January, 2010

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Quiz: What Type of Puck Bunny Are You?

As I mentioned in my Chicago posts, I was thinking about changing pace during the month of February. After a couple shocking OHL games during the Christmas break, I decided that I needed to go out and reevaluate one of my favourite subjects, puck bunnies! Since February is the month of love and all things that it entails (and the dreaded Olympic break), I figure what better time to hit the road locally, and become better acquainted with the estranged puck bunnies of the Ontario Hockey League. All month long, Psycho Lady Hockey will be dedicated to topics and stories of the puck bunny variety. I hope you’re as excited as I am because it is going to be an awesome month!

So, to kick off the festivities, I’ve decided to repost the puck bunny quiz as seen in the pages of my book Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies (2004). The quiz was a big hit when it was originally posted in the summer. I think I had something like 200 new followers on Twitter that day! That was a big deal at the time because I had only been on the Twitter train for a few weeks at that point! Anyway, I hope the new wave of Psycho Lady readers will enjoy it just as much! Get excited, it’s almost Puck Bunny Month!!

1. How many hockey games do you attend per season?

[a] Less than ten games per season.
[b] One game a week. Usually every Friday home game.
[c] All the home games, and the odd road game.

2. You and your friends notice a new player on your favourite team. You say,
“Was #28 on the team before?”
[b] “#28 was just traded here a couple days ago. He’s 6’2,” 205lbs, and a Scorpio.”
[c] “Wow, #28 is cute! I bet his dick is huge!”

3. Your hockey shrine consists of:
A mint condition game day program.
[b] A game day program complete with team signatures, tickets from every game you have ever attended, a team flag, both home and road jerseys (also complete with signatures), homemade pompoms, newspaper clippings, a few tapes of games recorded off TV, and a framed picture of you and that hottie #8.
[c] A disc that contains naked images of you and three members of your hometown team, condom wrappers labeled with the names and numbers of the players who used them, and the pair of boxers that you stole from #8 after you slept with him…or was it #14?

4. It’s your favourite hometown hero’s birthday. To honour this occasion, you:
Send him an e-greeting.
[b] Get together with your friends and bake him a birthday cake, but eat it yourselves.
[c] Give him a blowjob.

5. It’s game day, and you have front row seats. You need to look extra good. You:
Brush your hair, and keep a lip gloss on hand.
[b] Schedule a day at the beauty salon.
[c] Decide that a transparent t-shirt bearing the words, “Lick Me” is best worn sans bra.

6. The best aspect of hockey is:
The fights.
[b] The hot, sweaty boys roughing each other up.
[c] The well sculpted male specimens who play with big sticks.

7. History class is starting to drag. As usual, you:
Chat to your friend about tonight’s game.
[b] Draw pictures of your hockey boys, and doodle their initials on your binder.
[c] Write a detailed entry in your sex diary about what you and #25 did last night.

8. The team is on the road and the hockey game is not on TV. You:
Will read about it in tomorrow’s paper.
[b] Drive to the arena with your friend, for ambiance, and tune into the game on your local AM radio station.
[c] Could care less. You are at the game.

9. You like hockey players because:
They are extraordinarily talented athletes.
[b] They’re cute.
[c] They have the good and know how to use them.

10. The word you most associate with hockey is:
[b] Bunny.
[c] Naked.

11. When discussing last night’s game, you remark:
“#32 got a game misconduct after he got into a huge fight.”
[b] “#32 looked at me three times during the warm up.”
[c] “I messed around with #32 last night.”

12. How many hockey players do you know personally?
[b] Six
[c] Twenty-nine.

13. If a hockey player were to talk to you, he’d say:
“Nice to meet you.”
[b] “Thanks, you’re a cutie, too.”
[c] “Oh, that feels so good!”

14. Your pregame ritual involves:
Double-checking your purse to make sure you have the tickets.
[b] Eating your favourite player’s favourite food and listening to a CD of the team’s warm up music.
[c] The removal of all “inconvenient” body hair.

15. If your hometown did not have a hockey team, you:
Would get a new hobby.
[b] Don’t want to think about it.
[c] Would be a virgin.


Mostly A’s – Puck Bunny in Denial

When people accuse you of being a puck bunny, you usually get defensive. You have a sincere love for hockey and know a great deal about it. You may have had genuine intentions when you started going to local hockey games, but had a hard time ignoring the allure of the hockey players. You are likely to educate your friends on how you are above puck bunnies because you know how to call an offside. You try to get to know a few players on your hometown team, which is okay as long as you do not throw yourself at them. You have most likely slept with a hockey player or two. You think this behaviour does not make you a puck bunny because they are the ones who came on to you. You are hurt when a hockey player uses you. You feel like he has treated you like a puck bunny, and you know that you are not one. Truthfully, you do get carried away with hockey. Sometimes it is just more fun to focus on the players than it is on the game.

Mostly B’s – Puck Bunny and Proud of It

You love being a puck bunny, and try to incorporate your bunnyism into all aspects of your life. You know a good number of players on your hometown team, and live by the things they say to you. You have an innocent approach with the hockey players. You fantasize about being their girlfriend, and all the cuddling privileges that comes with the title. You have never slept with a hockey player, or even fooled around with one. Your obsession for hockey players exceeds that of any other type of puck bunny. You keep everything related to your hometown heroes, from tickets to a piece of gum that you saw one spit out. You stay true to one team, and act as the promotions coordinator a lot of the time. You introduce everyone you know to local hockey. You sport team logos and colours everywhere that you go and in everything that you do, like decorating a birthday cake for your favourite player. In the offseason you work diligently on the fan website that you created.

