February, 2010

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

After I met my very first puck bunny.

Continued from How I met my very first puck bunny.

About a month after that pivotal last game of the season, I decided to move an hour away from home (and my precious junior hockey team), and finish high school in Toronto. I was seventeen and still in the habit of coming home on the weekends. My friends were becoming more and more rabid for the junior hockey scene since their encounter with the locker room puck bunnies during the last game of the playoffs. Naturally, they had replaced me with some new aspiring puck bunnies since I was in Toronto for at least five days a week. And let me tell you, they had been up to no good.

A couple months into the season I found myself at a game with my friends and these new puck bunnies for the first time. They were in the habit of waiting after every single game, and the fact that I was the one with the car keys still didn’t give me enough authority to convince them to vamoose. Once again, I pressed myself up against that same spot on the wall near the locker room trying not to embarrass myself. However, I still felt incredibly awkward regardless.

One of the new girls had a massive crush on some of the new blood on the team that year. All the girls piled around him when he got off the bikes and was heading toward the locker room door. I was looking around the arena almost subconsciously trying to disassociate myself with the girls fawning all over this new guy who was supposed to be the next big thing. But as I turned back towards my girls, I saw his eyes staring right into me. The thought that he was probably watching me the entire time made my cheeks glow red. It wasn’t one of those harmless glances either; he was fully attempting to steal my virginity with his eyes. I could tell by the smile on his lips and the twinkle in his eye that I would be in serious trouble if I didn’t avoid him at all costs. Unfortunately, my friends had other plans.

Once lover boy had marked his territory, my cluster began bending over backwards to get him whatever he wanted, which just happened to be me in this case. I always thought this was odd especially considering that one of the girls was so “in love” with him that she was buying up all his merchandise at the team store. They went to some incredible lengths like impersonating me on the phone and Internet because I wasn’t interested enough to contact him myself. But I think the strangest thing of all was that they were no longer confident that my looks were good enough for him.

The night that he first saw me I was dressed in my usual fashion, jeans, ponytail, and no makeup – nothing special. It was kind of funny how my friends never stopped to consider that the way I looked that night was what attracted him in the first place. Instead, they would make me come over to one of their houses a few hours before each game so they could have a “pretty party.” This party basically consisted on me sitting there while they did my hair and makeup. I don’t think I had ever worn makeup before this, truthfully. And it wasn’t just makeup; they’d do things like buy me shirts they thought I should wear to the next game for no good reason other than the fact that they felt it was very important that he needed to see me wearing them. The whole process kind of felt like a “preparing of the virgin” so to speak; it was a bit disturbing and terrifying. I wonder if normal non-puck bunnies do this kind of stuff for their friends.

I wasn’t really into the guy at first, but eventually I came around. He was just so…pathetic. I don’t know how else to describe it. He was probably the first guy to ever really show a romantic interest in me. The guy practically followed me around like a little puppy dog, and I just ended up getting used to it. What I once thought was pathetic started to seem adorable. But, like all things, it didn’t last. The male ego got in the way. At that age the ego has a hard time keeping up with the body I think.

My girl friends flew into panic mode at the news that things were no longer working out between us. They had to think of plan to get themselves in with the players because they knew they couldn’t rely on me anymore. I still loved hockey and the team, but everything was still fresh, so I didn’t really want to have an overwhelming presence at the arena. I finally hit my breaking point with the puck bunny behaviour after one horrible game a few weeks later.

They lied to me. They told me they bought us all tickets for the game that night. We were allegedly in row J (out of S), so I was comfortable with the idea. However, we were actually in the first row, which caused more teenage awkwardness than I needed at that point. I really wasn’t ready to see him that close up again, but glass seats turned out to be the least of my worries that night. For the first time ever I didn’t drive to the game. One of the newbies got her licence and so she was in charge of our comings and goings. Not only did they have to wait around after the game, they heard that there was a team party going on and they decided to find it.

My last memory of my time with these girls was of me sitting in the back seat of a soccer mom minivan, while the girls followed the players’ cars. They just happened to be directly behind my guy’s ride as well, which caused me to duck down in my seat and wish for death. It was at that moment right there that I realized that these girls, my friends, had fully crossed over to puck bunnydom. The funny thing was that they hadn’t done any of the stereotypical things that a puck bunny was “supposed” to do. Puck bunnies were supposed to be girls that just messed around with the players, so if any of us fit that bill, it was me not them. These girls had just become so obsessed with the players that they turned our friendship into a type of business – the business of landing a hockey player boyfriend.

I never saw those girls again in the hockey capacity. They became more and more consumed by the way of the puck bunny until finally they were getting into some serious criminal dealings in their attempts to meet the team, like theft, vandalism, and stalking. They never got anywhere with any of the players, which kind of made everything seem so unnecessarily traumatic in hindsight. After all, they dropped me at a time when I needed the support of my friends most of all, and for what, a hockey team made up of complete strangers?! That’s why I laugh when I see my “haters” go after me on rumour sites, etc because they think that by siding with the player that I have an alleged conflict with that he and his team will magically know and care about who they are. That behaviour has always been a tell tale sign of a puck bunny for me. It’s sad that people are still that pathetic, though; after all, they don’t have the excuse of being in high school anymore.

