at the Tim Horton’s and go cruising up and down King Street. Our post Rangers game tradition involved walking over to Timmy Ho’s on Ottawa, grabbing a hot chocolate and a toasted coconut donut, then heading out for a drive around town with the windows down and the “tunes” blasting! Of course, in high school, the only music worth blasting is intrusive “deep thug” (I coined that term). Such tracks included: Xzibit (Get Your Walk On), 50 Cent (In Da Club, If I Can’t), Nelly (Pimp Juice, On the Grind), Ludacris (Game Got Switched – I hate it when there are too many rookies, not enough pros!, Southern Hospitality), Cam’Ron (What Means the World to You), N.E.R.D (Lap Dance), etc. We would occasionally change up the pace and throw on a couple Nsync slow jams (This I Promise You) to embarrass ourselves. On one evening of post game cruising, we were being followed by another car which turned out to be carrying none other than the players themselves! Back then I was never one to back down from a challenge to race. That was before Ontario approved immediate loss of licence for reckless speeding, and I realized my whole hockey livelihood would be at risk! Needless to say, I smoked ‘em.

1. Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head

Milwaukee was my very first non-OHL road trip, and being a massive event for the future of my hockey addiction, its soundtrack is the most memorable. At the time, I was listening to a lot of Coldplay. That was long before the band started to irritate me with their new stuff – ugh, Viva La Vida and other douchey songs that make me want to slit my wrists. I do like Violet Hill, though. Anyway, Coldplay’s album, A Rush of Blood to the Head makes me immediately remember driving around the Brew on my off night in town while a massive snowstorm was just beginning (we ended up getting three feet that night). I can still see the snow swirling around on the pavement as if I were there right now in the dead of January. Perhaps, my memory of this night is so vivid for another reason. Maybe it was a foreshadow to my life that I’m supposed to remember. The night before, I saw my first game at the Bradley Center. The Admirals were taking on the San Antonio Rampage (now affiliated with the Phoenix Coyotes). The night after this incident, I saw my second and last game of the trip wherein the Ads played host to the Hamilton Bulldogs. Do you see the connection? I guess we’ll know more about this by week’s end! Fave Tracks: A Rush of Blood to the Head, The Scientist, Warning Sign.

Bonus Track: Arctic Monkeys – Do Me A Favour

It’s the beginning of the end. The car went up the hill and disappeared around the bend. This song was the overall theme song from the 08-09 hockey season. I was listening to it a lot after Christmas when I knew that I was going to switch teams to Phoenix at some point in the near future. Other awesome tracks by the Arctic Monkeys: 505, Teddy Picker, Still Take You Home, Dancing Shoes, Mardy Bum

Posted in Top 10 Tuesday, hockey fans, hockey jams, puck bunnies, road trips | 3 Comments »

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Hockey player pick up lines.

Alright, so I almost forgot about Top 10 Tuesday, but I managed to crank out a half assed puck bunnyish list three hours before Wednesday in EST. This week’s list covers my top picks for pick up lines used by hockey players. The quotes I’ve listed below are real life, verbatim pick up lines that I have heard over the years. So, don’t blame me if you think these lines are totally lame – I didn’t make them up!

10. “You have to come watch me play.”

Have you ever seen the movie The Tao of Steve? The movie explains that any guy, even the George Costanza type, can attract any woman should he have the chance to exhibit his excellence or talent in front of her. Enter the hockey player. Unfortunately, it’s not usually the REAL hockey players that use this line; it’s usually the former AAA Bantams, playing out their careers in men’s rec. Maybe I’m just mean, but as someone who goes to NHL games for a living, why would they think that I would be interested in watching this snooze fest? Playing, maybe, but definitely not watching.

9. “My ex girlfriend is the same age as you.”

This one is for the junior hockey youngsters out there. Have you ever noticed that there are a lot of coincidences in junior hockey? Like, the hockey player who is currently pursuing you magically broke up with his ex at the same time that you broke up with yours? Yeah, that means it’s a lie, and that their mega healthy relationship is probably still going on. The same goes for that rookie player who is trying to get in your pants when you’re the same age as the over-agers! Of course he’s going to tell you that his former girlfriend was the same age as you, so you won’t feel like the Mayor of Slumsville that you so obviously are!

8. “Do you need tickets for tonight’s game?”

This is the hockey player’s attempt to own you. Some guys buy you flowers and dinner, hockey players attempt to wow you with the tickets that they get for free – cheap bastards! If you are too weak to pass up the tickets (I’ll admit that it’s my personal variety of crack), then be prepared for the follow up request of “payment.”

7. “I like your picture.”

Those of you that read my book, Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies will know that puck bunnies usually track down their prey online. That being said, it doesn’t take much more than a decent profile picture to get the attention of the hockey genus. Puck bunnies everywhere should strongly consider getting a few glam shots taken in their pursuit of hockey related copulation. The fleshier the pictures, the better.

6. “I was lucky enough to get my own room, so you can crash there.”

Don’t be fooled, this is not a nice gesture. One night I was out with my friend and we were bombarded with hockey players. Ten minutes later they had pumped about ten drinks into us. Suddenly, my thoughts turned to how I was going to drive home in this state. That’s when buddy here decided to chime in. Naturally, I feigned gratitude for the offer, but I wasn’t stupid drunk yet. Right away he got excited and whispered, “So…when do you want to go?” Umm, we were in the bar for all of fifteen minutes at that point. Easy there, tigre. (That wasn’t a typo, I said “tigre” – it’s French) P.S. I feel like I’ve told you this story before…

5. “You can Google me.”

Remember your NHL Draft day? The day that made you feel like the sky was the limit? That you could be hoisting the Stanley Cup within the year if you played your cards right? Well, now you’re in your fourth season in the A, and nothing is going your way. You have never played an NHL game, and never make it past the second cut in training camp. Poor thing. How is the hockey dud supposed to pick up the puckies? Naturally, he has to lie. He has to prey on the no-nothing puck bunnies in hopes that they are too stupid to notice that he’s never been on the roster. Naturally, Google is his only friend, as his prospect pictures will come up and prove to her that he is worth a damn.

4. “You and me sex? I flight next week.”

We Canadian hockey fans love to believe that our nation is what makes this game great. Yeah, it probably is, but let’s not forget some of the European countries that have contributed greatness to the league and the Hockey Hall of Fame – the Russians, the Czechs, the Swedes, the Finns, etc. What would our game be like without them? Unfortunately, off the ice, these guys have little in terms of skill. This has a lot to do with the fact that there is no room for subtly where the language barrier is concerned, as you can plainly read.

3. “I didn’t get a goal tonight, but I feel like I could score right now.”

OK, you got me! I’ve never actually heard this pick up line; so much as I’ve fantasized about it. I BET you’d love to know who skated into my dreams with this cheesy line!

