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February, 2009

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Women love hockey fights? No kidding (sarcasm).


In light of the recent Garrett Klotz incident that has sparked debate about fighting in the future of hockey, the FAN590 released a statistic showing that the most popular demographic for the enjoyment of fisticuffs is female spectators between the ages of eighteen and thirty. Apparently, this wasn’t an obvious fact?

It seems the hockey fan majority, the men, seem to think that the rough stuff can only be fully appreciated by a y-chromosome and excessive amounts of Testosterone. I remember back in my WWE days, grades seven through nine, I could not understand why it was the guys in my class that liked wrestling. Let’s see, wrestling entails a bunch of big men, greased up, jumping on each other while wearing speedos…hmm. Can someone please tell me what the guys are getting out of that? It’s the same thing with UFC, though I have to admit there is nothing more unattractive than two men kicking each other (unless, of course, it’s Chuck Norris delivering a clean round house to the face!). So, when a bunch of hockey stars start sweating, and shoving, and punching with chests heaving, is it really that surprising that the women are the first ones to jump out of their seats, panties in fist?

Perhaps the shock generated among men from the release of this statistic is just more evidence that they really don’t understand women. First of all, women go crazy for violence and brutality, but there is obviously a time and a place, and a grungy speakeasy after fifteen beers is not it. The hockey rink provides a safe haven for the players to demonstrate their masculinity and brute strength without ending up on an embarrassing episode of Cops.

Women also use the fights as a way to enhance their sexual fantasies about the players. He’s a beast on the ice, but ever so tender with her in the boudoir – sound familiar, ladies? Or for some: rough on the ice, rough in bed. Either way – HOT. Not to mention that the number one puck bunny fantasy is to witness two players fighting over her in combat – seems almost medieval and romantic, doesn’t it? Sure, women may say they don’t like to date men who are prone to jealousy, but, like I said, there is a time and a place for everything. And let’s not forget what other female instinct is activated during these brawls –the maternal nurturer. If the player gets injured in battle, the tendency is to want to take care of him and nurse him back to health. Once healthy, he will be so grateful that he’d have no choice but to marry her on the spot – duh!

Also, from a more practical standpoint, hockey fights provide a way for the puck bunnies (that have not really learned the rules yet) to engage in the game. There are really only two events in hockey that cue the puck bunny for a reaction. The first is a goal, and the second is a fight. Of course, puck bunnies are predominately concerned with how they are being perceived during the game, so naturally they will jump on anything (that’s what she said) to show that they understand what’s going on.

So, for all you men out there that were surprised that it was the female fans that were going crazy for hockey violence, I hope that I have opened your eyes to the truth. Disclaimer: fighting and violence should not be used as a way to win the heart of a lady hockey fan if you are not playing hockey. Don’t try this at home.

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

Philadelphia (Days 3 & 4): Dear Flyers “dance team,” we need to have a talk…


Getting up for the Flyers/Penguins matinee game on the third day was challenging. I have stayed at the same hotel on my last two visits to Philly, and for some reason both rooms had the alarm clock programmed for 6 AM! Being technologically inept, I couldn’t figure out how to shut the damn thing off without having it reset for the next night! So, basically, every morning, I would get an initial wakeup call at six, and then there’d be no getting back to sleep completely again. I suppose I could have just unplugged it. It wasn’t all bad, though, on the second day the song that woke me up was Bon Jovi’s Dead or Alive – I love that jam!

The game itself was crazy. I had the same seats behind the Flyers bench again, so I was enjoying the view *WINK.* The Flyers fans HATE Crosby, which I guess is understandable considering they are both division and State rivals. However, I personally found this quite intriguing. I was under the impression that Sidney Crosby had that Gretzky-like sense of awe surrounding him. I thought that when he entered visiting rinks that the local fans had a deep respect for him and were there specifically to see him play. Mind you I have only ever physically seen Crosby play in Toronto, so I actually have no idea if my theory is correct. (And for the record, I, for one, do not go to the games specifically to see him play!)

