November, 2009

Saturday, November 28th, 2009

I found more hockey shit than I bargained for on my old PC.

In 2001, I bought a fancy brand new computer. It had one of those p-i-m-p liquid gel flat screens – totally ballin’ for the times. The hope was that this little baby would last me through the rest of high school and my university career. But, as you all know, I was irresponsible in university. I chose to travel all over North America (and Europe) stalking hockey rinks, instead of going to class. Eventually, my precious PC couldn’t take it anymore, and started to break down BIG TIME. At first, I reduced my use of it. I switched over to a lap top, and only logged into the old broad if I needed to print something. Finally, one fateful day, she wouldn’t even turn on anymore. Apparently, the Apocalypse was fast approaching.

Tonight, after all this time, I was able to extract most of the files and documents from the wasteland that was my old PC. I flew into a mild rage because most of my pictures didn’t make it. I was actually hoping to see some old snap shots from back in the old days of my early hockey road trips. Oh well! I guess we’ll never know what really happened! Anyway, I was browsing through some of the files, and there were a few gems hidden away in my “My Received Files” folder. Apart from some excellent jams that I hadn’t heard in years, I also came across a couple pictures of some current NHL players like you’ve never seen them before. Don’t get excited! These aren’t scandalous pictures by any means, they are just pictures you wouldn’t find doing a routine Google Images search.

Most people’s high school yearbook pictures come back to haunt them, but I think you’d have to agree that Nashville Predators D-man, Kevin Klein, looked a lot better in twelfth grade…when he had hair. Yes, kids, this photo was straight from the pages of the 2001-2002 St. Michael’s College School yearbook. That’s an ALL BOYS school in case you were looking to get hot ‘n’ bothered tonight, and yes, they had to wear THAT uniform. P.S. I used to bust that tie out for the “jocks and school girls” parties on campus. (Un)fortunately, photos from said parties were not saved.

During the 2004-2005 NHL Lock Out, the players had a lot of time on their hands. Many opted to make use of this time by experimenting with blond hair dye. Nashville Predators forward, Jordin Tootoo, my buddy, Corey, and Phoenix Coyotes winger, Scottie Upshall. I actually remember these pictures! Unfortunately, this is the only one that made it.

My friend and I at the 2004 OHL Championship game at the Hershey Centre in Mississauga. We actually witnessed the J. Ross Robertson Cup being hoisted that night. I have yet to see another holy grail of hockey being awarded live again. Also, apparently blond highlights were all the rage, eh? I’m rocking them, too.

Of course, the hockey content I retrieved wasn’t JUST pictures. My hockey related writings all made it over as well. Not only is the original manuscript of Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies safe and sound, but so are the several chapters of the sequel! I had attempted to do a spinoff of Down the Rabbit Hole, and tell a fictitious story about the life of a puck bunny. I wrote several chapters, but stopped because the content was actually beginning to terrify me. Don’t believe that it scared the crap out of me? Here’s a sample from Chapter Eight (2004),

My quest for victims was successful beyond my wildest dreams. I began to refer to Ryan as my first kill. He paved the way for other members of the Heathburg Coyotes. I devoured their team like a lethal swarm of locusts. I branded many of them as I did Ryan – like pigs being marked for slaughter.

Wow. By the way, how fucking insane/creepy is it that I named my fictitious team the Coyotes back in 2004? I actually just really freaked myself out. SERIOUSLY! I just about died when I read that. Apparently, I was also quite fond of the term, “pig” even back then! HAHA. Anyway, I also came across a poem that made it into an anthology at the University of Toronto. We had to submit Canadian content, so naturally I chose hockey. Again, this poem is from around the same time period, a time when I was reluctant to sugar coat the hockey world the way that I do on Psycho Lady Hockey, and, therefore, it is equally fucked up. I turned bright red when I read it again for the first time in five years tonight, but whatever. Feel free to try to analyze it, though, keep in mind that I was a teenager when I wrote it, so it might not be as complex as you make it out to be. Enjoy!

Blueliner (2004)

On the blueline
dies the man,
borne again patriot
whose jagged blades and crooked spears
defend glory, land and leaf.
This knight’s armor
hides his truth,
twilight’s loveless passion,
illegitimate peewees, and
an amber addiction.

On the blueline
glides the beast,
an angel fallen for
two minute sins: pride, lust, and greed;
a national idol.
This wolf has eyes –
on a ruthless hunt with
cannibalistic hungers for
blood and sweat, flesh and skin.

On the blueline
stands a boy
who grew too fast,
and carried the weight of
his father’s unfound fantasies
upon padded shoulders.
On the blueline
lives his dream
of victory,
and the quest for precious medal
to adorn his frozen

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