2. “Do you drive?”

Here’s another helpful hint for the junior hockey groupie. Want to know the secret to finding out if a junior hockey player likes you, or, at least, likes your picture? If he does he will ask you if you drive or have a car. This means that he is already assessing your ability to get to him as soon as his billets fall asleep, so that he can sneak away with you into the scandalous darkness of a nearby, abandoned parking lot. Well done!

1. “I play hockey.”

One of the most common Canadian pick up lines used by both hockey players and non! In this country, if you play hockey, it means that you are entitled to something, and by “something,” I mean p****! You’d be surprised how often this works…not on me…but on many. For further examples, check out: Since when did, “I play hockey” become a pick up line?

Posted in Hockey Players, Top 10 Tuesday, mating game, puck bunnies | 6 Comments »

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Puck bunny music at the office.

We all have our hockey songs. Songs that remind us of the warm up, or play offs, a specific team, or life on the road. Naturally, puckies would have a list all their own. This week’s Top 10 Tuesday will look at my top puck bunny jams for getting down to some serious hockey player stalking business. Once again, feel free to comment with your own nominations! P.S. In case you didn’t know, clicking on the purple links will allow you to watch the video for each song. Same goes for reading the Radio sections of my 2008-2009 Yearbook.

10. Akon – Smack That

In an ideal situation the lyrics to Akon’s Smack That would describe a hockey player’s positive reception to being stalked by a puck bunny. Essentially, this song promotes that creeping will result in endless amounts of ass smacking. Gee, I suppose puck bunnies would be completely uninterested in that (sarcasm). This song was popular around the time that I ended up on a road trip with one of the biggest (and most unsuccessful) puck bunnies I have ever met. The song reminds me of driving around various parts of Pennsylvania, and coincidentally made it onto the Philly 06-07 soundtrack. A true hockey road trip song. Key Lyrics: I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow. Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo. Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo, and possibly bend you over. Look back and watch me smack that, all on the floor. Smack that, give me some more. Smack that, ’til you get sore. Smack that, oh ooh.

9. Kelis – Milkshake

Both puck bunnies and hockey WAGs alike think that they have some magic formula (or milkshake) that results in all the boys being brought to their yards. I was at the Hershey Centre the night the Guelph Storm won the 2004 OHL Championship by defeating the Mississauga Ice Dogs (yes, I am aware that the Ice Dogs call Niagara Falls home now, and that the Majors moved into the Hershey Centre). Anyway, Mississauga was one of the few OHL teams to employ the services of jailbait cheerleaders. Part way through the game, it was announced that the ice girls were going to deviate from their normal routine of jazzercise and spirit fingers to bring us a special number that they choreographed themselves. Suddenly, the intro to Milkshake boomed from every speaker in the building, and the rink was suddenly transformed into amateur night at the Jiggly Room. I’m sure all the six year olds in the audience were scarred for life. Key Lyrics: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, “It’s better than yours.” Damn right, it’s better than yours. I can teach you, but I have to charge.

8. Hinder – Lips of an Angel

When this song first came out it seemed like it was every puck bunny’s MySpace song from Anaheim to Montreal. The adulterous message in the lyrics seemed to get lost behind its “lovely” sentiments. Now this song seems to be most popular with cougar puck bunnies and scary billets who believe that it’s the perfect accompaniment to mood lighting and a seductive slow grind with a pool cue in their worn out, off-the-shoulder Def Leppard t-shirt. Any hockey players, who find themselves home alone with their billet moms, should strongly consider running out of the house if they hear this modern ballad sounding from the master bedroom. Either that, or they should get excited and consider doing their I’m-going-to-do-it jig. Key Lyrics: And I never wanna say goodbye, but, girl, you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel.

7. Pussy Cat Dolls – Don’t Cha

Single hockey players are hard to come by, and so puck bunnies are almost always in competition with the evil, fake, and fake boobed hockey wives/girlfriends. Essentially, puck bunnies know that not only are they way hotter than the WAGs, but are probably way better in bed. I find this hard to believe as some hockey girlfriends are known to have sex tapes (with OTHER athletes – ouch, feel bad for that hockey player) floating around the Internet. A puck bunny can dream, can’t she? Key Lyrics: I know you want it (I know you want it). It’s easy to see (it’s easy to see). And in the back of your mind you know you should be home with me. Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don’t cha, don’t cha? Alternate Song: Dragonette – Competition

6. Nickelback – Something in your Mouth

The first time I heard this song I was driving through a deadly storm headed to Boston for what would turn out to be my last game as a Flyers fan, and the beginning of an eleven day road trip. It reminded me of the minor league puck bunnies that used to occupy entire rows at American Hockey League rinks with uniform red lollipops in fist. I was at an OHL game five years ago, and there was a puck bunny sitting in front of us who was determined to try to seduce the home team’s bench by seductively sucking on a Jolly Rancher. She made a big production of insisting that she had to have the RED Jolly Rancher, but to her embarrassment the candy ended up falling out of her mouth and hitting the glass behind the bench – major whoops! I’m not gonna lie, this song makes my ass shake to the max. And since my hips are double jointed, that’s quite the force to be reckoned with. The last time I heard this song at a game was at the Prudential Center when the Coyotes were in town. I couldn’t restrain myself. You’re welcome, New Jersey. Key Lyrics: You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out. ‘Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.

5. The Police – Every Breath You Take

Puck bunnies are stalkers. That’s all you need to know. Sure, they know that they are stalkers, but they don’t like to hear it out loud. If you want to ensure that your testicles stay attached to your body, then don’t EVER accuse a puck bunny of “chasing” a hockey player. Whenever this ultimate stalking song comes on the radio, the puck bunny will either shy away from it, or completely identify with the lyrics and wonder how The Police were able to understand the inner workings of her soul. Some call it stalking, I call it love. Key Lyrics: Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. Every single day. Every word you say. Every game you play. Every night you stay. I’ll be watching you.

4. Kanye West – Gold Digger

FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT SONG!!!! Puck bunnies and hockey girlfriends both embrace this song and throw it back in the others’ faces because both parties are certain that the other group has unsavoury gold-digging motives for getting at the hockey gods. “I’m not a gold digger, I LOVE him for who he is (when he’s buying me things and taking me to Paris).” It’s my sneaking suspicion that both groups enjoy this song as one of their guilty pleasures because it is satisfying for them to think that they are somehow flying under the radar. I’ll admit this is another surefire ass shaking song on my end. Key Lyrics: 18 years, 18 years. She got one of yo’ kids, got you for 18 years. I know somebody payin’ child support for one of his kids. His baby momma’s car crib is bigger than his. You will see him on TV, any given Sunday. Win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai.

