August, 2009

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Confessions of a Hockey Addict Through the Worst Photography You’ve Ever Seen [07-08 Edition]

I know you’ve all been “eagerly” anticipating the 07-08 edition… right??? Well, good news! The wait is finally over! Get excited! Sorry for making you sweat like that! Anyway, the depression I felt reminiscing in the 06-07 edition has finally lifted and shifted to sincere excitement and evil scheming (I secured my first regular season tickets yesterday – be afraid!). In 07-08, I was another year older and another year wiser. At 22, I was finally starting to get this pro hockey thing nailed down, which could only amount to one thing – trouble. Once more, this entry only looks at SOME of my favourite hockey moments as captured by terrible camera work. After all, they can’t all be Kodak moments. Enjoy, and rest assured that there are no pictures of bloodied beds in this edition! Top Photo: Having a sexy party in the mock Habs dressing room at the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Coyotes @ Leafs. Apparently, I declared my allegiance two years ago. What do you think, can I pull off a switch back to Blue?

She’s mad because we had some ticket related drama in Ottawa. Our EBAY tickets never showed up in the mail. I decided to spew some professional sounding bullshit to the Scotiabank Place managers…

…They ended up seeing things my way! La la la la la la


She’s not spying…the Flyers just happened to be below this window…

Inappropriate game signage at Wachovia Center.

Eagles game. Freezing rain. Unpleasantness. My eye balls actually froze! Should have known better than to deviate from the more superior sport!

Call the Hardy Boys! Still haven’t solved the mystery of what this sign is actually supposed to say.

He is attempting to demonstrate the Ice Girls’ dance routine. Move #1.

Move #2. That’s pretty much the extent of it…seriously.

Boston Pizza. Had to bust out, what I have coined, “Nashville driving” to get to Buffalo on time. My friend had to resort to manually stuffing pizza in my face so that I could maintain my illegal driving speed and maneuvers. When we finally arrived, we sprinted in heels to get to the rink. The parking lot staff applauded us for our effort.

I spent the entirety of the game cat calling him, and referring to him as Big Daddy. My friend was embarrassed.

Oh, yes…make sure to really work the groin…

A stoppage in play for a spicy make out session – oh, my!

Lurking around the Hockey Hall of Fame. Some 16 year old kid behind us…*evil laugh*

Undercover crappy cell phone pic. Dessert courtesy of Coach DILF…err… John Stevens. P-I-M-P!

Texting/Gilmour combination. This may not look like much, but this is probably the most scandalous hockey picture that I possess. I’ll let you try to figure that one out on your own.

Undercover crappy cell phone pic #2! It’s amazing what a little shimmying can get you.

Angry lady sighting. She spent the entire game complaining (to her identical sister) about the cheerleaders, and my friend and I hahaha! “OMG, don’t let your son look at those ugly dancing whores!” I like her style.

Smuggling goods back into Canada. My precious.

The Sketch Factory of Philadelphia. We always wanted to stay there for the sheer sketchiness of it, but we never did – SAD! I miss Philly.

Let us take another moment to honour the playoff groin stretch (purrrrrr!)

Taming the Infamous Flyers Fans 101. We used to work together at MLSE, so naturally he had to turn around and ask me why I was wearing a Flyers shirt with total disgust on his face. After that, the Philly fans in my section were no longer hostile toward the Canadiens. Instead they tried to use me to get them game pucks.

Our free $5 program for the Kitchener Rangers alumni game (Mem Cup 2008). We wanted to get our hands on the roster, but the hooker working at The Aud claimed that we had to buy the program first. Later we saw non-hookers passing them out for free…but it was too late. Quote of the night: (random high school bump in) “Whoa, why does Mike Richards keep staring at you?” (my friend) “She goes to a lot of Flyers game.” Bet he thought he had it all figured out – FAIL! Other NHL notables on the roster: Scott Stevens, Derek Roy, David Clarkson, Gregory Campbell, and Steve Eminger.

The Stanley Cup Finals and my birthday have arrived again – lovingly displaying one of my well thought out gifts, the Worst Case Scenario Sex Kit. I don’t care what Playboy says, don’t date a hockey player without one of these! The end.

Stay tuned for the 08-09 Edition of Confessions of a Hockey Addict Through the Worst Photography You’ve Ever Seen.

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday: Hockey player pick up lines.

Alright, so I almost forgot about Top 10 Tuesday, but I managed to crank out a half assed puck bunnyish list three hours before Wednesday in EST. This week’s list covers my top picks for pick up lines used by hockey players. The quotes I’ve listed below are real life, verbatim pick up lines that I have heard over the years. So, don’t blame me if you think these lines are totally lame – I didn’t make them up!

