August « 2009 « Psycho Lady Hockey

August, 2009

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Puck bunny music at the office.

We all have our hockey songs. Songs that remind us of the warm up, or play offs, a specific team, or life on the road. Naturally, puckies would have a list all their own. This week’s Top 10 Tuesday will look at my top puck bunny jams for getting down to some serious hockey player stalking business. Once again, feel free to comment with your own nominations! P.S. In case you didn’t know, clicking on the purple links will allow you to watch the video for each song. Same goes for reading the Radio sections of my 2008-2009 Yearbook.

10. Akon – Smack That

In an ideal situation the lyrics to Akon’s Smack That would describe a hockey player’s positive reception to being stalked by a puck bunny. Essentially, this song promotes that creeping will result in endless amounts of ass smacking. Gee, I suppose puck bunnies would be completely uninterested in that (sarcasm). This song was popular around the time that I ended up on a road trip with one of the biggest (and most unsuccessful) puck bunnies I have ever met. The song reminds me of driving around various parts of Pennsylvania, and coincidentally made it onto the Philly 06-07 soundtrack. A true hockey road trip song. Key Lyrics: I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow. Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo. Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo, and possibly bend you over. Look back and watch me smack that, all on the floor. Smack that, give me some more. Smack that, ’til you get sore. Smack that, oh ooh.

9. Kelis – Milkshake

Both puck bunnies and hockey WAGs alike think that they have some magic formula (or milkshake) that results in all the boys being brought to their yards. I was at the Hershey Centre the night the Guelph Storm won the 2004 OHL Championship by defeating the Mississauga Ice Dogs (yes, I am aware that the Ice Dogs call Niagara Falls home now, and that the Majors moved into the Hershey Centre). Anyway, Mississauga was one of the few OHL teams to employ the services of jailbait cheerleaders. Part way through the game, it was announced that the ice girls were going to deviate from their normal routine of jazzercise and spirit fingers to bring us a special number that they choreographed themselves. Suddenly, the intro to Milkshake boomed from every speaker in the building, and the rink was suddenly transformed into amateur night at the Jiggly Room. I’m sure all the six year olds in the audience were scarred for life. Key Lyrics: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, “It’s better than yours.” Damn right, it’s better than yours. I can teach you, but I have to charge.

8. Hinder – Lips of an Angel

When this song first came out it seemed like it was every puck bunny’s MySpace song from Anaheim to Montreal. The adulterous message in the lyrics seemed to get lost behind its “lovely” sentiments. Now this song seems to be most popular with cougar puck bunnies and scary billets who believe that it’s the perfect accompaniment to mood lighting and a seductive slow grind with a pool cue in their worn out, off-the-shoulder Def Leppard t-shirt. Any hockey players, who find themselves home alone with their billet moms, should strongly consider running out of the house if they hear this modern ballad sounding from the master bedroom. Either that, or they should get excited and consider doing their I’m-going-to-do-it jig. Key Lyrics: And I never wanna say goodbye, but, girl, you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel.

7. Pussy Cat Dolls – Don’t Cha

Single hockey players are hard to come by, and so puck bunnies are almost always in competition with the evil, fake, and fake boobed hockey wives/girlfriends. Essentially, puck bunnies know that not only are they way hotter than the WAGs, but are probably way better in bed. I find this hard to believe as some hockey girlfriends are known to have sex tapes (with OTHER athletes – ouch, feel bad for that hockey player) floating around the Internet. A puck bunny can dream, can’t she? Key Lyrics: I know you want it (I know you want it). It’s easy to see (it’s easy to see). And in the back of your mind you know you should be home with me. Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don’t cha, don’t cha? Alternate Song: Dragonette – Competition

6. Nickelback – Something in your Mouth

The first time I heard this song I was driving through a deadly storm headed to Boston for what would turn out to be my last game as a Flyers fan, and the beginning of an eleven day road trip. It reminded me of the minor league puck bunnies that used to occupy entire rows at American Hockey League rinks with uniform red lollipops in fist. I was at an OHL game five years ago, and there was a puck bunny sitting in front of us who was determined to try to seduce the home team’s bench by seductively sucking on a Jolly Rancher. She made a big production of insisting that she had to have the RED Jolly Rancher, but to her embarrassment the candy ended up falling out of her mouth and hitting the glass behind the bench – major whoops! I’m not gonna lie, this song makes my ass shake to the max. And since my hips are double jointed, that’s quite the force to be reckoned with. The last time I heard this song at a game was at the Prudential Center when the Coyotes were in town. I couldn’t restrain myself. You’re welcome, New Jersey. Key Lyrics: You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out. ‘Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.