3. Michael Jackson – Dirty Diana

Speaking of gold diggers, Dirty Diana is the ultimate groupie song, and so you definitely cannot have a puck bunny playlist without it. Thought I was going to go with Billie Jean, did ya? Just listen to the lyrics. How is this not about every puck bunny you have ever met? Coincidentally, this is my favourite Michael Jackson song of all time. It’s also the best Michael Jackson song of all time! What, wanna fist fight me on it? SLASH, baby! That’s all I have to say. Key Lyrics: She waits at backstage doors for those who have prestige, who promise fortune and fame – a life that’s so carefree. She’s saying that’s ok, hey baby, do what you want. I’ll be your night lovin’ thing. I’ll be the freak you can taunt. And I don’t care what you say. I want to go too far. I’ll be your everything, if you make me a star.

2. Dragonette – I Get Around

My ultimate road trip theme song with a double entendre! Dragonette’s Galore album has never been absent from one of my NHL road trips since the 07-08 hockey season. One of my most exciting moments was when I heard the song being played at the Bell Centre when the Flyers were in Montreal. You can imagine how I physically reacted. Naturally, I *only* identify with this song on the basis that I am the Carmen Sandiego of the National Hockey League and literally get around. Of course, you can see how this song might work for some of the more successful (and diseased) puck bunnies out there. Key Lyrics: 9 AM in your bedroom. The radio alarm clock is set for soon. I know you friends and you know mine too. You don’t tell on me, I won’t tell on you. I get around.

1. Blondie – One Way or Another

The most essential puck bunny anthem. One Way or Another is both creepy in its lyrics and in the way they are preformed. It’s the perfect chase music for following the team or a player around after a game or practice. Come on, the song even talks about stalking the bus – you can’t get much more puck bunny than that. Last season, the band playing at the Flyers Wives’ Carnival performed this song. It made me laugh, then shake my ass. Key Lyrics: One way or another, I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha. One way or another, I’m gonna win ya. I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha. One way or another, I’m gonna see ya. I’m gonna meetcha, meetcha, meetcha, meetcha. One day, maybe next week .I’m gonna meetcha. I’ll meetcha. And if the lights are all out, I’ll follow your bus downtown, see who’s hanging out.

Bonus Track: Lady Gaga – Paparazzi

I’m your biggest fan. I’ll follow you until you love me. Papa-paparazzi. Baby, there’s no other superstar. You know that I’ll be your papa-paparazzi.

Posted in Hockey Players, Top 10 Tuesday, office music, puck bunnies | 6 Comments »

Sunday, August 16th, 2009

Off season is dating season!

When the hockey season ends, many players head home for a summer of relaxation, shinny, and catching up with their hometown girls WINK. After I posted my Ragetastic entry yesterday, I was inspired to share a G-rated Ragetastic Voyage of my own. Well it’s not very Ragetastic, or a voyage for that matter. It’s more like what I can only imagine is in a hockey player’s top ten for worst possible things that can happen on a date. I figure it’s OK if I talk about it since training camp is only a few weeks away, so if the guy reads this blog, then he’ll be out of town soon enough and I’ll be safe until next summer. Here’s my story.

It was the off season, and I was headed a couple hours outside of Toronto to visit my friend for the weekend. We had planned to go out to one of the two bars in town that night. She took me to this intense country bar, and I introduced her to the Awesome (a drink my friend made up: Amaretto, pineapple, and cranberry – tastes like candy!). After I’ve had a couple Awesomes, I noticed this guy just STARING at me. He looked familiar, so I was trying to figure out how I knew him, and it looked like he was trying to do the same. Finally I realized he was one of the Leafs. He must have recognized me from my brief stint with MLSE because you KNOW I definitely don’t go to enough Leafs games for him to recognize me that way!

Anyway, once I realized he was a Leaf, my peripheral suddenly expanded and I noticed that there were about fifty hockey players standing right in front of me. As it turned out, the local OHL hockey team was having their alumni reunion that weekend, which was funny because that summer I think I crossed paths with about three different teams’ reunions – including the night before. A few of the guys talked to me that night, which led to a lot of irritating messages during the season whenever their team beat the Flyers. However, I was lucky that the Flyers did finally win one of the match ups.

One guy was from Toronto, and he wanted to “go out sometime.” So, two weeks later we went out for drinks, etc. (Don’t get excited that’s not a scandalous “etc”). The drinks went well until we had to leave and I ran into one of my sorority sisters – eek. I don’t like to introduce dates to people I know until I’m sure if I like them or not – definitely not a first date thing. (I’m eccentric, whatever. Are you just figuring this out now?) After drinks, we went to another place to get dessert where I was forced to set my phone on silent so he wouldn’t notice my friend texting, “Who’s the hot guy?!?!?!” every five seconds.

We were being seated in a backyard patio, so we didn’t see who our waitress was until it was too late – too late for him that is haha! Our waitress comes over and, to my surprise, they know each other. He didn’t look impressed, but he was being civil. So, we order our dessert and beverages and she takes off. Naturally, I had to ask him what that was all about. He says, “She was one of the puck bunnies back in [OHL team city]. *lowers voice* You know, one of the baaaad ones.” I started laughing and told him we could go somewhere else if he was uncomfortable. He didn’t want to go and began regaling me with tales of the girl’s (and her friend’s – he claimed that the bad puck bunnies always travel in twos) extra-curricular activities…if you catch my drift. He only interrupted himself every so often to lie to me and tell me that TSN just announced that they traded my Flyers crush to the Kings to piss me off. Apparently, it’s unpatriotic of me not to follow a Canadian team – you can probably guess where he plays (or played at the time).

The waitress was definitely rattled by the fact that he was on a date as well. She was reading a lot into the situation, and you know she was hiding in the kitchen texting her partner in crime and telling her how ugly and gross I looked lol. We had each ordered our own dessert, but she only brought out one. She obviously assumed we’d want to be coupley and share – boo, I wanted to eat all the cake! Grumpy. Way to make my evening even more awkward than it already was.

If the puck bunny situation wasn’t bad enough for the guy, he was crashing and burning on top of it. This guy was pulling out all the lines. The “you’re so much different than other girls,” and some others that are so embarrassing, I can’t even type them or remember them with a straight face. One of the best parts was when he assumed that I must read a lot, and tried to convince me that he is the same way. He told me there was this book he was planning to read someday haha, which, I’m not going to lie, it did mildly impress me at the time. It sounded like a ridiculously long textbook-esque book that I don’t think I’d ever touch in a million years, and definitely wouldn’t read for pleasure while I was in the height of my university career.