Anyway, the Flyers fans are merciless toward him and the Pens in general. This rivalry goes well beyond the long-standing bad blood between Leafs fans and Habs fans as depicted in Roch Carrier’s, The Hockey Sweater. (Yes, it’s still my favourite book!) An intense fight broke out in the stands between groups of the two opposing fans. Sure, I’ve seen fights at Leafs/Habs games before; even on the subway after the fact, but this fight happened in the lower bowl….at an afternoon game where beer is not likely to be the cause -crazy, but hilarious. Side note: I am not even going to address *that* goal. So, let’s just try to pretend like it didn’t happen.

It was a beautiful day in Philadelphia, well, at least, in the opinion of this subzero Canadian girl (local press described the south Philly afternoon weather as “chilly”), and I actually opted to walk the five miles back to Old City from the arena after the game. I started to lament my decision part way through, as I hadn’t eaten a thing that day. So by the time I got back, I b-lined straight for Campo’s. I even ordered a new flavour, pizza or something, which I later regretted because it tasted exactly like my own home cooking! Still yummy, though.

That night I was too excited because FINALLY one of the ghost tours I have been dying to go on was running. I love ghost walks – they make history so much more exciting. I try to go on them in all the older cities that I visit. While I was in Charleston, South Carolina, I did a different tour every night! I really hope Boston’s will be running next week! It’s usually the one touristy thing that I do when I travel. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed hearing about Philadelphia’s ghosts by trolley. This was the first time I had been on a non-walking tour, which was great considering I did that five mile hike only a few hours earlier.

I turned in relatively early. I still had to pack for check out in the morning. After check out I headed to the Flyers Wives Carnival to kill time until my flight at 7:50 PM. The Carnival was a spectacle, that’s all I can really say. The highlight for me was using the Stanley Cup box as my own personal coat rack – p-i-m-p! And the wives were surprisingly well behaved. The presence of cameramen seemed to keep their claws retracted and their glares to a minimum. The majority of the patrons at this event were young children and their parents, but I did see the odd puckie lurking around; including a former ice girl that seemed to have unsavory intentions! That’s just more proof against the scandalous intent of the girls that go for ice crew-esque jobs. In Toronto that behaviour will get you fired – though some people manage to fly under the radar AHEM! Which brings me to the letter that I had begun to address in the title:

Dear Flyers “Dance Team,”

We need to have a talk. Please do not disgrace the sanctity of hockey’s Holy Grail by offering, nay, threatening, to expose your bare bosoms in its presence. Nobody needs to see that…ever.

Thanks.

I decided to partake in a spot of ale at the festival, but, seeing as I can hardly eat on road trips, that beer did some damage. I tried to sober up by eating some crab fries in the upper bowl. I enjoyed them a lot more than the first time I had them at Chickie and Pete’s back in November, 2007! I remember how mad I was when the waiter brought them to the table because I thought I had ordered real crab! Did I mention I was still blonde at the time? Anyway, a half serving of crab fries was the only thing I could manage to eat all day… until my plane touched down in Toronto at 9 PM and the trip was officially over. Once the trips are over my nerves settle down and my appetite returns – instantly! Thank goodness the event staff at the Carnival were handing out bags of corn chips because by the time I got to the LINK shuttle terminal at Pearson I was starving…it never fails.

Saturday, February 21st, 2009

Philadelphia (Days 1 & 2): Toronto is not a state!


There is something to be said about beauty rest …and I clearly am not getting any and it shows. My road trip insomnia usually kicks in a couple days before my departures and lasts until my arrival back in Toronto. And with my inability to sleep comes an inability to eat. Quite often I go from eating three meals a day to just one. However, this pattern proves to be problematic when I am on extended stays, like I am right now in Philadelphia! I’ve been trying to force myself to eat two meals a day by frequently visiting Campo’s crack house for a little delicacy known as the Philly cheese steak! Yum! But I often find that it is far too much food and end up speed walking to and from South Street trying to speed up digestion, or lying on my bed feeling sorry for myself.

