Maybe it’s all in my head, but when I go out on the town, I seem to be a beacon for quote unquote “hockey players.” Now it’s not exactly my style to wear NHL paraphernalia while I am attempting to strut my stuff around the club district. So, visually there is no way for these men to know that I am a hockey addict (and truthfully my knowledge of the game has proven to completely annihilate their swagger at times). This means that the “hockey player” approach to scoring 101 is being used on any and every woman as a lazy attempt to get laid.
Remember the good old fashioned days when a guy would tell you he loved you and then never call you again? Remember how he tried to trick you into thinking that it was going to be all about you? Why can’t the mating process be romantic like that anymore? Now women have to deal with hot shot wannabes and Central leaguers marching up to them and saying, nay, demanding, “I play hockey! Blow me!” Like possessing a basic understanding of stick handling makes them entitled – ha! So, in the spirit of the upcoming holiday of love, I would like to take a look at a few of my favourite/worst pick up attempts from alleged hockey players.
I’d like to start by looking at the night of my twentieth birthday. I was wearing the infamous stripper shirt, and I was about five tequila shots beyond smashed. That was the night I grew out of the university drinking phase that all students go through to some degree. The hangover was so bad that I vowed I would NEVER drink again. I even went a whole year without drinking anything! And, for the most part, I have not consumed more than two or three drinks in one sitting since then. Except in Montreal this season, but that’s another story! Anyway, I was dancing (possibly on a pole), when a guy comes up to me claiming to be one of the Calgary Flames. Little did he know that I A) follow hockey, B) make good use of my Center Ice package, and C) know what this guy actually looks like. “Uhh, no you’re not.” Hahaha! He didn’t even say anything in response, he just ran away with his tail between his legs – good times.
NHL players seem to promote this kind of misrepresentation. Some of them provide their “buddies” back home with extra/old copies of their NHL cards, so that they can go around pretending to be them. Honestly, though, how stupid are some of the girls that fall for this? “Oh you play hockey in Nashville? Well, it makes total sense that you are in northern Alberta in the middle of February then!” *unbuttons shirt*
More recently, this past January, I was out with a couple of my girl friends when a group of “hockey players” approached us and helped themselves to the empty seats at our table. The ringleader was the stereotypical hockey wannabe. He was wearing a hockey lace around his wrist because it was from a “team I was on that made it really far in the playoffs – third, no, second in the country!” Make up your mind, junior! Of course, I had to respond with, “If you ain’t first, you’re last!” He didn’t appreciate this comment, though he did get the reference. He then went off spewing some bull about being drafted by the Toronto Maple Leafs in the seventh round and that he was playing on scholarship somewhere in the States. Not only was this guy NOT drafted by the Leafs, he didn’t even play for that school. If you’re going to lie about being a hockey player, then at least pretend that you play somewhere good, like buddy did at my birthday party!
The funny thing about this guy was that it seemed like he had this whole thing rehearsed with one of his wingmen. At one point the second guy chimed in with, “You were smarter than I was (for getting a scholarship), I shouldn’t have played in the O.” (OHL players cannot play in the NCAA). OK, I don’t even know where to begin with this self proclaimed major junior hockey star. The wingman can only be described as the nonthreatening type – a lover of poetry with a passion for crash diets, puppies, and MTV reality dramas. There was no way! There was just no way!
At one point, my friend heard the ringleader say to his friends, “I want to take these broads upstairs!” OK, Junior Hockey Bible, what exactly did you think you would accomplish on the upper level of the bar? Apparently, he thought there was a “d-floor” (dance floor) up there and he wanted us to “hit” it. Uh, no, I’m afraid this Olde English pub is lacking the standard disco ball and strobe lights – that’s a shame. Moving on.
So, I probably seem like a total bitch that shoots down any guy that comes near me, and that’s just not true. Along the way there have been real hockey players /non-liars that I don’t ridicule because they are who they claim to be. Even if some of their attempts were also lame, it’s just not as interesting because they aren’t posing. The fact that this constant posing exists, and, moreover, that it works, is just more proof of the magnitude of hockey culture. And for the record, I did let one guy get passed (eventually – I’m not some bar hussy). He was not a hockey player by my definition; meaning he didn’t play in a league that paid him enough money to not require off season employment. But he was lip bitingly gorgeous – a combination of Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Paul Walker only way hotter. I even blurted out “WOW, YOU’RE CUTE!” when he first came over to talk to me. Oh, boy.
Anyway, back to the posing. I have also seen this occur in non-scoring situations. While I was working for Maple Leaf Sports, I was assisting the Promo Team at a sales event they were doing in Oakville, ON. An eighteen year old kid peacocks his way over to us claiming that he’s too good to play in the AHL and that he’s going straight to the NHL. Did I mention he was eighteen, and the draft was seriously THAT day! I started drilling him on certain things, and the stuttering began. He claimed to play for the Ottawa 67s, and when I asked him his name he hesitated and ran away. I don’t need to tell you that he wasn’t anywhere to be found in the Hockey DB! He kept walking by all weekend waving at us like he was the hottest shizzz that ever lived. So hilarious, but not the first time I’ve witnessed this either.
Fake hockey players are popping up all over internet communities like Facebook and MySpace. Of course, I’ve come across several of these, but there are three that really stand out. The first was a guy who was drafted in the low rounds of the OHL Priority Selection. He never made the team and was actually playing junior C during the season. On top of sucking at hockey, he was also not attractive. So, instead of using his own pictures, he was using pictures of a renowned OHL ladies’ man – creepy, I know.
The second was a goalie who claimed to be in the Washington system, but playing in Europe. He claimed that he knew that next season he’d be playing in Washington (don’t ask me how he knew that), and that he was just in Europe for the year. By the way, this was not during the Lock Out. Anyway, he was fully trying to put me on; claiming that he was a huge football fan, and that he had seasons tickets to the Patriots, and that he flies in for the games (from Europe) if he doesn’t have a game – essentially, living the high life. Once again, not in the DB!
The third was an American Hockey League player (that’s nothing to sneeze at), that didn’t bother posting his picture online, but told the girls he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend with to “google” him! And it worked! He also was the first to lie to the girls claiming that he played for the big club, when, in actuality, he is STILL waiting for his first NHL game. *sigh* Silly boys. What would I do without you?
*The picture is of Boston Bruins forward, Blake Wheeler. Get it? Wheeler?
