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June, 2010

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

Hi Paul…

OK I couldn’t resist bringing this up because it’s quite amusing. It was brought to my attention the other day that during a recent interview, Phoenix Coyote, Paul Bissonnette publicly jumped to the conclusion that I want to do bad things to him! Apparently the story goes something like this (I obviously didn’t hear it since I LIVE IN KOREA). As a joke, Bissonnette was confronted with a blog post that the interviewer had clearly come across in his extensive pre-interview research. The blog was written by a lonely Phoenix puck bunny who probably doesn’t get any flack from the she-beasts for her blog because, hey, she ain’t me. Plus, the fans in Glendale are too desperate to get their numbers up to cause any drama and risk that minus one. Anyway, she put together a Top 10 list of all the ‘Yotes players that she wants to bang. Bissonnette’s immediate response was to ask if I was the one behind the post. To be fair to Paul, I assumed he immediately associated the discussion with this Top 10 list I did during my first trip of the 09-10 season to Pittsburgh, but apparently that is not the case.

This bizarre incident is interesting for a couple reasons. For one, I’m always amazed to see how the Anti-Fan Club has managed to spread these rumours about all the hockey guys I’m fucking or trying to fuck. You know sometimes I even start to believe it myself, but then I look down at my belt and realize that all these proverbial notches are nothing more than a figment of some jealous vag-pig’s overactive imagination. Hey, I’m not going to deny that I make the odd comment in appreciation of the fine male form…particularly in the example of Hal Gill, but who doesn’t?! Even the butchiest hockey fans of them all make disturbing comments about “desiring soft hands.” But, anyway, it is interesting to see that these lies have managed to float all the way to the top of the hockey ladder, and the players are now buying right into it, too. But don’t get too excited, ladies! Typically the “slut factor” doesn’t deter guys from trying to score with those girls. So, if you thought all your dream hockey studs will be put off by me and the playing field has now been leveled (because I was naturally in competition with you – of course…), guess again.

Another point of interest for the hate brigade out there, is that this incident provided the public validation that NHL players do in fact read this site. I had alluded to it many times because I did know of a few players that were, in fact, reading this site. Of course, the haters didn’t want to believe any of that. Oh, and for the record, Paul Bissonnette was not one of the aforementioned avid readers. So, there you go. You learn something new every day.

Sadly, since Paul plays for Phoenix, the fact that he is familiar with the website is not all that exciting. After all, he is obviously chummy with my #1 girl-fan, and we all know how (s)he loves to gossip about me. I would be far more impressed if I heard that a player from pretty much any other team was tuning in regularly. Though, I’m not sure why anyone reads this site anymore. I’ve been so lazy and boring since I moved here!

I feel I should close this post off with an anecdote from my time working at Maple Leaf Sports. Back then, I was in the height of a self-imposed stint of chastity – a four year stint I might add (I know I’m SUCH A SLUT, right?). Anyway, there were these two gross-looking (and I mean GROSS!) girls working in the office. Both girls were admittedly screwing everyone! However, what I could never understand was that despite my 110% work ethic and focus, I was always the one that everyone suspected was test driving the talent. I remember complaining to one of my guy friends one night. I had asked him why everyone thought I was doing these things, but yet those other girls were flying under the radar. My friend responded with, “Because they can picture you doing it, not them.” So, please, can all my creepy, and strangely obsessed “female” haters, stop trying to picture me naked before you go to bed at night? It’s kind of disturbing. Thanks.

P.S. Naturally, Bambi had something to say about this incident. Click here to check it out!

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Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

Farewell Tour (Days 11-12): The end of the road – 24+ style!

First of all, I really need to apologize for leaving the “fans” hanging for nearly three months. I hope you can all understand that I had way too much stuff to do with the whole moving to Korea and settling in business. I know most of you probably thought/hoped that I would stop blogging from this side of the planet, but as you can see, you are mistaken. However, I am sure that most of you will lose interest in my life as my story will gradually change from a life with hockey to a life without. However, we are not at that point yet. I still need to post the entries from my NHL Farewell Tours; that is, assuming SOMEONE out there still wants to know what happened.