5. The Police – Every Breath You Take

Puck bunnies are stalkers. That’s all you need to know. Sure, they know that they are stalkers, but they don’t like to hear it out loud. If you want to ensure that your testicles stay attached to your body, then don’t EVER accuse a puck bunny of “chasing” a hockey player. Whenever this ultimate stalking song comes on the radio, the puck bunny will either shy away from it, or completely identify with the lyrics and wonder how The Police were able to understand the inner workings of her soul. Some call it stalking, I call it love. Key Lyrics: Every breath you take. Every move you make. Every bond you break. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. Every single day. Every word you say. Every game you play. Every night you stay. I’ll be watching you.

4. Kanye West – Gold Digger

FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT SONG!!!! Puck bunnies and hockey girlfriends both embrace this song and throw it back in the others’ faces because both parties are certain that the other group has unsavoury gold-digging motives for getting at the hockey gods. “I’m not a gold digger, I LOVE him for who he is (when he’s buying me things and taking me to Paris).” It’s my sneaking suspicion that both groups enjoy this song as one of their guilty pleasures because it is satisfying for them to think that they are somehow flying under the radar. I’ll admit this is another surefire ass shaking song on my end. Key Lyrics: 18 years, 18 years. She got one of yo’ kids, got you for 18 years. I know somebody payin’ child support for one of his kids. His baby momma’s car crib is bigger than his. You will see him on TV, any given Sunday. Win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai.

3. Michael Jackson – Dirty Diana

Speaking of gold diggers, Dirty Diana is the ultimate groupie song, and so you definitely cannot have a puck bunny playlist without it. Thought I was going to go with Billie Jean, did ya? Just listen to the lyrics. How is this not about every puck bunny you have ever met? Coincidentally, this is my favourite Michael Jackson song of all time. It’s also the best Michael Jackson song of all time! What, wanna fist fight me on it? SLASH, baby! That’s all I have to say. Key Lyrics: She waits at backstage doors for those who have prestige, who promise fortune and fame – a life that’s so carefree. She’s saying that’s ok, hey baby, do what you want. I’ll be your night lovin’ thing. I’ll be the freak you can taunt. And I don’t care what you say. I want to go too far. I’ll be your everything, if you make me a star.

2. Dragonette – I Get Around

My ultimate road trip theme song with a double entendre! Dragonette’s Galore album has never been absent from one of my NHL road trips since the 07-08 hockey season. One of my most exciting moments was when I heard the song being played at the Bell Centre when the Flyers were in Montreal. You can imagine how I physically reacted. Naturally, I *only* identify with this song on the basis that I am the Carmen Sandiego of the National Hockey League and literally get around. Of course, you can see how this song might work for some of the more successful (and diseased) puck bunnies out there. Key Lyrics: 9 AM in your bedroom. The radio alarm clock is set for soon. I know you friends and you know mine too. You don’t tell on me, I won’t tell on you. I get around.

1. Blondie – One Way or Another

The most essential puck bunny anthem. One Way or Another is both creepy in its lyrics and in the way they are preformed. It’s the perfect chase music for following the team or a player around after a game or practice. Come on, the song even talks about stalking the bus – you can’t get much more puck bunny than that. Last season, the band playing at the Flyers Wives’ Carnival performed this song. It made me laugh, then shake my ass. Key Lyrics: One way or another, I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha. One way or another, I’m gonna win ya. I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha. One way or another, I’m gonna see ya. I’m gonna meetcha, meetcha, meetcha, meetcha. One day, maybe next week .I’m gonna meetcha. I’ll meetcha. And if the lights are all out, I’ll follow your bus downtown, see who’s hanging out.

