Toronto, ON A return home means a return to all of my favourite haunts, like hockey rinks and restaurants. But enough of that rhyming… In the past few weeks since I left Japan, I have taken several walks down memory lane, and not all of them have been pleasant…
I was recently out with friends at one of my favourite restaurants in Toronto, Southern Accent. I have a lot of fond memories in this place. I probably shouldn’t say this, but this was the first public establishment to serve me alcohol. I was 14 years old, and I haven’t been able to get enough of their famous bourbon sours since then! Plus it’s a really cool spot, with a delicious cajun menu, and an authentic NOLA atmosphere complete with in-house psychics. Basically, I introduce everyone to this restaurant, which is why I’m writing this now, as my first brush with wag whoredom is tied to this place…
I wish I could say I coined the term, “jock sniffer,” but alas that credit goes to someone else. Luckily, I can contribute “wag whore” to the already massive Psycho lexicon. Much like the jock sniffer, the wag whore is a puck bunny with some sort of brain defect or missing chromosome. While the puck bunny has a clear objective, the jock sniffers and wag whores seem to gravitate to the hockey players in a disturbing ass-to-mouth fashion for absolutely no reason at all.
It seems the jock sniffers and wag whores feel that hockey players and those closest to them can do no wrong and deserve more respect than other people just because they play hockey. I’m the last person to get preachy about treating all people as equals because, quite frankly, I don’t do it. I treat people with the same respect they have shown me. An eye for an eye, and all that jazz. The only problem is that once I have that eye, I tend to go after the whole damn head. Call it a personality flaw. My point is that these types of puck bunnies make me want to vomit. Anyway…
What is a wag whore exactly? Well unlike the jock sniffer, the wag whore tends to focus most of his/her ass licking on the players’ wives and girlfriends (wags). It is unclear why this particular puck bunny genus exists, but it likely has something to do with a brain malfunction and plain old fashioned stupidity.
You see, I’ve had my fair share of puck bunnies trying to get close to me as a way to better their chances with hockey players. Hell, I still get weekly emails from random girls asking me for advice on dating hockey players. Not sure why, as I clearly have enough self-respect not to date one successfully, but whatever. Everyone has to learn their own lessons, I guess. And let’s not forget the countless stories I have shared on this site about girls pretending to be my friend until they determined I wasn’t getting them into any locker rooms, and then not only decided to “dump” me, but also decided to spread some of the most outlandish rumours I’ve ever heard about me.
But even after my experiences with the cunts of my past, I still understand where they were coming from, and why they acted the way they did. They wanted some hockey cock, and I couldn’t help them get any. Therefore, I wasn’t any use to them anymore. Pretty simple. Wag whores essentially do to hockey wives what puck bunnies do to me. Which seems a bit ridiculous when you think about it, I mean, what do they think is going to happen? They will become best friends with the wife, and then one day, the hockey player will realize he is actually in love with them, and leave the wag and elope with them to Vegas? Or maybe they think the wag will betray her coven of other wags and set them up with some of the other already taken players. The latter is an unlikely motivation, as the wag whore seems to gravitate to the wag of the player she has the unhealthiest attachment to, and may or may not create Twitter accounts dedicated to his hair, or other body parts.
So what does this have to do with Southern Accent? Gather ‘round children, and I’ll tell you a tale… You see, once I knew this seemingly authentic hockey fan. I had no reason to believe otherwise, and she seemed to think rainbows shot out of my ass. I probably should have recognized this as a warning sign, but I don’t usually feel the need to over examine people. Although she lived in a rather hot and dry State, she “liked” me so much that she was trying to set me up with one of her best friends who just happened to live in Toronto. And the guy was pretty stacked, too – really, really, really smart, great job, tall, shy, and way too good looking for a girl like me, even though he didn’t know it (score!). Anyway, Southern Accent was where we had out first “date,” but we must have gone out about 10 times before I moved on to Korea.
Anyway, despite the fact that this girl liked me enough to expose her best friend to me in a romantic capacity, she quickly turned on me without warning when she used her investigative powers to determine that her “hometown hero (HA!)” and I seemed to have a vicious dislike of each other. Suddenly all bets were off. I mean, my God, she couldn’t very well be friends with someone her favourite hockey player didn’t like. I mean that might stop him from wanting to be friends with her, right? You know, because he gives a fuck and all.
Naturally, I just thought that she was another lonely puck bunny disillusioned by the discovery that I couldn’t help her land her own hockey stallion. That is until I found out she had turned her attention to violently sucking the dick of the hockey player’s mannish girlfriend. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Like, for example, I believe most people are smart enough to know that the “niceness” a fan is met with when confronting a hockey player or wife AT THE ARENA, is likely not their natural state, and likely not the way they would treat them if they weren’t a fan. But, hey, people always end up surprising me with their stupidity. I always laugh when people say shit like, “Such-n-such hockey player is a really great guy!” Oh yeah, you determined that from the autograph table, did you? So maybe girls like her are just dumb enough to buy into it. Either way, this particular wag whore continues to kiss so much ass (despite the fact that this player has long since been removed from “her” team) that her lips are likely stained brown, and her breath forever smelling of shit. Hope she managed to get something out of it all other than looking like a complete moron. At least I had some fun with her friend for awhile, so I guess I have to thank her for that.
P.S. If you are wondering where the rest of the Musical posts and game recaps are, they will be along later. My attention is currently on the articles I am actually paid to write!
Tags: wag whores