Yesterday I made my first ever trip to Philadelphia by air. I have only ever flown into Philadelphia once, last year on the EXACT same day, but that was for a connecting flight to Miami for a Panthers/Bruins game. My flight from Buffalo was delayed and I ended up missing my flight to Florida, so I became quite familiar with the Philadelphia airport and its naughty food and Express Spa! This time around I flew in from Pearson International in Toronto. Boy, do I hate that. I hate the traffic, I hate the parking, I hate the lines, but I have to admit that I do like to ride the monorail weeeeeeeee – reminds me of Disney World! I prefer to go through customs by car, but this time around airport customs was surprisingly painless. The customs officer and I just talked about hockey and that was that – welcome to America!

Flying may save time, but it certainly doesn’t cut back on my stress. By the time I arrived at my hotel, I hardly had any time to do anything before I had to leave for the rink. It reminded me of my early days before I had perfected the art of the road trip; trips that included endless nights of driving, only to arrive on game day exhausted, bitchy, and hideous. My face tends to glow bright red when I haven’t slept! I discovered that on my first trip to Milwaukee! I was traveling with a friend who was a smoker at the time, so the trip took twelve hours on account of her threatening to end my life if I didn’t stop to let her get her Nicotine fix. My face was in a similar state when I got in yesterday. I had to spend what little time I had (about one hour) trying to calm my skin down with a hot towel…but that only did so much.

I was so tired and jittery when I got to the game that I was practically napping in my seat before the warm up started – CRASH! The fact that I pretty much only consumed an energy drink that day added to my nerves (which are usually pretty high before Flyers games as it is). I was close to tears until I had a beer in the first period to counterbalance the effects of the caffeine. I felt pretty good after that, even though I suspect that I am getting sick. I wonder if I caught the throat Syphilis that is affecting all the Flyers while I was in Boston. I’m looking at you, Niittymaki!

My seat was a couple rows behind the Flyers bench, which mimics the seats I have when I go to HSBC Arena – kind of funny considering the Sabres were in town. This time I had a better view of the Sabres’ bench, though…ahem Paul Gaustad! Flyers/Sabres match ups are always exciting, and last night’s game was no exception! The Flyers came away with the W in a 6-3 victory, but seeing as Buffalo is the frontrunner to become my new favourite team (for economical/convenient/anti-fake boob reasons), I made sure to take a serious look at them. I even clapped (but not very loudly) for Derek Roy’s goal out of respect for my hockey roots with Kitchener.

I was dreading having to catch a cab after the game – a feat that proved to be quite challenging in Boston. I HATE not having a car! There was a lone cab waiting outside Wachovia Center for the thousands of exiting fans. I saw a couple approach the cab and get turned away, so I thought I would ask him where to find the others since I couldn’t see any. He told me he would take me and later revealed that he had been called in to pick up a group of guys, but changed his mind because I’m “very nice.” SCORE!!!

I didn’t do much the first night – I was really exhausted. I made the hike to Wawa to stock up on supplies (two six packs of water). While I was there I made a very important discovery – a brand new Rockstar flavour – GREEN (citrus/acai)!! I was, after all, on my first trip to Philadelphia on March 5th, 2007 when I discovered the purple Rockstar! I was never the same again! I always bring a box back home when I run low on supplies. Neither the purple nor the green are available in Canada. Unfortunately, the green Rockstar wasn’t my idea of a good time, but it came in handy when I needed to get up early for the Flyers practice the next morning. On my way back to the hotel a guy stopped his car and asked if I needed a ride – men are creepy! WHAT KIND OF GIRL SAYS YES TO THIS!?!

Since I didn’t drive, I don’t have a car in Philly. Long road trips are like therapy to me, so the fact that my last two trips (and my next trip to Boston on the 2nd of March) were flights, I am starting to notice that I have far more pent up aggression when I’m driving around at home. A simple drive to the store ends up becoming a forty minute cruise around town to my favourite jams, and I have been known to bust out the bird on a few occasions! That’s class. Despite the fact that the Flyers (hang over friendly) practice was scheduled for 11:30 this morning, I still had to be up very early to make sure that I was able to secure a rental car in time to get out to New Jersey. I went the Enterprise route – they pick you up! I really needed that drive to Voorhees for my sanity!