Bonus Track: Lady Gaga – Paparazzi

I’m your biggest fan. I’ll follow you until you love me. Papa-paparazzi. Baby, there’s no other superstar. You know that I’ll be your papa-paparazzi.

Posted in Hockey Players, office music, puck bunnies, Top 10 Tuesday | 6 Comments »

Sunday, August 16th, 2009

Off season is dating season!

When the hockey season ends, many players head home for a summer of relaxation, shinny, and catching up with their hometown girls WINK. After I posted my Ragetastic entry yesterday, I was inspired to share a G-rated Ragetastic Voyage of my own. Well it’s not very Ragetastic, or a voyage for that matter. It’s more like what I can only imagine is in a hockey player’s top ten for worst possible things that can happen on a date. I figure it’s OK if I talk about it since training camp is only a few weeks away, so if the guy reads this blog, then he’ll be out of town soon enough and I’ll be safe until next summer. Here’s my story.

It was the off season, and I was headed a couple hours outside of Toronto to visit my friend for the weekend. We had planned to go out to one of the two bars in town that night. She took me to this intense country bar, and I introduced her to the Awesome (a drink my friend made up: Amaretto, pineapple, and cranberry – tastes like candy!). After I’ve had a couple Awesomes, I noticed this guy just STARING at me. He looked familiar, so I was trying to figure out how I knew him, and it looked like he was trying to do the same. Finally I realized he was one of the Leafs. He must have recognized me from my brief stint with MLSE because you KNOW I definitely don’t go to enough Leafs games for him to recognize me that way!

Anyway, once I realized he was a Leaf, my peripheral suddenly expanded and I noticed that there were about fifty hockey players standing right in front of me. As it turned out, the local OHL hockey team was having their alumni reunion that weekend, which was funny because that summer I think I crossed paths with about three different teams’ reunions – including the night before. A few of the guys talked to me that night, which led to a lot of irritating messages during the season whenever their team beat the Flyers. However, I was lucky that the Flyers did finally win one of the match ups.

One guy was from Toronto, and he wanted to “go out sometime.” So, two weeks later we went out for drinks, etc. (Don’t get excited that’s not a scandalous “etc”). The drinks went well until we had to leave and I ran into one of my sorority sisters – eek. I don’t like to introduce dates to people I know until I’m sure if I like them or not – definitely not a first date thing. (I’m eccentric, whatever. Are you just figuring this out now?) After drinks, we went to another place to get dessert where I was forced to set my phone on silent so he wouldn’t notice my friend texting, “Who’s the hot guy?!?!?!” every five seconds.

We were being seated in a backyard patio, so we didn’t see who our waitress was until it was too late – too late for him that is haha! Our waitress comes over and, to my surprise, they know each other. He didn’t look impressed, but he was being civil. So, we order our dessert and beverages and she takes off. Naturally, I had to ask him what that was all about. He says, “She was one of the puck bunnies back in [OHL team city]. *lowers voice* You know, one of the baaaad ones.” I started laughing and told him we could go somewhere else if he was uncomfortable. He didn’t want to go and began regaling me with tales of the girl’s (and her friend’s – he claimed that the bad puck bunnies always travel in twos) extra-curricular activities…if you catch my drift. He only interrupted himself every so often to lie to me and tell me that TSN just announced that they traded my Flyers crush to the Kings to piss me off. Apparently, it’s unpatriotic of me not to follow a Canadian team – you can probably guess where he plays (or played at the time).

The waitress was definitely rattled by the fact that he was on a date as well. She was reading a lot into the situation, and you know she was hiding in the kitchen texting her partner in crime and telling her how ugly and gross I looked lol. We had each ordered our own dessert, but she only brought out one. She obviously assumed we’d want to be coupley and share – boo, I wanted to eat all the cake! Grumpy. Way to make my evening even more awkward than it already was.

If the puck bunny situation wasn’t bad enough for the guy, he was crashing and burning on top of it. This guy was pulling out all the lines. The “you’re so much different than other girls,” and some others that are so embarrassing, I can’t even type them or remember them with a straight face. One of the best parts was when he assumed that I must read a lot, and tried to convince me that he is the same way. He told me there was this book he was planning to read someday haha, which, I’m not going to lie, it did mildly impress me at the time. It sounded like a ridiculously long textbook-esque book that I don’t think I’d ever touch in a million years, and definitely wouldn’t read for pleasure while I was in the height of my university career.

