April, 2010

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010

Farewell Tour (Day 9): Male strippers and the Dallas Stars!

Dallas, TX Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I finally got to see me some rippers and it was the BEST! EVER! It was my first experience with male strippers, and I enjoyed myself tremendously. Did I ever tell you my infamous stripper story? I probably did seeing as it’s pretty much the best anecdote from my sorority days. You see, there was a massive gathering of frat boys over at the frat house next door. The boys had their absolutely huge Kentucky chapter visiting that weekend, and a couple of the girls and I were supposed to be hitting up some gross club in the dirty district in town with them that night. I had just bought this absolutely scandalous top, and by “top,” I mean “two mesh triangles and a couple of strings.” Apparently, I used to go to clubs dressed like a hoe. Oh, to be nineteen again.

Anyway, the girls and I had been pre-drinking a bit when suddenly the rumours that a stripper was coming to call started circulating among the masses. A little while later, the door bell sounded and in walked the stripper WEARING THE EXACT SAME TOP AS ME! You’d think I’d try not to point this out, but the Mike’s Hard had other ideas. Later into the striptease, which, by the way, was set to the musical styling of Blackstreet’s No Diggity on repeat, the stripper, now fully naked, came over to the couch I was sitting on, and sat down. We had a nice little chat about our shirt and where we got it, etc while sixty or so male jaws hit the dirty frat house floor. It was hilarious! Afterwards, I had a sobering thought that maybe I should change out of the stripper wear before we headed to the bars, however, the Mike’s Hard determined that this meant wearing a cowgirl hat instead. I had my hands full that night, as you might have imagined. Ay yi yi.

But back to male stripping. How is Male Stripper not the best job ever? Guys, seriously, do you know what you are missing out on? Yeah, you’re pretty much given a free pass to molest women. Honestly, I think the guys were enjoying themselves more than the women. Although, there were SOME women that were taking it way too seriously; like straight out of the movies, virgin librarian seriously. I was probably minorly molested by four or five strippers/Playgirl centerfolds. You know, the odd jostle of the girls here, a little spank on the ass there – no big deal. But nothing prepared me for what was about to happen the moment I let my guard down. Mr. Romance, as this was his name, came up behind me, grabbed me by my hair, and dragged me onto the stage where he proceeded to mock 69 me. MOCK. SIXTY. NINE! Mary would later remark that as she witnessed this greased up man doing his thing all over me, she knew I would never be the same. I think she might be right. There really aren’t enough hair pullers out there if you ask me.

The little guy that kept spying on me during the game.

Oh right, there was a hockey game that night. Right. Right. Well, as you probably already knew, the Stars/Oilers game was my first game at the American Airlines Center – my twenty-first active NHL rink visited to date. It’s not a bad facility, and any place that serves BBQ brisket is OK by me. The game was really exciting. Dallas dominated during the first and third periods to pull away with a huge win over Edmonton. However, Edmonton “showed some real promise.” It was cool to see Canadian teams at both NHL venues on this trip. I love to hear foreigners sing the Canadian national anthem. Like that guy in LA last night! He actually read the lyrics off his Blackberry, and incorrectly no less! Also, the Stars have probably one of the best looking teams in the league, so you can imagine the man meat overload that night when male strippers followed behind the likes of Brad Richards and company. Oh baby.

Sadly, it was my last night in Dallas, and my last night with Mary and her family. Luckily it was one for the ages. If I ever come back from my roamings around the world, another trip to the Lone Star state will definitely be in the works.

Roll the credits…

Most memorable road track: Boston (Bruins) 2008-09.

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