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January, 2010

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Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Quiz: What Type of Puck Bunny Are You?

As I mentioned in my Chicago posts, I was thinking about changing pace during the month of February. After a couple shocking OHL games during the Christmas break, I decided that I needed to go out and reevaluate one of my favourite subjects, puck bunnies! Since February is the month of love and all things that it entails (and the dreaded Olympic break), I figure what better time to hit the road locally, and become better acquainted with the estranged puck bunnies of the Ontario Hockey League. All month long, Psycho Lady Hockey will be dedicated to topics and stories of the puck bunny variety. I hope you’re as excited as I am because it is going to be an awesome month!

So, to kick off the festivities, I’ve decided to repost the puck bunny quiz as seen in the pages of my book Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies (2004). The quiz was a big hit when it was originally posted in the summer. I think I had something like 200 new followers on Twitter that day! That was a big deal at the time because I had only been on the Twitter train for a few weeks at that point! Anyway, I hope the new wave of Psycho Lady readers will enjoy it just as much! Get excited, it’s almost Puck Bunny Month!!

1. How many hockey games do you attend per season?
[a] Less than ten games per season.
[b] One game a week. Usually every Friday home game.
[c] All the home games, and the odd road game.

2. You and your friends notice a new player on your favourite team. You say,
[a] “Was #28 on the team before?”
[b] “#28 was just traded here a couple days ago. He’s 6’2,” 205lbs, and a Scorpio.”
[c] “Wow, #28 is cute! I bet his dick is huge!”

3. Your hockey shrine consists of:
[a] A mint condition game day program.
[b] A game day program complete with team signatures, tickets from every game you have ever attended, a team flag, both home and road jerseys (also complete with signatures), homemade pompoms, newspaper clippings, a few tapes of games recorded off TV, and a framed picture of you and that hottie #8.
[c] A disc that contains naked images of you and three members of your hometown team, condom wrappers labeled with the names and numbers of the players who used them, and the pair of boxers that you stole from #8 after you slept with him…or was it #14?

4. It’s your favourite hometown hero’s birthday. To honour this occasion, you:
[a] Send him an e-greeting.
[b] Get together with your friends and bake him a birthday cake, but eat it yourselves.
[c] Give him a blowjob.

5. It’s game day, and you have front row seats. You need to look extra good. You:
[a] Brush your hair, and keep a lip gloss on hand.
[b] Schedule a day at the beauty salon.
[c] Decide that a transparent t-shirt bearing the words, “Lick Me” is best worn sans bra.

6. The best aspect of hockey is:
[a] The fights.
[b] The hot, sweaty boys roughing each other up.
[c] The well sculpted male specimens who play with big sticks.

7. History class is starting to drag. As usual, you:
[a] Chat to your friend about tonight’s game.
[b] Draw pictures of your hockey boys, and doodle their initials on your binder.
[c] Write a detailed entry in your sex diary about what you and #25 did last night.

8. The team is on the road and the hockey game is not on TV. You:
[a] Will read about it in tomorrow’s paper.
[b] Drive to the arena with your friend, for ambiance, and tune into the game on your local AM radio station.
[c] Could care less. You are at the game.

9. You like hockey players because:
[a] They are extraordinarily talented athletes.
[b] They’re cute.
[c] They have the good and know how to use them.

10. The word you most associate with hockey is:
[a] Power-play.
[b] Bunny.
[c] Naked.

11. When discussing last night’s game, you remark:
[a] “#32 got a game misconduct after he got into a huge fight.”
[b] “#32 looked at me three times during the warm up.”
[c] “I messed around with #32 last night.”

12. How many hockey players do you know personally?
[a] Two
[b] Six
[c] Twenty-nine.

13. If a hockey player were to talk to you, he’d say:
[a] “Nice to meet you.”
[b] “Thanks, you’re a cutie, too.”
[c] “Oh, that feels so good!”

14. Your pregame ritual involves:
[a] Double-checking your purse to make sure you have the tickets.
[b] Eating your favourite player’s favourite food and listening to a CD of the team’s warm up music.
[c] The removal of all “inconvenient” body hair.

15. If your hometown did not have a hockey team, you:
[a] Would get a new hobby.
[b] Don’t want to think about it.
[c] Would be a virgin.

Scoring

Mostly A’s – Puck Bunny in Denial

When people accuse you of being a puck bunny, you usually get defensive. You have a sincere love for hockey and know a great deal about it. You may have had genuine intentions when you started going to local hockey games, but had a hard time ignoring the allure of the hockey players. You are likely to educate your friends on how you are above puck bunnies because you know how to call an offside. You try to get to know a few players on your hometown team, which is okay as long as you do not throw yourself at them. You have most likely slept with a hockey player or two. You think this behaviour does not make you a puck bunny because they are the ones who came on to you. You are hurt when a hockey player uses you. You feel like he has treated you like a puck bunny, and you know that you are not one. Truthfully, you do get carried away with hockey. Sometimes it is just more fun to focus on the players than it is on the game.