The end of the night was the most awkward part, though. While walking back to the cars, buddy has his arm around me and wouldn’t you know that I would run into the guy that I was currently (mildly) into – noooooooooo! To make it more uncomfortable, he was too scared to even try to kiss me. But he was trying to desperately work up the nerve. We were seriously standing there for twenty minutes (awkward) while he was concentrating intensely on how to make his attack. I was naturally standing there with my most taunting Clint Eastwood make-my-day face. Twenty minutes later he finally gave up and settled for the hug haha! He is still scared of me to this day, but continues to entertain me with his “romantic” lines.

So, that’s my story. What? I told you this was a G-rated adventure, and I didn’t mean that in the, “there’s actually an X-rated version that I’m keeping to myself” way. After all, I’m not one of the “bad ones.” Until next time…keep your stick on the ice.

Posted in Hockey Players, mating game, off season, puck bunnies | 4 Comments »

Saturday, August 15th, 2009

Web Assault: Ragetastic Voyages and the fragile hockey ego.

Recently, while browsing through Twitterland, I discovered a disturbing new blog, Ragetastic Voyages. Ragetastic aims to recapture the former “glory” of Junior Hockey Bible with less of the frills. For those of you who are either too young, too old, or too American to remember Junior Hockey Bible, here’s a brief refresher. JHB was a website dedicated to cataloging the “true” hockey and junior hockey player experience, or at least the version they’d like the public to believe. Hockey players love to assert the rock star imagine, and rely mainly on wild and crazy encounters with groupies as a measure for their success as a player.

Like JHB, Ragetastic Voyages posts anonymous accounts of sexcapades from varying skill levels of junior hockey leagues across North America. However, don’t be fooled into chalking everything you read on this site up to the true hockey player experience. As I said, a high frequency of taboo sexual practice is often what the hockey player requires in order to feel like a real player. The hockey players most likely to participate in these doings, or, in the very least, more likely to brag about them, are the players that don’t have a promising future playing the game, and cling to the lifestyle like a security blanket to feel like they are kind of a big deal (and that people know them). These are the guys that know they aren’t going anywhere, and if they are, then they grow up to be that pathetic excuse for a pro who nobody knows outside of the home rink and who gets traded more often than a red Power Ranger pog back in 1994.

Most likely the average Ragetastic “beauty” is a poor quality Tier II hockey player with a future playing for a D3 school, or worse – a Canadian university! His puck bunny adventures are likely exaggerated, although, for the most part, true, as he feels that he needs to sexually exploit women to the limits to prove to himself that he’s important enough to get away with it. Of course, this brings us to the girls willing to get videotaped while being taken up the ass by various members of a no-name brand hockey team. Don’t let your imagination get carried away, hockey players do not bang the “hottest broads” as they’d like you to believe. The girls getting involved with Tier II hockey players are not puck bunnies, and if they are, then they are the really, really, really stupid ones that have no idea how to scout talent. Most likely, these are just regular girls with severe daddy issues, and can’t wait to be old enough to legally sign for their new implants in their adult attempts to trap a man (or hockey player re: red Power Ranger pog).

Of course, with these stories comes a certain level of myth. Ragetastic asks for new submissions to try and top the last entry, so I’m sure that these little boys insert a few additives before clicking the send button to email the revised details of their latest voyage. I’ve obviously heard hundreds of stories both in my Down the Rabbit Hole research and in my survival techniques out on the meat market. (Helpful Hint: if a hockey player is pursuing you savagely at a bar, ask him to tell you a puck bunny story. He will refuse at first, as he is trying to “woo” you, but insist upon him doing as you say. Once he finally tells you, retain that information and throw it back in his face at the most inconvenient of moments – like when he’s trying to jump on top of you! HILARIOUS!) The stories are usually outrageous. There was one that a guy told me about a girl wearing a Halloween mask while going down on five or six guys on his team in a row. One of the guys on the team was about to blow and “conveniently” decides to take off the girl’s mask at that exact moment, only to discover that he was just being serviced by his sister. Hmm, sounds a bit like an urban legend if you ask me. What do you think?

Unfortunately, the writer of Ragetastic Voyages is headed down the same path as Junior Hockey Bible, and may likely incur the same fate. Just over five years ago, Junior Hockey Bible was court ordered to shut down. JHB was in the habit of making a mockery out of women who were writing in and voicing their disgust toward JHB’s catalogue of various ways to demean and deflower women. JHB would publish the hate mail, and then translate what the girl actually intended to say. This usually involved wishing she were hot enough to actually screw around with these guys or something far more insulting. Finally, they pissed off the wrong girl. A few months later Junior Hockey Bible was back online under the guise of Gongshow Hockey. The site has cleaned up its act pretty much entirely, and the Gongshow brand is becoming more and more popular. However, whenever I see major sporting goods stores carrying the line it makes my skin crawl to remember its sordid and misogynistic origins. Anyway, like the ghosts of JHB, Ragetastic Voyages has also decided to publish their hate mail, so I guess it’s only a matter of time before it gets out of hand.

If you like train wrecks, then I’m sure you’ll love Ragetastic Voyages. I, on the other hand, prefer not to read that stuff, as I prefer not to read WAGs rumour sites of any kind. To me those sites are like nightmares. So, I refer you now to Ragetastic Voyages on the condition that you take what you read with a grain of salt, and see it for what it really is – young men trying desperately to prove to you that they can shoot a puck.

Ragetastic Voyages (Through the Junior A. Hockey Scene)

Posted in Hockey Players, Junior Hockey Bible, Ragetastic Voyages, puck bunnies | No Comments »

Monday, August 10th, 2009

When your friends don’t like hockey…

I’m sure that for the average man-fan, having non-hockey friends is both rare and unproblematic apart from the occasional disagreement over which sports bar to attend. However, for the female lover of the game, having non-hockey enthused girl friends can cause a lot of unnecessary drama. I’m obviously not one to shy away from the term “puck bunny,” or throw it around loosely, but when your friends don’t like hockey, and are still anxious to attend games with you, then you obviously know what they are about. Here are some of the craziest/weirdest situations I have been exposed to as a result of having friends that don’t like hockey.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they cry when you get good seats.

Back in high school, when I was first starting to go to hockey games without my sports-obsessed uncle, I recruited any and every one of my friends willing to try the game on for size. After one visit the girls were hooked. Let’s face it, it’s hard to keep good Catholic school girls away from sweaty teenaged boys. After a few games we decided to buy our tickets for the next game directly from the box office. Sure enough, our seats improved. One of my friends was so excited that she cried, “I haven’t been this excited since I got Backstreet Boys tickets!”

When your friends don’t like hockey…they chase hockey players around in their high school kilts!

Eventually, the hockey drama got the better of my high school group of friends, and a season later we weren’t friends anymore. This largely had to do with the fact that they started very odd stalking habits. One particular gem was that they would travel across town to the team’s high school during lunch in hopes that the guys would see them in their kilts. If you think Catholic school girls don’t know that you fantasize about them in their kilts, you’d be wrong. They know. They all know. I’m not sure if the players ever saw this, but they tried again the night of the high school formal, and showed up for the warm up complete with up-do’s and glitter make-up.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they peer pressure you into dating rookies!

