November, 2009

Saturday, November 28th, 2009

I found more hockey shit than I bargained for on my old PC.

In 2001, I bought a fancy brand new computer. It had one of those p-i-m-p liquid gel flat screens – totally ballin’ for the times. The hope was that this little baby would last me through the rest of high school and my university career. But, as you all know, I was irresponsible in university. I chose to travel all over North America (and Europe) stalking hockey rinks, instead of going to class. Eventually, my precious PC couldn’t take it anymore, and started to break down BIG TIME. At first, I reduced my use of it. I switched over to a lap top, and only logged into the old broad if I needed to print something. Finally, one fateful day, she wouldn’t even turn on anymore. Apparently, the Apocalypse was fast approaching.

Tonight, after all this time, I was able to extract most of the files and documents from the wasteland that was my old PC. I flew into a mild rage because most of my pictures didn’t make it. I was actually hoping to see some old snap shots from back in the old days of my early hockey road trips. Oh well! I guess we’ll never know what really happened! Anyway, I was browsing through some of the files, and there were a few gems hidden away in my “My Received Files” folder. Apart from some excellent jams that I hadn’t heard in years, I also came across a couple pictures of some current NHL players like you’ve never seen them before. Don’t get excited! These aren’t scandalous pictures by any means, they are just pictures you wouldn’t find doing a routine Google Images search.

Most people’s high school yearbook pictures come back to haunt them, but I think you’d have to agree that Nashville Predators D-man, Kevin Klein, looked a lot better in twelfth grade…when he had hair. Yes, kids, this photo was straight from the pages of the 2001-2002 St. Michael’s College School yearbook. That’s an ALL BOYS school in case you were looking to get hot ‘n’ bothered tonight, and yes, they had to wear THAT uniform. P.S. I used to bust that tie out for the “jocks and school girls” parties on campus. (Un)fortunately, photos from said parties were not saved.

During the 2004-2005 NHL Lock Out, the players had a lot of time on their hands. Many opted to make use of this time by experimenting with blond hair dye. Nashville Predators forward, Jordin Tootoo, my buddy, Corey, and Phoenix Coyotes winger, Scottie Upshall. I actually remember these pictures! Unfortunately, this is the only one that made it.

My friend and I at the 2004 OHL Championship game at the Hershey Centre in Mississauga. We actually witnessed the J. Ross Robertson Cup being hoisted that night. I have yet to see another holy grail of hockey being awarded live again. Also, apparently blond highlights were all the rage, eh? I’m rocking them, too.

Of course, the hockey content I retrieved wasn’t JUST pictures. My hockey related writings all made it over as well. Not only is the original manuscript of Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies safe and sound, but so are the several chapters of the sequel! I had attempted to do a spinoff of Down the Rabbit Hole, and tell a fictitious story about the life of a puck bunny. I wrote several chapters, but stopped because the content was actually beginning to terrify me. Don’t believe that it scared the crap out of me? Here’s a sample from Chapter Eight (2004),

My quest for victims was successful beyond my wildest dreams. I began to refer to Ryan as my first kill. He paved the way for other members of the Heathburg Coyotes. I devoured their team like a lethal swarm of locusts. I branded many of them as I did Ryan – like pigs being marked for slaughter.

Wow. By the way, how fucking insane/creepy is it that I named my fictitious team the Coyotes back in 2004? I actually just really freaked myself out. SERIOUSLY! I just about died when I read that. Apparently, I was also quite fond of the term, “pig” even back then! HAHA. Anyway, I also came across a poem that made it into an anthology at the University of Toronto. We had to submit Canadian content, so naturally I chose hockey. Again, this poem is from around the same time period, a time when I was reluctant to sugar coat the hockey world the way that I do on Psycho Lady Hockey, and, therefore, it is equally fucked up. I turned bright red when I read it again for the first time in five years tonight, but whatever. Feel free to try to analyze it, though, keep in mind that I was a teenager when I wrote it, so it might not be as complex as you make it out to be. Enjoy!

Blueliner (2004)

On the blueline
dies the man,
borne again patriot
whose jagged blades and crooked spears
defend glory, land and leaf.
This knight’s armor
hides his truth,
twilight’s loveless passion,
illegitimate peewees, and
an amber addiction.

On the blueline
glides the beast,
an angel fallen for
two minute sins: pride, lust, and greed;
a national idol.
This wolf has eyes –
on a ruthless hunt with
cannibalistic hungers for
blood and sweat, flesh and skin.

On the blueline
stands a boy
who grew too fast,
and carried the weight of
his father’s unfound fantasies
upon padded shoulders.
On the blueline
lives his dream
of victory,
and the quest for precious medal
to adorn his frozen

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Thursday, November 26th, 2009

The Coyotes Sand Storm Sale: Another nail in the Glendale coffin.