Mostly B’s – Puck Bunny and Proud of It

You love being a puck bunny, and try to incorporate your bunnyism into all aspects of your life. You know a good number of players on your hometown team, and live by the things they say to you. You have an innocent approach with the hockey players. You fantasize about being their girlfriend, and all the cuddling privileges that comes with the title. You have never slept with a hockey player, or even fooled around with one. Your obsession for hockey players exceeds that of any other type of puck bunny. You keep everything related to your hometown heroes, from tickets to a piece of gum that you saw one spit out. You stay true to one team, and act as the promotions coordinator a lot of the time. You introduce everyone you know to local hockey. You sport team logos and colours everywhere that you go and in everything that you do, like decorating a birthday cake for your favourite player. In the offseason you work diligently on the fan website that you created.

Mostly C’s – Puck Slut

You may, or may not go to many hockey games, but you are well aware that you are a puck bunny. You feel that your breed is the only true form of the puck bunny, as you believe that girls are not puck bunnies unless they sleep with hockey players. To say that you have had sex with these boys is an understatement. You do whatever a hockey player wants you to, and you are not ashamed that you have been passed around the team. Members of various other hockey teams also know you. You appreciated being able to accurately picture members of both teams naked when they are being physical with each other and fighting on the ice. However, you are not made of stone. You secretly hope to be a player’s girlfriend someday. If a hockey player uses you, it hurts. To deal with this rejection, you sleep with more hockey players; perhaps hoping that the one who wronged you will be jealous. You do love to brag about all your sexual adventures with the hockey gods. You have been around the league and done things characteristic of black market porn.

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Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Coyotes@Red Wings 24 Style – Bambi Does MotorCity.

Since January 26th was the first birthday of Psycho Lady Hockey, it seemed only fitting that I celebrate the occasion with a hockey game. (Did you know that it was Wayne Gretzky’s birthday that day, too? I feel special!) I wasn’t feeling too adventurous, so I figured a game close to home would be the best. I’ve been to Detroit several times for games, including Phoenix games. It’s a usual haunt for me. So, anyone who may have “questioned” why I would have gone there would clearly have just been looking for a pointless excuse to open communication with me – I figure.

Anyway, a few days before the game, Bambi begged and pleaded with me to let her go to the game in my stead. I was pretty leery about this given Bambi has a terrible track record at hockey arenas. And I’m not talking in the sense that she is bad luck for one team or the other, but rather, sometimes, she takes the puck bunny behaviour a little too far. The last time Bambi was at a game, she was so taken with the fact that one of the players kept smiling at her (and I have to admit, he was a total babe), that, upon him scoring in the remaining five minutes of the game, she ripped her top off and started waving it around her head like a lasso. I should also point out that she neglected to wear a bra to this event. And I should also-also point out that this was a minor league game! It has been years since I have let her go to another game with good reason.

For those of you who don’t know Bambi, she is a raging puck bunny who embraces the term and the lifestyle. But don’t be fooled by that fact, she still knows a shitload about hockey. She is a bleach blonde, fake tanned, wannabe Barbie doll stripper, and that’s why we love her. She can be a bit self-centred, bitchy, and in many ways evil, but I think that’s all part of her appeal. To get to know Bambi, make sure you click here to follow her on Twitter. Don’t forget to follow Carmen as well, so the poor girl doesn’t get a complex that nobody likes a daywalker… I mean…red head.

Take it away, Bambi.

OK, so I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say here. I was told to take pictures of myself every hour, and that’s it. Whatever. I left the T-dot extra early. I had to sneak away while Carm was in the shower, so she wouldn’t cramp my style. Hello, sometimes hot guys try to pick you up on the highway, and I really don’t need a head full of ginger cock blocking me, thanks. I didn’t see too many prospects, though, there were these two guys working at the Esso when I stopped for gas that just WOULD NOT STOP STARING. Take a picture, right?

The border guard was hot, but a total douche bag. He thought I looked dangerous or some shit. He asked me if I had ever been arrested. Umm for what, buddy? All the illegal porn you’re currently fantasizing about me doing in your head right at this moment? Please, let me through already, so you can take a Jergens break. It was kind of funny that while I was crossing the border to come back to Canada, they asked me similar questions. Did I have pepper spray on me? I can see how that would be a legitimate concern. They obviously thought I needed to know how to defend myself against an onslaught of negative male attention. Little did they know that negative male attention is my favourite!

The game was wicked awesome! Psycho and Carm were texting me saying how jealous they were that I was at the Joe and they weren’t. I’d like to point out that I’m pretty sure the Coyotes won because of me. The entire friggin’ team was staring down my shirt all night! And let me tell you, what I’ve got going on down there inspires great things. You’re welcome, Phoenix.

That’s all I really have to say, I’m supposed to pick a song now for the “credits” or something lame like that…

10 AM Stole the keys from Carm and heading off to D-Rock. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, they are real.

11 AM Stopped at the ‘Rents to drop off some ish. No one was home, so I left them a friendly note on the fridge.

12 PM Attempting to take a picture of myself in the mirror. FAIL.

1 PM I don’t know why people always think I’m up to no good…

2 PM Great Success!

3 PM Psycho told me to be cautious if I felt like I was receiving some type of sign. Between 3 and 4 PM I started randomly taking pictures of the radio. I came out with three pictures: Trouble, Phoenix, Warning. How interesting.