This happens a lot. Like I said, when your friends don’t like hockey, they obviously just like the hockey players, and will do anything to get on their good side. For some reason, I tend to be the bait. I’m the one that knows enough about the game to legitimize the other girls’ reasons for being there. Ideally, I’m supposed to “get them in.” However, sometimes their plan backfires, and the player that they are chasing turns around and declares an interest in yours truly. I don’t know about you, but if a guy that knew I was after him turned around and asked me to hook him up with my friend, after I tore his throat out, the last think I’d be doing is trying to pressure my friend into dating him. Not so where puck bunnies are concerned. I can honestly say that the only peer pressure I ever experienced growing up was from my “friends” trying to force me to like hockey players that I didn’t like. Apparently, the entire team would be mad at them if I didn’t date certain guys – riiiiight.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they wear low cut shirts to hockey games!

Well, of course they do! You have to flaunt the assets during the mating game. Unfortunately, this can cause problems if you have seats behind the bench of your favourite team, as it will inevitably distract your boys. If you have a friend like this, then it’s a good idea to plan in advance and buy tickets on the opposing side. You can make money by betting the trend that your friend’s boobs will cause the team in closest proximity to lose. (Seriously, it’s sure fire!)

When your friends don’t like hockey…they want to know which players are hot in advance!

Back during the NHL Lock Out, I decided to finally check out the AHL. My friend (a non-hockey lover) and I wanted to plan a road trip together. She wanted to go somewhere with frat boys, and I wanted to go somewhere with hockey. I nominated Milwaukee since they were the defending Calder Cup Champions – and that was the extent of my knowledge of the Milwaukee Admirals. My friend asked me which players were hot. I told her I didn’t know who played on the team, as I had never seen the team play before. Before agreeing to buy tickets, she needed to see the roster. So, I found the Ads’ website and I showed her. She found one or two that she thought were alright – we all know how unflattering hockey pics are, right ladies? Anyway, by the time we saw the warm up for our first game in town, she declared that they were all hot, and she would bang any of them. (I love their reactions to their first hockey games!) After that her new motto was, “What happens in Wisconsin, stays in Wisconsin.”

When your friends don’t like hockey…they make you risk your life trying to give their number to possible convicts!

While on my way to a hockey game, my non-hockey friend saw a hot guy driving beside us. She was trying to get his attention then finally wrote down her cell number and tried to pass it to him on the I-69! I had to do some fancy driving to accomplish this, but after some near collisions, we decided to all get off at the next exit. The guy pulls up beside us and my friend gives him her number. He looked at the area code strangely. “It’s Toronto….Canada” she told him. “Oh…Canada? I’m not allowed in Canada.” I just about died of laughter, and my friend’s facial expression was a combination of both shock and sheer terror. She stuttered some excuse for us to get going again, as she was internally speculating on what this guy could have done to be banned from our country. As we got back on the interstate, she said very seriously, “I hope he doesn’t call me.” However, an hour or so later she was flirting with another car.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they assault Nashville Predators!

One of my friends had a huge crush on one of the Nashville Predators. I don’t need to say which one. Anyway, she saw him waiting for the bus before one of his games, and she decided she was going to talk to him. She has a military-type upbringing, and so she doesn’t just walk, she trudges – and it’s very intimidating even though she’s such a small person. Anyway, she was trudging toward him. And I will never forget the look on his face when he saw her trudging at him. He was scared. I was running after her. I imagine a slow-motion “Noooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooooo!” coming out of my mouth. But I was too late. She got to him first. No, she didn’t talk to him, she JUMPED on him. He was even more scared. I got in there quickly trying to make up some reason for her assault, and tried to smooth things over. It worked. I let them talk for a bit, but then the bus showed up. I tried to get us out of there, but she’d have none of it. To my horror, the players started coming out to the bus and they were all smiling with those knowing smiles, like they knew what we were up to. @#$%! Anyway, the greatest line of the story was when she told the guy her name and he got it wrong, to which she just said, “Yeah, you can call me whatever you want” hahaha!

When your friends don’t like hockey…they make you declare embarrassing things at the border!

When your girl friends don’t like hockey, they tend to only buy merchandise to reflect their fondness for the hotness of their favourite players. On a trip to Grand Rapids, the Griffins were having a clearance sale and selling year-old expired team calendars for ninety-nine cents. There were a few babe-shots of my friend’s favourite player working out, so she decided to buy one. Later that night, crossing back into Canada, I announced to the border guard that she had purchased an old calendar for a dollar because she thought one of the guys was cute. The border guard laughed, but my friend got defensive. She leaned over and tried to justify her actions to the guard, “He’s Canadian, he’s from Toronto!” The border guard gave her a weird look and said, “Does that make it right? I don’t know.” Haha! It’s still one of my favourite border guard lines ever!

When your friends don’t like hockey…hockey players sleep in your bed and you had no idea they were there!

On a very crazy road trip filled with angry wives and all kinds of goodness, the girls and I retired back to our hotel room after a night of dinner and dancing. However, one of the players decided to follow us. I fell asleep while they were webcaming to some other player. Anyway, the next morning, the girls kept asking me if I slept well. I kept saying, “Yes.” And they both looked really disturbed. Finally, one of them told me, “Umm, you do know that buddy slept in your bed last night, right?” I had no idea at all. Immediately, I was both disturbed and concerned. I tend to hold on to things in my sleep.

When your friends don’t like hockey…you end up in hotel rooms with half naked hockey players!

Girls that like hockey players tend to be very good at making connections. Hanging out with them will certainly result is weird situations. For some reason, this tends to include being up way too late in hotel rooms the night before game day. In this particular situation, my friend was interested in one of the guys, so she didn’t want to leave his side, even though he was clearly passing out on the bed. Please notice the disgust on my face – what’s behind that towel?

When your friends don’t like hockey…you end up being nicknamed, Blue Balls!

The infamous All-Star weekend 2007! Imagine what would happen if you are of the attitude that hockey players are gods and you don’t deserve to be in their presence. Well, the puck bunnies I was with on this particular weekend were so intimidated by the players that they were too insecure to do their “seductive” dancing where the hockey players could actually see them – even though the goal was to actually have the players see them. I, on the other hand, am always dancing. If you see me at a game, I’m dancing. In the car, I’m dancing. In the grocery store, I’m dancing. So, I didn’t see a need to run away with some of the other girls, and since I wasn’t scared of the players, I didn’t stutter and run off whenever they talked to me. Anyway, since I was nice to them, apparently the guys let their imaginations get carried away, and my nickname that weekend was Blue Balls (allegedly). HA! Not my problem! I suppose there are worse nicknames to have.