The end of the night was the most awkward part, though. While walking back to the cars, buddy has his arm around me and wouldn’t you know that I would run into the guy that I was currently (mildly) into – noooooooooo! To make it more uncomfortable, he was too scared to even try to kiss me. But he was trying to desperately work up the nerve. We were seriously standing there for twenty minutes (awkward) while he was concentrating intensely on how to make his attack. I was naturally standing there with my most taunting Clint Eastwood make-my-day face. Twenty minutes later he finally gave up and settled for the hug haha! He is still scared of me to this day, but continues to entertain me with his “romantic” lines.

So, that’s my story. What? I told you this was a G-rated adventure, and I didn’t mean that in the, “there’s actually an X-rated version that I’m keeping to myself” way. After all, I’m not one of the “bad ones.” Until next time…keep your stick on the ice.

Posted in Hockey Players, mating game, off season, puck bunnies | 4 Comments »

Saturday, August 15th, 2009

Web Assault: Ragetastic Voyages and the fragile hockey ego.

Recently, while browsing through Twitterland, I discovered a disturbing new blog, Ragetastic Voyages. Ragetastic aims to recapture the former “glory” of Junior Hockey Bible with less of the frills. For those of you who are either too young, too old, or too American to remember Junior Hockey Bible, here’s a brief refresher. JHB was a website dedicated to cataloging the “true” hockey and junior hockey player experience, or at least the version they’d like the public to believe. Hockey players love to assert the rock star imagine, and rely mainly on wild and crazy encounters with groupies as a measure for their success as a player.

Like JHB, Ragetastic Voyages posts anonymous accounts of sexcapades from varying skill levels of junior hockey leagues across North America. However, don’t be fooled into chalking everything you read on this site up to the true hockey player experience. As I said, a high frequency of taboo sexual practice is often what the hockey player requires in order to feel like a real player. The hockey players most likely to participate in these doings, or, in the very least, more likely to brag about them, are the players that don’t have a promising future playing the game, and cling to the lifestyle like a security blanket to feel like they are kind of a big deal (and that people know them). These are the guys that know they aren’t going anywhere, and if they are, then they grow up to be that pathetic excuse for a pro who nobody knows outside of the home rink and who gets traded more often than a red Power Ranger pog back in 1994.

Most likely the average Ragetastic “beauty” is a poor quality Tier II hockey player with a future playing for a D3 school, or worse – a Canadian university! His puck bunny adventures are likely exaggerated, although, for the most part, true, as he feels that he needs to sexually exploit women to the limits to prove to himself that he’s important enough to get away with it. Of course, this brings us to the girls willing to get videotaped while being taken up the ass by various members of a no-name brand hockey team. Don’t let your imagination get carried away, hockey players do not bang the “hottest broads” as they’d like you to believe. The girls getting involved with Tier II hockey players are not puck bunnies, and if they are, then they are the really, really, really stupid ones that have no idea how to scout talent. Most likely, these are just regular girls with severe daddy issues, and can’t wait to be old enough to legally sign for their new implants in their adult attempts to trap a man (or hockey player re: red Power Ranger pog).

Of course, with these stories comes a certain level of myth. Ragetastic asks for new submissions to try and top the last entry, so I’m sure that these little boys insert a few additives before clicking the send button to email the revised details of their latest voyage. I’ve obviously heard hundreds of stories both in my Down the Rabbit Hole research and in my survival techniques out on the meat market. (Helpful Hint: if a hockey player is pursuing you savagely at a bar, ask him to tell you a puck bunny story. He will refuse at first, as he is trying to “woo” you, but insist upon him doing as you say. Once he finally tells you, retain that information and throw it back in his face at the most inconvenient of moments – like when he’s trying to jump on top of you! HILARIOUS!) The stories are usually outrageous. There was one that a guy told me about a girl wearing a Halloween mask while going down on five or six guys on his team in a row. One of the guys on the team was about to blow and “conveniently” decides to take off the girl’s mask at that exact moment, only to discover that he was just being serviced by his sister. Hmm, sounds a bit like an urban legend if you ask me. What do you think?