4 PM Stopped for some Lupper just before the bridge. It’s like no matter where I go, Carmen is always right there with me!

5 PM Sitting in front of the Joe. I got bored, so I decided to send some assholish text messages to Grand Rapids with hilarious results.

6 PM Me and my Jungle Juice!

7 PMOne of the few moments this kid wasn’t all over my stuff. It was like he knew me or something. Probably in his dreams LOL!

8 PM My homeboy,Todd Bertuzzi!

9 PM Random view from my seat! HOTT!

10 PMHome again. More of me, me, me, me!

11 PM Stupid biatch working the McDonald’s behind PUCK MASTERS screwed up my order. I was too hungry and cold to go in and complain, though. Anyway, sorry people, but I lost interest in the whole “24″ project at this point. Going on road trips by yourself is HARD. I don’t know how Psycho Lady does it…seriously!

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Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Top 10 Tuesday: Another year older, another year sexier.

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! It’s hard to believe that there has already been a full year of Psycho Lady Hockey in the history books. I have had some great and some horrible memories of these first 365 days. This week’s list recounts some of the greatest and more significant moments that this Psycho Lady has experienced since I first opened that account on Blogger not so long ago. Buckle your seatbelts for another cheesy clips installment of Top 10 Tuesday! Enjoy!

10. First Blog Entry

For a couple months I had been contemplating starting a blog. After the producers and the possible TV shows, I was advised to create a site as a place to post my research material while I was off on my hockey excursions. On January 26, 2009, Psycho Lady Hockey was born. Writing that first blog entry on my life in hockey up until the starting point of the site took me hours. I don’t think I have ever been so nervous about something I was writing before that post – 30 page university papers included! Luckily, after my first few posts, I started to loosen up, and just have fun with the content that you have all grown to love, or obsessively hate. Either way.

9. Saved and Nearly Killed by My Flyers Fuzzy Dice

Technically, being saved by my Flyers fuzzy dice happened a couple weeks before the birth of this site, however, the tale was the topic of my third blog post. Speeding on my way to Philadelphia, I was pulled over by Officer McHotterson, who used my Flyers dice as a way to avoid giving me a pretty hefty speeding ticket. Two months later, in Newark, these same dice attracted some unwanted attention from some crazed Devils fans. I was beginning to understand the magnitude of the New York area fandom. Like I’ve said many times, I haven’t seen a rivalry as intense as Islanders-Rangers-Devils. They love to hate each other, and everyone else, even if that team is nowhere to be found.

8. Arizona Prophecy

It’s probably impossible for any of you to actually grasp the Arizona Prophecy because I’ve kept quite a few details out of my posts. Nevertheless, the Arizona Prophecy prompted severe action from me because of the timing of the events. As a hockey fan, I was going to be traveling for hockey no matter what. It didn’t seem like such a bad thing that I switch to a team that was located in an area that I was supposedly linked to in some way. It’s kind of like those forwards you get in your inbox that promise that if you don’t pass it on to twenty people, bad luck will befall you. You know it’s highly unlikely that you’re going to be miserable for the next ten years if you don’t pass it on, but part of you keeps thinking, “What if I just delete this email and horrible things DO happen to me for the next ten years.” Sure it might not happen, but, if it did, wouldn’t you kick yourself knowing that this simple act may have prevented the misfortune. I guess that’s kind of how I approached the Arizona Prophecy. All I needed was a hockey team; Phoenix just provided me with the insurance of keeping all my bases covered.

7. Mystical 6 Game Road Trip

My first major adventure after the switch in team allegiance. The mystical six game roadie happened spontaneously after a two day trip to Boston, to see the Flyers play, turned into an eleven day quest. For these eleven days, I was pretty much out of contact with the world. My family had to resort to tracking me via Psycho Lady Hockey, just to see where I was. Ah, the days before my next game information required top secret clearance. For the first time in my life, hockey began to feel like a life or death thing. I traveled by car, rental car, and planes between Boston, Buffalo, New York, Detroit, and New Jersey. This was definitely one of the craziest, and most sleep deprived trips of my life! Thank goodness for over packing! This event also brought the first wave of Psycho Lady fans to the surface. Until that point, I had only heard from the odd reader. But once I began posting about this adventure, I had messages flooding in demanding to know what happened next.

6. Infamy in Pittsburgh

After a rough and regretful trip to Anaheim last season, I arrived in Pittsburgh tired, hungry, and with dysfunctional hair extensions. We buzzed around downtown Pittsburgh looking for a place for me to get emergency hair surgery (seeing as I looked like a scarecrow with my Calgary Flames Cowgirl hat). After the operation, we had but a few precious moments to get to the rink, and made the first mistake of downing a bottle of bubbly in our haste. The game is a blur of free beer, nachos, and fans whispering about drunk Canadians. After the game, I unleashed the fury on an unsuspecting Pittsburgh Penguin, only to wind up lying in a bed in one of Britney Spears’s tour buses. The next morning was unpleasant to say the least.