10. “You have to come watch me play.”

Have you ever seen the movie The Tao of Steve? The movie explains that any guy, even the George Costanza type, can attract any woman should he have the chance to exhibit his excellence or talent in front of her. Enter the hockey player. Unfortunately, it’s not usually the REAL hockey players that use this line; it’s usually the former AAA Bantams, playing out their careers in men’s rec. Maybe I’m just mean, but as someone who goes to NHL games for a living, why would they think that I would be interested in watching this snooze fest? Playing, maybe, but definitely not watching.

9. “My ex girlfriend is the same age as you.”

This one is for the junior hockey youngsters out there. Have you ever noticed that there are a lot of coincidences in junior hockey? Like, the hockey player who is currently pursuing you magically broke up with his ex at the same time that you broke up with yours? Yeah, that means it’s a lie, and that their mega healthy relationship is probably still going on. The same goes for that rookie player who is trying to get in your pants when you’re the same age as the over-agers! Of course he’s going to tell you that his former girlfriend was the same age as you, so you won’t feel like the Mayor of Slumsville that you so obviously are!

8. “Do you need tickets for tonight’s game?”

This is the hockey player’s attempt to own you. Some guys buy you flowers and dinner, hockey players attempt to wow you with the tickets that they get for free – cheap bastards! If you are too weak to pass up the tickets (I’ll admit that it’s my personal variety of crack), then be prepared for the follow up request of “payment.”

7. “I like your picture.”

Those of you that read my book, Down the Rabbit Hole: A Guide to Puck Bunnies will know that puck bunnies usually track down their prey online. That being said, it doesn’t take much more than a decent profile picture to get the attention of the hockey genus. Puck bunnies everywhere should strongly consider getting a few glam shots taken in their pursuit of hockey related copulation. The fleshier the pictures, the better.

6. “I was lucky enough to get my own room, so you can crash there.”

Don’t be fooled, this is not a nice gesture. One night I was out with my friend and we were bombarded with hockey players. Ten minutes later they had pumped about ten drinks into us. Suddenly, my thoughts turned to how I was going to drive home in this state. That’s when buddy here decided to chime in. Naturally, I feigned gratitude for the offer, but I wasn’t stupid drunk yet. Right away he got excited and whispered, “So…when do you want to go?” Umm, we were in the bar for all of fifteen minutes at that point. Easy there, tigre. (That wasn’t a typo, I said “tigre” – it’s French) P.S. I feel like I’ve told you this story before…

5. “You can Google me.”

Remember your NHL Draft day? The day that made you feel like the sky was the limit? That you could be hoisting the Stanley Cup within the year if you played your cards right? Well, now you’re in your fourth season in the A, and nothing is going your way. You have never played an NHL game, and never make it past the second cut in training camp. Poor thing. How is the hockey dud supposed to pick up the puckies? Naturally, he has to lie. He has to prey on the know-nothing puck bunnies in hopes that they are too stupid to notice that he’s never been on the roster. Naturally, Google is his only friend, as his prospect pictures will come up and prove to her that he is worth a damn.

4. “You and me sex? I flight next week.”

We Canadian hockey fans love to believe that our nation is what makes this game great. Yeah, it probably is, but let’s not forget some of the European countries that have contributed greatness to the league and the Hockey Hall of Fame – the Russians, the Czechs, the Swedes, the Finns, etc. What would our game be like without them? Unfortunately, off the ice, these guys have little in terms of skill. This has a lot to do with the fact that there is no room for subtly where the language barrier is concerned, as you can plainly read.

3. “I didn’t get a goal tonight, but I feel like I could score right now.”

OK, you got me! I’ve never actually heard this pick up line; so much as I’ve fantasized about it. I BET you’d love to know who skated into my dreams with this cheesy line!

2. “Do you drive?”

Here’s another helpful hint for the junior hockey groupie. Want to know the secret to finding out if a junior hockey player likes you, or, at least, likes your picture? If he does he will ask you if you drive or have a car. This means that he is already assessing your ability to get to him as soon as his billets fall asleep, so that he can sneak away with you into the scandalous darkness of a nearby, abandoned parking lot. Well done!

1. “I play hockey.”

One of the most common Canadian pick up lines used by both hockey players and non! In this country, if you play hockey, it means that you are entitled to something, and by “something,” I mean p****! You’d be surprised how often this works…not on me…but on many. For further examples, check out: Since when did, “I play hockey” become a pick up line?

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