Unfortunately, the writer of Ragetastic Voyages is headed down the same path as Junior Hockey Bible, and may likely incur the same fate. Just over five years ago, Junior Hockey Bible was court ordered to shut down. JHB was in the habit of making a mockery out of women who were writing in and voicing their disgust toward JHB’s catalogue of various ways to demean and deflower women. JHB would publish the hate mail, and then translate what the girl actually intended to say. This usually involved wishing she were hot enough to actually screw around with these guys or something far more insulting. Finally, they pissed off the wrong girl. A few months later Junior Hockey Bible was back online under the guise of Gongshow Hockey. The site has cleaned up its act pretty much entirely, and the Gongshow brand is becoming more and more popular. However, whenever I see major sporting goods stores carrying the line it makes my skin crawl to remember its sordid and misogynistic origins. Anyway, like the ghosts of JHB, Ragetastic Voyages has also decided to publish their hate mail, so I guess it’s only a matter of time before it gets out of hand.

If you like train wrecks, then I’m sure you’ll love Ragetastic Voyages. I, on the other hand, prefer not to read that stuff, as I prefer not to read WAGs rumour sites of any kind. To me those sites are like nightmares. So, I refer you now to Ragetastic Voyages on the condition that you take what you read with a grain of salt, and see it for what it really is – young men trying desperately to prove to you that they can shoot a puck.

Ragetastic Voyages (Through the Junior A. Hockey Scene)

Posted in Hockey Players, Junior Hockey Bible, puck bunnies, Ragetastic Voyages | No Comments »

Monday, August 10th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Dick signs to bring to the rink this hockey season!

If you’re like me, then you’re a s*** disturber at heart! This means that you probably fantasize about all the douchey signs you’d love to bring to the rink and stick it to the man and/or men. Today’s first ever Top 10 Tuesday will take a look at my picks for greatest dick signs to make for the upcoming 2009-10 NHL hockey season! Please don’t take offence if I went after your team. I love all teams equally, I’m just an asshole! So, enjoy all the dicky goodness, and PLEASE comment with your dick sign additions and creations!

10. Sitting behind Rangers bench: “Is it raining in here?” Make the dick move complete with a geeky rain hat.

9. Coyotes game: “Wayne, your wine is like your coaching – lackluster, yet crowd-pleasing.” That’s right, I went there.(Seriously, it’s pretty enjoyable…the wine, I mean).

8. Bolts @ Isles: “Oh, s***! The game already started!” Get it…’cause they suck? P.S. Notice the concentration in the pic!

7. Flames game: “Phaneuf, I dated Sean Avery, want my phone number?” Add a little something extra by wearing a t-shirt that says, “sloppy seconds.” (For the guys, “Hey Dion, @#$% you!”)

6. Pens game: “Crosby, I’m pregnant! It’s time to get your own place.” You can substitute the last sentence with, “Tell Mario I’m moving in.” (For the guys: “Crosby, in case you didn’t know, this is not a swimming pool.”)

5. Rangers @ Sens: Picture of Carrie Underwood, “Tony Romo’s sloppy seconds.” Two birds with one stone.

4. Preds @ Yotes: “In Balsillie we trust!” Make sure you bring people to back you up because the fans will be madder at you than Patrick Kane at a taxi driver.

3. Game with TSN coverage: “Pierre McGuire is from New Jersey and says that he once did something that is completely irrelevant to this game.” (I kid because I love.)

2. Blackhawks game: Draw two dimes and write, “Hawks will @#$% you up for only twenty cents!”

1. Leafs game: “At this point I just come for the beer.” It doesn’t matter that the beer is $13.

Top 10 Tuesday will be a regular weekly feature on Psycho Lady starting right now. Enjoy!

Posted in blackhawks, Coyotes, Flames, islanders, jim balsillie, Lightning, Penguins, Pierre Mcguire, Predators, Rangers, SENATORS, Top 10 Tuesday, Toronto Maple Leafs, wayne gretzky | 6 Comments »

Monday, August 10th, 2009

When your friends don’t like hockey…

I’m sure that for the average man-fan, having non-hockey friends is both rare and unproblematic apart from the occasional disagreement over which sports bar to attend. However, for the female lover of the game, having non-hockey enthused girl friends can cause a lot of unnecessary drama. I’m obviously not one to shy away from the term “puck bunny,” or throw it around loosely, but when your friends don’t like hockey, and are still anxious to attend games with you, then you obviously know what they are about. Here are some of the craziest/weirdest situations I have been exposed to as a result of having friends that don’t like hockey.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they cry when you get good seats.