5. New Mission

Up until the mystical six game road trip, I had only been traveling out of convenience as a super fan. Seeing as my team was Philly, and I lived in Toronto, I basically only traveled to the most unchallenging locations to see my team play. I tried not to miss any Flyers games in Montreal, Ottawa, Buffalo, and Toronto. But other than those cities, Philadelphia was really the only location I was frequenting. After I switched teams, and went on this crazy adventure, I started to realize that visiting all the arenas at least once is something that I would really enjoy doing! This new mission also gave me an idea for a new book, however, I don’t think it’s fair for me to even begin writing it until the last eleven rinks are under my belt!

4. Taking the Road Show Over Seas

In another one of my crazed moves of the 08-09 NHL season, I found myself on a last minute flight to Zurich for the IIHF World Championship. Let me tell you, going to Europe by yourself can really get lonely. I was watching a lot of Euro MTV a.k.a. one of two English speaking channels (the other being CNN). The most amusing thing about this trip was that I didn’t tell anyone that I was going. Instead I told my family that I was in Pittsburgh for the Flyers series during the playoffs. I chose Pittsburgh instead of Montreal because I knew that if my family thought I was in the States, they wouldn’t bother trying to call my cell phone, thus, not hearing the give away beeping sound that you receive on calls to Europe. No one caught onto my lie for three whole months, until a German receipt fell out of my purse, and I was found out.

3. Welcome to Twitter

At the end of June, I decided to finally join Twitter. I didn’t really see what the point of Twitter was for someone who didn’t have her own business or anything like that, until I realized that I could use it to meet other hockey fans. I don’t think the offseason will ever be the same again. Meeting hockey fans from all over the world made those normally (emotionally) volatile three months a lot more bearable. Twitter also became a great way to compliment my work on Psycho Lady Hockey. If you’re an avid reader, but not following me on Twitter, you should be. It will help you bridge some of the gaps!

2. Psycho Lady Hockey Becomes Too Popular

Apparently. By early October, the jealous underbelly of wannabe puck bunnies began to come out of the woodwork in an attempt to “destroy” me, I guess. Textbook puck bunny behaviour. Hate on anything that might be getting what they not-so-secretly desire. From stalking me daily both on my blog and on Twitter, to spreading rumours about things their mental disorders thought they read on my site, to mounting campaigns to get the other lowly mirror-breakers to join forces in a “mass” unfollow, the Psycho Lady Anti-Fan Club has only succeeded in sensationalizing me to catastrophic numbers as far as they are concerned. If that wasn’t amusing enough, a couple of them have taken to trying to isolate individuals who are outwardly supportive of this website and my existence. Won’t make any friends that way, my girls. Keep up the good work, you’re making my job a whole lot easier.

1. Ducks Fans and Players Show Me a Sign

The Anaheim fans, maybe the most enthusiastic fans in the league, were quick to jump on my Show Me a Sign campaign. In true Ducks fashion, these ladies went above and beyond in their pitch to get me to join their ranks. Not only did they make an amazing and glittery game sign, but they also managed to get Ducks players, George Parros and Joffrey Lupul, to model their handy work. I was obviously quickly sold on the Anaheim club after this gesture. The bar was set very high right out of the gates with this contest. Which reminds me, if you are attempting to make a game sign in the near future, make it small. There have been a few reported incidents of Psycho Lady signs being confiscated at the door due to size.

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Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

Appearance on The Digital Domain Online Radio Show!

As promised yesterday, the boys over at HKC Radio gave me a link to the portion of The Digital Domain Online Radio Show that has my hour long guest appearance in it. The Digital Domain Online Radio Show is a two hour comedy free for all, which just happens to be run by two very crazy Islanders fans! They decided to have a special hockey related episode in which Bob and I went head to head to compete for the title of Craziest Hockey Fan! I don’t want to give anything away, but I *think* I came out ahead! Click here to check out all the fun and hilarity! You will once again be prompted to save it to your computer. I would strongly recommend going to the HKC Radio site and checking out the archived version of the entire show! It was a great one! Also, don’t forget that Go Away, Puck Bunnies aired as soon as I hung up the phone, so if you didn’t get a chance to hear it, go to my previous post for the link! Enjoy! And, once again, Bob and Nick, thanks for having me on your wicked show last night!

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Friday, January 22nd, 2010

Go away, puck bunnies!

Although it seems very timely, a couple weeks ago, the guys from The Digital Domain Online Radio Show at HKC Radio told me that they were inspired to create a hilarious response to the oddly obsessed Psycho Lady Hockey stalker-haters. The segment debuted on the show tonight immediately following my hour long guest appearance (link to come tomorrow in case you missed it). This is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard! So, click here to listen to, Go Away, Puck Bunnies! You will be prompted to save it to your computer. Enjoy! P.S. Thanks Bob and Nick! I had a blast on your show tonight!

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Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

Chicago (Day 3): Snowstorms and lacy things.

I rolled out of bed pretty late on that Monday. I was feeling kind of lazy and lost the will to do anything crazy in my usual form. I had been toying with the idea of either continuing on to Minnesota, or heading south to Dallas. I think I crave the adventure maybe more than I crave the actual hockey. Unfortunately, I was ill equipped to embark upon another “mystical six game road trip” like I had spontaneously mounted last season at the beginning of March. So, I decided that a trip to Victoria’s Secret was all the excitement I was going to have that day.

