Warning: Very long and abstract entry ahead!
My blog has had an incredible growth over the off season, and so I know that many of you are new readers that don’t really know what to expect from me during the season. Psycho Lady was really created to be my online diary as a hockey fan. I wanted to show other hockey fans the game through the eyes of a single female alone on the road and getting in to all kinds of trouble. Naturally, I haven’t had the need to post any journal-like entries over the summer since there haven’t been any hockey games for me to go to. Anyway, today is the eve of my hockey season. My NHL action begins tomorrow night with the Flyers and the Leafs!!
If my blog were a TV show, then this would be the part of the season premiere where we revisit what happened at the end of last season so as not to strain the memories of the viewers. The major event of last season was my “mystical six game road trip.” I have alluded to it a few times over the off season, but, truthfully, I clam up whenever people ask me about it or anything relating to my switch to the Phoenix Coyotes. The events of the six game (eleven day) roadie, and all subsequent games, are still detailed in the blog archives, though, I find them terribly embarrassing.
Despite embarrassment, I feel that I need to suck it up, and share my story with you once again, as it will be in the foreground of every hockey game I go to whether I choose to write about it or not. Everything I am, and everything I have (and don’t have) is in this story, and so I know that the only reason I can handle such vulnerability is because I know that you can’t see me. Know that if I were to have to tell you this story face to face, I’d be a deep shade of crimson, glassy-eyed, and stuttering like a nervous moron. An open mind is required for reading this entry, but rest assured that everyone who has heard the story agrees that it is pretty incredible to say the least. Here goes.
I know that there is an overwhelming population out there who don’t believe in psychics or anything of that nature for moral or “scientific” reasons. I will admit that there are lots of hacks out there; “sidewalk psychics” who will read your palm for ten bucks and all that crap. Of course, with any psychic, it’s important to just listen to what is being said and see what happens. After all, you can’t accurately judge a psychic on the spot – you have to wait and see if anything actually comes true.
Back in February 2008, I began to notice a trend with the psychics I was seeing. They had all seen the same thing, and claimed that my “soul mate,””true love,” “destiny” had a connection to Arizona. Arizona seemed like a really bizarre place for me to find romance. It was not on my list of places to visit, and I knew, as the crazy hockey fan I am, that I wouldn’t go there unless it was for hockey. This inevitably brought up the question, “Why the @#$% would I want to go see the @#$%%# Phoenix Coyotes!?!” I decided to just brush it off, and hope for the best, but the same predictions kept coming at me at a faster and faster pace.
By the start of the 08-09 season, I was really beginning to feel like this switch was going to happen even though I desperately didn’t want it to. In my heart, I knew exactly what was going to go down. I started going to more and more games, hoping that I could somehow cheat fate and have this whole Arizona mess averted not only for my sake, but for the sake of all those involved. However, by November, I just accepted it. I pulled up the Coyotes schedule and made out a spread sheet (yes, that’s right, I do that) of possible game plans for the rest of the season should it come to that. The team had a five game eastern kick scheduled in March. This really stuck out to me, and I even highlighted it in a special colour. By Christmas, I had rearranged my finances to support following a Western team instead of an Eastern team – mainly this meant more flights, and less road trips. I was pretty much just waiting for it to happen, but still praying every night that it wouldn’t.
March finally rolled around, and nothing had happened. I was starting to believe that nothing was going to happen. I was on my way to Boston for a game on March 3rd. Boston had really stuck out to me as a place I needed to go, so I made sure I was there for both of my team’s games last season. Anyway, a very odd thing happened when I was packing for the trip. I was only going to be gone for two days, but I packed like I was going to be gone for two weeks. I know this is normal for a lot of girls, but this was really out of character for me. Aside from bringing a spare shirt and pair of socks, I’m usually a really light packer. For absolutely no reason at all, I just kept piling clothes into that suitcase.
The day after the game, I was sitting in Logan International waiting for boarding. I had arrived extra early that day because I wanted to have my flight moved up. They were going to charge me more than what I already paid for the ticket to move it up a few hours, so I promptly said, “Fuck that!” and decided to catch up on some studying. After I finished reading one of the books, I began thinking about the Arizona business again. It was the NHL trade deadline, and I knew deep down that a trade was the key to me switching to Phoenix. I was thinking about how lucky I was that the trade didn’t happen, but I suppose I spoke (thought) too soon.
At that moment, my phone went off. A friend that I hadn’t spoken to in months was texting me to inform me of a trade – THE trade. I jumped out of my seat knowing that this was THE moment, that my time had arrived. I had to act. I had to do something, but I didn’t know what. Suddenly, another text came through, “They play in Buffalo on Friday.” The light bulb went off – my spreadsheet, the eastern kick! The Coyotes must have been on that very road trip! I threw open my suitcase, grabbed my lap top, and quickly found my way over to the Coyotes website. “Next game @ Boston.”
I started to pace around the airport. Something had to be done. I had always said that I didn’t know if I could handle switching teams at random. I wanted to have a flawless transition so it didn’t look like I just abandoned one team for the other. Here I was in Boston while receiving word that I needed to be in Boston – an odd coincidence to say the least. Anyway, I was pacing and I had naturally turned bright red. My brain was saying, “Sit down. Let’s talk this out rationally,” But every other part of me was racing at top speed toward the exit sign.