Just a quick one today to talk about the Coyotes latest ticket sales stunt. I mentioned in the offseason that, as someone with previous experience in ticket sales and marketing strategies for a hockey team, I would be beside myself if I were in charge of fixing the Coyotes attendance situation. In previous seasons, the Coyotes organization has tried almost everything. In 2003, they built a beautiful new facility hoping that the Jobing.com Arena wow-factor would be the major draw that it should have been. Instead, local “fans” felt inconvenienced by the 15 minute commute along the 101 Loop. Does this relocation justify abandoning your team? The Senators don’t play in Ottawa, instead they face off in the pain-in-the-ass-to-get-to no frills Scotiabank Place in Kanata, Ontario. Perhaps, you’ve never been to Kanata, and therefore, have never seen the bitch mother traffic on the 417. Let’s just say leaving your downtown hotel at 5PM will often make you late for a 7PM puck drop. Yet, the Sens fans are packing the barn night after night.

Sorry, that turned into a little rant unintentionally. I just can’t believe that a facility as nice as Jobing.com Arena is being under appreciated. Mind you, I wouldn’t want to go there now, what with the whorey Swine Flu making a nightly appearance. Anyway, it should be said, before I keep going, that no one thinks Coyotes fans aren’t real fans. The people being targeted are the non-fans; people who can’t be bothered to check out the team in the first place. We all know you exist; unfortunately there aren’t enough of you. (But that’s another very long headache of an argument.) As you will learn, this sale isn’t going to help you in that department.

Anyway, back to previously failed sales attempts. In the 2007-2008 season, the Coyotes decided to go overboard with the giveaways approach – the old, “Let’s try to get people in the doors by giving them shiny collectibles.” That season, the Coyotes hit their peak deficit and found themselves $117M in the red for that year alone. Last season, the Coyotes appeared to try the opposite approach. I was at their fan appreciation night, and let me tell you, they chose to “appreciate” their fans by giving them nothing at all – not a puck, not a towel, nada. They even allegedly had a free booze night! What is left for them to do? How about give away all their tickets?

This week, the Coyotes announced their Sand Storm Sale. Essentially on Black Friday until “Cyber Monday” (whatever that is), hockey starved fans can purchase lower bowl tickets for all remaining home games for only $25! Sounds good, right? Fans will start flocking to Jobing.com Arena, and all will be right with the world, yes? Wrong. No, you’re not crazy; this is the same sales trick the ‘Yotes tried for their home opener this season, except they did that one the right way. They positioned their “Welcome Back White Out Sale” as a way to welcome the fans back, after a very long and trying offseason, by giving them a break on ticket price for the home opener. Of course, it’s not hard to see that they were trying to draw in new blood, and wine ‘n’ dine prospective new season ticket holders. However, FAIL, after the home opener, attendance dropped drastically to average major junior hockey club numbers.

You see, cheapening the product, which is what giving away tickets, or a drastic drop in ticket price will do to both the value of the product and the value of the team and the players, is what, those in the business would call, “a last resort.” Sure, there may be asses in the seats for the remaining home games this season, but at what cost? Here are a few:

• Most current season ticket holders will become enraged by the major discount “non-fans” are receiving. And season seat holders are the most valuable fans to any sports team, and they know that they deserve to appreciated as such.

• The sales team has valued the Coyotes on par with the San Antonio Rampage, and most other AHL teams (some teams charge a lot more than this), by reducing prices this drastically.

• Prospective new customers/fans will regard the value of NHL/Coyotes hockey as $25, and will not be so quick to start paying full pop once the sale is over. Basically, they are targeting the “cheap entertainment” crowd, and NHL hockey is a luxury for everyone. We already saw proof of this after the White Out.

Anyway, although I don’t agree with this sales approach, that’s not to say that I wouldn’t take advantage of it. My lower bowl ticket for the Coyotes game last season was $180, but it also included free food, free booze, and Vince Vaughn. So, I could get seven games in for the price of one with this promotion. Of course, I’m avoiding Arizona like the disgusting diseased pig that resides there, but that’s not to say that you shouldn’t jump all over this tomorrow. Unfortunately, the only people who will benefit from this are the players. I’m sure it will be a lot easier to play in front of a full house.

Should the Coyotes lower their ticket prices? Absolutely. Five hours along the I-10 in Anaheim, I could go and sit, and have sat, in the same seats for exactly half the price, and that’s the same price range for most hockey teams around the league. I’m not really sure what they are doing down there in the Coyotes sales department, but to be fair, they did try to give away free tickets on certain nights that the Coyotes won at home. Unfortunately, they forgot the major part of the equation – the Coyotes had to actually win. So, if you want to plan a golf trip to Pigland, I mean Scottsdale, then check out http://Coyotes.NHL.com for details.

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