Back in high school, when I was first starting to go to hockey games without my sports-obsessed uncle, I recruited any and every one of my friends willing to try the game on for size. After one visit the girls were hooked. Let’s face it, it’s hard to keep good Catholic school girls away from sweaty teenaged boys. After a few games we decided to buy our tickets for the next game directly from the box office. Sure enough, our seats improved. One of my friends was so excited that she cried, “I haven’t been this excited since I got Backstreet Boys tickets!”

When your friends don’t like hockey…they chase hockey players around in their high school kilts!

Eventually, the hockey drama got the better of my high school group of friends, and a season later we weren’t friends anymore. This largely had to do with the fact that they started very odd stalking habits. One particular gem was that they would travel across town to the team’s high school during lunch in hopes that the guys would see them in their kilts. If you think Catholic school girls don’t know that you fantasize about them in their kilts, you’d be wrong. They know. They all know. I’m not sure if the players ever saw this, but they tried again the night of the high school formal, and showed up for the warm up complete with up-do’s and glitter make-up.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they peer pressure you into dating rookies!

This happens a lot. Like I said, when your friends don’t like hockey, they obviously just like the hockey players, and will do anything to get on their good side. For some reason, I tend to be the bait. I’m the one that knows enough about the game to legitimize the other girls’ reasons for being there. Ideally, I’m supposed to “get them in.” However, sometimes their plan backfires, and the player that they are chasing turns around and declares an interest in yours truly. I don’t know about you, but if a guy that knew I was after him turned around and asked me to hook him up with my friend, after I tore his throat out, the last think I’d be doing is trying to pressure my friend into dating him. Not so where puck bunnies are concerned. I can honestly say that the only peer pressure I ever experienced growing up was from my “friends” trying to force me to like hockey players that I didn’t like. Apparently, the entire team would be mad at them if I didn’t date certain guys – riiiiight.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they wear low cut shirts to hockey games!

Well, of course they do! You have to flaunt the assets during the mating game. Unfortunately, this can cause problems if you have seats behind the bench of your favourite team, as it will inevitably distract your boys. If you have a friend like this, then it’s a good idea to plan in advance and buy tickets on the opposing side. You can make money by betting the trend that your friend’s boobs will cause the team in closest proximity to lose. (Seriously, it’s sure fire!)

When your friends don’t like hockey…they want to know which players are hot in advance!

Back during the NHL Lock Out, I decided to finally check out the AHL. My friend (a non-hockey lover) and I wanted to plan a road trip together. She wanted to go somewhere with frat boys, and I wanted to go somewhere with hockey. I nominated Milwaukee since they were the defending Calder Cup Champions – and that was the extent of my knowledge of the Milwaukee Admirals. My friend asked me which players were hot. I told her I didn’t know who played on the team, as I had never seen the team play before. Before agreeing to buy tickets, she needed to see the roster. So, I found the Ads’ website and I showed her. She found one or two that she thought were alright – we all know how unflattering hockey pics are, right ladies? Anyway, by the time we saw the warm up for our first game in town, she declared that they were all hot, and she would bang any of them. (I love their reactions to their first hockey games!) After that her new motto was, “What happens in Wisconsin, stays in Wisconsin.”

When your friends don’t like hockey…they make you risk your life trying to give their number to possible convicts!

While on my way to a hockey game, my non-hockey friend saw a hot guy driving beside us. She was trying to get his attention then finally wrote down her cell number and tried to pass it to him on the I-69! I had to do some fancy driving to accomplish this, but after some near collisions, we decided to all get off at the next exit. The guy pulls up beside us and my friend gives him her number. He looked at the area code strangely. “It’s Toronto….Canada” she told him. “Oh…Canada? I’m not allowed in Canada.” I just about died of laughter, and my friend’s facial expression was a combination of both shock and sheer terror. She stuttered some excuse for us to get going again, as she was internally speculating on what this guy could have done to be banned from our country. As we got back on the interstate, she said very seriously, “I hope he doesn’t call me.” However, an hour or so later she was flirting with another car.