I ended up checking out of the hotel way later than I had expected. I was watching HBO or something while I was packing, and He’s Just Not that Into You came on. I was very against the whole idea of that movie when I first heard about it. I really hate all that self-help dating stuff, especially considering it’s usually based on the experience of the individual, and centres around women having to modify their behaviour to be even remotely worthy of any man. I won’t go off on one of THOSE tangents, though. And, like I said, I don’t read those books and haven’t read this particular book either. All I know is that my friends that do subscribe to this brand of garbage, basically turn into walking doormats the moment a penis enters the vicinity. Whatever works, right? I’m personally not a doormat, nor do I find doormats attractive. So, I would definitely rather be without someone who wants that type of person *ahem* stereotypical hockey wife.

Anyway, when the movie was about to come on, I reached for the remote to flick it off, but had a curious change of heart. I thought that I’d see how this movie handled all the grade A advice staining the pages of the book. I was only going to watch it for twenty minutes or so while I finished getting my stuff together, but I have to admit that it was surprisingly good. Long after I had packed and put my coat on to leave, I could not pull myself away from it. I had to see how it ended. I was literally perched on the end of the bed in my winter coat, boots, and with car keys in hand for a solid hour at least! What I found interesting about the movie was that all the main characters ended up being “exceptions.” I kind of like that big F you the writers appear to have sent to the author of the book by doing that. After all, what good can the theories and “rules” be if they can’t even hold up?

At 1PM, I finally left my hotel and was bound for the big Victoria’s Secret on Michigan Ave. Surprise! They just happened to be having their Semi Annual Sale. I knew this was going to be more than a quick run in to pick up a new bra. I spent two whole hours in that place, and came away with some gems like the top photo suggests. Mine’s black, though, and it looks better on her, I’m pretty sure. It was great for me to actually have something to declare when the border guard asked me how much I spent on goods. They usually find it suspicious that I never go shopping when I’m away on my trips. Sorry, I just really HATE that activity. This time around, my border guard was a femme, and we had a nice little chat about the sale.

At three, I was back on the road and headed directly into the same hideous weather I hit on my initial journey to the Windy City. Luckily, I stumbled upon Easy Street somewhere in the-middle-of-nowhere, Michigan. Literally. I stopped for gas in some no name spot, which happened to be off a meaningless road with Easy St. labeled on the street sign. So, that’s where it is! Unfortunately, the streets weren’t easy for very long. I still had the 402 to conquer, and, of course, it did not falter in providing me with another one of its usual winter whiteout challenges.

What I love about driving, even in terrible snowstorms, is that the road gives me a place to think. Naturally, finding an NHL team to call my own was a major topic of internal debate during this trip. In my head there were really only three candidates, the Ducks, the Leafs, and the Coyotes. The Ducks have a lot of things that I like, but this trip made me feel like the team and I don’t have enough history to keep a long distance bond like ours alive for long. The Leafs and I go way back. They are the team I grew up with, and we’ve been through a lot. I was there when the team was hot, just like I was there when they were not. And the support was mutual. The Leafs were there for me when I had no one. I sometimes wonder what I would have done without my Saturday night Leafs game at certain points in my life. However, the home games are ridiculously overpriced and tickets are hard to come by. Granted, I’d spend more money paying for a flight, accommodations, and a hockey ticket in the Pacific Division, but the Leafs don’t satisfy the adventurer in me seeing as it only takes me ten minutes to get to the rink. Then there’s Phoenix. I don’t have much to say in their favour at this point, but something someone told me a month and a half ago has played over and over again in my mind.

A woman felt that she needed to weigh in on that whole Arizona Prophecy thing. She told me she lost me at the point that I decided to ditch the Coyotes. Basically, she felt that everything seemed to say that Arizona was where I needed to be, so, no matter what, I shouldn’t have pulled myself away. Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s not. It’s hard to know what events to pay attention to and what to filter out. She makes some sense, but I don’t know if I can really go back at this point. Going to see a team play, just so you can cheer against them, is not all that enjoyable. Trust me.

By the time I pulled into the drive way at my parents’ house, I made no decision about my new NHL allegiance. Instead, I began to get some crazy ideas in my head that I might branch out altogether. I was thinking that maybe it was time to take a little vacation from the NHL, and switch leagues for a month or so – for my sanity. Luckily, the Olympic break is right around the corner, so the timing couldn’t be more perfect. Stay tuned for details.

Roll the credits…

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Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Chicago (Day 2): Ducks@Hawks – Honey, I’m home?

It was a good thing that I set my alarm for 2PM because I didn’t actually wake up by my own efforts before then! It was another freezing cold day in Chicago. You can imagine what the wind chill factor would be like in the Windy City, eh? Once again, it was far too cold to attempt a mad dash to Victoria’s Secret. Of course, there wasn’t much time for a shopping trip anyway. I was warned that I needed to get to the United Center extra early on account of the fact that it was bobblehead night.

Understatement of the century.