As I mentioned in Day 10, after the Rampage game ended, I jumped in car and headed for home. I was hoping to make the trip in a single shot, but as my Twitter people probably recall, I ended up crashing for 5ish hours in an off road hotel somewhere in Missouri. As the photos will indicate, the drive was pretty uneventful. The most exciting moments were having a feast at Cracker Barrel, killing off my OnStar minutes with Nick, and the @#$%ing coyote that ran in front of my car. I know what you’re thinking, “Ooohhh a COYOTE! That must be a sign.” Well, if we are playing the sign game still, then I’d say that you’re probably right. However, although I did think that was an odd sighting at the time, I took the shower of AZP “signs” that hit in the last few weeks of my North American life as reassurance that I was suddenly on the right path. But, hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m wrong about everything.

I arrived home in the late morning 36 hours after I left the AT&T Center. Although, I didn’t regret my decision to spend my final game with the baby Yotes as opposed to the big ones with emotional issues, I was sad to have missed out on my last chance to have one (or six) last IN-N-OUT burgers. I had a feeling, though, that my Caps and Stars experiences wouldn’t be my last NHL games this season. Two weeks later, I was at the airport bound for California and the Staples Center.

Roll the credits…

10PM


The AT&T Center in all its “glory…”

11PM


Listening to the big ‘Yotes game. The colour commentary didn’t make me want to vomit…surprisingly…

12AM


Talking Nick’s ear off in an attempt to kill off my remaining OnStar minutes before my departure to Korea – fun!

1AM


“Oh my, my! Oh Hell yes…” The night is lonely as you can see….

2AM


You said…

3AM


Probably a sign that I shouldn’t be operating a motor vehicle.

4AM


Finally made it through Texas…bye bye male dancers of La Bare *tear*

5AM


I need back up!

6AM


Sorry the pictures are so boring, but such is the nature of the trip. It is a solid jam, though…

7AM


Dicks….

8AM


The sun rises in front of me….for the first time….

9AM


The first Canadian I’ve seen in days.

10AM


Now entering Missouri…I was a little early with the clicker.

11AM


Finally hit a hotel for a power nap. This sign ensured that I didn’t sleep well.

12PM – 4PM


Zzzzz… Zzzzzz…

4PM


I have emerged from my slumber in snuggle town…

5PM


Oooohh…. *sings* “I saw the sign…”

6PM


I’m on my way!

7PM


Woo!!! Another State down, a million hours to go….

8PM


Another sunset…

9PM


Oh baby! What I wouldn’t give for some Cracker Barrel right now…

Exactly 11 minutes later…


That would be my third glass of sweet tea. Mmmmm…..I wasn’t feeling the corn bread this time for some reason.

10PM


From the Beavis and Butthead Do America classic. I thought it appropriate as I clearly just did America.

11PM


Apparently the coyote ran in front of my car at the crossroads…

12AM


I’m a very curious person, which is why I’ll risk looking like a crazy person to get to the bottom of a 5 year long mystery. In this situation, there was a fun vending machine in some random off road gas station that promised exotic and scandalous mystery prizes in every box. Naturally, I had to pay the 75 cents to find out what it was….


Unfortunately….the box was all talk….

1AM


Finally tracked down the Rockstar Cola. In other news, I clearly haven’t had any beauty rest in weeks *ahem* my whole life…

2AM


Finally hit the last State on this journey….woooooo!

3AM

This hour was not documented hmmmmmmmm!!!!!

4AM


This music video used to freak me out when I was 5. For some reason the song felt appropriate at the time….but I was also very tired…mentally…

5AM


Dawn begins to break…

6AM


The border!!!! I thought for sure this was going to be a messy situation, but the guard didn’t ask me a damn thing. In the Psycho Hockey universe that is the equivalent of a minor lottery win.

7AM


Enough said…..if you can actually read it that is….

8AM


Beautiful. C’est fini…

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