When your friends don’t like hockey…they assault Nashville Predators!

One of my friends had a huge crush on one of the Nashville Predators. I don’t need to say which one. Anyway, she saw him waiting for the bus before one of his games, and she decided she was going to talk to him. She has a military-type upbringing, and so she doesn’t just walk, she trudges – and it’s very intimidating even though she’s such a small person. Anyway, she was trudging toward him. And I will never forget the look on his face when he saw her trudging at him. He was scared. I was running after her. I imagine a slow-motion “Noooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooooo!” coming out of my mouth. But I was too late. She got to him first. No, she didn’t talk to him, she JUMPED on him. He was even more scared. I got in there quickly trying to make up some reason for her assault, and tried to smooth things over. It worked. I let them talk for a bit, but then the bus showed up. I tried to get us out of there, but she’d have none of it. To my horror, the players started coming out to the bus and they were all smiling with those knowing smiles, like they knew what we were up to. @#$%! Anyway, the greatest line of the story was when she told the guy her name and he got it wrong, to which she just said, “Yeah, you can call me whatever you want” hahaha!

When your friends don’t like hockey…they make you declare embarrassing things at the border!

When your girl friends don’t like hockey, they tend to only buy merchandise to reflect their fondness for the hotness of their favourite players. On a trip to Grand Rapids, the Griffins were having a clearance sale and selling year-old expired team calendars for ninety-nine cents. There were a few babe-shots of my friend’s favourite player working out, so she decided to buy one. Later that night, crossing back into Canada, I announced to the border guard that she had purchased an old calendar for a dollar because she thought one of the guys was cute. The border guard laughed, but my friend got defensive. She leaned over and tried to justify her actions to the guard, “He’s Canadian, he’s from Toronto!” The border guard gave her a weird look and said, “Does that make it right? I don’t know.” Haha! It’s still one of my favourite border guard lines ever!

When your friends don’t like hockey…hockey players sleep in your bed and you had no idea they were there!

On a very crazy road trip filled with angry wives and all kinds of goodness, the girls and I retired back to our hotel room after a night of dinner and dancing. However, one of the players decided to follow us. I fell asleep while they were webcaming to some other player. Anyway, the next morning, the girls kept asking me if I slept well. I kept saying, “Yes.” And they both looked really disturbed. Finally, one of them told me, “Umm, you do know that buddy slept in your bed last night, right?” I had no idea at all. Immediately, I was both disturbed and concerned. I tend to hold on to things in my sleep.

When your friends don’t like hockey…you end up in hotel rooms with half naked hockey players!

Girls that like hockey players tend to be very good at making connections. Hanging out with them will certainly result is weird situations. For some reason, this tends to include being up way too late in hotel rooms the night before game day. In this particular situation, my friend was interested in one of the guys, so she didn’t want to leave his side, even though he was clearly passing out on the bed. Please notice the disgust on my face – what’s behind that towel?

When your friends don’t like hockey…you end up being nicknamed, Blue Balls!

The infamous All-Star weekend 2007! Imagine what would happen if you are of the attitude that hockey players are gods and you don’t deserve to be in their presence. Well, the puck bunnies I was with on this particular weekend were so intimidated by the players that they were too insecure to do their “seductive” dancing where the hockey players could actually see them – even though the goal was to actually have the players see them. I, on the other hand, am always dancing. If you see me at a game, I’m dancing. In the car, I’m dancing. In the grocery store, I’m dancing. So, I didn’t see a need to run away with some of the other girls, and since I wasn’t scared of the players, I didn’t stutter and run off whenever they talked to me. Anyway, since I was nice to them, apparently the guys let their imaginations get carried away, and my nickname that weekend was Blue Balls (allegedly). HA! Not my problem! I suppose there are worse nicknames to have.

When your friends don’t like hockey…you’re better off going to the game alone and making new friends that do!

Posted in hockey fans, Hockey Players, puck bunnies, road trips | 4 Comments »

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