You can see why I was suddenly inspired to research puck bunnies and write a book about them after this experience. Funny story: after all of this shit went down, what those girls didn’t know was that a few months later a certain hockey player was down on his knees begging me for forgiveness. Not only that, but we also had a bit of a thing again a few years later after he made it to the pros. I wonder if my friends would still think ditching me over a hockey team was worth it if they knew that this was the case. Of course, it would have been a less nightmarish experience if I was able to peer into the future, too. It’s like that song says, “I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger.”

Thus concludes Puck Bunny Month! Hope you liked it!

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Saturday, February 27th, 2010

Facebook kills puck bunnies dead!

Did Facebook kill the puck bunny like video killed the radio star? It’s another crazed theory of mine that social media may be a contributing factor to the declining numbers of these lovable critters. When zoologists study endangered species, for example, one of the variables they take into consideration is the food source or the chain of command in its habitat. Whether the species in question is the hunter or the prey, shifts in hunting practices can either cause numbers in one or both species to devastate or overwhelm the ecosystem. So, it’s no surprise that hunting practices in the underworld of hockey players and puck bunnies would impact the poor showing that these ladies are putting up on game day.

So how do puck bunnies hunt? Well, there are several ways from arena lurking to speed racing to staking out in front of the players’ homes, but maybe the biggest tool available to puck bunnies is the Internet. Arguably, the puck bunny uprising coincided with the Internet/computer take over in the mid ‘90s to the early 2000s, as did the more depraved aspects of hockey culture. Websites like Junior Hockey Bible and rumour forums were key contributors in the mass spreading of unsavoury hockey player related information to the point that these doings simply became common practice. The hockey “lifestyle” was born.

Naturally, the puck bunnies evolved with the times and began using the earlier and more primitive networking tools like MSN, AIM, and, yes, even ICQ to improve their games. Puck bunnies would share player contact information with each other on the aforementioned gossip sites (don’t get excited, dear, this activity is still illegal), and players began reporting that random girls would add them pretty much daily. The players and unattractive puck bunnies alike were loving this new technological advancement. True story: I remember this fierce puck bunny back in the day. She was a…big lady….I don’t know how to say that any more delicately. Anyway, according to her bff, who was in my grade twelve economics class, she used to send the players to a personal website of a porn star, who just happened to have the same first name, so they could see what she “looks like.” Unfortunately, for the hockey stars, 2% body fat and implants didn’t show up at their billets’ front doors, but fortunately, for our festively plump friend, seventeen year old boys weren’t about to tell a sure thing to take a hike. Everyone’s a winner!

But, of course, there can be too much of a good thing. MySpace and other social media sites started to put MSN and the like to shame. Finally, when Facebook opened its doors to non-university students all Hell broke loose. It was suddenly way too easy to know everything there was to know about everyone. Seems like this would be a good thing for the puck bunnies, right? Well, it was, at first, but then Facebook started ruining people’s lives. People started losing their jobs because of questionable photos or wall posts, marriages dissolved due to public extramarital flirtations, and the conflicts were not any smaller in the puck bunny realm.

Sure, there were the traditional hockey types that used Facebook to score with puck bunnies and cheat on their girlfriends. I knew one guy that didn’t use his real name (so his girlfriend wouldn’t find out), and told his targets to “Google him” as proof that he was really an AHL player. It was fun for a while, but then everyone started getting Facebook, which meant that the girlfriends started getting Facebook. Suddenly, the hockey players were being forced to fess up to their unfortunate relationships with the dreaded “Facebook Relationship Status” lest they receive a thorough tongue lashing from the old ball and chain (and not the type they like either). These declarations only resulted in massive swagger killing and style cramping.

So, why would the online revelation that the hockey player has attached himself to a rank hag deter the puck bunnies from their prerogative? Contrary to popular belief (and the belief is only popular due to the overwhelming amount of people that seem to think that when a hockey player has been linked romantically or sexually to a woman, who isn’t his rank-ass hag, that she is somehow automatically the villain/slut in the transaction), most of the women and puck bunnies that have helped the hockey players to engage in their extracurricular affairs were actually misled, by the player himself, into believing that he was in fact single. I know you may be shocked, but some of these women actually abide by moral codes which would keep them from having any hand in adultery (but, even if they didn’t, the hockey player is the one with the relationship and the responsibility to his girlfriend, the girl isn’t).

The revelation of the aforementioned hockey hag via social media sites, like Facebook or Twitter, is slaughtering the new generation of puck bunnies before they have even matured. The ugly truth about the rank hag disillusions the puck bunny early on before her initial interest and budding attraction in the player develops into full blow motivation and desire. With the absence of sites like Junior Hockey Bible, and the dwindling popularity of the rumour boards, this new wave of puck bunnies is likely not as familiar with certain truths about the hockey world and the fidelity of the players. Therefore, when the young bunny comes into contact with the hockey girlfriend’s online avatar, she cannot be bothered to pursue him any further, and her attention turns back to the hottie in her fourth period history class. Wow, who would have thought that the ultimate online stalking tool would destroy the puck stalkers’ game completely? Perhaps, we have a whole new wave of monogamous hockey players about to enter the pros to look forward to! Yeah…you’re right… probably not…

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