No matter what you believe about psychics, I think even the biggest skeptics will agree that if a prediction came to fruition, they would probably still act on it. I always use the example of the lottery ticket. If someone or multiple someones kept telling you that you were going to win $27M in the lottery from a ticket you bought at a specific vendor, would you not buy that ticket if you found yourself standing in the doorway of that store even if it was a year later? I think we both know that you’d happily hand over that $2!
My mom used to always say that she didn’t need to have a son because I practically am one. I’ve never been overly girly; never did that whole girl’s night crap like watching chick flicks and reruns of the heinous trolls on Sex and the City. Anyway, my point is that I’ve never had these fairytale, silver screen romantic notions. But at the same time, I was not much for dating around. I always felt like I’d know when something was right, and, unlike some people, I’m not cruel enough to lead someone on. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but at the same time I don’t want to get trapped with the wrong person. I don’t think I’ve ever agreed to a second date in my entire life for that very reason. Maybe this is the wrong approach to take in life, but it has been my approach to this point.
Trembling from a sudden fever at Logan International, I was at my crossroad. Do I take the safe route, turn back, and wonder what could have been? Or do I put my own life on pause in pursuit of the man of my dreams who may or may not exist? For someone who never had love as a top priority this was a major change for me. I would say that this event turned me into a girl pretty damn fast because there was no doubt in my mind about what was the right thing to do. All I knew was that if this person was really linked to this event, then I would do anything for him anyway – the only catch was that I didn’t know him yet. This was by far the most romantic gesture I’ve ever done.
***I feel that it is important for me to stress that I am not under the impression that I am necessarily meant to be with someone who plays for the Coyotes. I see the trade more as a catalyst, but I do know that this person could be anyone. Besides, I doubt there is a hockey player out there man enough to handle someone like me. There is a reason they date fake girls with fake boobs.***
Like I said, I ran like hell toward the exit sign, and hopped in the first cab that would take me back to the hotel. I lied my way out of exams, convinced professors to give me extensions on papers, and went completely AWOL. My family allegedly resorted to tracking my location on my blog, and tried to figure out why I was going from Boston to Buffalo, Long Island, Detroit, and Newark. I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew that my best bet was to shadow the Coyotes road trip until I figured things out.
Deep down, I think I was hoping for lightning to strike as soon as I found myself back in my seat at TD Banknorth Garden. But nothing was immediately obvious to me. On top of it, my stress levels were through the roof. You can only imagine how uncomfortable it is to know that you are being completely insane and going to hockey games for less than admirable reasons. I have never felt more vulnerable in my entire life. My heart was exposed for all to see and that made me want to die. It also made me overly sensitive when I encountered dick moves in Buffalo, and extreme dick moves in Anaheim. I felt like I was being completely slaughtered. I had risked so much to be there for whoever it was, and I was being abused to the point that I was starting to regret ever taking the chance in the first place.
The interesting thing was that whenever there was a sign of trouble, another sign of encouragement would immediately follow in its place. After a horrible game in Buffalo, I found myself in Long Island wishing that I didn’t already have the tickets for the game and thinking that I should have just given up back in Boston. Nassau Coliseum really gave me my first positive reinforcement to keep on track. I had miserably wandered into the little girls’ room when one of those ugly metal framed advertisements stopped me in my tracks. I felt like I was being physically held in front of the sign until I understood it. It was an ad for immigration to Scottsdale. At first I didn’t think anything of it. It didn’t seem out of place to me, until I realized that I wasn’t in Phoenix –I was in Long Island. I knew then that I had to go to Arizona, and made sure to book a stay in Scottsdale before the season ended.
As the Coyotes games continued, I felt myself really starting to crack under the pressure. Trust me, you don’t know stress until you’ve experienced a saga like this. The game in Anaheim was a total disaster. I was finally broken. I gave up. I couldn’t do it anymore; I couldn’t handle the constant hi-sticking to my heart and my ego. The problem was Phoenix was still booked. I was scheduled to touch down for the last game of the season. I decided that I would give it one more shot, but that I wouldn’t go to anything else until that game.
Phoenix finally came around, and it was a really great game. Apart from discovering that Arizona men seemed to be all over my stuff to the point that they sprint after me down the street, my mystery man still remained a mystery. Now I was facing a very long off season, and I still had no answers or any clue as to where to go from there.
I didn’t like the idea of having six months to agonize over the value of my recent decisions. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and try to rule out or confirm the most likely candidates for the position of mystery man. It has been a long summer of nerves resulting from setting myself up for rejection over and over again; and not just any rejection, the worst kind – MySpace rejection. You can only imagine the bitterness one would feel after all this drama. I risked my financial security, my education, my job for this, and for what? My heart is starting to feel like scar tissue.
So, I found myself back at square one. Coming into the 2009-10 season, I had to decide if this melodrama was worth all the suffering it was causing me emotionally. After a very long internal struggle, I decided that I would keep following the path with the Arizona team. If I was meant to do this, then I better keep at it (at least while I can still bear it.) I am a hockey fan first and foremost. I can’t live without it, and no matter what, I will end up on crazy road trips to see one team or another. So, my team might as well be the team with my own personal legend attached to it. Like I said, if I’m supposed to do this, then I better just do it. As Gretzky said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” (HA! Totally lame, but I said it anyway!)
To lighten the mood, the top photo is my first picture from the 2009-10 NHL season. The eve before Flyers@Leafs. I never got a picture of the Alps while I was in Switzerland, so here is my attempt to fool you with my fox-like abilities. Small things amuse me.