The car rental place was trying to load my information into the computer and told me that they couldn’t find Toronto on the list of provinces. This is the first week that I have actually heard Americans think of Toronto as a state-like entity! I was pretty sure Americans pretty much knew Toronto as the only existing major Canadian city. However, on Wednesday, my friend and I finally booked our mid-June graduation trip to the Bellagio in Vegas! We couldn’t book online because we aren’t American, so while I was on the phone with the reservations staff, I had the same situation. She asked me for my address, and when I got to the city portion and said Toronto she thought that I had given her a “state” name. I said, “No, Toronto, Ontario,” which she retained for all of three seconds before clarifying, “So that was Toronto, Montreal, Canada.” Uhh, no. Luckily, she was dealing with me, I’m sure my friend would have had a fit if she was talking to her! Even when I told her the story after the fact, she seriously had a five minute laughing spell.

Once again, I was very jittery at the practice on account of having a Rockstar breakfast! I was bouncing up and down, and found it very hard to stand still. Then to add to my excitement, a team of pee wee hockey players from Gatineau, QC came in for the practice with their gentlemen guardians – yummy twenty- something French-Canadian men, oh my! I need to move to Ottawa! Yes, indeed!

I took it pretty easy for the rest of the day – a cheese steak being the only highlight of the afternoon. That and I discovered that I don’t get charged an ATM fee for taking money out at TD Bank machines. See it pays to go TD! Take that, Scotiabank! I went back to Buddakan for dinner and it was like I had only been there yesterday! This time around I specifically ordered less food than last time. Back in the beginning of January, I had eaten so much that I could hardly move by the time I paid my bill! Buddakan would have none of this, though, and sent me a complimentary order of edamame ravioli to start! I’m glad they did! They were soooooooo , soooooooo, soooooooooo good!!!! I highly recommend! And I am happy to report that my fullness was manageable by the end of the night – but I did still take a brisk walk after!

Anyway, I am currently in bed watching A&E, though I should be studying for my midterm on Wednesday. The Flyers are playing the Penguins in a matinee game tomorrow, which means another fairly early morning, so I’m going to turn in! Sweet dreams!

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009

Bring back the OLD Sean Avery!


Self-righteous hockey fans everywhere have their tea-drinking pinky fingers out of joint over the recent news that Sean Avery has made his return to professional hockey. Back in December, Avery received a permanent suspension from the Dallas Stars organization after making “crude” remarks about his sloppy seconds…oops, I mean *ex-girlfriends* and their relationships with other NHL players.

Upon completion of a league counseling program, Avery cleared waivers and was welcomed by the Rangers organization to suit up with their American Hockey League affiliate, the Hartford Wolfpack. Rumour has it, the Rangers are not soured by Avery’s controversial antics during his two season career with the club (specifically from a particular game versus New Jersey… and Toronto…hmm), and are publicly admitting to considering him for a job! – Yippie!

I know a lot of you nice-non-aggressive-self-righteous-no-touch hockey fans are outraged by the very fact that Sean Avery hasn’t been strapped in a straight jacket and thrown in a rocket ship headed for the Sun, but I for one am actually quite excited by the prospect of seeing him back in the big league as soon as possible. Sure, he has said some things in the past that have been quite controversial and downright horrible (and I am not making any excuses for that), but the entertainment value he brings to the game outweighs all that negative excess baggage!

Love him or hate him, or love to hate him, you know that when he stopped playing for the Stars, you stopped watching! I am so sick of reading sports columns bashing Sean Avery for what he said about Elisha Cuthbert! He was just calling a pig a pig! In my books that gets a gold star for demonstrating a thorough understanding of preschool agriculture. Come on. This unanimous holier than thou attitude towards poor Avery makes me question if any of these quote unquote “sports writers” have an original thought to call their own. Maybe you are “getting so sick of this guy making a mockery of the game” on paper, but you know that come hockey night, you couldn’t wait to see what this little mother f***** was going to do next. ADMIT IT!

Unfortunately, after playing nearly twenty minutes in his first AHL game with Hartford on Valentine’s Day, Avery made some bone chilling statements to the Canadian Press. Avery admitted to making some on-ice comments in retaliation to opposition chirps, “I had a few comments, but nothing that was too drastic or something the old Sean would say.”