There is a reason they call it The Madhouse. I have NEVER, in my entire extended history of hockey misadventures, stood in such a long and slow moving line to get into an arena! Did I mention how cold it was?? Yeah. Unpleasant. I was beginning to worry that they were going to run out of bobbleheads before I was able to get my hands on one! Luckily, that was not the case, and I’m now the proud owner of a Marian Hossa bobblehead, which will likely live out the rest of its days in the trunk of my car next to the bobblehead I got at Nassau Coliseum (not even sure what player that one bears the likeness of).

People often ask me what the best NHL arena is that I’ve been to. For some reason, I automatically answer this question purely based on the quality of the facility alone. However, I know that a lot of people prefer to rank the rinks based on the atmosphere and the intensity of the crowd. The United Center in Chicago is my nineteenth active National Hockey League rink visited to date. Finally, I have officially visited ALL of the Original Six cities!! Anyway, in terms of atmosphere, the Madhouse takes the cake. The fans are so insane, it makes this Psycho feel like she finally belongs somewhere. They are hardly ever in their seats, and if they are, they are a million times louder than the fans I’ve heard anywhere else. And have you heard the national anthem??! I feel like I definitely need to make a return trip when one of the six Canadian teams are in town, just so I can hear the guy sing my country’s anthem!

What was kind of funny was that I saw more people wearing London Knights jerseys that night than I did when I saw London play in Guelph only a few days before. Naturally, I asked everyone if they were from London, but, to my dismay, they weren’t. I was surprised to discover that the guy sitting next to me, also in a Knights jersey, was actually from my motherland. He and his family were from Brantford (home of the Great One), which is pretty close to my hometown! This wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve been conveniently placed next to other Canadians at hockey arenas far away from home. I have a crazy conspiracy theory that Ticketmaster does that on purpose! Keep the Canadians close together if they managed to make it past clearance at the border. You know how they hate hockey fans (me) coming into their county. I’m on to them…oh, yes!

I was finally getting to see the Duck play again for the first time in a long time, but, unfortunately, most of my fun players were injured and out of the lineup! SAD! Like I mentioned in Day 1, my harrowing adventure the day before was making me question whether the Ducks were really the right team for me. All night I had been racking my brain trying to think of another option. I still wasn’t sure which team should be mine, but one thing became a lot clearer at this game, and that was the fact that the Ducks weren’t it! Nevertheless, I still had a lot of fun, and by that I mean I had a lot of fun with my camera. AHEM! You’re welcome, ladies!

After the Ducks were completely annihilated by the Hawks, I loitered around the arena. I thought it might be a good idea to go for a drive around Chicago and at least check the city out by car before I had to leave the next day. I ducked into the little girls’ room to freshen up before I left. A stupid strand of hair kept sticking up out of place on my forehead. I was annoyed with myself that I didn’t bother to use my straightener before I left for the game that afternoon. Then that sinking feeling of terror hit me. “Shit. Did I turn the straightener off when I decided not to use it?”

It was a race against time to get back to the hotel. I drove like a crazy person knowing that I would likely pull up to the building to find some fire trucks outside and a disapproving look on the doorman’s face. Up in my room, however, it was a false alarm. The straightening iron had been turned off after all. I decided to go back out for my drive around town. It was a Sunday, so everything was closed. Looks like it was going to be another night of hotel room service for dinner! On the plus side, while I was out on my drive, I discovered the exact location of the Victoria’s Secret. My mission was clear.

Roll the credits…

(I know what you’ve been thinking!)

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Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

In a town like Toronto…


My goal this week is to pack up all my ish, and head back to Toronto. Spending as much time as I have been at my parents’ house has some terrible disadvantages for a hockey addict like moi. For starters, they don’t even have Center Ice, and it’s a miracle if I can steal the remote for a little TSN time when Ghost Hunters reruns are on (and, by the way, that show is on ALL THE TIME). Last night, I hoarded the remote so I could watch Off The Record for the first time in forever. I seriously had to hold the thing clenched between both hands so no one would take it! It was hard to hear all that Michael Landsberg and his guests had to say amongst the complaints, “Whyyyy areeee weee waaatching THIIIIS!?’ But one thing that the panel said did manage to make me roll my eyes in disgust.

The panel used that magic phrase and cliché, “In a town like Toronto…” to defend the “fans” alleged anger towards Brian Burke for “misleading” them into thinking that the Buds were going to make the post season this year. Burke claims that the playoffs were his goal and not his guarantee, but, apparently, “In a town like Toronto,” you don’t make the mistake of uttering the P-word without causing some sort of irrational frenzy.

Really?

Now, maybe you’re of the attitude that he shouldn’t have hinted at such promises. Maybe you were one of those radicals that went out and made a couple hundred “Leafs 2010 Stanley Cup Champs” shirts, which will now collect dust in your basement, and you’re really pissed off about it. But I really have to ask, are we, in a town like Toronto, that delusional that this non-isssue would become such a huge deal? Are you going to begrudge the man his ambitions and his goals? You don’t enter a marathon not hoping to cross the finish line. Of course, playoffs were his goal. It’s the goal of every team – duh!

