It’s the most wonderful time of the regular season – the 2011 NHL Trade Deadline is finally here! In honour of this special day, and since I dropped the ball on doing this season’s installment of fake “Trade Deadline Headlines,” I thought I’d put together a quick list of guidelines for interacting with your fellow hockey junkies today! Here’s hoping your Trade Day goes off with minimal disturbances. I’m personally concerned for the wellbeing of my iPhone. Enjoy, and Happy Trade Deadline, everyone!
On TV Remote Access: Just don’t touch it. I don’t care if you were just turning the volume up or down; Pierre McGuire’s overzealous squeals can only be tolerated at a certain pitch. Even the slightest disturbance to this delicate balance can be catastrophic. God help us if Zach Parise is somehow involved in a deal today!
On Lap Top Access: No, you can’t “just check your Facebook and/or email really quick.”
On Phone Calls: Is it early in the morning and news has been slow? Are you calling to rant or rave about a Blockbuster trade that was JUST announced? If you answered, “Yes” to either of these questions, then proceed to dial. There is no place for venting about your horrible date this weekend at the Trade Deadline. “Really? He kept flirting with the waitress with the fake boobs all night? Well, she probably wasn’t trying to talk to him during Sportscentre, yeah…”
On Text/Tweet Barrages: If a “relevant” transaction happened more than 15-20 minutes ago, then save yourself the effort and don’t try to break it to me. I already know. I don’t need certain Phoenix and/or Nashville news killing my battery…AGAIN! (Rule does not apply if text/tweet is snarky or sarcastic in any way).
On Sext Barrages: It’s never the wrong time for a booty call. They are encouraged, though will likely be ignored until after the Deadline. Also note that time will be needed for post-Deadline hygienic practices. What? Coverage starts early, and one can’t guarantee that a shower will be a part of the equation this morning! Restrictions: No dick pics, please! The Trade Deadline is a holy day!
On Pop Ins: Unless bearing pizza, or otherwise armed with a dueling pistol, this is an ill advised play.
On Productivity: If you were nice enough to go to work today, it is not only your right, but also your duty to slack off to the umpteenth degree. Click here to join the Petition to Make the NHL Trade Deadline a National Holiday!