When your friends don’t like hockey…you’re better off going to the game alone and making new friends that do!

Posted in Hockey Players, hockey fans, puck bunnies, road trips | 4 Comments »

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

D-Listers and the hockey players who wear them.

Kellie Pickler has written the new theme song for scorned puck bunnies everywhere. Allegedly, Pickler trashes her former boyfriend, Nashville Predator Jordin Tootoo, in her song/music video, Best Days of Your Life. This song gives hope to all small-minded puck bunnies that automatically give up their pursuits when the hockey player of their dreams becomes romantically linked with a moderately famous individual. Of course, not all puck bunnies are this stupid. I’m mostly referring to the type that frequent the rumour sites and make comments like, “his new girlfriend actually has a career of her own which makes her better than all of us.” Apparently, careers are only worth something if it puts us in front of a camera. Apparently, we are bad people and failures as individuals if we have never wanted to be on T.V. Anyway, for those of us that know how to think, seeing through the D-lister/hockey player union is pretty easy. This entry will analyze some of the most notable shiny relationships around the NHL. I will be doing a surprising amount of name-dropping for someone who has never once purchased a gossip magazine in her entire life.

We’ll begin with our first set of implants, Kellie Pickler. According to Miss Pickler’s lyrics, Jordin Tootoo threw away the best days of his life by cheating on her. But how can this be?? How could a FAMOUS person get cheated on??? (Sorry, that was me playing the role of the moron-bunny). Here’s how. Is Kellie Pickler not a person? Perhaps you are forgetting that her claim to fame was not a pitiful run on American Idol, but rather an embarrassing stint on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader, in which she announced that Europe was a country and that the capital of Hungary is France. Do you think that if you were this dumb, that your boyfriend wouldn’t cheat on you, let alone dump you? Plus, she doesn’t have the face for it to be OK to be a “dumb blonde.” Obviously, as most people would in this circumstance, Tootoo thought he could get away with it – and who knows how long he was actually getting away with it. What I find more disturbing was not so much that a “famous” person could be cheated on, but rather that one of the most notable NHL tough guys allegedly did this: *clears throat to start singing* “And does she know, know about the times you used to hold me, wrap me in your arms and how you told me I’d be the only one?” PUKE! Unfortunately, by writing this VERY original song, it is obvious that Kellie is not over the whole thing, and that her brief stint as a Preds girlfriend was actually the best days of HER life.

Moving on to the Alyssa Milano of the National Hockey League, Elisha Cuthbert. Elisha is a terrifying example of the Canadian puck bunny turned celebrity. Miss Cuthbert exerts her minor-league fame on what appears to be any and every NHL hockey player she can. You will notice that the common trend in the land of hockey player/celebrity relationships is that the celebs are typically of the D-List variety and that the hockey players are generally not superstars. Elisha Cuthbert has done so little as of late in the acting department, that she is becoming more known for her NHL exploits than anything else – not that she’s ever really contributed to anything worth a damn anyway. She has been romantically linked to Sean Avery, Mike Komisarek, Dion Phaneuf, and who knows how many others. Ok, so Dion Phaneuf is one of the best D-men in the league, but perhaps you are forgetting that he also looks like a mule. Luckily for Elisha, her shiny D-list status allows her to get around the NHL where the non-celebribunny would surely fail.

Before returning to our list of celebriwhores, we will pause a moment to honour Sean Avery. Avery is the poster child for the hockey player/D-lister relationship. Sean Avery is probably the most notable active NHLer in the world, as he often makes trashy mag headlines based solely on the minor celebs he nails. Playing for LA was the worst thing that could have happened to Sean because once he got a taste of what it feels like to date a celebrity, he couldn’t get enough. Avery goes from minor celeb to minor celeb, as this will make him a big name player where his mediocre hockey skills and poorly thought out on-ice antics could not. Arguably, Avery uses D-listers as a beard for both his hockey career and possible small penis. I can’t confirm this, but if the small penis buzzer is going to go off at any time during this entry, it’s right now. Come on, he even dated one of those creepy Olsen twin aliens.

Back to the D-list. Hilary Duff is another prime example of the failing celebrity desperate for publicity. With a Disney career that is almost always short-lived and doomed by adulthood, Duff discovered that she won’t be able to play a high school student in a G-rated TV series forever. Likely she became poverty stricken the day that Billy Ray Cyrus met with the Disney execs for the first time. Duff grabbed onto the first NHL player, Mike Comrie, who didn’t have a problem dating a teenager despite the fact that he was in his late twenties at the time – creepy much? Yeah, it is. Since then, Hilary has contributed little to the entertainment industry, and instead prefers to bask in the glory of the Wives’ Lounge. Furthermore, Comrie fits the description of the hockey player seeking D-lister notoriety because he is unhappy with himself for not becoming a household name on his own. He is known to lavish expensive gifts, such as, new cars on his D-list queen, and probably jets her off to beaches around the world whenever he can – seems like he feels that he needs to keep up with her lifestyle. Silly boy, real women will still love you even if you give them homemade love coupons. Do you hear something? Sounds like the small penis buzzer is going off again.

Next up we have our list’s only B-lister. Carrie Underwood is currently in the prime of her career, and has bagged the handsome Mike Fisher to boot. Unfortunately, we can’t forget that Underwood also comes from blue collar American Idol origins, and is already known to have dated other athletes. Multi-sport celebribunny? Technically, where southern country music fans are concerned, Carrie downgraded when she went from an all American football star, Tony Romo, to a Canadian hockey player in Ottawa. She is currently known as the poor man’s Jessica Simpson.

Of course, on occasion, the league’s crème de la crème also bag celebriwives of their own. Yet, even the Great One can’t seem to use his hockey fame to land anything more than the star of home workout videos. However, Mike Modano’s wife, Willa Ford, is practically a non-Lister. Willa’s claim to fame was her one hit wonder, I Wanna Be Bad, which was digitally altered to the point that she could have been mistaken for one of The Chipmunks. Unfortunately for Willa, her hit song came slightly premature of the slut movement of 2002. At the time that Mrs. Modano was being bad, her superiors (Britney and Christina) were still playing the virgin card. Since then, Willa has flashed her implants around any sleazy men’s magazine that would have her. Sadly, Willa is only 28 years old, yet she resembles a 48 year old that has had far too much plastic surgery. You really have to feel for Mike Modano. By the time his wife actually turns 40, he would have paid for so much plastic surgery only to be screwing this every night: What, too soon? Let that be a lesson to all of you that think that tanning is good for you.