In a town like Toronto, the fans really are some of the most elite in the League. They have come through the high times and slumps, and lived to tell the tale; and not with some tri-coloured jersey on their back either, but, rather, with an ever expanding collection of blue and white sweaters. They still have one of the highest game day attendance percentages in the NHL – hey, it’s not our fault some rinks were built to a 22K capacity and ours wasn’t, but even still, the Leafs could play out of the SkyDome (Rogers Centre), and fans would still probably be hard pressed to find a ticket. The fans are loyal as Hell, and it’s not because they are pipe dreamers, or stupid; it’s because hockey is just so damn important to the city, and the country, that we’ll stick it out through the bad times because we just can’t live without it.

This is why I find it hard to believe that any true blue Leafs fan, in a town like Toronto, would really be disgruntled by this alleged promise. A hardcore fan would be more than aware of the situation in the Leafs camp, and would know that some things are hard to fix when you don’t have the tools to fix them. A real Leafs fan would know that the team is attempting to get off the ground on the star power of merely four players alone. They’d know that, not too long ago, the Leafs were ruled by an evil regime that traded away all of our picks and prospects so that some big name, wash up, charity cases could get their wish to retire in Toronto. How many times, during this era, did some of the most talented names in the game use the Leafs as a bargaining chip to get more money from other organizations? Not to mention that we had some of the worst scouting in the League. How often were Leafs draftees not traded away or rotting away in St. John’s or at Ricoh Coliseum?

The point is that everyone can see that the Leafs are in a tough spot. They have few upcoming draft picks to their name, and very little in terms of trading assets. Putting the onus on one player isn’t going to magically turn things around for the club, and you know that, you’ve seen this all before. Now I’m not saying a miracle can’t happen, like, I don’t know, Kaberle waiving his No Trade Clause, and some monster forwards coming in his stead, and I’m definitely not saying you should give up on your 2010 playoff dreams, however fleeting they may seem. All I’m saying is that, in a place like Toronto, let’s make sure that we keep our heads held high, and represent the REAL Hockeytown like only the best fans in the game can. Oh, and maybe make some noise at a couple games, too. Thanks, that’d be great.

P.S. I say “we” a lot in this entry…hmm… Back to my Chicago recap next!

P.P.S. I’m the blonde one in the pic!

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Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Chicago (Day 1): A familiar feeling of impending doom.

Perhaps it was the fact that I opted to go out and par-taaay with a friend of mine, who was in town all the way from Whitehorse for the holidays, instead of sleeping before I left for Chicago that caused me to be overly emotional on my drive. Or perhaps it was something more. I was in Toronto for all of eight hours the night before my departure. I’ve been spending a lot of time back home (apparently annoying my sister to no end) over the holidays. I don’t have anything going on in either city right now, so the house with the best bed and bathtub takes the W. Anyway, I went back home to Toronto to see my friend before she headed back to the Arctic again. By 4AM, I had stripped out of my dress, grabbed my suitcase and my post-bar McDonald’s, and hit the road.

Traveling westbound on the 401, every single song on the radio was choking me up. I didn’t know what was going on. I knew I wasn’t sincerely worried about dying on the trip, even though my sequel to Down the Rabbit Hole predicted that I was going to die in a bitter snowstorm in the States after a hockey player did something horrible to me. Those that know me best know that my current circumstance is not all that different from the situation described in my book five years ago. I suppose, this time around, I was more conscious of the dangers of winter travel more than usual on account of these eerie coincidences, but the sadness I was feeling was not that of fear. It was a sadness that I haven’t felt since the beginning of March last season.

On my way to Boston before the trade deadline, I had this same feeling of culmination. Something was off, and something felt over. It was just like how I felt on that horrible day in March, when everything went insanely wrong, and I accurately sensed that the Arizona Prophecy was about to blow up in my face. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to make this trip to Chicago. It felt like it was going to be a wasted trip. It felt like a mistake.

As I drove, I desperately welcomed anything to distract me from my mission, and practically begged that something would force me to turn back. I gazed longingly at the exit that I would have taken to get to my parents’ house, and imagined how nice it would be to jump into my bed, wrap the blankets around me, and never come out. But instead I pressed on, fighting back tears and radio surfing like a crazy person trying to find a song that wouldn’t upset me. Then I discovered that the heinous, Fergie, butchered Heart’s Barracuda. Is nothing scared anymore? Go away, Fergie, you filthy beast!

I finally made it to the 402. The 402 is as reliable as a video game – in the snow and ice level, that is. If you are travelling in the winter, it is a 100% GUARANTEE that you will hit severe whiteout conditions for that entire 103 km stretch of highway. And I mean ACTUAL whiteouts, not like the ones you assholes in Phoenix are thinking of when you pay $10 for a hockey ticket and get a free t-shirt! I’m sorry, that was out of line, I’m still upset from having to recall the Fergie incident. Anyway, when you get to the 402, it’s like you’ve just completed that easy level in the video game, and now must conquer the bigger challenge before getting to the “boss,” which would be the Bluewater Bridge to the US.

Oh, the whiteouts came alright. But seeing as I am a very experienced hockey roadtripper, they were no match for my skills. This time they actually seemed more severe than usual. There were massive snow piles spilling over into the traffic lanes. At one point we were at a standstill because some douche bag decided to do 20 km/h, and no one dared drive in the other lane. Luckily, Killing in the Name of came on the radio and I decided I had enough of the snail’s pace. I pulled out of the lane and blew past everyone. Did anyone follow suit? I don’t know. What was hilarious was that less than a kilometre up the highway the roads were clear.