Noooooooooooooooooooo!

What do you mean the “old Sean!?” Looks like stuffy hockey analysts everywhere finally got their wish to see a PG rated Sean Avery, but my feeling is, before long, you will all get a lot more than you bargained for.

Avery was right when he made those controversial statements on Iginla-like players (he shouldn’t have said it, but still) – watching strictly finesse players can get monotonous after awhile. Where is the value in watching a Crosby or an Ovechkin night in and night out? Headline: Superstar hockey player plays yet another good game. Boring! Avery is the spice of the National Hockey League – the necessary Tabasco! Take away his zest and what do you have? Just another faceless mediocrity! I doubt New Line Cinema wants to make a movie entitled, “Passive-aggressive Hockey Player Likes Women’s Clothes” – doesn’t quite seem as publicly appealing as, “Notorious NHL Asshole Knows His Way Around the Ladies’ Fitting Rooms at Bloomingdales.” All I can hope for is that this “new Sean” attitude is just a phase because, right now, the “new” Sean Avery sounds about as appealing as New Coke.

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

Top 10 reasons to be a single gal-fan on Valentine’s Day!


Because everyone loves a good Top 10 list, and because if I do another “romance on the road” entry, people are going to start to think I’m a skank! Happy Valentine’s Day!

# 10 Too Much Puck: there are nine NHL games scheduled for V-day in such a way that the love starved could conceivably watch four full games between lunch and bedtime! So veg out on the couch, bust out the Ben and Jerry’s, and stay there all day. I suggest: Iles@Flyers (1 PM), Oil@Kings (4 PM), Caps@Bolts (7:30 PM), and Flames@Coyotes (10 PM). I might just order some Mexican take out for two (for one) and do this myself!

#9 Kiss Cam Overload:
the Kiss Cam will be earning time and a half at all of the active rinks today! While watching all the happy couples smooching may make you wish that you had something in your purse sharp enough to slit your wrists with (blasted security bag checkers!), have no fear! Lean into the cute boy sitting on your left and trick the cameraman into thinking you’re together. Once the camera is on you, you’re golden. He can’t wuss out in front of his buddies – SCORE!! It’s happened to me, it can happen to you!

#8 Warm Up: groin stretches…enough said!

#7 Five for Fighting: tired of the excessive amount of couples around the rink today rubbing it in your face that they are getting some and you aren’t? Well flaunt your sex right back at them! Pretend you’re at the Golden Banana and go rabid for those hockey fights! Annoying people is fun!

#6 Man-Fans: who needs eHarmony, find out what it feels like to be matched based on REAL compatibility on the grounds of like hockey fandom! Scour the rink and/or sports bar for a dashing young man sporting your team colours! Or, if you are of the attitude that opposites attract, then keep an eye out for enemy uniforms. Aww, think of all the hockey related teasing that will ensue! I’m picturing erotic tickle fights and scandalous game day wagers!

#5 The Following Coach Dilves:
Guy Carbonneau, Craig MacTavish, Paul Maurice, and John Stevens. They give the bench that extra something-something. Raaaaaawwwwwr!

#4 Penalty Box Seats:
for those of you lucky enough to have tickets to one of the V-day games, specifically in seats overlooking or next to the sin bin, then have a couple drinks and find out how funny it is to greet every penalized player with, “You’ve been a baaaaad boooooy!” (A shoulder shake is required when saying this!)

#3 Beer:
for those of you who would much rather wallow in self-pity over being single on yet another Valentine’s Day, isn’t it convenient that beer and hockey go hand and hand? Have a few extra. No one will notice. Drink ‘til he’s hot! Disclaimer: the preceding activity should not be attempted by any patrons of the Air Canada Centre wishing to avoid bankruptcy!

#2 Body Checks: the players are violently pushing each other’s bodies against the boards – it’s not hard to picture naked. No…thank YOU!

#1 Single Hockey Players: the very definition of hope. (Damn you, Carrie Underwood!)

*For the record, I did not photoshop the above picture. I found it floating around MySpace, and thought it was hilarious!

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