Other Non-listers and further examples of low-intellect hockey players prizing body over substance are the Playboy Bunnies and female sportscasters. Both parties are women consumed with what they look like, and surely have the same Willa-fate as mentioned above. Both girls dream of being models and admired for their appearance. Unfortunately, their raunchy/stubby exterior and implants keep them from ever being considered by a serious modeling agency. Sportscasters are the variety that couldn’t cut it in Playboy, and had to turn to small-time T.V. broadcasting to land a notable hubby. Female sportscasters are always featured in the sidelines giving interviews because they don’t actually know enough about sports to make it onto the panel. These women are notorious for dating athletes, however, the relationships don’t often become public news because the relationships can’t really work and are usually just @#$%ing. For the hockey players sad enough about their careers to actually date a sportscaster, the details of the relationship will be all over the internet, as this bunny will actually have people write articles about the relationship, and will Twitter their every move as a couple to the point that you wish someone would stab her in the eye and mutilate her tweeting hand. It’s amazing what effects silicone and a bottle of peroxide will have on those of dim wit.

Play me out, Kellie.

Posted in carrie underwood, celebrity hockey wives, elisha cuthbert, hilary duff, kellie pickler, puck bunnies, willa ford | 6 Comments »

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Women love hockey fights? No kidding (sarcasm).

In light of the recent Garrett Klotz incident that has sparked debate about fighting in the future of hockey, the FAN590 released a statistic showing that the most popular demographic for the enjoyment of fisticuffs is female spectators between the ages of eighteen and thirty. Apparently, this wasn’t an obvious fact?

It seems the hockey fan majority, the men, seem to think that the rough stuff can only be fully appreciated by a y-chromosome and excessive amounts of Testosterone. I remember back in my WWE days, grades seven through nine, I could not understand why it was the guys in my class that liked wrestling. Let’s see, wrestling entails a bunch of big men, greased up, jumping on each other while wearing speedos…hmm. Can someone please tell me what the guys are getting out of that? It’s the same thing with UFC, though I have to admit there is nothing more unattractive than two men kicking each other (unless, of course, it’s Chuck Norris delivering a clean round house to the face!). So, when a bunch of hockey stars start sweating, and shoving, and punching with chests heaving, is it really that surprising that the women are the first ones to jump out of their seats, panties in fist?

Perhaps the shock generated among men from the release of this statistic is just more evidence that they really don’t understand women. First of all, women go crazy for violence and brutality, but there is obviously a time and a place, and a grungy speakeasy after fifteen beers is not it. The hockey rink provides a safe haven for the players to demonstrate their masculinity and brute strength without ending up on an embarrassing episode of Cops.

Women also use the fights as a way to enhance their sexual fantasies about the players. He’s a beast on the ice, but ever so tender with her in the boudoir – sound familiar, ladies? Or for some: rough on the ice, rough in bed. Either way – HOT. Not to mention that the number one puck bunny fantasy is to witness two players fighting over her in combat – seems almost medieval and romantic, doesn’t it? Sure, women may say they don’t like to date men who are prone to jealousy, but, like I said, there is a time and a place for everything. And let’s not forget what other female instinct is activated during these brawls –the maternal nurturer. If the player gets injured in battle, the tendency is to want to take care of him and nurse him back to health. Once healthy, he will be so grateful that he’d have no choice but to marry her on the spot – duh!

Also, from a more practical standpoint, hockey fights provide a way for the puck bunnies (that have not really learned the rules yet) to engage in the game. There are really only two events in hockey that cue the puck bunny for a reaction. The first is a goal, and the second is a fight. Of course, puck bunnies are predominately concerned with how they are being perceived during the game, so naturally they will jump on anything (that’s what she said) to show that they understand what’s going on.

So, for all you men out there that were surprised that it was the female fans that were going crazy for hockey violence, I hope that I have opened your eyes to the truth. Disclaimer: fighting and violence should not be used as a way to win the heart of a lady hockey fan if you are not playing hockey. Don’t try this at home.

Posted in Hockey Players, female hockey fans, hockey fans, hockey fights, puck bunnies, puck bunny | No Comments »

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

Top 10 reasons to be a single gal-fan on Valentine’s Day!

Because everyone loves a good Top 10 list, and because if I do another “romance on the road” entry, people are going to start to think I’m a skank! Happy Valentine’s Day!

# 10 Too Much Puck: there are nine NHL games scheduled for V-day in such a way that the love starved could conceivably watch four full games between lunch and bedtime! So veg out on the couch, bust out the Ben and Jerry’s, and stay there all day. I suggest: Iles@Flyers (1 PM), Oil@Kings (4 PM), Caps@Bolts (7:30 PM), and Flames@Coyotes (10 PM). I might just order some Mexican take out for two (for one) and do this myself!

#9 Kiss Cam Overload: the Kiss Cam will be earning time and a half at all of the active rinks today! While watching all the happy couples smooching may make you wish that you had something in your purse sharp enough to slit your wrists with (blasted security bag checkers!), have no fear! Lean into the cute boy sitting on your left and trick the cameraman into thinking you’re together. Once the camera is on you, you’re golden. He can’t wuss out in front of his buddies – SCORE!! It’s happened to me, it can happen to you!

#8 Warm Up: groin stretches…enough said!

#7 Five for Fighting: tired of the excessive amount of couples around the rink today rubbing it in your face that they are getting some and you aren’t? Well flaunt your sex right back at them! Pretend you’re at the Golden Banana and go rabid for those hockey fights! Annoying people is fun!

#6 Man-Fans: who needs eHarmony, find out what it feels like to be matched based on REAL compatibility on the grounds of like hockey fandom! Scour the rink and/or sports bar for a dashing young man sporting your team colours! Or, if you are of the attitude that opposites attract, then keep an eye out for enemy uniforms. Aww, think of all the hockey related teasing that will ensue! I’m picturing erotic tickle fights and scandalous game day wagers!

#5 The Following Coach Dilves: Guy Carbonneau, Craig MacTavish, Paul Maurice, and John Stevens. They give the bench that extra something-something. Raaaaaawwwwwr!

#4 Penalty Box Seats: for those of you lucky enough to have tickets to one of the V-day games, specifically in seats overlooking or next to the sin bin, then have a couple drinks and find out how funny it is to greet every penalized player with, “You’ve been a baaaaad boooooy!” (A shoulder shake is required when saying this!)

#3 Beer: for those of you who would much rather wallow in self-pity over being single on yet another Valentine’s Day, isn’t it convenient that beer and hockey go hand and hand? Have a few extra. No one will notice. Drink ‘til he’s hot! Disclaimer: the preceding activity should not be attempted by any patrons of the Air Canada Centre wishing to avoid bankruptcy!

#2 Body Checks: the players are violently pushing each other’s bodies against the boards – it’s not hard to picture naked. No…thank YOU!