It was on that clear patch of highway that everything suddenly started to feel like it was going to be OK. The sadness subsided. It was like I was seeing the light, or at least that I felt reassured that at some point on my journey to the windy city something would make sense. It was seven in the morning, yet the moon still hung in the blackened sky like it couldn’t have been more than a stroke past midnight. It was kind of breathtaking. However, over the bridge, day was breaking.

The soft morning light usually hurts my eyes on my sleep deprived, overnight road trips, but this time around it was a welcomed change to the once dark and menacing horizon. Despite the pleasantness of dawn, the roads remained perilous most of the way. There were times that the road conditions were so bad that you couldn’t even pull off to help someone who had taken their car into the ditch. Yet, somehow, through these blizzard-like conditions, I still managed to reach my destination in record time, and in one piece – though, Lynxie didn’t look so hot anymore (really glad I spent $8 on a car wash before I left!)

It was freezing in Chicago; so cold that I could barely stand running a block from my hotel to the restaurant for dinner. I hid away in my hotel room for the rest of the night and watched the Hawks/Blues game on TV. Oh, the things a girl can get into when she’s bored and alone in a hotel room. Loneliness is a terrible thing. While I was lying in bed, I was once again overcome by that same familiar feeling of impending doom. Just like the trip to Boston that altered my life forever; something was about to change again for better or worse.

About fifty miles outside of Boston, the lack of sleep/food/excess hormones finally set in and I hit bottom. Dido’s White Flag came on the radio, and I knew that would do it. I kept thinking to myself, “Katrina, just hold on, you’re almost there!” But it was too late. Emotional breakdown #1.

I knew it was over. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that I’ve been looking for a new team. Philly didn’t feel right anymore. After this harrowing experience, I knew that my Philly days were numbered, and that Tuesday’s game might be the last one I go to. I was upset. I didn’t know what I was doing anymore.

Roll the credits…

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Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

Top 10 Tuesday: How to tell if your hockey girlfriend is a gold-digging pig.

I never thought any professional hockey players would bother to read my site, but I’m often surprised to hear stories about how my modest little website has made its way around the game. So, this week’s Top 10 Tuesday is for the players. Hockey players, as well as any individual in a prominent position in society, have the “problem” of being wanted solely for superficial and materialistic reasons. Of course, not everyone thinks this is a problem. There are a lot of insecure players out there that think if they walk around with a Louis Vuitton porn doll on their arm that people will know how well they must be doing even if it’s not showing on the ice. Unfortunately, the only people that envy the trophy pig factor are other douche bags, but luckily, the world is not in short supply of those. Anyway, for the players’ that want something more for their lives, but feel that they need help in spotting the tell tale pig signs in their current “girlfriends,” this list is for them! Enjoy!

10. She decided it would be cool to talk like you and your hockey buddies, “Sick dangle. I knew you’d snipe tonight. You’re a WHEEL!” She also calls you by your hockey nickname instead of your real name.

9. She has a long history of trying to get “famous” or “trap a celebrity” with various schemes like, “modeling,” dating other athletes and leaking sex tapes with them, and even working on TV and/or in sports. Big surprise, as soon as you came sniffing around, she was no longer all that interested in her “career.”

8. She’s opportunistic, and makes sure she has to be by your side at all key moments like holidays, injuries, and trades – just like a real wife (or mommy) would do.

7. She doesn’t trust you because she sees you as a golden ticket that she absolutely cannot lose. That’s why she conveniently decides to book a trip to see you play on the road in the city closest to where you (and your women) live in the offseason.

6. Behind your back, she brags about how your “famous” hockey friends are her friends. Sometimes she even tries to make it sound like she was invited to their weddings personally (even though she has never met them), and not simply listed on your invitation as a “plus one.”

5. She’s more concerned with tweeting (bragging) about your relationship than she is about you. For example, you’re injured and in the hospital, so naturally she needs to tweet about how she has rushed to your side. You’d think someone who was sincerely distressed would be too overcome with the situation to have the thought or the time to tweet about it…hmm?

4. She does embarrassing things at MANDATORY charity events like hogging the camera so she doesn’t have to actually help out, while gushing about how all the less fortunate kids are just so excited and impressed with the fact that she is your girlfriend. Umm, no; they were excited because they were getting toys delivered by the charity, but thanks for coming out.

3. Ever since day one she has tried really hard to look like she is on the same level as you are financially. She drives the same make of car, and you never see her with the same designer shoes or bags twice. You won’t think she’s after your money if you think she already has it. Fake it ‘til you make it!

2. She single handedly destroys your fan base because she uses her “girlfriend status” to rub your money/lifestyle in their faces. As a result, you’ve begun to hear multiple people refer to you as a joke simply because you’re dating her. There goes your hopes of being the next fan favourite!

1. She’s American. She didn’t know who you were, and only cared once you told her you played pro hockey. If you had given your NHL ID to your childhood friend or your brother, it’d be their boys she’d be s*cking. The end.

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