Mostly C’s – Puck Slut

You may, or may not go to many hockey games, but you are well aware that you are a puck bunny. You feel that your breed is the only true form of the puck bunny, as you believe that girls are not puck bunnies unless they sleep with hockey players. To say that you have had sex with these boys is an understatement. You do whatever a hockey player wants you to, and you are not ashamed that you have been passed around the team. Members of various other hockey teams also know you. You appreciated being able to accurately picture members of both teams naked when they are being physical with each other and fighting on the ice. However, you are not made of stone. You secretly hope to be a player’s girlfriend someday. If a hockey player uses you, it hurts. To deal with this rejection, you sleep with more hockey players; perhaps hoping that the one who wronged you will be jealous. You do love to brag about all your sexual adventures with the hockey gods. You have been around the league and done things characteristic of black market porn.

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Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Coyotes@Red Wings 24 Style – Bambi Does MotorCity.

Since January 26th was the first birthday of Psycho Lady Hockey, it seemed only fitting that I celebrate the occasion with a hockey game. (Did you know that it was Wayne Gretzky’s birthday that day, too? I feel special!) I wasn’t feeling too adventurous, so I figured a game close to home would be the best. I’ve been to Detroit several times for games, including Phoenix games. It’s a usual haunt for me. So, anyone who may have “questioned” why I would have gone there would clearly have just been looking for a pointless excuse to open communication with me – I figure.

Anyway, a few days before the game, Bambi begged and pleaded with me to let her go to the game in my stead. I was pretty leery about this given Bambi has a terrible track record at hockey arenas. And I’m not talking in the sense that she is bad luck for one team or the other, but rather, sometimes, she takes the puck bunny behaviour a little too far. The last time Bambi was at a game, she was so taken with the fact that one of the players kept smiling at her (and I have to admit, he was a total babe), that, upon him scoring in the remaining five minutes of the game, she ripped her top off and started waving it around her head like a lasso. I should also point out that she neglected to wear a bra to this event. And I should also-also point out that this was a minor league game! It has been years since I have let her go to another game with good reason.

For those of you who don’t know Bambi, she is a raging puck bunny who embraces the term and the lifestyle. But don’t be fooled by that fact, she still knows a shitload about hockey. She is a bleach blonde, fake tanned, wannabe Barbie doll stripper, and that’s why we love her. She can be a bit self-centred, bitchy, and in many ways evil, but I think that’s all part of her appeal. To get to know Bambi, make sure you click here to follow her on Twitter. Don’t forget to follow Carmen as well, so the poor girl doesn’t get a complex that nobody likes a daywalker… I mean…red head.

Take it away, Bambi.

OK, so I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say here. I was told to take pictures of myself every hour, and that’s it. Whatever. I left the T-dot extra early. I had to sneak away while Carm was in the shower, so she wouldn’t cramp my style. Hello, sometimes hot guys try to pick you up on the highway, and I really don’t need a head full of ginger cock blocking me, thanks. I didn’t see too many prospects, though, there were these two guys working at the Esso when I stopped for gas that just WOULD NOT STOP STARING. Take a picture, right?

The border guard was hot, but a total douche bag. He thought I looked dangerous or some shit. He asked me if I had ever been arrested. Umm for what, buddy? All the illegal porn you’re currently fantasizing about me doing in your head right at this moment? Please, let me through already, so you can take a Jergens break. It was kind of funny that while I was crossing the border to come back to Canada, they asked me similar questions. Did I have pepper spray on me? I can see how that would be a legitimate concern. They obviously thought I needed to know how to defend myself against an onslaught of negative male attention. Little did they know that negative male attention is my favourite!

The game was wicked awesome! Psycho and Carm were texting me saying how jealous they were that I was at the Joe and they weren’t. I’d like to point out that I’m pretty sure the Coyotes won because of me. The entire friggin’ team was staring down my shirt all night! And let me tell you, what I’ve got going on down there inspires great things. You’re welcome, Phoenix.

That’s all I really have to say, I’m supposed to pick a song now for the “credits” or something lame like that…

10 AM Stole the keys from Carm and heading off to D-Rock. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, they are real.

11 AM Stopped at the ‘Rents to drop off some ish. No one was home, so I left them a friendly note on the fridge.

12 PM Attempting to take a picture of myself in the mirror. FAIL.

1 PM I don’t know why people always think I’m up to no good…

2 PM Great Success!

3 PM Psycho told me to be cautious if I felt like I was receiving some type of sign. Between 3 and 4 PM I started randomly taking pictures of the radio. I came out with three pictures: Trouble, Phoenix, Warning. How interesting.

4 PM Stopped for some Lupper just before the bridge. It’s like no matter where I go, Carmen is always right there with me!

5 PM Sitting in front of the Joe. I got bored, so I decided to send some assholish text messages to Grand Rapids with hilarious results.

6 PM Me and my Jungle Juice!

7 PMOne of the few moments this kid wasn’t all over my stuff. It was like he knew me or something. Probably in his dreams LOL!

8 PM My homeboy,Todd Bertuzzi!

9 PM Random view from my seat! HOTT!

10 PMHome again. More of me, me, me, me!

11 PM Stupid biatch working the McDonald’s behind PUCK MASTERS screwed up my order. I was too hungry and cold to go in and complain, though. Anyway, sorry people, but I lost interest in the whole “24” project at this point. Going on road trips by yourself is HARD. I don’t know how Psycho Lady does it…seriously!

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