#1 Single Hockey Players: the very definition of hope. (Damn you, Carrie Underwood!)

*For the record, I did not photoshop the above picture. I found it floating around MySpace, and thought it was hilarious!

Posted in Hockey Players, Valentine's Day, female hockey fans, hockey, puck bunnies | No Comments »

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

Since when did, “I play hockey” become a pick up line?

Maybe it’s all in my head, but when I go out on the town, I seem to be a beacon for quote unquote “hockey players.” Now it’s not exactly my style to wear NHL paraphernalia while I am attempting to strut my stuff around the club district. So, visually there is no way for these men to know that I am a hockey addict (and truthfully my knowledge of the game has proven to completely annihilate their swagger at times). This means that the “hockey player” approach to scoring 101 is being used on any and every woman as a lazy attempt to get laid.

Remember the good old fashioned days when a guy would tell you he loved you and then never call you again? Remember how he tried to trick you into thinking that it was going to be all about you? Why can’t the mating process be romantic like that anymore? Now women have to deal with hot shot wannabes and Central leaguers marching up to them and saying, nay, demanding, “I play hockey! Blow me!” Like possessing a basic understanding of stick handling makes them entitled – ha! So, in the spirit of the upcoming holiday of love, I would like to take a look at a few of my favourite/worst pick up attempts from alleged hockey players.

I’d like to start by looking at the night of my twentieth birthday. I was wearing the infamous stripper shirt, and I was about five tequila shots beyond smashed. That was the night I grew out of the university drinking phase that all students go through to some degree. The hangover was so bad that I vowed I would NEVER drink again. I even went a whole year without drinking anything! And, for the most part, I have not consumed more than two or three drinks in one sitting since then. Except in Montreal this season, but that’s another story! Anyway, I was dancing (possibly on a pole), when a guy comes up to me claiming to be one of the Calgary Flames. Little did he know that I A) follow hockey, B) make good use of my Center Ice package, and C) know what this guy actually looks like. “Uhh, no you’re not.” Hahaha! He didn’t even say anything in response, he just ran away with his tail between his legs – good times.

NHL players seem to promote this kind of misrepresentation. Some of them provide their “buddies” back home with extra/old copies of their NHL cards, so that they can go around pretending to be them. Honestly, though, how stupid are some of the girls that fall for this? “Oh you play hockey in Nashville? Well, it makes total sense that you are in northern Alberta in the middle of February then!” *unbuttons shirt*

More recently, this past January, I was out with a couple of my girl friends when a group of “hockey players” approached us and helped themselves to the empty seats at our table. The ringleader was the stereotypical hockey wannabe. He was wearing a hockey lace around his wrist because it was from a “team I was on that made it really far in the playoffs – third, no, second in the country!” Make up your mind, junior! Of course, I had to respond with, “If you ain’t first, you’re last!” He didn’t appreciate this comment, though he did get the reference. He then went off spewing some bull about being drafted by the Toronto Maple Leafs in the seventh round and that he was playing on scholarship somewhere in the States. Not only was this guy NOT drafted by the Leafs, he didn’t even play for that school. If you’re going to lie about being a hockey player, then at least pretend that you play somewhere good, like buddy did at my birthday party!

The funny thing about this guy was that it seemed like he had this whole thing rehearsed with one of his wingmen. At one point the second guy chimed in with, “You were smarter than I was (for getting a scholarship), I shouldn’t have played in the O.” (OHL players cannot play in the NCAA). OK, I don’t even know where to begin with this self proclaimed major junior hockey star. The wingman can only be described as the nonthreatening type – a lover of poetry with a passion for crash diets, puppies, and MTV reality dramas. There was no way! There was just no way!

At one point, my friend heard the ringleader say to his friends, “I want to take these broads upstairs!” OK, Junior Hockey Bible, what exactly did you think you would accomplish on the upper level of the bar? Apparently, he thought there was a “d-floor” (dance floor) up there and he wanted us to “hit” it. Uh, no, I’m afraid this Olde English pub is lacking the standard disco ball and strobe lights – that’s a shame. Moving on.

So, I probably seem like a total bitch that shoots down any guy that comes near me, and that’s just not true. Along the way there have been real hockey players /non-liars that I don’t ridicule because they are who they claim to be. Even if some of their attempts were also lame, it’s just not as interesting because they aren’t posing. The fact that this constant posing exists, and, moreover, that it works, is just more proof of the magnitude of hockey culture. And for the record, I did let one guy get passed (eventually – I’m not some bar hussy). He was not a hockey player by my definition; meaning he didn’t play in a league that paid him enough money to not require off season employment. But he was lip bitingly gorgeous – a combination of Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Paul Walker only way hotter. I even blurted out “WOW, YOU’RE CUTE!” when he first came over to talk to me. Oh, boy.

Anyway, back to the posing. I have also seen this occur in non-scoring situations. While I was working for Maple Leaf Sports, I was assisting the Promo Team at a sales event they were doing in Oakville, ON. An eighteen year old kid peacocks his way over to us claiming that he’s too good to play in the AHL and that he’s going straight to the NHL. Did I mention he was eighteen, and the draft was seriously THAT day! I started drilling him on certain things, and the stuttering began. He claimed to play for the Ottawa 67s, and when I asked him his name he hesitated and ran away. I don’t need to tell you that he wasn’t anywhere to be found in the Hockey DB! He kept walking by all weekend waving at us like he was the hottest shizzz that ever lived. So hilarious, but not the first time I’ve witnessed this either.

Fake hockey players are popping up all over internet communities like Facebook and MySpace. Of course, I’ve come across several of these, but there are three that really stand out. The first was a guy who was drafted in the low rounds of the OHL Priority Selection. He never made the team and was actually playing junior C during the season. On top of sucking at hockey, he was also not attractive. So, instead of using his own pictures, he was using pictures of a renowned OHL ladies’ man – creepy, I know.

The second was a goalie who claimed to be in the Washington system, but playing in Europe. He claimed that he knew that next season he’d be playing in Washington (don’t ask me how he knew that), and that he was just in Europe for the year. By the way, this was not during the Lock Out. Anyway, he was fully trying to put me on; claiming that he was a huge football fan, and that he had seasons tickets to the Patriots, and that he flies in for the games (from Europe) if he doesn’t have a game – essentially, living the high life. Once again, not in the DB!

The third was an American Hockey League player (that’s nothing to sneeze at), that didn’t bother posting his picture online, but told the girls he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend with to “google” him! And it worked! He also was the first to lie to the girls claiming that he played for the big club, when, in actuality, he is STILL waiting for his first NHL game. *sigh* Silly boys. What would I do without you?

*The picture is of Boston Bruins forward, Blake Wheeler. Get it? Wheeler?

Posted in Hockey Players, mating game, puck bunnies | 2 Comments »

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